Family not accepting at all...

madwhalen124 · July 2015

Just need to rant.. This weekend I took my fiancé and his daughter to visit my dads side of the family And meet them all. They all were super excited about seeing us but when we got there and saw everyone no one said congratulations on our pregnancy or engagement. Just ignored it all and him pretty much.

My grandma was a whole different story though... I showed her the ring he had got me and she didn't comment on it beside asked when we were getting married, which I replied in a few years when I finish college. She asked me if I was sure about that and I said yes. To which her reply was "at least your not my child" she's always been the nicest, most caring and understanding person, so this threw me off guard. Later that night she brought me into her room (she's very religious) and started lecturing me on how I'm sinning for having sex and having a child before marriage and if I want my child and my life to be happy and healthy then I must stop sinning so god can forgive me and my child and help us with these "tough times." I didn't want to bash her religion or anything so I just sat there and nodded in agreement. Then went to my fiancé and just balled because my only grandparent is so disappointed in me.

IM 100% HAPPY! These are not tough times.. Im a full time student.. With a full time job and the most supportive and caring immediate family I could ask for! I'm super excited about our child and our engagement. I'm young.. But that just means I get to love them a little longer than most others do. And everything happens for a reason!

sarah92544 · July 2015

My grandmother is the same way! When i left my first husband for cheating i got a hige lecture for going on a date. I did the same as you just nodded my head no sence arguing they are set in their ways.

KaraEpp16 · July 2015

I told my Nana after I heard the heartbeat. I called her on the phone and I said "How do you feel about being a great nana?" And she said "Are you pregnant?" I said Yes. She immediately asked "Are you going to get married?" I laughed and told her SO wasn't going anywhere. I also had another old fashioned woman tell me that I needed to hurry up and get married before the baby arrived. Sorry - I'm not going to push/rush marriage on my SO just because we're expecting a child together. We're adults and we'll deal with our ADULT decisions the way we'd like.

My Nana also convinced my mother to lie to my Papa about her already being married to my father when she announced her first pregnancy before they sealed the deal when my mom was 7 months pregnant. I still don't think my Papa knew and he's been gone for over a year. My parents had three children after me and are still happily married.

It's really hard for religious and old fashioned grandparents/people to wrap their brain around being in a committed relationship without being legally married. Add children to the mix and it's like their own personal nightmare.

When I spoke to my Nana I was pretty upfront about how marriage was not something that was being talked about. She and I have a really great relationship and she is aware that I do say what is on my mind. She thankfully has more tact then to sit me down or say something as awful as what your grandmother did. That would break my heart. If my Nana had said something like that I would have said "You know, you really hurt my feelings when you said that to me. I enjoy our relationship and how open we are. When you made that comment it made me feel like I should not continue to share joyful things with you if they do not fit into your traditional box." I would also say something along the lines of "The Christian God is a forgiving God and I will ask for forgiveness where I see fit. Please do not worry about my soul." <-- but that's me being a little snarky, which I would be snarky. I come from a very large Irish Catholic family and I'm only the second person I can think of to have a child out of wedlock and it SCARED the crap out of me before I announced. But it is what it is. You have a ring on your finger and a plan that you and yours have decided upon - That should be good enough for everyone who wants to be a part of your life.

Whether you believe in God or not - The Christian God is forgiving and no one here is going to hell for having a baby before saying vows. IMO.

sherks11 · July 2015

KaraEpp16 said:
It's really hard for religious and old fashioned grandparents/people to wrap their brain around being in a committed relationship without being legally married. Add children to the mix and it's like their own personal nightmare.

This. When I told my grandmother that DH and I were living together (we were engaged at the time), she freaked out and told me I wasn't living the life that God wants me to and I wasn't following his plan. She just couldn't understand it.

My advice would be to give it time. I hope they come around sooner rather than later but at the latest, there is no way they will be acting this way once there is a beautiful baby around!!!

melmel7224 · July 2015

My fiance's parents got up and walked out when we told them we were having a baby. They have absolutely nothing to do with

melmel7224 · July 2015

Either of us. When i told my family the first thing out of their mouths was "when's the wedding" i told them not for at least two years. At first they were upset, but now they've come around. It gets easier.

christinamlazaro · July 2015

I am going through the same situation, only the situation is BACKWARDS. His family is not accepting of me at all. His dad has ignored me since day 1, and now it's even worse since I'm pregnant.

