Much older siblings?

mlfitch · July 2015

Anyone have much older siblings/step siblings and how did you help prepare them. My step daughter will be almost 12 when her sister arrives. She hasn't said much and isn't really into babies she also has some anxiety issues and doesn't do well with changes. Hospital only does big sister/brother classes till age 9. So just wondering what more I can do to prepare her. And i cant count in her mother to ease her fears if anything she will push that its going to be awful for her. Any help would be great.

tmandato1234 · July 2015

I don't have any very older siblings, but I was 20 when my sister was born. I wasn't thrilled at first because of past daddy issues. Once she was born, it changed everything. Thankfully my mother was happy for my father and this new baby but my step mom and I had our own issues. She will get out of the funk. One thing I wish my step mom did was include me more and not keep me as an outcast. But that little girl was the best thing.

DAnglen · July 2015

I have a daughter who just turned 13 and a son who is 11 (but will be 12 when baby arrives). I'm not too sure that my son is thrilled about sharing Mom's attention. My daughter is good with babies and smaller children. I think the only thing she's not excited about is having another brother. My son only seems to be excited that it's not another sister.

My daughter has been with me every step of the way. She's very protective.

This baby was no accident. My current husband and I have been working at having a baby for a few years. I have a few health problems that prevent pregnancy. This is sort of a miracle baby. We've been together for 9 years and he has no biological children of his own.

I think it'll work out. Good luck to you.

Also, I have a sister 6yrs older and had a brother 12 yrs older than me. My brother took to me better than my sister did. My husband also has a brother 12yrs older than him and they are very close. They've been that way their whole lives. That might also be because they have 2 sisters between them though. lol

oliarnmom1517 · July 2015

My sister was 15, and my older brother was 17 when I was born and I remember talking to my sister one time and he telling me that she was excited but my brother wasn't excited at all because he hated little kids because they got on his nerves.. But when I came out he couldn't let go of me..Maybe it will just have to come down to when the baby is born and see how everything goes..

Cook3133 · July 2015

Mine are step siblings so not sure if it's different. When my 5y was born they were 11 and 14. They were pretty excited. Now they're going to be 17 & 19 when this one gets here. This is our fourth and they weren't to thrilled we decided to have another but it's not like we ask much of them. The absolutely love all their little brothers once the got here. But like I said their step kids and don't live with us fulltime. We didn't do anything to prep, but if they were girls I would have got them involved in helping pick out stuff but boys don't care about that kind of stuff.

With my 5y and 3y I let them feel my belly, took them to an US apt. And when it gets closer I let them buy something for the baby.

When baby gets here I ask them to help out never force them to. They fall in love with them when the baby falls asleep on their chest

nbpa3027 · July 2015

My husband has a sister that is 12 years younger than him. He is very protective of her and I would say he is closer to his sister than he is his brother who is just a few years younger.

He harbors no ill will towards his sister and is excited that she was provided with a million more opportunities than he was. (He never got to go on class overnights/ extra trips for school or scouts, but his sister never missed one, including the international trips) But that is ver much his personality.

The thing that he does recognize is that there were a lot of things that he wasn't able to do that was directly related to having a baby sister. For example, they NEVER went out to dinner and if they did, the place had to have a kids menu and they had to eat quickly or leave early because she had a short attention span. There were a lot of activities that they didn't do because they weren't age appropriate for a toddler.

I think personality has a lot to do with it. From what I hear about his up bringing, I would say make sure that your son is still able to do most things that he would have if he didn't have a baby sister, even if it means getting someone to watch the baby/toddler/preschooler for the day.

I think it is really hard for kids to picture what the change is actually going to be like, but including him in as many different decisions as possible would probably make a big difference in the long run. My best friend growing up had a sister that was 11 years younger and her parents let her and her sister choose the baby's name( from a very short list). As adults they still talk about how they picked her name and the youngest thinks it's pretty cool that her sisters picked her name.

queenwog · July 2015

I'm like you; I have a twelve year old stepdaughter who has some anxiety issues. She hasn't really said much about the baby half-brother she'll be getting this fall, but I get the feeling from what I've heard she said to others that she's but looking forward to it. She already has two little half brothers at her mom's house and she hates them.

