Hand me downs from the ex? Stubborn brat or rational?

KFrob · July 2015

So my fiancé has brought up a few times us using some baby things from his first child with his ex wife. The specific items mentioned so far were clothing and a swing. He sees this as a practical way for us to save money and sees the items as his child's. I can't get past the fact that these things were purchased for him and his ex wife and want nothing to do with them. This is my pregnancy, I'm having at least one baby shower, I want to pick out items and make decisions for our baby and not have the association of that item being purchased for his ex wife's baby shower. Now mind you, I'm trying to tell him there is no way in hell his ex is going to be okay with giving up her baby's stuff! Every time this subject is brought up I feel the anxiety and defensiveness build in my gut. The last time, to end the conversation without it turning into a fight, I compromised with "we'll see what's left that we need after people buy us gifts" but in my mind I'm being a stubborn brat and I'd rather my child have no swing then one from his previous marriage! Please tell me that I am not crazy!!

sarah92544 · July 2015

I would definitely feel the same way seeing its just clothes and a swing (which you can find at reasonable prices). I have two kids from a previous marriage (DD is 11 and DS is 7) i only have two thing left a cradle my papa made before he died and a john dear rocking tracker like a rocking horse that my uncle made. My DH is excited to sand them down and get them ready for our LO bit if they weren't sentimental things i dont think he would like is using them. So tell you SO how you feel about it and go from there. Oh and talk very camly try not to start an argument lol.

Kelley421 · July 2015

If they are already at your home and the two of you used them for this child, okay, sure.
If not- no way! I agree she probably won't give them up. You could appease the situation without arguing for now. Perhaps say- "well if we don't have these things given to us, we can check into it then."

KaraEpp16 · July 2015

This is my first child and I do not care if I seem ungrateful to anyone else - I do not care if people think that I'm not being financially conscious. I do NOT want your hand me downs!

A swing is one thing - I was offered a swing by a coworker, it's gender neutral and will be at my parents house. Other than that, the first year I would like to have all new clothing and furniture for their sibling to have - as hand me downs(you know, the stuff I know about? The stuff I cared for?). 1 year + bring on the hand me downs because they grow like weeds.

Edit: Full and complete sentences are best.

Paige6410 · July 2015

Yeah, this wouldn't fly with me.

aphilli8 · July 2015

I can see where you're both coming from. This is just your husbands children's stuff to him, not his ex'a stuff.

This is why I could never be with somebody that has children with another person. Stuff like this comes up all the time and it's not easy.

arose3eb · July 2015

I think you said the right thing with "let's see what else we need after all is said and done". I would probably buy that stuff on the sly too and then claim they were gifts if he asked. I also don't think his ex wife would give them up, and I think that unless she offers, asking her for the stuff is putting her in an uncomfortable position.

sarah92544 · July 2015

arose3eb said:
I think you said the right thing with "let's see what else we need after all is said and done". I would probably buy that stuff on the sly too and then claim they were gifts if he asked. I also don't think his ex wife would give them up, and I think that unless she offers, asking her for the stuff is putting her in an uncomfortable position.

I agree i would die before going to any ones ex and ask for baby stuff. Its just a little tacky.

KaraEpp16 · July 2015

@arose3eb I like the way you think

hahaha sly "presents".

KFrob · July 2015

I'm in agreement about her offering vs asking and liking this sly idea!

steph_pegasus · July 2015

No, I wouldn't want the ex's stuff either.
Especially wouldn't count on them on your H's assumption that she will be willing to share. If she offered them that's an entirely different matter, but just assuming that she will give them to you for your baby, no. That's a tw move.

mego14 · July 2015

I would not be okay with this! I think you handled it well by saying you guys can re-evaluate after you get presents and see what you still need (but I would still find a way to NOT take the hand me downs no matter what- even if you don't receive those things as gifts). Good luck!

MrsB915 · July 2015

I wouldnt want things from his exwife either, i dont blame you. Maybe you could keep 1 or 2 sentimental outfits that you have pictures of your fiancé's first child in. Take pics with your lo in the outfit and not have them wear it again. It would mean something to your fiance that both of his kids wore the same thing. We have pictures of my son in some of his father's outfits from when he was a baby, it's cute.