My advice is to totally make sure that you stand by your SO 100%. Do not let your family bring you and your SO down. My SO doesn't talk to his father since he doesn't accept me and although it seems selfish of me, I'm glad that my boyfriend sticks up for me and stands by me 100%.

You're probably better off without them until they decide to come around.

SummerFall03 · July 2015

I'm new here and normally lurk, but my brother was just in this situation.. I'm just not sure he knows about it. So I just found out I was pregnant in May, and the minute I told my parents my mom was thrilled and called my Great Uncle to tell him (I'm married). At this time my brother's fiance was about 7 months pregnant... she had NOT told him yet and it was because it is a HUGE disappointment to my family that they aren't married yet. I told my mom she has to tell him, and he can get over his beliefs.

In the end it's about you and the family you are creating. Screw what anyone else says or thinks!

LauraFi · July 2015

I hope your extended family comes around. Don't let it stress you out, focus on the positives in your life and all the love and support that you do have. It's funny how sensitive some people can be about having babies "too" young, or before marriage. But then you also get almost the other side of the spectrum. When I first met my MIL my DH and I were living together but had not even been dating a whole year and she told us that she used to think that people should be married before having kids but now she just wanted grandchildren. My in-laws lived on the other side of the country. For the record we were not pregnant so although it is nice to know she would have been supportive it was a bit funny hearing that the very first time I met her. Good luck with your family, and don't feel pressured to get married sooner than you had planned just because a baby is in its way.

KaraEpp16 · July 2015

@SummerFall03 I feel so bad for your SIL. That breaks my heart.

Emott13 · July 2015

I'm going to be inviting flame here, but you have to give religious parents and grandparents a break. They didn't grow up in the world we did. There have been bigger advancements in civil rights in the past 50-60 years than there were in the previous 300. Things have changed rapidly, and it's hard for them to keep up. They often don't do it tactfully, whether because of age or personality, but it doesn't mean that you should shut them out. It's hard to adapt to an entirely new form of social thinking.
I, too, am Catholic, and occasionally express concern when friends and family do things that I believe to be wrong. There are two things that anyone who isn't religious need to understand: first, any time that anyone says something to you it comes from a place of DEEPEST caring. Again, lots of people don't express their beliefs lovingly, and religious people need to realize that they do more harm than good when they approach it poorly. But your grandmother I'm sure only said these things because she cares and worries for you daily. (And probably prays for you daily, too!)
The second big thing to realize is that when someone is religious, their faith is fact to them, often called "Truth with a capital T". Regardless of whether you share your grandmother's faith, she still believes that the rules and Eternity and Heaven and Hell still apply to you. So saying "but I'm happy" or "get on board or get left behind" probably won't change how she views the situation. Again, I think that it comes from a place of very deep care for you and your Soul and she isn't trying to be hurtful, she's just old fashioned and very steadfast in her faith.

I guess it hurts me to see people shut out their family because of expressions of doubt about their situation. My mother doesn't like that I live in a mobile home, but I don't let that keep me from inviting her over for holidays and to see her grandbaby. No, your grandmother probably won't change her mind, and she probably doesn't fully support the situation, but I bet she won't feel the need to sit you down and talk it out. She has said her piece. If she pushes the issue again, then kindly tell her to shove it, but understand that she probably feels a moral obligation to say something about it once, and will probably not bring it up again.

