I just don't understand

mjones0721 · July 2015

None of the women in my family breastfed their kids and I didn't either with my first. I don't really know why, it's just not the norm for my family I guess. That being said I regretted not breastfeeding my first and have decided that I definitely am going to with this LO. What I don't understand is that everyone in my family can't believe I'm going to and basically make me feel like they are bashing me for it. I keep getting comments like "omg I can't BELIEVE that you're going to breastfeed" "why would you want to?" "Oh you're too modest so you won't be able to do it" "we'll see how long THAT lasts" along with a lot of side eyeing and disgusted looks and just flat out laughing at me for it. I just don't understand why anyone would think it's a bad thing. I mean I've heard people get bashed for NOT BFing but never for doing it. Yes I am modest and I know I won't be comfortable with anyone seeing my breasts but that's why I've bought a nursing cover. It's also why I've chosen to put in my birth plan that I want to have the "golden hour" after delivery before anyone is allowed in to see baby so that I can have skin to skin and no one to witness my first attempts at BF (which I'm also getting shit about because it's "not fair" for me to make them wait that long) Sorry this basically just turned into a long winded rant. I just feel so unsupported, my DH is the ONLY person that agrees with my decision. I've decided that I'm going to take their negativity and use it as motivation tho, I do hate it when people tell me I can't do something so I'll just have to prove them wrong.

archetypeblonde · July 2015

I'm sorry your family is unsupportive of your totally natural and wonderful way you've decided to feed your baby. I can't believe anyone would try to discourage you! Modesty has nothing to do with breastfeeding!?? :-?

Baby2HG · July 2015

Breastfeeding is natural. Its unfortunate that your family is looking down on you when they shouldn't. Its your baby and you can do what ever you want. I think its great that youre going to BF.

ariannashuler · July 2015

I've had a similar experience with my cousin (who is like a sister to me) being extremely negative about the fact that I will be breastfeeding. It's so frustrating! She goes on and on to me constantly about how she didn't feed her DD and she is perfectly fine and how hard breastfeeding is going to be for me. She actually has sent me links to articles about BFing that are negative, one was about how "it can make you gain weight". She also bashes our other cousin who is currently BFing her 9 month old. I just don't get it.

drummondst · July 2015

How very bizarre! Have you asked them why they are so anti breastfeeding? I've had breast surgery before and am desperately hoping I can even give my baby some colostrum. It's amazing to hear your family's perspective on this...! Stick to your guns and do what is right for you!

SassetteSmurfling · July 2015

No one in my family breast fed either. I feel like for the most part they were just uneducated about it. They weren't against it but they thought it was weird.

I never nurses in front of them with my first because it felt awkward. With my second I completely stopped caring what ANYONE thought and nursed anywhere I damn well felt like it.

Since then, 2 of my cousins decided to try nursing their babies. I feel like I kind of opened the door for it in our family. Hopefully once you do it they will begin to accept it. As long as you know you're making the right decision for you and LO, try not to worry about what they think.

talisha1992 · July 2015

I've also asked for that golden hour and others have told me how selfish it is. However this is the first time we get to meet our babies and I don't want anyone else telling me how to breast feed my son except the professionals reason being I know mum/aunts/cousins all will know the best way and don't want to upset anyone by at least trying the way my midwife suggests. When it comes to breast feeding in front of family I've already let them know (the squeamish ones) that if it makes them feel uncomfortable then unfortunately they won't see baby much as he will be requiring it a lot and i simply don't have the time to go and hide away just because they don't want to see it. Have a look online for breast feeding support groups aswell

good luck x

johannaspisak · July 2015

So sorry you're not getting the added support from your family. At least DH is on board. I couldn't breastfeed my oldest (he had breastmilk jaundice) but fortunately was able to with the second. I plan on it with DD as well.

JNOVA2015 · July 2015

I'm sorry that your family isn't being supportive. I think it's great that you're trying to BF with this LO - stick to your guns!

I wonder whether the hostility is because they are realizing that there is a lot of scientific evidence about the benefits of breastfeeding, and they feel guilty abut not having done it. If it's really hard for you and you give up, they can feel better about that decision because BF'ing is hard and they can tell themselves it wouldn't have worked anyway. I would guess that their attitudes have more to do with them than with you. Just ignore them and do what you think is best - that's all you can do!