As to hand me down in general, I say bring them on! As you said, kids grow like weeds and this is your first child. I'm sure family and friends will give you gifts of baby clothes and there will be adorable things that you can't resist buying. But please be realistic. My son went through several changes of clothes a day, and still does as an active toddler. We used the plain hand me downs when we were home and now when he is outside getting dirty and he wears clothes that are nicer, things we chose or were given as gifts when we are going out. There's nothing worse than a poop explosion in your favorite outfit!

sherks11 · July 2015

I guess I will be be minority here and say I don't think it would bother me. You're going to need a lot of stuff for baby and I don't think a few outfits and a swing would bug me too much (both of which you won't use very long). You will have a ton of new stuff that will outway the few things you borrowed. I was very adamit about getting new stuff in the beginning, but then I found out how quickly they grow out of things and didn't mind the hand me downs.

With that being said, it doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with the ex. If you did, I don't think you would be so bothered by this. If it makes you uncomfortable though, just don't do it.

KFrob · July 2015

No, the relationship with the ex is not good! I'm hoping one day that it will be. I want nothing more than to be friendly with her and I'm sure my opinion on this subject would be different if that were the case and she were to offer. And also I'm not opposed to hand me downs at all! We've already been to a baby consignment store to check out stuff and plan on taking his sisters jogging stroller and hand me down clothes. This is simply having an issue with stuff bought for him and his ex.

KFrob · July 2015

You ladies are giving me great ideas and other perspectives on this and it is much appreciated!!!!

Beverly0628 · July 2015

Yeah, this would definitely not be ok with me. You are not being crazy. Your DH is probably just having man brain and not realizing the emotional implications, for you, of having these items in your home. He is probably just trying to be practical, but, is it worth the savings in money if you are going to feel strangely about looking at these items daily? Nope nope nope. I think that you are right to say, "Wait and see what we need after the shower." You may get the items in question, and it may end up being a moot issue. If there are specific things that he wants to use from his previous relationship/ child, maybe casually mention those items to a close friend or trusted family member, on the DL, (mom or sister that has your back?) as items that you would really like to receive at your shower. I don't think that there is anything wrong with doing this. That way, you may end up with those items new for your child, and won't need to take them from the ex.

Sully314 · July 2015

I think you are handling it right. My husband has two kids from a previous marriage and I would never take clothes. Too personal in my opinion. And I think you're right about the ex not wanting to give up the stuff. Would you give your baby stuff to the new woman? If it's just clothes and a swing, that's really not worth the hassle. Hopefully your fiance will see that these things can be very touchy on both sides and it's better to not rock the already complicated boat.

Good luck!

Sully314 · July 2015

Oh I hear you, sister! It seams that you and I have the exact same feelings on the ex. But I'm afraid after 8 years and no change in her hatred for me, I'm losing hope it will ever get better. It is a very common sad reality. Ex wives have a tough time seeing a new woman come in the picture. She hates everything you represent. You are a reminder of her failures and that stings. I have a soft heart for my husband's ex and really work hard at always seeing that her hurtful actions towards me is just a reflection of the pain she is feeling inside. I hope and pray it gets better one day, but I can't hold my breath any longer.

Good luck! And if your hormones are raging at times like mine and you find it hard to keep a lid on it, I recommend you see someone (non-family or friend related) to just vent to. Perhaps a therapist even. Sometimes I find it helpful to just let it all out. Blended families are extremely rough and added hormones don't help!!!

Sovvy · July 2015

As long as it wasn't ugly, was fairly up-to-date, I would accept it all and weed thru what I didn't want. If I can save a couple dollars to spend elsewhere, I'm for it.

laxdixdar · July 2015

I have a child from a previous marriage and even if I did have items left I wouldn't use them. It's my husband's first child and I feel like it's a big deal and bonding experience to pick out the items for YOUR baby together.

But I'm strange. Luckily my son is nearly 8 and my daughter gets all her own baby stuff

l4rk · July 2015

I think you should let your husband ask her and then sit back for the show... I'm pretty sure she will lose her shit over his gall!

KFrob · July 2015

l4rk, best. response. ever.

DylansCandyBar · July 2015

l4rk said:
I think you should let your husband ask her and then sit back for the show... I'm pretty sure she will lose her shit over his gall!

100% this.

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