SummerFall03 · July 2015

Emott13 said:

I'm going to be inviting flame here, but you have to give religious parents and grandparents a break. They didn't grow up in the world we did. There have been bigger advancements in civil rights in the past 50-60 years than there were in the previous 300. Things have changed rapidly, and it's hard for them to keep up. They often don't do it tactfully, whether because of age or personality, but it doesn't mean that you should shut them out. It's hard to adapt to an entirely new form of social thinking. I, too, am Catholic, and occasionally express concern when friends and family do things that I believe to be wrong. There are two things that anyone who isn't religious need to understand: first, any time that anyone says something to you it comes from a place of DEEPEST caring. Again, lots of people don't express their beliefs lovingly, and religious people need to realize that they do more harm than good when they approach it poorly. But your grandmother I'm sure only said these things because she cares and worries for you daily. (And probably prays for you daily, too!) The second big thing to realize is that when someone is religious, their faith is fact to them, often called "Truth with a capital T". Regardless of whether you share your grandmother's faith, she still believes that the rules and Eternity and Heaven and Hell still apply to you. So saying "but I'm happy" or "get on board or get left behind" probably won't change how she views the situation. Again, I think that it comes from a place of very deep care for you and your Soul and she isn't trying to be hurtful, she's just old fashioned and very steadfast in her faith. I guess it hurts me to see people shut out their family because of expressions of doubt about their situation. My mother doesn't like that I live in a mobile home, but I don't let that keep me from inviting her over for holidays and to see her grandbaby. No, your grandmother probably won't change her mind, and she probably doesn't fully support the situation, but I bet she won't feel the need to sit you down and talk it out. She has said her piece. If she pushes the issue again, then kindly tell her to shove it, but understand that she probably feels a moral obligation to say something about it once, and will probably not bring it up again.

I understand where you are coming from, but the day a family member tells me "at least your not my child", then they can go f*ck themselves in my opinion. I don't care what the religion or excuse is, but you don't treat family like that.

My personal opinion.

Emott13 · July 2015

@SummerFall03 Haha yeah, like I said, she handled it quite poorly. Definitely would not have been my word choice. I could TOTALLY see my 80-something-year old grandmother saying that to me in passing, though, and not thinking anything of it. And she's not even catholic haha

KaraEpp16 · July 2015

I, too understand where you're coming from. In my post, I said it was not tactful and it seems like you agree. Religion or not, kindness should be a grandmother's priority when it comes to a grandchild. What she said was very unkind and hurtful. Bringing a pregnant woman to tears because of HER beliefs.

Hopefully, she did just have to say her piece and will be supportive from now on. Judging by the rest of her family's "lack of interest" it seems to be the feeling across the board that she is going to hell for having a child out of wedlock. I guess it's a good thing her family won't be making the final decision in the afterlife because mortals judge more harshly than the Creator they believe in.

shelbell0116 · July 2015

I'm in the same boat. My family does not like my SO at ALL and they are doing everything they can to keep us apart. They make my life hell and do everything in their power to upset me, down to hurtful, petty Facebook posts. His mom takes great care of me and is now one of my best friends but it's putting a wedge between us because of how hateful my family is. Just about ready to run away!!

lattemom · July 2015

Maybe the hard times she was referring to was the fact you are a FT student AND work FT. Even I'm not sure where a baby would fit in that schedule. Also, how long have you been with your FI? It may have something to do with him. You mentioned you are young but he already has a child. It could be their lack of enthusiasm has nothing to do with the fact you are not married and other issues or concerns. To be honest, I see red flags reading your post.

Karenin · July 2015

I'm sorry people are letting their feelings about religion get in the way of giving you love and support. I was raised very religious but my family was more the type that believe that anything involving love and family is a GOOD thing to be celebrated and if someone is doing something you don't agree with it or think is negative, that's when you need to support them not judge them. It's sad your grandmother is taking a joyous event like a child coming into the world and marring it with her personal feelings on when sex is appropriate. Congratulations to you and your fiancé!

nanamp · July 2015

Maybe things will turn around when the baby gets here. They may continue to judge you, but maybe they will end up being excited about the LO and want to be a part of his/her life (even if just to keep him/her from going to hell, too

).

l4rk · July 2015

It is soooooooooooo hard to do this, but try to remember that religious people very strongly believe what they believe and they are loving you in their own twisted way. They want you to live in eternal bliss with them and are upset that they think you're not going to achieve that.

Now, in my universe, love and compassion trump all religious rules and I'm also having an adorable little bastard out of wedlock. So I'm with you, 100%. But realizing these people are hurting you because they love you, and not because they really want you to suffer, might help just a little bit? ....No? Well, that's all I've got in their defense...

