Vent: Unbelievably pissed at my DH!

nakoppel · July 2015

So the whole pregnancy my husband has been amazing/supportive/all good things. ESP recently since it's getting later on and I'm very tired/sore/emotional/done etc. Last night I hardly slept at all and was having bad BH. Well this morning he starts aggressively talking to me about the jump in our grocery budget, as I've posted before my BIL lives with us and since then our grocery bill has significantly gone up. Saying he simply just didn't understand how it could go up so much. I tried explaining to him the extra meat I had to buy, extra (different) cereal and snacks, things for lunches that I wouldn't normally buy. He basically came at me like he didn't believe it could possibly effect the end bill that much. I got angry and said if he didn't believe me then HE can do the grocery shopping. Which led him to get mad and say saying that wasn't productive (which is true). I told him i felt like he was blaming me. And that I saved the recepts and if he wanted to look at them he was welcome to. He then sighed and said "I want you to make him start applying for jobs TODAY. I don't care if he has references or not just do it today. You NEED to do that". He knows my BEST FRIEND from college is coming in today and staying here for the week(I haven't seen her in over a year). My BIL also makes an effort NOT to talk to me if my husband isn't home (I think I make him feel awkward, he is autistic) so I'm not sure how he thinks I'm suppose to do this. DH knows I'm already stressed out as this week marks the beginning of our out of town guests coming in, and that recently I REALLY don't feel well. I just feel like I'm getting blamed and getting 'talked too' for things that I realistically have no control over. As much as I realize when you marry someone you marry their family too, I kinda feel like working with his brother needs to be mostly his responsibility. Obviously he lives in my house he's my responsibility too but I have out of town guests to worry about, getting the house ready, I start school a week after my due date, and we recently found out due to military training he's going to be in and out the next six months. I can only handle so much being this pregnant!!!! I'm sorry for the vent ladies I'm just angry right now and I don't even know what to do about it. I want to help my BIL but I have so much other stuff going on.

emmacake08 · July 2015

It sounds like DH needs a dose of knowing as well what is unproductive in an argument. I would be so much more angry if DH shot down anything I said as unproductive while being completely unfair to me. I don't blame you for being mad and frustrated and I hope that it's just a moment of frustration that he can calm down from and actually talk to you like a grown up. Kudos for taking in BIL (I remember your post some time ago) and maybe it's time to talk again about how BIL is managed and the expectations since it's not a typical arrangement. Hope it was just a bad night and things are better.

nakoppel · July 2015

Thanks @emmacake08. We are texting about it right now and it's a little better of a conversation. I'm still mad because once he realizes I'm mad he likes to pretend I'm not mad and like he never did anything wrong because he hates when I'm mad at him. I would just appreciate it if he had a sit down with BIL and they worked together on his job etc.

JNOVA2015 · July 2015

Honestly, it just sounds like he is worried about money and had a little freak out fixating on two money related things (the groceries and BIL working). It's understandable to have some financial anxiety given your situation - becoming financially responsible for BIL right as you're having a baby can't be easy!! That doesn't excuse his behavior, but I'm sure he'll be more rational when he calms down, especially if this isn't like him.

If he is anxious about finances, it might be helpful to talk through that issue more comprehensively when he has calmed down. Do you have a monthly budget? If not, it might be a good idea to make one. That would be a good way to calm DH down if he can see that everything is balanced (or if it isn't you can use it as a platform to talk about where you can make cuts). I'm a big budgeter - it always makes me feel more in control of our finances! DH makes fun of my spreadsheets, but I know he likes knowing that we aren't worried about making ends meet each month

Good luck! I have a feeling this will all be fine when he calms down.

nakoppel · July 2015

@JNOVA2015 I texted to him the math of how much we spend per person on groceries and how the per person amount hasn't changed its just times 3 instead of 2. He agreed that was reasonable. I'm more irritated at this point that he is making BILs job search etc my responsibility when I have enough on my plate

JNOVA2015 · July 2015

I think it makes perfect sense to be irritated about that! I didn't mean to suggest that you aren't completely justified in being pissed at his behavior. I just meant that his outburst was probably rooted in the broader financial worries that are normal when you have a baby, and talking through those when he's calmed down might prevent any more annoying outbursts in the future. I'm glad he's calmed down about the groceries!

