Community› The Bump Month Clubs› November 2015 Moms
November 2015 Moms
New Discussion

Shower etiquette

JStill0603JStill0603 member
edited July 2015 in November 2015 Moms
I don't think this question has been asked...

My sister offered to throw me a baby shower and told me to give her a list of people to invite. My question is, do I include people on DH's side of the family? He has two step sisters and a SIL, and two neice's whose baby showers I either attended or sent gifts to in my absence as I was working. I don't want my sister to have to pay for extra food for them, as I don't really feel that's her responsibility... I'm not sure what to do. Also, this is DH's second child, and my first. His mother threw a shower for his ex-girlfriend (they were never married and she also has sisters who idk if they threw her a separate shower or not). They broke up 5 months after SS was born. She kept everything but now we have custody of SS and nothing really left to hand down to this baby from him. DH mentioned he expected his mother to throw me a baby shower, but she, herself, hasn't mentioned anything to me. What should I do about the invite list???
Report Reply to Post

Re: Shower etiquette

  • RaisingJulianRaisingJulian member
    edited July 2015
    Idk about the etiquette for this particular question but I know personally with my shower for my first I wanted both sides of my sons family to be there. As I feel that he has one family not two or even three since my parents are divorced. My mom was perfectly fine with that (she threw my shower) & invited them also. Granted they never showed but that's what we did
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • MargaretC5MargaretC5 member
    I would ask your sister if she is ok with you inviting them. If she it, then have DH mention it to his mom in a casual conversation so if she did want to throw you a shower she can say something before the invites go out. If your sister is not ok with it problem solved.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
    Report Reply
  • FalchasFalchas member
    I would ask your husband to casually mention something to his mom about whether or not she would like to plan something herself (somehow emphasizing in the conversation that is not expected, just out of curiosity).  At the same time, I would ask your sister how many people she feels comfortable hosting.  Going from there will give you a good idea of what names to give her.  If your husbands side is not planning anything and the shower will be close to where they live, I think it would be natural to include them if your sister is able to accommodate.
    Report Reply
  • smnewbysmnewby member
    MargaretC5 said:

    I would ask your sister if she is ok with you inviting them. If she it, then have DH mention it to his mom in a casual conversation so if she did want to throw you a shower she can say something before the invites go out. If your sister is not ok with it problem solved.

    I second this.
    Report Reply
  • JStill0603JStill0603 member
    She was not okay with inviting them to the wedding shower because of the extra cost incurred by her for food/drinks/games etc. If it were up to me, we would do a co-ed bbq type thing, but I don't want to seem ungrateful or tell her what to do and it appears she would like to throw a more traditional shower. So I'm a littl afraid to ask her if I can invite them based on the past...
    Report Reply
  • wassuphoeswassuphoes member
    JStill0603 said:
    She was not okay with inviting them to the wedding shower because of the extra cost incurred by her for food/drinks/games etc. If it were up to me, we would do a co-ed bbq type thing, but I don't want to seem ungrateful or tell her what to do and it appears she would like to throw a more traditional shower. So I'm a littl afraid to ask her if I can invite them based on the past...
    Your sister gets to decide how many people she can host. If  the guest list is under her limit, you of course may ask to invite members or your DH's family. If you are at or over the limit, then you need to either cut your guest list to make room, or just not invite them. It's not uncommon for showers to be for one side of the family. 
    Report Reply
  • dramaphiledramaphile member
    Maybe you can invite his family to a sip n see after the baby is born? You can schedule it a month after your due date to make sure you will be settled in with baby. Then you can have all of them over to see the baby and be in on the celebration.
    Report Reply
  • DylansCandyBarDylansCandyBar member
    edited July 2015
    kristenm88 said:

    To OP, I understand why you might be afraid to ask her but this is also your DH baby and his family has every right to be included if you want them to be. If you don't include DH family you may end up upsetting quite a few of them. Also if your sister offered to throw the shower she should be prepared for these expenses. Maybe your sister could ask dh mother or sisters if they would like to help with the shower and split the cost. If they don't want to help or can't afford to help then instead of inviting all of DH family you can just invite your mil and Sil's.

    Or you want to try and please everyone tell your sister you don't want anyone to feel left out and would like to do a co-Ed bbq and you could always help with some of the costs such as food/drinks. This ways it's a win-win, your family and friends are there as well as DH family and it helps your sister with the costs.