You're in a really tough situation and I hope grandma can eventually accept you for who you are. If not, just focus on the people who can.

Love4littlethings24 · July 2015

This is sad to me because I feel like most older generations twist religion, I myself am religious and Christian. This baby is out of wedlock but was heavily prevented and Honestly I believe God has a plan. And by heavily prevented I was off birth control for a week in a half, one time, took a planned B pill and here he still is, and I couldn't be happier. I mean I was married and tried to conceive but three babies lost. I grew to accept I might not be a mom, and now, out of wedlock, with someone who truly loves me God let me be a mother. My grandmother was so loving and excited for us, so we're our parents. I think the sad part about religion is people use it to twist when really were (Christians) are meant to be here to love, not judge, not condem, but just love. That's the unfortunate reality that most don't and put a bad name out. I hope your family can come around and maybe you need some space and need to just be by your selves for awhile and let them process.

bella2210 · July 2015

My SO and I are not married but plan to at some point. I'm the first in my family to have a child out of wedlock. My sister won't speak to me, my mother made me cry she was so mean and we can't tell my grandmother because she would literally go crazy. Super southern, ultra-conservative family. That being said, most of my family had been wonderful, loving and supportive. My mom came around and apologized pretty quickly. My aunt was told I had a surprise for her, when she spoke to my dad. When she called to find out and she was super disappointed. She said some really horrible, thoughtless things but she is usually very sweet. People's beliefs can blind them. Some believe in unconditional love and others believe in acceptance only towards the "obedient". My SO's mother has been so horrible that he and I are in therapy to work through it. I expected much worse from my family so I'm not upset about the few people but I read this and wanted to share my experience so you didn't think you were alone. It takes courage to make an announcement this personal when we are so vulnerable to people who are likely to be hurtful. Best thing for me to remember is that my SO and I love each other and we love our child. We have nothing to be ashamed of and we have done nothing wrong. I have to remind myself of that sometimes when the people I care about pass painful judgement on me for it. Hope this is helpful and that your family comes around.

bella2210 · July 2015

My SO and I are not married but plan to at some point. I'm the first in my family to have a child out of wedlock. My sister won't speak to me, my mother made me cry she was so mean and we can't tell my grandmother because she would literally go crazy. Super southern, ultra-conservative family. That being said, most of my family had been wonderful, loving and supportive. My mom came around and apologized pretty quickly. My aunt was told I had a surprise for her, when she spoke to my dad. When she called to find out and she was super disappointed. She said some really horrible, thoughtless things but she is usually very sweet. People's beliefs can blind them. Some believe in unconditional love and others believe in acceptance only towards the "obedient". My SO's mother has been so horrible that he and I are in therapy to work through it. I expected much worse from my family so I'm not upset about the few people but I read this and wanted to share my experience so you didn't think you were alone. It takes courage to make an announcement this personal when we are so vulnerable to people who are likely to be hurtful. Best thing for me to remember is that my SO and I love each other and we love our child. We have nothing to be ashamed of and we have done nothing wrong. I have to remind myself of that sometimes when the people I care about pass painful judgement on me for it. Hope this is helpful and that your family comes around.

Beezmom2002 · July 2015

Honestly, thats just mean and hurtful. You're feelings are beyond justified. I can't say the same for theirs. What I have learned through this pregnancy (my daughter will be 13 when I give birth to this new baby, and I am divorced from her father and newly engaged to someone else) is that my happiness surrounds my NEW immediate family (my fiancee and my daughter and baby to be) and as long as they are happy then the hell with the anti well-wishers. Focus on the those that are happy for you and your new baby to be! You seem like you're off to a great start. Congrats! (Hope that helps)

dksport03 · July 2015

My sister just had a baby boy and her SO wants to get married but she doesn't (she went thru a terrible divorce). My parents have told her to focus on her little one right now (he's only 6 wks) and if/when the time is right they'll get married. They're both 72 yrs old they just want all of us to be happy and healthy.

