Husband keeps going out

Re: Husband keeps going out

• BBaires member

  July 2015

  It's a tough transition time and feeling left out of the usual "fun" sucks. I'm guessing this must be your guys' first child too, otherwise he'd probably be home helping with the other little one. Not sure there's a right answer here, or if there's one I don't know what it is, but I think telling him honestly how you feel will go far. Have you expressed to him that you're kind of torn with his going out a few times a week? Maybe you can suggest alternatives to bars that you would want to attend too. 

  I think we often feel that speaking our mind will lead to a fight, but if you talk about how you feel when you're calm (not mad because he's about to head out for the #X time) it can be real positive. 

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• intheversa member

  July 2015

  I wouldn't say you're being selfish. Is this your first? It's mine and I'm kind of in the same boat or was. Only my DH's friends come over, make a huge mess, and then we have to clean up the next day. We had to limit it to one night a week because I wanted some more time with him.

  
  

  Have you tried talking to him about it? I get that he works all day and is doing stuff around the house to prepare for the baby, and so does my DH, but he should still make time for you. I also understand not wanting him to miss out on time with his friends, but you're also married. Part of being married is spending time together and doing things together. I would think that if say you're DH had a broken leg and was stuck at home all summer, you wouldn't leave him on the couch every night and go out, would you?  Would he be willing to go out somewhere that you could come along?  Or at least commit three nights a week to you and still make time for his friends.

  
  

  With my DH and I we finally worked it out that he could have his friends over one weeknight until the baby as long as we were doing good with getting the house ready. He usually spends one weekend night with them where they come over and I usually hang out as well. He also plays games online with them some nights if we're not doing anything. Usually after 9 and by then I'm just laying on the couch. 

  
  

  Hopefully you guys can find a good compromise.

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• leighann1 member

  July 2015

  I think your feelings are completely reasonable. Just be honest with him, and try not to bring it up in a moment when you are feeling particularly sad or angry, but when you can discuss it reasonably. Not that you aren't reasonable, but I know I have a tendency to get better results from discussion when I'm not in the height of emotions about it. 

  
  

  Are all the outings to a bar? Have you tried going with? I've found that it's not that bad to go and order a non-alcoholic beer, or my favorite, to ask the bartender for something delicious with no booze in it. I've been pleasantly surprised a few times. I also feel much more free to indulge in bar food than I would if I were drinking lots of beer or wine calories. My point being, even if it's different while pregnant, the same types of social situations could be fun in a different way. 

  
  

  Last suggestion - do you have a designated date night during the week? We try to have a "protected" time together where we know not to make plans with others. When it doesn't happen, I get really grumpy. Maybe express to him that you are feeling a little lonely and/or left out, and one or two date nights a week would be nice.

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• christina4436 member

  July 2015

  Totally valid feelings. I would be pissed. To me there is no reason to be out with friends more than once a week on their own for a break unless something special is going on or something. I like having dinner with the hubby most evenings and we usually end up working late one or two of the week days, and he has softball/bar time on weds with the guys so that really only leaves a couple nights of a relaxing together! We also have to little dogs that love him so I feel out family time is important and I think he does too. If it is more often than that it is pretty known that we are to consult eachother if we are making other plans to not hurt one another's feelings. If you don't have that mutual understanding or respect I would definitely talk about it. You don't want it happening down the road with kids.

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• mandy903 member

  July 2015

  You are completely reasonable feeling this way. I would be hurt more than anything. With a new baby coming that in itself will limit your time together and in some ways change your relationship. I think it's important to relish this time you have left as just two. When I was pregnant with my first my husband and I still went out together. Even in groups to bars. Not wild bars (wasn't trying to get crazy and bumped in the belly). But we went out on dates every weekend. Almost always went to Sunday matinees... He's a married family man now. You get out what you put into a marriage. I suggest you talk honestly with him how you feel. And be careful not to come down like a ball and chain. But that you miss him and feel the two of you should be spending more time together. And that you're hurt he doesn't want to. ..

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• CCasey2015 member

  July 2015

  I completely understand where you are coming from. I've been feeling the exact sameway about my DH going out. I do feel like as moms our life are put on hold for 40ish weeks or so while dads still get to live a normal life. Don't get me wrong I love my LO & will do whatever to make sure she is healthy but it does get a little lonely.

