Delivery room drama? Help!

atthemoment · July 2015

I know its been discussed about who to have in the delivery room etc.. But i could use some advice!

DH comes from an *extremely large tight knit family. His 3 sisters have 6 kids and they were all a part of eachothers births in the room etc. MIL was present for all births too. The kids included are used to rounding up and packing the waiting room anticipating the second the new baby is born. SIL lives 5 hours away and has said once she hears im in labor shes coming with her 3 kids asap. MIL wants to be called as soon as im in labor.

I am such a quiet and private person that the thought of having anyone in the room besides DH is not an option. This is the first baby on my side and even my mom and 3 sisters are cool waiting to see baby and giving me my space and time.

I dont want visitors other than our parents for the first day but i fear DH family will not respect that. I have 4 siblings myself and if i dont draw the line somewhere there will be 18 people knocking on my door the second baby is born. Thats just our parents,siblings and their children. Dont even get me started on their cousins. Ahh!

How do i tactfully speak with MIL to let her down easy?? I feel like its about to rain fire on me but i wont allow anyone to make me feel guilty for following my own birth wishes.

*Deep breath* lol
[-O<

mamaloaf · July 2015

As I see it, you have 2 options:

A. You be upfront with everyone and let them know that you won't be having anyone in the room when you're in labor or delivering, besides your husband. You understand that the other daughters-in-law have done it differently, but this is how you two will be doing it.

B. You guys don't tell people when the time comes that you're in labor. You notify them afterwards that the baby was born and when (if) you'll be welcoming visitors.

Your baby, your body, your birth

J0C0TX · July 2015

You dont. You need your husband to be on the same page as you and have him deliver the message. If they choose to argue the point just don't tell them when you go into labor.
If they weren't there for the conception they don't get to be there for the birth and your hospital might not want kids visiting you that soon after birth.
This sense of entitlement drives me crazy!!!!

cbernard10 · July 2015

I would just be real with her. Tell her that you don't feel comfortable having a bunch of people in the room with you guys and you'd really like to spend that quality time with just your hubby. (It is a VERY personal event anyways!)

If it's a hospital no one else in the family has delivered in, you could always tell a little white lie and say that they only allow 1 other person in the delivery room with you. (Actually, the hospital I delivered my first in had this rule and only 2 at a time until we were in the recovery room).

Good luck! I can't imagine what that must be like! I'd be so stressed!

MissusTexas · July 2015

If you need to, tell your nurses how you feel and they wil have NO problem keeping people out- they do it all the time! Let them handle the dirty work- they don't mind

nininou19 · July 2015

You should probably tell her that you are unconfortable with having someone else there. I am the same way I just want my husband there and no one else. If you explain it calmly it should be fine

. I totally understand you as I am also a very private person.

lifesabeach85 · July 2015

Make sure DH is on the same page and backing you up so it's a united front. You could even have him tell them. You can definitely use the nurse/hospital policy if that's easier (mine actually does NOT allow children visitors)

I'm usually for honesty, so I'd say something like, "while we are so excited for everyone to meet the new baby, we will be taking the first day to get to know our little one privately. We will be happy to see you when we come home from the hospital."

sushilove15 · July 2015

Hmm. Just as PP said, make sure your DH is on the same page with you.

I wouldn't think they would expect to be in the delivery room just like they were for eachother since its a different relationship as in laws. One would assume they would be completely understanding that it would be uncomfortable for you! But I don't know what your relationship is like either!

Does your MIL live in the same town as you? If so, maybe let her visit after the birth and have the sisters wait until you are settled in at home.

I agree to let DH inform them of the plan.

Edit** during their births did they also have their entire family of in laws in there with them?? That's just crazy to me.

atthemoment · July 2015

Thanks ladies. All very helpful advice. Our family lives just outside the city about 20 minutes away. Im really just going to have to bite the bullet on this one and speak up. I will have my way about this but hoping noone makes a stink about it. Ive been super stressing this and with 19 days left or so everyone will just have to accept it! Lol

MouseMama817 · July 2015

I agree with PP that it should be your husband delivering the news either for you or with you since it's his family. It just needs to be made clear that your concerns aren't about wanting to keep them away from the baby, but rather to give you the privacy and bonding time you've been looking forward to for the last 9-10 months.

