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January 2016 Moms
KaraEpp16
member
Frenemy! Long Post.
KaraEpp16
member
So, I thought I would start a thread where we can share our stories about our frenemies - past and present.
I'll go first - My personality is such that, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Am I trusting? Yep. I used to think it was a weakness, especially after I would experience a recent burn but now I've come to accept that this is the way I am. I've become better at seeing things before they reach the burn stage BUT I still give chances to people I love.
A little background on my frenemy:
She and I dated the same mentally abusive guy. She (I'll call her Jen) dated the abuser before I did. He was slightly physical with both of us but the mental abuse was the real kicker. After everything ended with him and I started to reach some clarity about the situation, I got in contact with her. I just said "Hey, would love to pick your brain about so and so." Finally, she contacted me back and we lamented what we experienced and even became work out buddies! She was still in contact with the abuser! I let her know that I did not think that was a good idea and that she needed to let him know that theres should be no more contact. She followed my advice - we continued to hang out and count on each other while going through the single/dating scene after dealing with an abuser. We have somewhat similar personalities but I'm aware that she can be a little more vindictive whereas I just let things lie. She was someone who I considered to be a best friend.
Fast forward:
Jen and I started dating our SOs around the same time. I always knew that she found my SO attractive but I wasn't insecure about it - it made sense that we would have somewhat the same taste. I knew he wasn't interested and was convinced she wouldn't try to be one of those types. What didn't make sense to me was her complimenting something about my SO and than saying something derogatory about her SO in the same breath. It was almost constantly a comparison. This was not something that made me think "RED FLAG" because everyone has flaws - I just didn't feel the need to point out my other half's but she did. We are two different people so if she needed to "vent" than I should be a good friend and let her have say what she needs to. The comparisons really started to become glaringly obvious after I moved into my new apartment with my SO.
Well, shortly after Christmas I saw her and she brought up the gifts that she exchanged with her SO - "Yeah, I got him this this and this and I only spent X amount of money." I let her know what I did for my SO for Christmas. - This is normal girl talk? So I'm not concerned....yet. - Then, she says "Well he only got me this and this and spent less than my X amount of money." Oh, okay well I don't think in monetary things but she does. I said "Oh well, those sound like very nice gifts regardless." And she asks me about what my SO got for me. Wellllllllllll - Last Christmas my SO went completely overboard ( I didn't say this to her) and got me very nice gift cards to a few different places. I didn't tell her how much - until she asked. She just kind of snickered and crossed her arms.
A few minutes later Jen starts talking about how her and her SO cannot move in together "because of the stupid car". He'd just bought a new sporty car that he'd always wanted and I knew for a fact made him VERY happy. She keeps going on and on about how it's so impractical and how he needs to sell it so they can afford living together. Because I'm a straight forward friend I said "You sound kind of bitter..." and she just dismissed it and said no no no no. This was the last time I saw her in person because she kept telling me that I should go into Torrid and check out what they had. Yes - I had gained the weight that she probably had lost since I saw her last. No, I don't have anything against plus size stores but I think I should be the one to suggest it. PLUS I know she struggles with an eating disorder and found it completely insensitive on her part. She really hurt my feelings and made me way more self-conscious about the weight I had gained.
Fast Forward again:
I made up an excuse not to see her after the Christmas fiasco. I hadn't seen her in months - now I'm pregnant. I feel weird not letting her know before I announce it. So, I send her the ultrasound pic via FB just to see what she says. Pic sent at 9am - get a text at 9pm that says "Are you pregnant?! I'm engaged!" followed by a picture of her engagement ring.
This was at 8 weeks pregnant and I lost it. I bawled my eyes out. BUT not before I told my SO that even though they got engaged - we're happy. She is going to marry a man she can't stand and will compare our lives as long as I let her. I've definitely put a lot of distance between us. I sent her my ultrasound picture because I wanted to believe that she was just having a bad day the last time I saw her. During our conversation she had the nerve to ask "So how are you and SO feeling about the pregnancy?" Instead of "You guys must be so excited!"
My SO said "You keep saying she's your friend. But I don't think that's the case" First and only frenemy in adulthood. The vicious cycle of abuse seems to continue in her relationship, where I've done a lot of work to make sure I do not become the abuser.