As for the golden hour being "selfish," that's ridiculous. I wouldn't want to see anyone an hour after giving birth regardless of whether I was BF'ing. It sounds like your family with be vocal about judging your parenting decisions no matter what, so might as well get used to ignoring them now!

SashaDenn25 · July 2015

On the bright side, one of the most important people is supportive and thats DH! He is going to be around waaay more than any of the other people so forget them. Plus, we already have plenty of mommas breasfeeding and pumping for LO's so youll have people going through the same thing as you and will have plenty more!

emmacake08 · July 2015

I've read up a lot on the cultural changes that happened when formula started to gain ground in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. I had older women in my church tell me that their doctors gave them medicine after they delivered to stop their BM from coming in because formula was taught to be superior way back in the day. Since and during that time, so many families stopped BF and culturally it did become taboo to some people. The fact that it's also difficult doesn't help either because people who didn't BF wonder why you'd go through so much. I agree with @SassetteSmurfling that you should just do it and wait and see. Exposing your family to BF could be beneficial in the end, could also not be.

To a certain extent, you have to experience BF to get it I think sometimes. I always wanted to BF but was worried it would be and feel weird to have a baby on my breast. It wasn't until I did, that I realized those feelings were just from not having experienced it and it never felt weird, just natural.

Also, make sure you get support from somewhere while BF. My cousin in law wanted to BF but no one in her family did so once she started having some problems (latching and a borderline supply issue) she wasn't encouraged or told where to get help (besides me in emails) and she quit. I wished she could have had the help to keep going and felt bad.

Good luck and I commend you for trying and being open to BF!

malonc2 · July 2015

I completely understand. My family is the same way as far as breastfeeding and the hour goes. I try not to listen to comments like "it's just so demanding on you" and "I tried but I couldn't do it." I can't wait to prove them wrong!

PixelPosy · July 2015

I love that attitude OP that you'll take their negativity as motivation to make breastfeeding work for you. Really all you can do is try to educate them and explain that you are doing what you feel is best for your family. There are so many benefits for baby and mom to breastfeed. You will hopefully find lots of support here on the boards as well. I know I did with my first.

schup156 · July 2015

So sorry to hear that your family is being so negative about your decision. Luckily your husband is supportive! My mother had a similar reaction at first when I mentioned that I was going , to breastfeed with my first. She didn't breastfeed any of us, which I'm actually coming to find was more of the norm during that time. After baby was born and I was breastfeeding, she was super supportive. I think part of it was that she felt guilty she never breastfed. Don't let their negativity sway you from your decision, it's your choice on how you plan to feed your baby whether that be formula or breastfeeding!

Wering · July 2015

Luckily I had a very supportive family when it came to nursing my daughter. And it's a good thing, because I turned mama-bear ferocious over making sure that it worked for us. You need to take solace in the fact that you are doing what's right for you, your LO, and your family. Try to find friends or family members who DID nurse to provide support, and when you're struggling, don't explain it to your family. They will use that as an opportunity to push you to formula feed instead. Here are a few tips for you from a mama who nursed 18 months

Sarah’s tips for nursing:

Make sure you pump EVERY time the baby takes a bottle. As soon as possible. Don’t let your supply drop.
Speaking of pumping, they say not to pump before 4 weeks because your supply is being established. I made this mistake, and am now having to pump 2 times for every bottle LO consumes. Pump a little each day while your supply is establishing. Better to have too much than too little! It will diminish over time.
Pumping is WAY easier in the morning. I get 2 to 3 times as much in the morning as I do later in the day. (I start my day by pumping at 5 AM every day.)
Pumping is also easier if you put a baby on one side and the pump on the other.
The baby is going to cluster feed, and you are going to think something is horribly wrong with the baby. They will eat, poop, eat, poop, eat, poop every 15 minutes for five hours. You’ll call the hospital in a panic. They’ve heard it before (we called!). It’s cluster feeding.
You will be a human pacifier for the first three months. That’s normal. Know that you are doing the best thing for your babies, and know that the dusting and cooking can wait. Babies are only babies for so long. Enjoy the nursing.
Keep an eye on the foods you consume compared to the baby’s behavior. Babies have sensitivities to milk, soy, spicy food, caffeine, cruciferous veggies, etc. Learn the foods your baby dislikes and stop eating them for the time being.
In public, use a blanket, not a fancy cover. It’s less noticeable, easier to manage, and doubles to keep your child warm.
Speaking of “in public” – know your rights. You can breastfeed anywhere that you are otherwise legally allowed (in the state of Ohio - check the laws in your own state). Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t. Your baby’s needs come first. Lots of times, people don’t even notice that you’re doing it.
Recognize that supplementation isn’t the enemy. If your freezer supply is low, pump a feeding to freeze while you feed your baby a bottle. Some babies reject formula if they haven’t had it before 5 months. If your supply dries up and they need formula, it’ll be a tough battle if they haven’t had it occasionally. (Just make sure you pump for every bottle they get!)
You’re going to have periods of time where you wonder if you can keep going. The baby feeds constantly, you’re not pumping enough (so you’re pumping all the time), you’re sleep-deprived… It’s all for a short period of time and you CAN do it. Just power through.
Drink plenty of water. Being dehydrated is the leading cause of low production (or so I have experienced).
Continue to take your prenatal vitamin. The baby needs the nutrients.
Ways to increase your supply include taking a hot shower, pumping “dry,” herbs like fenugreek and blessed thistle, and foods like oatmeal.

GOOD LUCK!

hclzmm14 · July 2015

Why would the golden hour be selfish? I'm going to ask for 8 hours with my baby and see how that goes over (of course this is only if there are no medical issues). I let the nurses take DD after a little less than an hour and it felt terrible and I think it affected my milk coming in a little.

Don't let anyone else tell you what's "natural" or best for baby that isn't you, DH, or your pediatrician. Follow your instincts and if BFing is what is best for you guys, go for it.

GirlOnTheBeach · July 2015

emmacake08 said:
I've read up a lot on the cultural changes that happened when formula started to gain ground in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. I had older women in my church tell me that their doctors gave them medicine after they delivered to stop their BM from coming in because formula was taught to be superior way back in the day. Since and during that time, so many families stopped BF and culturally it did become taboo to some people.

This! My mom recently told me that everyone had told her not to breastfeed, that it was dangerous and that formula was much safer. Once she had me, the older nurse immediately set me on her chest and got me to breastfeed but my mom was still uneasy about it because of everyone telling her that I could get sick from unhealthy breast milk. She ended up formula feeding me after just a couple weeks. Now she thinks it's great that I want to take the "granola route" (breast feeding, cloth diapering, etc). But it doesn't surprise me that others from her generation have concerns.

Miz_Liz · July 2015

First, I think you should be proud of yourself for ignoring their ignorant views (because that is what they are) and making your own decision that is best for you and for your baby. Second, if I were you I would simply lay it down with them that this is how it is going to be and it is your decision, not theirs and they need to respect that. I don't understand what their logic is (beyond saying you are too modest, which as PP stated has nothing to do with it, I am modest too and just cover up or go somewhere private). Not only is there a lot of scientific research showing it is best for the baby and it is completely natural, but hello $$$ savings!! I am sure I don't have to tell you since you formula fed your last that formula gets insanely expensive!! The one thing I will say is mentally prepare yourself - BF'ing is VERY hard in the beginning and painful at first while your nipples toughen up, but it DOES get easier and the pain goes away. I seriously wish more people would be honest with first time BF'ers about this so they don't feel like they are doing something wrong. So when it seems tough in the beginning, don't give up!! You can do this!!

cseley321 · July 2015

Yeah my mom asked me what I planned to do and when I told her I planned to try and BF she just had negative things to say. Basically I'm just not going to bring it up again because it's not really any of her business.

irohspupil · July 2015

I think PP have said a lot of good things regarding your decision to breastfeed.