My DH is normally pretty even keeled, so when he rants about things that seem unfair or ridiculous to me, it's usually because something else is going on. It doesn't make it less annoying, but usually there isn't much point in arguing about whatever stupid thing he picked a fight about - it's more productive to wait until he calms down and talk about whatever triggered the bad mood in the first place. (And I'll be honest - sometimes the bad moon was triggered by something as trivial as him being hungry. Once he eats something he's back to normal!! )

nakoppel · July 2015

You're right. I know he's just stressed (like I am) about everything coming together in the right way. He's working basically three jobs right now in addition to trying to be a good husband, brother, and father to be. I know we both just need to relax and come at it calmly. I'm happy we are helping my BIL out but we honestly couldn't have picked a worse time to move him here.

nakoppel · July 2015

AND now I'm double pissed BIL stays up all night and sleeps in the day. When DH and I were fighting this morning (at 6:30am before he goes to work) BIL came down. DH asked why he hadn't slept, BIL responded to was too hot upstairs so he couldn't. Yeah I'm sorry it's hot but it doesn't help he runs his huge computer, tv, and Xbox all night long it heats up his room! Also I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant how do you think I feel. Well after some what making up with DH via text and showering I went to go start BILs job search with him. Went to his room hos computer, Xbox, tv, lights, and both fans are on but he's not in there. He's sleeping on the couch! I have an electric bill to pay turn your stuff off dude come on!!!!

cseley321 · July 2015

We were in a similar situation years ago with my husband's best friend, however I was not dealing with pregnancy at the time. I don't have a lot of good advice for you other than unfortunately you are just going to end up being the bad guy no matter what you do. These situations hardly ever end up with a happy ending ESPECIALLY if the person you are trying to help doesn't really do much to help themselves.

I wish all three of you the best of luck and try not to get too stressed out about it. This is a REALLY hard situation and I wish you the best.

nakoppel · July 2015

@Crystal321 my BIL does want to work and better himself. He just doesn't know how (some what due to his autism). But you are right it is a very hard situation and I do always feel like the bad guy :-/

cseley321 · July 2015

Well that's really good to hear that he's involved in the search. That will help you all 10 fold. Good luck!!!

irohspupil · July 2015

My brother will be 27 and is still living with my parents. He has Aspergers. Your situation sounds very similar to his, and I know how frustrating it can be.
My parents finally gave my brother an end date: he has to be out on his own by January 1st. He has found this helpful knowing that there absolutely is no alternative, so maybe y'all can try something similar. My brother's resume can land him just about any job interview, but he always leaves a bad impression with employers once he's face-to-face because he lacks interview skills. While you and your DH are helping him job search, make sure he knows how to dress for an interview (no old ratty jeans like my brother) and how to answer the questions that may come up.

I know it's frustrating, but I think you are doing a great thing for your family. Feel free to PM me anytime about my experiences with my brother<3

gabbymarriott · July 2015

The only realistic solution I see here is to punch DH. But I've also had a pretty frustrating day. Maybe you can find a nicer way than to punch him.

puccagirl77 · July 2015

If your BIL is autistic, it is likely that he would qualify for programs to help him find work. Jewish Community Services would be one place to start. If not, try you local Social Service office for referrals. That might take some of the pressure off of you.

CanDGrrl · July 2015

What we've always done in our marriage is this: When it pertains to my side of the family, it's my responsibility to talk to them about our desires/needs, and when its DH's side of the family, the responsibility falls on him. That seems to have helped us through the years. Of course, being able to say what needs to be said is a whole other topic! Good luck; I hope you enjoy the visit with your bestie!

nakoppel · July 2015

@micshi thank you for your first hand experience that is super helpful! I've talked to my DH about practicing interview questions with him etc. He agreed it's something we need to work on. I also mentioned we need to buy him new clothes. When he moved out of his mothers house and in with us (long story and also I wrote a different post on it) all he had was gym shorts and t-shirts. @gabbymarriott HA!!!! Luckily DH came home sweet as pie yesterday and when I woke up this morning (he had to leave at 5am so I didn't get up with him like I normally do) he had laid out my coffee and emptied the dishwasher so punching was not necessary @puccagirl77: we have resources on our military base I've been in touch with. But thank you for the additional ideas

@CanDgurl: That is exactly how I feel about it but I think DH feels (and to a certain extent I understand this) is that since I'm home most of the time and he's not im better able to help BIL during normal business hours. Thank you all for your awesome advice!!!! DH and I made up through text while he was at work yesterday. I've expressed that if he wants me to help with BILs job search that's fine but that I can't help him if he sleeps all day.... My DH came home and was very sweet which of course made me melt like an ice cube. Also my best friend from Uni is here so of course that brightens my mood too ^_^

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