Advice needed

alyjo89 · July 2015

I know this is a little ways off, but my in- laws are from CT and we live in Ohio, and they are sure that they will be here within two weeks that the babe is born and will be staying with us for a long weekend. This is our first, and maybe it won't be as exhausting as I think it will be.. But they were just here for a long weekend, and it totally wiped me out. From cooking meals to just having people around all weekend- kinda was ready for them to leave. Do you think it would be good to see if they can stay with my Grandparents who live about 10 minutes away and my Grandma would love it and she's very hospitable? Or do you think by two weeks after our babe is born, I'll be ready for weekend company? I'm just thinking sleepless nights and all the newness of becoming a Mom added to our of state company would be too much? Can someone shed some light on this topic... Thanks!

ash413 · July 2015

2 weeks post partum is pretty early to be entertaining people, especially if you end up needing a C Section, or trying to get the hang of BF.
If your IL are the type to just want to hold baby, and not help with laundry,cooking, cleaning then I don't think it is unresonable to ask them to stay somewhere other than your house.
I wouldn't want to cook and clean for guests while also caring for a 2 week old. What has your husband said about the situation.

Edit to add: I think a big part of this decision will also be what kind of relationship you have with your in laws.

HellsAngel22 · July 2015

This is baby number 3 for me. With DS1 I had people over visiting from just one day after of being home. It was tiring & very overwhelming. However when I had DS2 I did not not make that mistake again. I never had any visitors till 2wks after he was born & I have to say it was the best thing I did. I will be doing this again with this baby.
I would say if it's only a weekend I would have them stay seen as they are coming from OOT.
I don't think having them stay at your grandparents house would be a good idea. They are coming to see you & baby so staying with someone else may make then feel unwanted.
Ultimately it's your decision & you need to do what you feel is best for you.

thefithuntress · July 2015

My in-laws are coming down for Christmas, which is 3-ish weeks after my EDD. There are 5 of them, including two babies, so I politely informed my husband there was no way I could host them. They'll be staying down the street. Whatever decision you do come to just make sure you and your husband are in agreement and on the same page, but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's hard to have company over and it's even harder if you aren't comfortable around them; it could make breastfeeding or just recovering more difficult.

lulamagoo · July 2015

We had my mom fly in for three weeks to help when ds was born. My Mil came for a week after she left. It was hard having people in my house constantly, but having the help was really nice. Both cooked and cleaned for us so I could just bond with baby and figure out being a mom.
That being said, I was glad to have my house back once they left. But it was a lot harder without their help.
If they are going to visit, I think having expectations laid out from the beginning is key. I also don't think it is unreasonable to have your grandmother host them if she is up for it. You will still be nursing a ton (if you decide to bf) and I wouldn't want to have to cover up all of the time in front of my fil.

kmkrushi · July 2015

I know my in laws are all going to want to come, since they didn't get to come right away with DD. My MIL will love to help out with cooking and cleaning (I have to stop her from doing that when she's here just for a visit) but the rest have a tendency to just sit and relax. I know my MIL would end up doing all the work, with the exception of my husband. I've been thinking I will either need to talk to them ahead of time to make sure that doesn't happen or ask them to hold off coming but let her come on her own. Since DH is the oldest, I've become the big sister so I take on that role a lot with them.

That being said, if you're going to have to "entertain" them at all I would definitely ask if they can stay else where. Talk to your husband first and see what he says, though. He may want them close and he'd be willing to pick up the extra weight while they're visiting.

Unica1302+ · July 2015

If it were me I'd kindly ask them to stay with your grandparents. They can still see you frequently enough to be with the baby and help if they want to but not so constant it'll put you out. Remember you might want alone time with your little family and might still be emotional as well as tired. Don't put any unnecessary pressure or expectations on yourself.

lakesideknitter · July 2015

It depends on your relationship with them. If you or your husband can set the expectation with them that neither of you will be up to hosting them the way you did last weekend, and you may ask them to help with cooking/cleaning/laundry. If that conversation would be awkward, maybe you should ask your grandma to offer to host them.

VexedMommy · July 2015

I think you should discuss it with your DH. I think having them stay at your grandparents is a great idea. They could come over and spend time with you and the baby, but then they would leave and you'd have some downtime. That said, I don't know your family dynamic and whether this arrangement would cause more problems than it would solve.

shanabull · July 2015

No one expects you to actually be a hostess right after having a baby. In-laws are (in my experience) exhausting no matter what.

If your in-laws are the type that will help you in the middle the night with the baby – then have them stay with you. (Or if you want their help)

If they are not, I see absolutely nothing wrong with asking them to stay at your grandparents so you can be alone with the baby at night.

CarrieOct15 · July 2015

I hate my in-laws, so my response would be "over my dead body". That's just me, though.

)

If you do let them stay, I would just have your husband set up some clear boundaries & ground rules, so they know they can't just come visit, take baby away from you, and have you cook & clean for them all weekend.

lakesideknitter · July 2015

shanabull said:
No one expects you to actually be a hostess right after having a baby. In-laws are (in my experience) exhausting no matter what.

If your in-laws are the type that will help you in the middle the night with the baby – then have them stay with you. (Or if you want their help)

If they are not, I see absolutely nothing wrong with asking them to stay at your grandparents so you can be alone with the baby at night.