    @kristenm88 Out of curiosity, what gives them the right to be there? No. Just no. Nobody has a right to be a guest at someone else's event. Also it would be extremely rude for OP to offer to contribute to pay for more guests. Or tell her sister what kind of party to throw. Sigh.
    Report Reply
  • kristenm88kristenm88 member
    DylansCandyBar said:

    kristenm88 said:

    To OP, I understand why you might be afraid to ask her but this is also your DH baby and his family has every right to be included if you want them to be. If you don't include DH family you may end up upsetting quite a few of them. Also if your sister offered to throw the shower she should be prepared for these expenses. Maybe your sister could ask dh mother or sisters if they would like to help with the shower and split the cost. If they don't want to help or can't afford to help then instead of inviting all of DH family you can just invite your mil and Sil's.

    Or you want to try and please everyone tell your sister you don't want anyone to feel left out and would like to do a co-Ed bbq and you could always help with some of the costs such as food/drinks. This ways it's a win-win, your family and friends are there as well as DH family and it helps your sister with the costs.

    @kristenm88 Out of curiosity, what gives them the right to be there? No. Just no. Nobody has a right to be a guest at someone else's event. Also it would be extremely rude for OP to offer to contribute to pay for more guests. Or tell her sister what kind of party to throw. Sigh.

    @DylansCandyBar You don't think the grandmother or aunts of this baby should be invited to the baby shower? Smh. Obviously family is something that is not important to you. Every shower I have ever been to has included both sets of parents to be's family, not sure why you wouldn't include your spouses family unless you were not on speaking terms.

    Also, did I say that she should demand to her sister to do exactly what kind of shower she wanted? No. I suggested a compromise since op stated she didn't want her sister to have to pay for more food, which is also why I suggested having op sister talk to the mil and see if she would like to be included and can split the costs. I'm sure Op doesn't want to upset anyone by not inviting them but, if DH family is not invited it makes op look bad not the sister who is throwing shower. It is not fair op is made to look like the bad guy because op sister doesn't want invite/pay for the in laws of the mom to be.
    Report Reply
  • DylansCandyBarDylansCandyBar member
    kristenm88 said:

    DylansCandyBar said:

    kristenm88 said:

    To OP, I understand why you might be afraid to ask her but this is also your DH baby and his family has every right to be included if you want them to be. If you don't include DH family you may end up upsetting quite a few of them. Also if your sister offered to throw the shower she should be prepared for these expenses. Maybe your sister could ask dh mother or sisters if they would like to help with the shower and split the cost. If they don't want to help or can't afford to help then instead of inviting all of DH family you can just invite your mil and Sil's.

    Or you want to try and please everyone tell your sister you don't want anyone to feel left out and would like to do a co-Ed bbq and you could always help with some of the costs such as food/drinks. This ways it's a win-win, your family and friends are there as well as DH family and it helps your sister with the costs.

    @kristenm88 Out of curiosity, what gives them the right to be there? No. Just no. Nobody has a right to be a guest at someone else's event. Also it would be extremely rude for OP to offer to contribute to pay for more guests. Or tell her sister what kind of party to throw. Sigh.

    @DylansCandyBar You don't think the grandmother or aunts of this baby should be invited to the baby shower? Smh. Obviously family is something that is not important to you. Every shower I have ever been to has included both sets of parents to be's family, not sure why you wouldn't include your spouses family unless you were not on speaking terms.

    Also, did I say that she should demand to her sister to do exactly what kind of shower she wanted? No. I suggested a compromise since op stated she didn't want her sister to have to pay for more food, which is also why I suggested having op sister talk to the mil and see if she would like to be included and can split the costs. I'm sure Op doesn't want to upset anyone by not inviting them but, if DH family is not invited it makes op look bad not the sister who is throwing shower. It is not fair op is made to look like the bad guy because op sister doesn't want invite/pay for the in laws of the mom to be.
    Sigh. I said no one has the "right" to be a guest at someone else's party. Because they simply don't.

    Please don't make assumptions about me or my relationship with my family. I didn't personally attack you, just pointed out the holes in your advice. Slow your roll, sweets.

    You seem to not understand that a shower is a gift, the hostess has the ultimate say in the budget and who gets invited. It would be rude of the guest of honor to tell the hostess that what she's planning isn't good enough, which is essentially what your advice suggests.