People are stuck in their ways and cant see beyond their own beliefs. Stay focused and as positve as possible!!

kmcc14 · July 2015

This is a very difficult situation, and I'm sorry that you were hurt by your grandmother's words. As a Christian, I'm sure it is very difficult for her to see someone that she loves live in a way that is sinful according to her beliefs. However, Christians can't expect non-believers to hold to the same morals that they do. Hopefully she will come around and your relationship can be mended.

KaraEpp16 said:

I guess it's a good thing her family won't be making the final decision in the afterlife because mortals judge more harshly than the Creator they believe in.

Have to disagree there. God's tolerance for sin is zero, hence the need for Christ.

SummerOH · July 2015

Eh, I ignore evangelist types. They're pretty crazy. But that's hard to do when they're family, so I can understand why it is hurtful.

I had DD when I was a 17 year old college freshman goody two shoes. Her dad and I were together for several years before and after her birth, and they have a relationship today, too. I definitely got a lot of harsh comments from my older, super religious family members. It was hard. I have the wisdom now at 33 to tell you that you will be just fine, you'll achieve all you want to, and to hold your head high! I didn't do that and believed some of what they said, so it was a rough, emotional time for me for awhile. I'm very successful now and she is an amazingly kind, intelligent, funny, beautiful girl, so they're all pretty much eating crow. You just keep going forward and try to ignore them! Congrats!

Stobie2016 · July 2015

As an alternative to the 'screw them' approach:

It is always good to try and understand where the other side is coming from. I am not saying they have a right to shun you or be rude and mean, but more than likely they want what is best for you. In your grandmother's day, and maybe even your parents, expectations were different. To a lot of people, marriage is stability and support. I am sure they are hoping that for you. To them this may actually be a trying time- they are worried about you. You have admitted you are young. I can imagine wondering if my granddaughter will be provided for and if my daughter will get to experience all the things I want for her. I can see worrying that my daughter might drop out of school for example, because let's face it, while not impossible, being a new mom, working full time and going to school full time is going to be tough if you don't have commitment and support. Speaking of, they are likely doubting your SO's commitment- looking in from the outside, he already has a daughter with someone he is no longer with. That is probably tough for your family to swallow.

Every family/situation is different, but life is going to be a bit tougher for most of us after baby. So wonderfully worth it, but it isn't going to be all rainbows and butterflies.

Of course it depends on your relationship with your family, but try talking to them without your significant other there. Have a plan of what you see for your future, for your baby's future. Tell them you need their support emotionally. They may tell you your plan isn't realistic. They may tell you other negative things. But- try and work with them and expect their fears won't go away in a day.

I have had clashes with my parents in the past, while I wasn't always right or they weren't always right, both of us always had valid points. Your views may not be the same, but they likely have a lot of valuable life experience. What often stands in the way of coming together, is how we communicate. Concern coming out as anger for example.

Family is irreplaceable and if you have a good one, it's worth fighting for- for yourself and your child. Just an outside point of view...

Best of luck!

KaraEpp16 · July 2015

Then why do Christians pray for forgiveness? Why are there confessionals?

Always twisting things to fit your needs.

kmcc14 · July 2015

KaraEpp16 said:

Then why do Christians pray for forgiveness? Why are there confessionals?

Always twisting things to fit your needs.

I can take the questions, but there's no need for rude jabs regarding the faith of others. I disagreed with your earlier comment. I did not attack you personally.

KaraEpp16 · July 2015

kmcconnell22 said:

KaraEpp16 said:

Then why do Christians pray for forgiveness? Why are there confessionals?

Always twisting things to fit your needs.

I can take the questions, but there's no need for rude jabs regarding the faith of others. I disagreed with your earlier comment. I did not attack you personally.

You was a generalization of Christians. Not a personal attack.

kmcc14 · July 2015

KaraEpp16 said:

kmcconnell22 said:

KaraEpp16 said:

Then why do Christians pray for forgiveness? Why are there confessionals?

Always twisting things to fit your needs.

I can take the questions, but there's no need for rude jabs regarding the faith of others. I disagreed with your earlier comment. I did not attack you personally.

You was a generalization of Christians. Not a personal attack.

Either way, still a jab to those of that faith, which some might take personally.