So THANKS for reading my super long winded post and I would love to hear feedback (good or bad) and your stories with frenemies.
I'll go first - My personality is such that, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Am I trusting? Yep. I used to think it was a weakness, especially after I would experience a recent burn but now I've come to accept that this is the way I am. I've become better at seeing things before they reach the burn stage BUT I still give chances to people I love.
A little background on my frenemy:
She and I dated the same mentally abusive guy. She (I'll call her Jen) dated the abuser before I did. He was slightly physical with both of us but the mental abuse was the real kicker. After everything ended with him and I started to reach some clarity about the situation, I got in contact with her. I just said "Hey, would love to pick your brain about so and so." Finally, she contacted me back and we lamented what we experienced and even became work out buddies! She was still in contact with the abuser! I let her know that I did not think that was a good idea and that she needed to let him know that theres should be no more contact. She followed my advice - we continued to hang out and count on each other while going through the single/dating scene after dealing with an abuser. We have somewhat similar personalities but I'm aware that she can be a little more vindictive whereas I just let things lie. She was someone who I considered to be a best friend.
Fast forward:
Jen and I started dating our SOs around the same time. I always knew that she found my SO attractive but I wasn't insecure about it - it made sense that we would have somewhat the same taste. I knew he wasn't interested and was convinced she wouldn't try to be one of those types. What didn't make sense to me was her complimenting something about my SO and than saying something derogatory about her SO in the same breath. It was almost constantly a comparison. This was not something that made me think "RED FLAG" because everyone has flaws - I just didn't feel the need to point out my other half's but she did. We are two different people so if she needed to "vent" than I should be a good friend and let her have say what she needs to. The comparisons really started to become glaringly obvious after I moved into my new apartment with my SO.
Well, shortly after Christmas I saw her and she brought up the gifts that she exchanged with her SO - "Yeah, I got him this this and this and I only spent X amount of money." I let her know what I did for my SO for Christmas. - This is normal girl talk? So I'm not concerned....yet. - Then, she says "Well he only got me this and this and spent less than my X amount of money." Oh, okay well I don't think in monetary things but she does. I said "Oh well, those sound like very nice gifts regardless." And she asks me about what my SO got for me. Wellllllllllll - Last Christmas my SO went completely overboard ( I didn't say this to her) and got me very nice gift cards to a few different places. I didn't tell her how much - until she asked. She just kind of snickered and crossed her arms.
A few minutes later Jen starts talking about how her and her SO cannot move in together "because of the stupid car". He'd just bought a new sporty car that he'd always wanted and I knew for a fact made him VERY happy. She keeps going on and on about how it's so impractical and how he needs to sell it so they can afford living together. Because I'm a straight forward friend I said "You sound kind of bitter..." and she just dismissed it and said no no no no. This was the last time I saw her in person because she kept telling me that I should go into Torrid and check out what they had. Yes - I had gained the weight that she probably had lost since I saw her last. No, I don't have anything against plus size stores but I think I should be the one to suggest it. PLUS I know she struggles with an eating disorder and found it completely insensitive on her part. She really hurt my feelings and made me way more self-conscious about the weight I had gained.
Fast Forward again:
I made up an excuse not to see her after the Christmas fiasco. I hadn't seen her in months - now I'm pregnant. I feel weird not letting her know before I announce it. So, I send her the ultrasound pic via FB just to see what she says. Pic sent at 9am - get a text at 9pm that says "Are you pregnant?! I'm engaged!" followed by a picture of her engagement ring.
This was at 8 weeks pregnant and I lost it. I bawled my eyes out. BUT not before I told my SO that even though they got engaged - we're happy. She is going to marry a man she can't stand and will compare our lives as long as I let her. I've definitely put a lot of distance between us. I sent her my ultrasound picture because I wanted to believe that she was just having a bad day the last time I saw her. During our conversation she had the nerve to ask "So how are you and SO feeling about the pregnancy?" Instead of "You guys must be so excited!"
My SO said "You keep saying she's your friend. But I don't think that's the case" First and only frenemy in adulthood. The vicious cycle of abuse seems to continue in her relationship, where I've done a lot of work to make sure I do not become the abuser.
So THANKS for reading my super long winded post and I would love to hear feedback (good or bad) and your stories with frenemies.
