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Surprised to feel sad: only mom visiting after baby comes

SballerinaSballerina member
in October 2015 Moms
Tonight my mom asked me about when she should book tickets to see the baby. (My parents and younger sister live on the West Coast and I live in Maryland.) I told her when, and asked if it would be just her or also my dad and sister. She replied that it will just be her. She said my dad has apparently worn down his second employer's patience by having to be out of town several times this year for his other job (full time). And my sister has work and college. My mom herself will miss a couple days of college classes in order to come a long weekend. I just asked my dad about it, and he confirmed his second job getting covered is the challenge. There is still some time, maybe he could swing it, but no guarantees.

For some reason I feel suprisingly sad hearing this news. I actually don't understand my own reaction, because a few months ago when my mom offered to come stay for a month (my husband and I had her scale back to a long weekend for multiple reasons on her and our parts), I knew she was suggesting that only she come. I can't remember back then if I felt disappointed my dad and sister didn't seem to be part of the plan. I guess somewhere along the line I hoped they would all be able to come for a weekend. Which is a bit weird if I did hope that, because I love my family yet I don't always "fit" smoothly with them anymore, having been out of the house for years now ever since college, and trust issues with my parents that they have not been ready to fully work out so that we can have a truly close relationship.

All I can think is that maybe I am more emotional than I used to be. More warm and fuzzy? Or maybe this inner desire to have them there is related to the fact I only moved here in September before marrying my husband in November, and that I am subconsciously aching for friends, family, ANYONE who has known me longer than my new friends here to experience this with me? I don't understand myself. I love my husband and don't regret moving out here to marry him. I guess I just miss my friends and wish they could be here and see my little, amazing newborn, or even have my family here even though interacting is sometimes a challenge.

Sigh. Tearing up. Anyone have any ideas why I'm feeling this way? Words of encouragement, anything...bit of an emotional, hormonal mess right about now. :(
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Re: Surprised to feel sad: only mom visiting after baby comes

  • gogracegograce member
    It's okay to be down!
    You're probably right about missing your friends and family. A lot of big life changes with little outside comfort. I couldn't do this pregnancy without some outside support. My husband is wonderful, but he's not always what I need.
    It's got to be hard to have friends so far away and not be able to experience this with them. The best part about life long friends is seeing them grow into adults, spouses, and parents along side you.
    Maybe you and your husband could try to plan a trip back to the West Coast sometime next year, so you can visit with all of your friends and family with your new baby?
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  • christina4436christina4436 member
    Similar situation, I'm in WI and fam in NY. My mom will prob come out for a long weekend, but my dad is a football coach and gym teacher so fall is pretty busy. Sister was also just here in July and doesn't have ample $ to spend living in NYC. However, we did make plans that they will come out for Xmas since a longer break (and could drive if wanted to save $). We normally go home or meet somewhere warm for Xmas. I think this is the perfect compromise. My mom can come out and help but I won't feel overwhelmed with multiple people sitting around to entertain, yet we will still see them after and they will meet baby when we have a little more routine. My dad did mention potentially coming out but idk how he would swing it with his schedule, and j am fine just waiting a bit bc it could be alittle overwhelming. It's nice knowing he wants to though. Maybe they could plan something like that over thanksgiving or Xmas?
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  • LiveNLove44LiveNLove44 member
    I think it's really normal to feel that kind of sadness. Not having my dad there with my mom would bum me out, and this is our second child. I think something that could help you work through that feeling is knowing that he wants to be there and the moment that he can get the time, he'll fly across the country for you and your LO. It sounds like he really does want to be there but logistically, it may not work out. If he can't, your mom will bring all the love and hugs, you can Face Time/Skype with grandpa, and then when the time is right, he'll be there to comfort you and your new, sweet LO. I'm sorry that it is causing you sadness, but I know it'll work out! I hope you can find some comfort in conversations with your parents over the coming months!
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  • alinic916alinic916 member
    I feel for you.  While my mom lives here, my sister and dad will be here for a short time (they live halfway across the country).  But it's more my husband's parents I'm sad about.  It's their first grandchild as well and they live in another country.  Only his mom is coming after the baby is born.  She is coming for 2 months when I go back to work, which I'm grateful for but not thrilled to have her stay for so long.  But his dad and brother aren't coming.  I understand about his brother because he's in med school and can't take any time off, but I don't understand why his dad can't be here as well.  It will probably be a few years before we go back over there to visit so he won't even get to see his grandchild as a baby.  
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  • CanDGrrlCanDGrrl member
    Hormones! ugh  I remember moving soon after we had our first LO. I guess I just kept myself so busy that I didn't feel isolated. 
    Maybe they can all plan a trip later, when there's a break in school?  In reality, it may be easier for you to go back home and visit all the people you are missing.  I can understand the disappointment; you want to share your LO with the ones you love.  Being this far will make it harder to do, and it's also a really long trip for just a couple of days.  Try not to take it personal.  *Hugs*
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  • SballerinaSballerina member
    Thanks ladies. Still thinking and praying about what's really going on in my mind and heart about feeling this way. As best as I can tell, my feelings come from wanting to feel THEY feel baby is important.

    @gograce : My husband has been in this area for over ten years, so at least he is well established here. His friends and church family accepted me very quickly, simply because I was his fiancé (now wife). I have been able to get closer to a few of the wives of his friends, so I do have outside support. It's just not the same as being around the friends that have known me for longer. But yes, exactly, sometimes the sheer amount of major life changes in the last year/year and a half are emotionally taxing, though they are good and I can say God has really blessed and taken care of me.

    @christina4436: Ah yes, I am glad your dad wants to come earlier. At least like you said Christmas looks lIke it will work out. For us, not sure of we could have them come for Christmas. (Thanksgiving won't work for other reasons.) It really never occurred to me. My dad would still only have a three day weekend. I can ask. Then it would make sense for all of them to just come then.

    @LiveNLove44 : He probably does want to come visit, but I think part of what is hurting me right now is that the reasons for my dad and sister not to come have been clearly stated, but I have not yet heard them express they want to come. It may be because I have yet to actually talk on the phone with them about this, or that they can often be emotionally reserved. We don't all talk that often. Maybe we should. Either way I'm not holding it against them, just trying to work through my feelings.

    Aww @aprosch! You have it worse than me. Have you asked why your dad isn't planning to come? I hope you have some really good friends around you to help ease the pain of not having much biological family around to support/enjoy baby.

    @CanDGrrl : Yeah, there could be merits to having them all come at Christmas instead. We will want to travel out to California to see friends and family. Just no idea of when at this point.

    Thanks again everyone.
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