KaraEpp16 · July 2015

It's a jab at the fact that the abundance of denominations that identify as Christian is solely because someone felt the need to twist scripture. You "personally" might be taking it as a jab but I see nothing wrong with calling out a group of people that twist things to match their ideal of God and their lifestyle. Also, I am not familiar with any Christians in my area that believe they can not pray for forgiveness of their sins. Why would you believe in a God that is unforgiving but you are meant to offer forgiveness to others that have sinned against you?

kmcc14 · July 2015

KaraEpp16 said:

It's a jab at the fact that the abundance of denominations that identify as Christian is solely because someone felt the need to twist scripture. You "personally" might be taking it as a jab but I see nothing wrong with calling out a group of people that twist things to match their ideal of God and their lifestyle. Also, I am not familiar with any Christians in my area that believe they can not pray for forgiveness of their sins. Why would you believe in a God that is unforgiving but you are meant to offer forgiveness to others that have sinned against you?

I don't believe in a God that is unforgiving. I disagreed with you regarding your statement that "mortals judge more harshly than the Creator they believe in."

KaraEpp16 · July 2015

kmcconnell22 said:

KaraEpp16 said:

It's a jab at the fact that the abundance of denominations that identify as Christian is solely because someone felt the need to twist scripture. You "personally" might be taking it as a jab but I see nothing wrong with calling out a group of people that twist things to match their ideal of God and their lifestyle. Also, I am not familiar with any Christians in my area that believe they can not pray for forgiveness of their sins. Why would you believe in a God that is unforgiving but you are meant to offer forgiveness to others that have sinned against you?

I don't believe in a God that is unforgiving. I disagreed with you regarding your statement that "mortals judge more harshly than the Creator they believe in."

So just to clarify, you believe God judges more harshly than mortals who hold grudges for decades? Less forgiving than mortals who do not accept apologies and live with hate and pain in their hearts instead? Edit to add: just checked back on your original post and you say you believe in a forgiving God but one that has no tolerance for sin? Why would God, with no tolerance for sin, give us his only son to die for our sins?

kmcc14 · July 2015

KaraEpp16 said:

So just to clarify, you believe God judges more harshly than mortals who hold grudges for decades? Less forgiving than mortals who do not accept apologies and live with hate and pain in their hearts instead? Edit to add: just checked back on your original post and you say you believe in a forgiving God but one that has no tolerance for sin? Why would God, with no tolerance for sin, give us his only son to die for our sins?

Judges more harshly? Absolutely. Less forgiving? Nowhere did I say that. You're blending two completely different things. God sent His son because He has no tolerance for sin. Blameless son had to die in order for redemption to be made available. Forgiveness was made available through Christ's death and resurrection.

SummerOH · July 2015

Eh, the Bible is a collection of stories written by men who had to write in code due to persecution. I don't believe most of it. Live a good life and you'll be fine. There are too many crazy rules that were made up by men. Virginity and sex out of wedlock were only a big deal back then because women were property and, more importantly, a man wanted to make sure his heirs were his own. Actually, a LOT of the things in the Bible trace back to social issues of the time. I 100% do not believe a woman will go to hell for having a child out of wedlock, yet someone can murder a guy, atone, and be welcomed to heaven. But I'm totally sidetracking and diverting the attention away from the OP's issue!

DianaL92 · July 2015

I went to Catholic school all my life, and honestly religion is exhausting. I believe in God, try to be a good person to those around me, and a law abiding citizen. That's all I can do. I've dealt with my fair share of judgmental religious people (including individuals in my family) and I've just decided to distance myself from it. I have no tolerance for people that try to bring negativity into my life. I have a hard time believing that having a child out of wedlock will send me to hell. Does it discredit all the awesome and amazing things I've done with my life so far? Hell to the no! I'll toot my own damn horn if no one will toot it for me lol.

BethP321 · July 2015

My side of the family still tells me that "God and I don't agree on you living with your boyfriend out of marriage, yet alone having a child." Guess my once a year visits are done. They are not worth the negativity and stress, they are your family, and hopefully they will be supportive eventually, but you are not obligated to have anything to do with them if you so choose.

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