Re: Frenemy! Long Post.
I only have one frenemy, I've known the gal since high school and she just keeps coming back. She pretends to be my friend, then creates a giant mess out of everything, assumes she knows my feelings on the matter, blames me, and leaves. The other day she messaged me on Facebook thanking me for being such a good friend and I just didn't say anything back. I'm too tired of the cycle.
People should just be nice to each other and freaking relax.
Mine was with my last roommate/co-worker. We met after a disastrous breakup of mine, I had been with the guy for 7 years and they were not a happy seven years. I had no friends because all of "our friends" ditched me when we split. I was living with my mom when I noticed one of my co workers looking for places to rent. She said she would consider having a roommate and let me know.
A couple of days later she said sure why not.. so we find a place and move in together. We became total besties being single and partying together, having a total blast making up for all the years I missed doing anything like this while with my ex.
Then fast forward to when I met my SO. She never liked any of the guys I dated because they took my attention away from hanging out with her. Needless to say she wasn't fond of SO. Then things started progressing with me and him and out lease was going to be up soon so I talked to her about him moving in and taking over her part of the lease or adding him.
She did not like that at all. from that point on it was war between the two of us. She wouldn't acknowledge me or him and was being a straight out bitch. And now we are completely out of each others lives and I don't even know if she knows I am preggers.
Anyway I have to cut it short, heading to my monthly check up at 4:30, wish me luck!
Edit for spelling
Honestly, she is just so self-centered. If she was a "friend" she'd be cut out of my life in a heartbeat. I have no time for negative, toxic relationships.
She has mentioned to other family members that she was trying for another baby and "why can't she get pregnant". That was before we told her. So I think that's why she's not talking to us but she is trying to blame me too on top of it. Saying that I'm not nice to her, that I don't talk to her son, that I fake smile to her (all of which are not true). I just don't know how to deal with her.
Last week when DH talked to her, she brought up Christmas!!! And mentioned that it was bull that I had to spend Christmas Day with my family and didn't get to see her and her family at their parents' house in the morning to open gifts. DH told her that every year, my family tries to make plans around his family's so that we get to see everyone but that she never changes her plans ever. Then she says "I'm over Christmas". Oh reeeeallllyyyy, then why the hell did you bring it up 7 months later????
Sorry for such the rant. This is weighing heavy on me. I just don't understand how you are not happy for someone in your family during one of their happiest moments of life??
She constantly compares our lives and thinks she got the short end of the stick which isn't true.
@Snoopylovesbelle My sister is 7 years younger and she had the nerve to freak out on my when she was 17 and I was 24 about getting a new car. She was 17! She didn't even have her license yet and she got in touch with me after and tried to guilt trip me so badly! I'm an adult! I needed a car, so I got one! Where the heck does she get off coming at me like that?!
It really bums me out that she's robbing her daughters of having a relationship with you. It's not their/your fault that she has her own demons she's obviously dealing with.
I know most people are not worth it and I'm totally cool with cutting people out. Especially if they are the only ones who are benefiting, sometimes in a twisted way.
I don't want to completely give up on my friend but at the same time it does seem I'm pulling the ghost move and there hasn't been a question on her part. She said she would like to hang out soon - I told her that if she wanted to let me know what works best that maybe I could swing it. I just don't know how many chances I should give her at this point because the negatives are starting to outweigh the positives.
I hope your situation gets better. Sometimes it's just better to move out of frenemies lives
Yeah, in a previous post I said maybe I should just call her out. I would like to do it face to face though. I just worry about backlash.
I'm exactly the same way. I can count good solid friends outside of family on one hand. She was one which is why I've been struggling. I have had no problem focusing on my other friends and letting her simmer on the back burner. Everything I've ever practiced when it came to friendships is along the lines of all the advice given on this post. She's just the only one who burrowed in deep and causes second guessing. I do feel like I've always done right by her and my trusting nature makes me think maybe she just isn't executing things well but has good intentions. Ahhhh maybe I'm just naive when it comes to her. I would just really hope someone would say to me if I acted that way... "look, bi!$@ your attitude sucks. You are being shitty for no reason." I know that when I was having a tough time my friends have called me out. In those cases, I valued our friendship. Reassessed from their perspective and apologized.