I'm a very modest person and while I'm excited for family to meet the baby, I do not want anyone other than my husband in the delivery room with me during labor and for at least an hour afterwards. I know I won't be able to do what I need to if I have an audience. So DH told his mom and I told mine that the waiting room will be the only place they're welcome if they make the decision to come to hospital while I'm in labor. We chalked it up to my shyness, but it worked

Starynightsky24 · July 2015

I agree your DH should be the one to tell his family.

If they come anyway tell the nurses NO visitors. And, as PP mentioned my hospital has a no children under 16 allowed unless siblings of the new baby.

Use the hospital policy. Only let them come during visiting hours.... Only 2 at a time etc. look up the info and let DH handle it.

Wering · July 2015

I firmly agree that NO ONE is allowed in the delivery room!! However, MIL is pretty adamant about wanting to be at the hospital when LO is born. I agree with her - her reasoning is that delivering a baby, whether vaginally or surgery, is a risk. A risk to mama and a risk to baby. In case something happens, she would feel better to be in the waiting room, praying for a safe delivery and available to lend support to me, my husband, or whomever should something go wrong. She has never demanded to be in the delivery room (THANK GOD!) but I feel that it is a disservice to deny her the waiting room. As long as she understands that we'll get her when we're good and ready, and it could be a LONG time.

You might want to think about where they are coming from - you are adding a member to their family, as well. I firmly agree no one in the delivery room. I firmly agree no one sees baby until you are ready. But maybe your mom and your MIL could see baby on first day its born and all siblings can see next day? That way, you appease MIL who wants to meet baby and keep 18 people from knocking down your door? Just trying to help you draw that line.

kelseyrayay · July 2015

Tell your nurses you don't want anyone there except who you want there. They will kick out whoever they need to. That's the wonderful thing about them. They are on your side. They don't have to put up with any family so they can piss whoever they need to off and it not fall on you. They can always use an excuse like we only need this many people here. Or something like that.

dkizz82 · July 2015

I'm kind of in the same situation but on a smaller scale. My husband won't talk to his family so I've had too. I just told them I don't want anyone in l&d before baby arrives and my hospital had a rule that only DH and I can be with her 2 hours after she's born for kangaroo care. I will tell my nurses to not allow children in. That's no place for them.
I am still anxious about it but this buys me a few hours. I am hoping by the time I have guests that I can take a shower and kinda get away from it all. I'm telling all of them there is a minimum amount of people who can be in the room at once, but there really isn't.

deviduke412 · July 2015

Most of this has been said, but...definitely make sure your dh agrees with you and is on the same page. I personally will be telling no1 when im in labor and won't alert people until our son is a few hours old to avoid having a multitude of ppl crowding the waiting room. It sounds like not telling anyone you're in labor is your best option if you don't think his family will respect your privacy. If you do alert them when it happens, make sure your nurses know that you want no visitors until you give the ok. That's what I'm doing as well just in case people find out I'm in labor and show up. Luckily, I don't have anyone insisting on being back there with me, expect dh of course. Good luck and don't back down! This is your birth and a very special time for you and hubby.

gulimz · July 2015

I don't understand why people want to be in the delivery or waiting room anyways? Why would anyones MIL want to see their DIL delivering? Even your own mother is kinda ehhh to me.

I would just be honest with her and tell her its a intimate moment that you want to share with your husband and no one else (except of course for the medical team)

If she's butt hurt over it, she'll get over it once the baby is born.

And if your husband gives you $hit about it, remind him that it is YOUR vagina that will be mangled in this process and not his.

Kwest1007 · July 2015

I'm kind of in the same situation! I had a sincere talk w my husband about my wishes early on and he supported me 100% (which def helped). Him and I then discussed it with his mother and have over time, been telling everyone else. They have agreed to respect our wishes (despite not being happy about it). I do worry about them actually respecting it once the time comes. Thankfully, at the hospital I'm delivering at, you can make a list of those who you want to let in. We hope that everyone will respect it and understand our feelings and that'll be that. The hospital will help w it once we are there so I'm feeling better about it. Now, I stress about everyone bombarding us at home. :-/

jorstad1 · July 2015

I am of no help. With our first we has mil fil 2 sil and my mom
My sister would have been there but she had a brand new baby and it was Xmas eve
And my brother was too young and immature to come

cseley321 · July 2015

I'd rather them hit me up a the hospital in the recovery room rather than bombard us at home.