I have no advice because I'm not living in your exact situation. Similar, yes, but exact... not quite. Every situation is different SO every solution will be different. What I'm doing, though, is basically... ignoring it. Sounds harsh, but everyone else in her life has always made everything all about her and that's not healthy. She expects to be consulted about everything and that's not have life works. I'm not comfortable bringing her to appointments, the baby's name isn't up to her, and her help is not the kind I want in getting ready for this baby, whether it's in shopping for him or getting his nursery ready. That probably sounds heartless, but after how much I've heard her complain about her other brothers, I prefer to keep her at an arm's length. Don't need the drama.

She'll adapt once the baby gets here. In the eight years I've been a stepmom, if there's one thing I've learned it's that you can't change anyone else. Only yourself. If I try to make her look forward to this baby, and I fail, it'll only make me feel guilty... And it's not my fault because I can't change anyone but myself. My best advice? Set an example but remember you can't force her to be excited. Just be yourself. If you're excited, she'll figure it out and associate this as a positive change. Set the tone.

Soyyoyary · July 2015

My DS and DD are 12 years apart. I raised DS on my own, he grew up alone with ADHD and anxiety. When I told him at first he was quite but I took him to some appt, in therapy we spoke about the change, how we where a family; families grow.
When she was born the hospital declared flu season and no children under 18 allowed in rooms. When I brought her home he did so well, loves her. We still have our talks not as much as before but I check in on a regular.
This process takes time I have read some have involve, some have not involve the children that has to be up to you. Your LO will always be your daughter and be her little sister both beautiful bonds.

VexedMommy · July 2015

I have a 9yr old DD and a 10yr old SD. My SD's mother had a baby a few months ago and my SD loves the baby. She is very excited about this one too. She will be sharing a room with the baby when she's at our place. Her father brought it up to her and she jumped on the idea much to my pleasant surprise.

We've talked to the girls about our ideas for names and asked if they have any ideas. They understand the choice is mine and my bf's. I ask them what they think about different ideas I have for decorations. If I ask them to decide on something (such as room decor) it's between two or three options that I already like so I am losing nothing I want by letting them decide. It gives them a sense of involvement, makes me a "fun mom" therefore helping our relationship, and I'm still in complete control of the situation. For us, there's nothing to lose by going that route. That said, I don't have a contentious relationship with my DD or my SD, the girls think of themselves as sisters, and they are already excited about the baby so I'm not facing the challenges other blended families are.

whatabout2ndbreakfast · July 2015

I'm 13 years older than my sister and I don't remember resenting her at all once she was here. She's 13 now and is beyond excited to be an aunt

doodleoodle · July 2015

When I was born all but two of my 5 siblings were grown and out of the house. The two remaining were 16 (sister) and 6 (brother). I can tell you that I've honestly never had much of a relationship with my siblings who were already grown by the time I arrived. So you have the fact that she's still a child yourself on your side. I'm closest to my sister who is 16 years older than I am. My brother who is 6 years older and I played a lot together, but when he moved out he kind of "left me behind" so to speak.

I think a lot of factors play into siblings getting along such as the dynamic of the family itself and their own personalities. I think at least while your new baby is young your step daughter will be so in love, everyone loves a baby despite what they make think prior to that baby's arrival. As they both age they may or may not still have a connection, but I think having regular family get togethers as they age will help strengthen that bond.

VexedMommy · July 2015

On the other side of the coin, my younger sister and I are less than two years apart. We are like oil and water. Our personalities are completely different and we don't get along at all. We went to the same incredibly small school and struggled to carve out our own friend groups that didn't overlap. We get along better now that she lives 6hrs away and we only see each other a few times a year on holidays and other special occasions.