    IMO of course the MILand SILs should be invited. But further than that, it's not necessary to invite the DH's entire side. If they want a family shower, someone can offer to throw one. Many people have more than one shower or a shower for each side of the family.

    Report Reply
  • kristenm88kristenm88 member
    @DylansCandyBar I will not sit here and argue with you because you do not agree with my suggestion to op and it was just that a suggestion. We obviously do not have to have the same opinion and that is just fine. I have thrown plenty of showers as well as had showers of my own to know they are a gift so please do not say I do not understand what a gift is.

    Please, do not put words in my mouth. Just because I said op could offer to help with food in no way means that she would be telling the hostess she wasn't doing a good enough job. I also was only talking about the mil and Sil's being invited not the entire family being that is what the op was asking about.

    Going back to some of the other baby shower threads, some of the posters stated how they helped such as decor, food, etc. It does not hurt to offer some kind of help if you want to include people that the hostess doesn't want to include. I understand other families throw showers which is why I should have stated that I agree with other posters that DH should find out if his mom or other family plan on doing a shower. If they do then you don't invite them but if they don't want to then they should be included on the invite list by sister who is throwing a shower for the op. Again we can agree to disagree.
    Report Reply
  • DylansCandyBarDylansCandyBar member
    kristenm88 said:

    @DylansCandyBar I will not sit here and argue with you


    You're doing it wrong.
    Report Reply
  • kristenm88kristenm88 member
    edited July 2015
    @DylansCandyBar why are you trying to start an argument over nothing? I said what I had to say to OP and I'm leaving it at that. Have a nice day.

    Eta: because I hit send before I was finished.
    Report Reply
  • DylansCandyBarDylansCandyBar member
    edited July 2015
    kristenm88 said:

    @DylansCandyBar why are you trying to start an argument over nothing?

    I could ask you the same question. Since you continue to tag me, it's obvious you want me to respond. I'm sorry that you don't like being told that you're wrong, but sometimes that happens in life.

    So I'll see your "have a nice day" and raise you with a bless your heart.

    See, I can be condescending and passive aggressive too.
    Report Reply
  • ash413ash413 member
    wassuphoes said:


    JStill0603 said:

    She was not okay with inviting them to the wedding shower because of the extra cost incurred by her for food/drinks/games etc. If it were up to me, we would do a co-ed bbq type thing, but I don't want to seem ungrateful or tell her what to do and it appears she would like to throw a more traditional shower. So I'm a littl afraid to ask her if I can invite them based on the past...

    Your sister gets to decide how many people she can host. If  the guest list is under her limit, you of course may ask to invite members or your DH's family. If you are at or over the limit, then you need to either cut your guest list to make room, or just not invite them. It's not uncommon for showers to be for one side of the family. 

    I agree, don't push to invite more people than your sister may be comfortable with/able to afford.
    Ask your sister how many people she is comfortable inviting, and make your guest list fit that number. You may need to cut some people in order to make room for your in laws.
            
           image

    Married 5/23/2011
    BFP 6/16/2013 EDD 2/25/2014 MC 7/2/2013
    BFP 8/30/2014 EDD: 5/10/2015- MC 10/2/2014
    BFP 3/16/2015 EDD: 11/22/2015
    Report Reply
  • JStill0603JStill0603 member
    The thing is, my family alone is 20 women. I will probably only invite a handful of close friends... These being people I see on a regular basis and who have already asked me if I'm having a shower and stated they would like an invite. Of course either way I will invite my MIL but I see my DHs SILs one to two times a year and the same with his grown neices... They would make 7 additional guests. I just would hate to leave out my close friends to have to invite them. Maybe that's mean, I'm not sure.
    Report Reply
  • DylansCandyBarDylansCandyBar member
    JStill0603 said:

    The thing is, my family alone is 20 women. I will probably only invite a handful of close friends... These being people I see on a regular basis and who have already asked me if I'm having a shower and stated they would like an invite. Of course either way I will invite my MIL but I see my DHs SILs one to two times a year and the same with his grown neices... They would make 7 additional guests. I just would hate to leave out my close friends to have to invite them. Maybe that's mean, I'm not sure.

    Invite your MIL and leave it at that.
    Report Reply
  • JStill0603JStill0603 member
    ^ that's pretty much my plan... I just wanted opinions to let me know that doesn't make me a horrible person and that if his family wants a shower, then they should throw (us) one too and my sister shouldn't have to shoulder the responsibility of the whole thing.
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"