In my experience, this is not true. My SIL's mom stayed at their house for a week after my niece was born and wanted to be holding the baby the whole time while my SIL was learning to BF/be a mom for the first time. My brother/SIL had to ask her to leave early.

dogsombrero · July 2015

I agree with PPs that if your ILs expect to be pampered and aren't any help do not host them at 2 weeks PP. My MIL is great but FIL negates all her efforts in his PITA-ness. We hosted them when DS was 1 month and it was very hard. This time if they want to entertain DS and pickup takeout they are more than welcome because I'd like a better adult to child ratio than 1 to 3.

dapoint23 · July 2015

If they want to stay with you they should also want to cook and fold some laundry

bellie1223 · July 2015

I had to have this conversation with my mom recently who wanted to come visit from out of state right away after I have the baby. She and I don't have the best relationship, her visits are always exhausting, and I definitely see her being the type who would just want to hold the baby all the time, also I don't think I would feel comfortable breastfeeding right away with her around (she'd be telling me what i was doing wrong the whole time and talking about how easy it was for her). She was pretty upset about it, but I just had to be firm and explain that my husband and I decided we don't want ANY visitors right away. While she agreed, I think her feelings are still hurt.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you know your family and your in laws the best and have to make the decision based on what will work for you. As far how they feel, I'm beginning to see what other posters have said about when it comes to me and my baby's safety and comfort, I just don't really care as much about hurting people's feelings...

MollyC20 · July 2015

Great advice from PP. I'd also say that unless they've expressed to you that they're coming to cook, clean, let you sleep/shower, do whatever they can for you, I would have them stay somewhere else.

You will be exhausted, probably not showered, boobs hanging out (maybe lol), last thing you will want is to play host. Good luck!

dmiller1213 · July 2015

Not a huge fan of my in laws so my opinion is kind of biased. However, they are flying in to meet baby boy. My MIL has already told me that she is planning on doing everything around the house and letting me rest.

Do I like her? No. Do I want her in my home? No. Will I take her help? Absolutely. Lol

I think it's just going to depend on what their intentions are while visiting. If they expect you to host them id kindly (or not) give them a print out of all the local hotels

jellybug8402 · July 2015

I vote trying to find/have them find alternate arrangements while they are in town. You, and your SO, not only need but deserve the quiet time with your new LO.

mlfitch · July 2015

If they do stay I would make sure u have some take out menus as well as other stuff to do avail as well as having grandma on standby. If u are tired and no one has offered to make dinner just hand them a menu and say it's been such a long day and I'm not up for cooking would you mind just ordering something. What are they going to do? I have no idea if my MIL is coming and since my mom is deceased I am hoping she comes and will be helpful. Or if baby is up a lot at night the first night you could just say I'm sure we kept you all up you are more than welco.e to stay down the street so you can get a good night's sleep. If I've had enough of people/visitors I totally plan to just politely disappear for a nap with the baby.

RNmommy13 · July 2015

I would want them to stay somewhere if you are planning on breastfeeding. It's just you and baby are still trying to figure things out and you want to feel comfortable in your house.also I don't know how helpful they will be but you just don't need that extra cleaning

gkfk · July 2015

Im booking my ILs in a hotel. I couldnt even get my parents to host them, lol. They just visited this weekend and i was annoyed to be 5 mos. pregnant doing their dishes, cooking, and worrying about when and what i could eat/sleep/etc; no way am i doing that after the baby is born and we're all exhausted.

RobinaCee · July 2015

I wouldn't do it. You're tired, emotional and learning how to adjust to a new human.
Even short visits stressed me out, it's just not worth it. Lay down the rules early.

kwaldy · July 2015

My ILs are probably staying with me.... I'm not thrilled about it. Especially because DH was talking to them on the phone and said "well, we can just put you in the nursery on the queen mattress and not put up the crib until later because the baby's gonna be sleeping in our room anyway."
I don't care where the baby is sleeping, that nursery will be set up. Crib plus queen size bed plus glider and all other baby things will not fit in that room and I'm not going to be setting it up after having the baby. No maam. I'm a planner so this shit will be done ASAP after getting back from vacation. I put my foot down on that one.

ETA: I wish I had the balls to say something and tell them to find their own place to stay. I know it's easier said than done, so I feel your pain.... good luck!

oliarnmom1517 · July 2015

kwaldy said:
My ILs are probably staying with me.... I'm not thrilled about it. Especially because DH was talking to them on the phone and said "well, we can just put you in the nursery on the queen mattress and not put up the crib until later because the baby's gonna be sleeping in our room anyway."
I don't care where the baby is sleeping, that nursery will be set up. Crib plus queen size bed plus glider and all other baby things will not fit in that room and I'm not going to be setting it up after having the baby. No maam. I'm a planner so this shit will be done ASAP after getting back from vacation. I put my foot down on that one.

ETA: I wish I had the balls to say something and tell them to find their own place to stay. I know it's easier said than done, so I feel your pain.... good luck!

This would not fly at my place.. There is a couch that turns into a queen sized bed.. You want to stay it's right there!! I'm not doing all of that work to put a room together to move it all later!!!

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