RaisingJulian · July 2015

I have 2 half brothers (8 & 4) and 1 half sister who just turned 1. I'm 20. My parents were teens when they had me and weren't always there for me. So in my situation all I wanted was for them to treat my siblings better then they did me. But I'm not very close with my siblings because of the age gap. But I also have my own kids to worry about. I was 12 when one of my brothers was born but at 12 I was always very independent and usually out with friends and hardly ever at home. I honestly don't even remember him growing up. But I'm sure if u give them the same amount of love ur daughter will do just fine. If ur worried talk to her. U may be surprised.

CarrieOct15 · July 2015

As the oldest child with siblings in a variety of age groups, I can tell you that I get along best with the ones furthest from my own age. Growing up, my brother & sister & I were constantly at each other's throats. We're fine now, but not close. My two youngest brothers, though, are very far from my own age. One is 10 years younger, and the other is still a baby and 23 years younger. They are my babies, and I'm very protective of them.

If your step daughter gets anxious about change, maybe you could slowly start incorporating her into planning for baby, so she will feel more prepared & involved. Take her out shopping & have her pick out a couple cute baby outfits. Have her help decorate the nursery. Teach her how to crochet so she can make a baby blanket, which is something she could be proud of & help boost her confidence.

ash413 · July 2015

I was 15 when my youngest sibling was born. I spent the majority of the 9 months pretending it was not happening (I was also horrified my parents were still having sex! Haha )
I would take questions from your SD offer to include her in doctors visits, picking our names, or baby stuff, maybe let her pick out an outfit; don't push her though.
I will say I don't resent my siblings, but I do feel like a lot more was expected of me, and I didn't get to be a teenager as much as I wanted or otherwise would have, which did cause me to resent my mom. I was frequently hone babysitting, and often had to cancel plans to invoke watch younger siblings. It still effects our relationship today.

mlfitch · July 2015

Thank you so much everyone! I really am hoping she comes around. And it's nice to hear no one resents the baby! I talked to her a little last night about the baby shower,she has never been to one, and that the baby will be getting a lot of gifts and stuff and how did she feel about it. She was honest and said she might be a little jealous but then she shocked me saying it would be nice to make something for the people who come! That's not usually her style so I was so happy. I think I have been a little guarded so I haven't asked/expected much because I don't want to be disappointed by her reaction. I obviously need to open up a little more. Thanks for the encouragement!

RobinaCee · July 2015

My two sons were 13 and 10.5 when their baby brother was born. The 10 year old was and still is very attached to his brother. They are best buddies now even at 19 and 8 years old. Plus you get a built in babysitter!

dmiller1213 · July 2015

I was 13 when my sisters were born and I specifically remember not wanting to talk about it during gestation. I was my fathers only daughter, and now he was having 2 more, I was so upset. But once I expressed my feelings my dad and step mom backed off a little. Once the girls were born I didn't even care! I instantly loved the girls so much! I enjoyed helping take care of them, it made me feel older and respected more. Had they not backed off I'm not sure I would have reacted the same way, so that's my best advice is just to feel out how they are handling it now. Maybe make them feel needed and valued once your LO gets here.

Edited bc i can't spell!

oliarnmom1517 · July 2015

mlfitch said:
Thank you so much everyone! I really am hoping she comes around. And it's nice to hear no one resents the baby! I talked to her a little last night about the baby shower,she has never been to one, and that the baby will be getting a lot of gifts and stuff and how did she feel about it. She was honest and said she might be a little jealous but then she shocked me saying it would be nice to make something for the people who come! That's not usually her style so I was so happy. I think I have been a little guarded so I haven't asked/expected much because I don't want to be disappointed by her reaction. I obviously need to open up a little more. Thanks for the encouragement!

What I have always done if there are older kids at a baby shower is I always bring the older sibling something small like a "big sister" or "big brother" (depends on if the older sibling is a boy or a girl) of their favorite things just show them that they won't be forgotten and that people care about them.. That's NOT something that was asked but it was something nice to do..

tmandato1234 · July 2015

oorl11052015 said:

mlfitch said:
Thank you so much everyone! I really am hoping she comes around. And it's nice to hear no one resents the baby! I talked to her a little last night about the baby shower,she has never been to one, and that the baby will be getting a lot of gifts and stuff and how did she feel about it. She was honest and said she might be a little jealous but then she shocked me saying it would be nice to make something for the people who come! That's not usually her style so I was so happy. I think I have been a little guarded so I haven't asked/expected much because I don't want to be disappointed by her reaction. I obviously need to open up a little more. Thanks for the encouragement!