As far as the "golden hour," this is what my DH and I plan on doing:
We've told everyone that once my baby is born, DH will snap a couple pictures of her and go out to the waiting room to announce her arrival while showing off the pictures. Then family have the option to either go out and eat to celebrate or continue waiting in the waiting room for the next two to three hours while I'm waiting to be moved to my recovery room. That gives my DH, me, and our little girl time to bond as a new family before our families start demanding their turns.
Family started to voice complaints about our plan, but we told them that it was hospital policy that only DH could be with me until we were moved to the recovery room. It's not necessarily true, but it's working out for us

.
Good luck!

jessandandy09 · July 2015

Kuddos on your choice to BF. While it can be hard at first, it starts to feel wonderful and releases good hormones in your brain (and babies) after a while. It shrinks your uterus faster and helps with reducing your risk of certain cancers. AND my FAVORITE part!!!! NO sterilizing stupid bottles or running out of formula or warming stuff up in the middle of the night. You just grab your hungry loved one and go at it :-)

as for the golden hour. Please take this time to enjoy your baby and relax. Anyone and everyone should support mom in this. You JUST GAVE BIRTH!!! They will still love your baby and get to see them as a newborn whether they wait 8 hours or cut the cord. Take your time and enjoy the golden hour, regardless of what your support system is saying.

deviduke412 · July 2015

I'm in the same boat. No1 in my family has ever breast fed. I will be the first. Luckily everyone I know of on my husband's side has and all of my close friends do so I have tons of support there. I honestly think it's Bc my family is uneducated about the benefits. Unfortunately, our culture has twisted BF, along with other things, to be viewed as vulgar or innaproprote. My advice would be to not lash back out of anger but simply express your view and desires and leave it at that. As said, you have the support of your DH, which is the biggest support you will need. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I had a "blow up" with my step dad about me planning to BF in public that didn't go well at all.

ann_jeremiah · July 2015

I come from a family that didn't breast feed at all.. And it made them uncomfortable, but you know what... It was my chance to change the path and set a different example for my own kids. It's not about anyone else, but the little family I am creating!

mjones0721 · July 2015

Thank you all so much for the advice and support! I found a mom's group in my area that supports breastfeeding so I might look into that too. I know it will be hard at first but I know it is best for my baby and myself and that's the important part.

BooHeaney · July 2015

I also had a pretty unsupportive family/group of friends while bfing my daughter. My best advice would really be to try to avoid taking breastfeeding "advice" from anyone who hasn't done it. I've never formula fed a baby, but I get the impression that it's pretty different. I remember having a week old baby and my MIL telling me I was starving her because she was cluster feeding in the evening (totally a normal thing, but that early on I didnt know that!), I sat in the nursery and cried because I was so afraid she was right. It's tough, so find a good bfing group! Despite the lack of support, I made it until her 1st birthday, so I have total faith you can do it!

lifesabeach85 · July 2015

I recently heard someone say "when people criticize your choices, it usually means they are insecure about their own."

You have hundreds of women here who support you and you will find lots in your community too!

Bickey11 · July 2015

Oddly my hubby was surprised that I intended to breastfeed as his crackhead ex never considered it with their daughter. His first comment was "its going to ruin your boobs" I then countered with, "I breastfed with my son and you seemed to like them just fine". And then he said, "Isn't that going to be hard to keep up with" and i countered with a picture of Costco's current price on baby formula and he promptly shut up. I know its hard, i did it until i went back to work at 5 months with my son. It sucked, but every time I bought a can of formula i longed for my engorged breasts.

And your family is not totally wrong you MAY give up immediately. I know I almost did and I know about half of my friends also quit citing one excuse or another fairly quickly. Its amazing how many women get mastitis these days. I know some of them were full of it, but I didn't judge because it IS hard, and ultimately, a well rested mama who isn't completely miserable and in pain that is bottle feeding formula is going to be a better mama than a miserable breastfeeding mama.

Good luck, and don't forget YOU are the MOM of YOUR baby. Its YOUR CHOICES that matter, not others opinions.

emshredder · July 2015

My MIL is very concerned about when I'll be able to drink alcohol if I'm breastfeeding... I'm glad that's her number one concern because its not even on my radar. My SOs family is big drinkers.

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