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• jessx3perez member

  July 2015

  You are totally not being selfish girl!!!! My advice to you is just to express your feelings to him, but just let him know your feeling a little lonely but also acknowledge the fact that he IS workig hard and helping you prepare for baby. Cause you don't want to make him feel like he's not doing something right. He's probably just scared, and feels like he has to hang with his friends now before he can't as much or really at all. I had to deal with this in the beginning of my pregnancy, it's mine and my mans first baby too and he was at the bar almost every night!!!! But I expressed my feelings and told him I was feeling lonely and he found a way to balance hanging out with me and also his friends. Communication is always best

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• babywuwuf member

  July 2015

  Just tell him what you honestly feel and try to meet halfway.
  
  

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• jenspeake member

  July 2015

  I agree with PP's.  Just have a discussion.  My DH probably goes out maybe one night a week without me.  There are times that I don't feel like being out with everyone drunk or hanging out in the bar but don't feel like DH should have to suffer with me ALL the time.  And that fact that once our son comes there will be no more hanging out with our friends at the bar for awhile or as much as we use to.  I try to be understanding...to a point!  To me though multiple times a week is a little excessive and not telling me until a few minutes before would make me irritated.  What if I planned dinner?  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• JenLaur0525 member

  July 2015

  Thanks everyone, it's nice to know I'm not alone. This is our first baby and a HUGE transition. I'm going to try to talk to him today, he's not a planner and hates scheduling things so Idk if the date night thing will work but I like that idea. I've got to find a good way to get him to see my perspective.

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• amberrmariee20 member

  July 2015 edited July 2015

  This is our first baby together. I have a son from a previous relationship. But my boyfriend doesn't really go out much, and when he does I usually go, unless he's going to poker night. But he doesn't do bars he tells me "that's no place for a man with a girlfriend and a baby otw" we went to a few bomb fires, wedding receptions. It's nice to get out, even though I don't like staying all night ! You should talk about you going out more with him !!

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• stephiesheldork member

  July 2015

  Mine is the same way. Only, I'm the one who does things around the house... Like actually all of the house work.. But anyway I asked him if he'd mind staying home a little more instead of going to bars and parties with his friends because I was feeling pretty lonely. BEWARE. His buddies now come over HERE and drink in my livingroom at least 1-2 times a week. And guess who cleans up the mess when he's passed out the next morning? This girl.

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• Sballerina member

  July 2015

  Previous posters made some good points. I would definitely start off the conversation by acknowledging he works hard and thankI g him sincerely for all he has done/continues to do to prepare for baby. Men stand a little taller in their shoes when they get recognized and appreciated! (Takes the edge off of whatever hard to hear thing we might say next, lol.) Then maybe transition into stating what you want to happen, in the positive - spend time enjoying your twosome before it us dramatically changed by the addition of your newborn. That you want to invest in the continued health of the relationship by spending time together now. Don't present so much as "I want you to cut back on this" as much as saying "Can you do this for me, for us?" My hubby tends to react poorly if he feels I want to "take" something from him. Works better when I can come at it from another angle!
  
  He genuinely may be scared of becoming a dad and going out to cope. It seems pregnancy can be hard for our menfolk because from their perspective, we get all wrapped up in preparing for something that is still months away from arriving! My husband is also, like yours, not a planner. So there is an emotional gap between us in preparing for our little guy. He may be having a hard time with emotions about becoming a dad, and not all guys are good at talking it out. Many just turn to a "nothing box" - a place of mental retreat while they DO something else to distract.

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• intheversa member

  July 2015

  @stephiesheldork We have similar lives it seems. Right now I'm putting off going downstairs to clean the whiskey and alcohol spills off my granite counter tops from his party over the weekend while I was out of town. The good news is that for me, no more friends over in September and on. Mostly because I'm trying so hard to get this house clean for the baby and they pretty much trash it every time they're over. I suggest you make the same rule. 

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• intheversa member

  July 2015

  So I just scrubbed glue off the granite counter tops. I don't have kids yet but my DH'S friends sure give me a good idea of what it will be like.
  
  I hope you and your husband find a way to compromise.

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