What I have always done if there are older kids at a baby shower is I always bring the older sibling something small like a "big sister" or "big brother" (depends on if the older sibling is a boy or a girl) of their favorite things just show them that they won't be forgotten and that people care about them.. That's NOT something that was asked but it was something nice to do..

Yes ! Make sure she doesn't feel like she will be forgotten. The day my sister was born, her uncle looked at me and said " everyone is going to forget & not care about you anymore ". People thought it was funny but it hurt so much

oliarnmom1517 · July 2015

tmandato1234 said:

oorl11052015 said:

mlfitch said:
Thank you so much everyone! I really am hoping she comes around. And it's nice to hear no one resents the baby! I talked to her a little last night about the baby shower,she has never been to one, and that the baby will be getting a lot of gifts and stuff and how did she feel about it. She was honest and said she might be a little jealous but then she shocked me saying it would be nice to make something for the people who come! That's not usually her style so I was so happy. I think I have been a little guarded so I haven't asked/expected much because I don't want to be disappointed by her reaction. I obviously need to open up a little more. Thanks for the encouragement!

What I have always done if there are older kids at a baby shower is I always bring the older sibling something small like a "big sister" or "big brother" (depends on if the older sibling is a boy or a girl) of their favorite things just show them that they won't be forgotten and that people care about them.. That's NOT something that was asked but it was something nice to do..
Yes ! Make sure she doesn't feel like she will be forgotten. The day my sister was born, her uncle looked at me and said " everyone is going to forget & not care about you anymore ". People thought it was funny but it hurt so much

I went to a baby shower a few years ago and the grandma was the one that said it.. That's when j started to do that.. I realized how much that hurt her and you could see the hurt in her face.. She was heartbroken.. I left the shower to get her something nice and she was 7 and still liked to play with what some people would say are "too young for that age" but she still liked to play with baby dolls at times and she had an American girl doll that she took everywhere.. I went and got her a new doll and she was really happy to receive something.. It doesn't have to be expensive either.. I've done it where I got everything from the dollar store.. It doesn't take much.. They just have to know that they are still going to be cared about

VexedMommy · July 2015

Anyone who tells a child that someone will stop caring about them for any reason needs to go directly to hell. That's such a horrible hurtful thing to say to ANYONE,let alone a child.

mandala1107 · July 2015

My little sister is nearly 14 years younger than me and my husband's little brothers are 18 and 20 years younger than him. For both of us, we were very much included in the baby process. My husband was in college so him less so. I actually was probably too involved with my sister. Her room was right beside mine so I would get up with her most nights, my mom even bragged about how well she slept through the night because she rarely got up with her, lol. She was also the perfect birth control for me, I swore I was never having kids! The difficult part of our relationships with our siblings was not when they were little, but more now that they are teenagers. We are so disconnected from them due to us having our own families and lives, that we don't really have a typical sibling relationship with them. More like aunt/uncle. My sister has been very hurt because she says I never spend time with her, never call, or text. Her only frame of reference for sibling relationships is those around her (at most a 5 year difference). I'm trying to be there for her in other ways, but living 45 minutes away, having a high level leadership position at work, plus a family and home, it is difficult to manage now. I miss the days when our relationship was less complicated. My husband is in a similar place with his brothers. It's more difficult now than it was when they were younger.

urby87 · July 2015

I am the younger of two, so I have no personal experience with this. My SS is eight, though, and he's been asking for a while now about when/if we were going to have a baby; he's really excited about having a little sister on the way. We have him every weekend, so we do a little weekly update about how the baby is growing and answer questions that he has. We talk to him about how he's going to be an awesome big brother, too, so he doesn't feel left out. I hope your LO comes around.

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