Basically me and my husband were both in total agreement that we didn't want anyone else in the delivery room. After the baby is born we plan to announce it to our families but request that they give us at least an hour or two to bond with the baby and try and establish BF (if it happens to be during the day or evening and they are in the waiting room, maybe they can go have lunch or dinner or something). After that we will let them come and see the baby. I'm not expecting a flood of people to show up or anything, probably just our immediate family.

toccoaparker · July 2015

My MIL has 7 grandkids, she saw my first born but with my second DH and I wanted that to ourselves; now she always has this big thing about DS2 was her only grandchild that she didn't see born (soon it won't be just him because she won't see this baby born either!)Honestly, get your husband to break the news to her, she may be mad- that's okay, it is your baby. The only person you need to worry about on that day is you and your baby:). Any feelings after that can be sorted out later! Good luck!

cseley321 · July 2015

I just don't get the fascination with mothers/MILs wanting to see their grandchild being born. If I can go my whole life without having the front row seat for the birth of a child, I'll be fine. Of course if someone ASKED me to I would go, but it would really just weird me out.

JNOVA2015 · July 2015

This is one of the only benefits to living somewhere with no family in the immediate area. We don't have a single family visitor coming to town until a week after my due date, and none of our friends would dream of visiting in the hospital unless we invited them to. But then we also have no one to coerce for free babysitting for the next 10 years

I think you should just be polite but firm, and definitely get DH on the same page!

LEGALLYblonde86 · July 2015

My honest opinion, if you didnt help make the baby, you dont need to be in the delivery room, with the exception if you want someone else in there. I wouldnt tell anyone, but I would also have a talk with the nurses. They will act as your bouncers and keep the unwanted people out.

gulimz · July 2015

jorstad1 said:
I am of no help. With our first we has mil fil 2 sil and my mom
My sister would have been there but she had a brand new baby and it was Xmas eve
And my brother was too young and immature to come

Your fil was in the room? Like he watched you push? Wasn't he or you a bit embarrassed? Why would a FIL want to come in?

breezymeema7 · July 2015

I'd take the easy way out and just not tell anyone until baby arrives. Better yet, the day after baby arrives. When asked why you didn't call just tell them that it all happened so fast there was no time.

BabyP0813 · July 2015

I would have your DH let them down easily. This your special moment with husband and baby and you should be able to enjoy however you'd like.

rcrider93 · July 2015

I had the same problem. My MIL pretty much made my mind up for me when I was still processing the fact I was pregnant and said she WAS going to be there. And for comfort I invited my aunt in before I even considered my birth plan and found out what happens during delivery. Things started getting stressful and overwhelming and me and my boyfriend decided it was going to be just us in the room so he told his mom and I told my aunt. My aunt at first let it go but now every chance she gets she says things like "oh if your serious about going naturally you might need me there" or "if you have a long labor and back labor you are probably going to want me there". She even keeps trying to convince me to call her first when I'm in labor and saying my boyfriend might not make it to delivery. I feel like she is hopeing that's how it happens. His mom didn't take it well and said she wouldn't be coming to the hospital at all and guilt tripped my boyfriend by saying she won't have a bond with the baby cause she won't get to witness her come out. And once she was done being mad at Samuel decided it was all my fault and told my boyfriend I'm going to hold his baby over his head.... And worse of all both my aunt and his mom blame each other for the decisions we as parents have made for our child. Hopefully your family and in-laws are a lot more understanding than mine is. We decided since they can't get it in their heads how the delivery is going down we won't be calling them until I know for sure I'm in labor and my nurse will be notified about what we want so no one just pushes their way in because I don't want to deal with it when I'm in labor.

kedbach · July 2015

So many comments I can't read them all in their entirety, but most hospitals do not allow an excess of people in the delivery rooms so I would say they only allow your husband and 1 more person (if that's what you want) and say you want your mom if anything! They should all be respectful. It's a messy process- I also did not want anyone else in the room! It was enough having a large number of nurses and doctors constantly in and out! Be very pleasant to your L&D nurse and she will kindly take care of all of this for you!

Want a personalized experience?

Delivery room drama? Help!

Re: Delivery room drama? Help!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards