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Not Liking your Newborn

brimck10brimck10 member
edited July 2015 in 2nd Trimester
I'm pretty sure that I'll fall IN LOVE with my baby once I have him/her. But I've heard a few stories from women about them thinking their newborn is ugly (& refusing to hold them) or the bond that mom & baby have doesn't come natural to them. THIS SCARES ME. I'm sure my baby will be perfect but is there something I can work on while still pregnant to sort of "pre bond" Or am I worrying too much?
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Re: Not Liking your Newborn

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  • amberrmariee20amberrmariee20 member
    I had a friend who suffered from PPD severely, she had a c section with her son. He's now 2 and she's finally starting to bond with him. It was a long road to recovery for her, she also suffered from severe depression before conceiving and also had bad anxiety ! It does happen sadly !!
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  • christina4436christina4436 member
    I've never heard of that extreme not liking or thinking baby is ugly. Odd. I have heard of PPD with people not feeling connected, upset or not into it. Scary!
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  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    It can happen but i think it's rare for that to happen. But don't be worried if you just feel overwhelmed and weird for the first week or so. A lot of moms say that first week, they're still getting their emotional baggage unpacked. 
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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    brimck10 said:

    I'm pretty sure that I'll fall IN LOVE with my baby once I have him/her. But I've heard a few stories from women about them thinking their newborn is ugly (& refusing to hold them) or the bond that mom & baby have doesn't come natural to them. THIS SCARES ME. I'm sure my baby will be perfect but is there something I can work on while still pregnant to sort of "pre bond" Or am I worrying too much?

    Worrying too much. Also, don't expect perfection. It's messy, & frustrating job being a mother...


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  • BowWowBowieBowWowBowie member
    I've personally heard someone say they thought their baby was downright ugly, but not to where it prevented bonding. I agree that it's probably due to underlying issues and some pretty bad PPD. I'd definitely bring up this with your doctor, s/he will probably be able to quell your fears with more information about it. 
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  • amm0512amm0512 member
    My son was preterm, so he looked like a little alien when he was born...giant head and super skinny little body. I was so thankful he was healthy that I tried to just laugh off how silly he looked. Most babies look at least a little disfigured when they're born since their head gets misshapen while going through the birth canal. Also, love is not always the first maternal instinct you may have. If anything, I was more protective of DS because he looked frail and weak; love took a while to feel.
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  • maiatenemaiatene member
    I didn't not like my son, I just didn't feel that instant magic some talk about. I remember nursing him waiting for that feeling but it never happened. I thought he was cute and I knew I loved him, but it was all this build up for 10 months and then nothing. To pp point, it may be because in the beginning they're just there... squishy gobs of tiny people who give you nothing but demand everything... kinda like a bad boyfriend lol. I was mamma bear from day one but the unconditional love took time for me. Like any relationship you have to give it time to grow organically and not buy too deeply into clichés and other people's ideas.
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  • kesmeredithkesmeredith member
    KateLouise said:

    I thought my youngest was ugly, and in fact there's no denying she was super ugly the first couple of days because she was so puffed up with fluid. It didn't prevent bonding, in that I still thought she was adorable and the lovelight of my eyes, but I ain't going to lie about the ugly factor.


    With my eldest it took me longer to bond than with my youngest, and I think that's because in hindsight babies give you nothing for those first few weeks. All they do is cry when they want something, and then one day they smile at you and it's like the sun coming out. With my youngest I knew that smile would come, and how quickly it all goes so I drank in her newness as much as I could.

    Also with my eldest I had to adjust to the fact that the days of, "I''m just going to pop out to..." were gone. Going to buy milk suddenly was a serious expedition, and you realise how there truly are 24 hours in a day (mostly because you're awake for just about all of them)

    So I think babies are a big adjustment and its ok not to fall in love with your baby immediately, and some babies are harder work than others. The important thing is that if you think you're really struggling to bond or with your emotions that you seek support and help from a medical professional because it could be a deeper underlying issue like PPD.
    Great post! Thanks for being so candid.
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  • yeahbaby2016yeahbaby2016 member
    Oh my gosh I remember wondering why my baby wasn't as cute as I thought he would be, but I still fell in love almost immediately. I remember taking a ton of pics trying to get a cute one to post on Facebook lol.

    Around a month he started to be super cute like I thought he should look.

    Now looking back at pics he was always cute! I just don't think I had any experience with new borns lol
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  • ChiccoBeanzChiccoBeanz member
    Although I don't have experience with this, as I am currently pregnant and (God willingly will be) a FTM in December, I have read that this is a common thing. Tamar Braxton actually spoke about having a similar experience when she had her son. I'm sure there are resources out there if someone needs them. I wouldn't be to worried about this issue if were you though. I'd take it one day at a time
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  • kderhamkderham member
    I didn't have that super-high in love feeling with my oldest for a few weeks. In fact, I remembered telling my husband that maybe we I just wasn't cut out to be a mom. Don't get me wrong, I was hugely protective and I knew it would come but your hormones are doing really crazy things right after you have a baby. I had a c-section and I've heard this as more of an issue with other C-section moms but its not the norm. I also felt really badly about it because you aren't really allowed to say anything or you get labeled as PPD (which I wasn't) or a terrible mother. I would encourage you to just accept whatever comes your way. The love will come. If you do end up with something like legitimate PPD or have concerns about it, talk to someone. There are silly bonding things you can do now though :) If your baby is responsive, you can play games (if baby pushes against your belly, push lightly back and sometimes this will continue for a few minutes) or even just talking to baby can help. I'm waiting on #2 and am hoping to have a much different experience this time but know that if it doesn't happen, life goes on and the love does come. 
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  • PedsIsHardcorePedsIsHardcore member
    Being maternal is a learned thing, not something that you just do. I have had PPD. And I'm currently depressed while pregnant. I'm also high risk because I'm a type 1 diabetic. I have more appointments and testing and extra precautions I have to ttake.
    With my DD, I had no help after she was born and I felt all alone. Family wasn't helping me and giving me a hard time over breastfeeding and pumping since my milk came in 8 days after I had my DD. It got ugly fast and I felt like a failure. Everyone is different but it just depends. I was also in the middle of nursing school when I had my DD. I had a lot on my plate.
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  • PugsandKissesPugsandKisses member
    C/s times 2 here.
    I did not love my first one right away. It took awhile. We did not know each other. However, I was very protective of her. It was not love, buy momma bear. The love came with in a few weeks.

    My second though, the bond was there so quickly . She was mine.

    My eldest had a rough delivery (labored prior to C/S). She was bruised and swollen not really 'cute'. My 2nd had a perfect little round 'c/s' head. She was not as puffy.
    Thank God for Raid.

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  • sgleitsgleit member
    It takes time for a bond to develop. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

    At first, I mostly felt like my son was a weird little creature that kept sucking on my boob. I did have some ppd issues so I could be worse than some moms but I think it is a common to not feel an immediate bond.

    Not to scare new moms but I also think we underemphasize just how hard the first few weeks with a newborn can be. A lot of countries have complex tradition of caring for new mothers. American culture just pushes going back to work as fast as you can. My son was born when we lived abroad in China and all the locals were shocked I didn't have family or full time help to care for my son and me. They even have spas in China where you can stay for a month a have a staff take care of you and the child. I thought it sounded crazy until I had my son. I had an awful complicated birth and felt worse during recovery than I had in my entire life. I walked a few miles a day up until the day before my son was born; the two weeks after he was born I could barely make it a few feet. I literally passed out walking to the bathroom one time. My hormones went crazy, I had all kinds of crazy hot and cold flashes and was a giant mess. Also, breasteeding was really painful the first few weeks so I felt miserable and cried all the time while my son cluster fed. Even though everyone told me he had a perfect latch he managed to take a chunk out of one nipple and bit the other nipple so badly it was dangling off. I put way too much pressure on myself and kept breastfeeding anyway... eventually I switched to exclusively pumping for a while which definitely helped a lot. Anyway, with the recovery and the exhaustion I think it is perfectly natural to not feel a strong bond early on.

    I only started to feel something beyond a sense of obligation to care for my son when he smiled at me (at 3 weeks old). I felt more connected to him the more he began to interact. Now he is 19 months and I couldn't love him more. I really think it is normal to not automatically fall in love. In my opinion, a lot of people say they do because the want to sound like a good mom.

    I think the main thing to do during pregnancy is adjust your expectations for how the early days will go. Talk to lots of moms with newborns. Go to La Leche league meetings. If you breastfeed they are the best resource you will find and it helps to go to meetings before the baby arrives. I wish I had. Make sure you have support around you early on. The bond will get there but it takes time for most people.
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  • alanna3622alanna3622 member
    We are "expectant" adoptive parents, cuerently adopting 2 older kids. We get a lot of training in how to forge our attachments to children who are not born to us and vice versa. Essentially it means creating opportunities for touch and smell and physical closeness, and to develop trust in the child that the parent will meet the child's needs whatever they are.

    If you don't feel that magical bond immediately, you will (barring an illness like PPD) grow the bond over time as you relax into and commit to the cycle of trust created by responding to the baby's needs and meeting them again and again. You will belong to your baby and your baby will belong to you.
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