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Spouse only wants one

keyshahartkeyshahart member
in Babies on the Brain
Hi everyone. Sorry for the long story. So ive always dreamt of having 2 children but my husband is dead set against it. I thought that after our first he would change his mind, but 2 years later and he has now made it crystal clear that its not happening. I am having trouble dealing with his decision. It breaks my heart. I feel its important for our daughter to have a sibling and have that sibling bond. But he pretty much told me he doesnt care and its his decision. He likes having his free time and doesnt want to do the firat year again. It has got to the point that i resent him and cant stand being around him. No matter how hard i try, it just seems to het worse. Id would never end a marriage just because i want more children, but im just so unhappy with his decision. I need some help dealing with this please!
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Re: Spouse only wants one

  • HookEmNelsonHookEmNelson member
    edited July 2015
    Totally understand your vent. Processing and accepting is hard when you and husband have completely opposite wants and needs; definitely when it comes the number of kids that y'all want.

    It sounds like you knew what his plan was before having your first, but he is dead set-no changing his mind. Sit down with him, communicate and reiterate the situation. Definitely get your feelings out in a mindful way and hopefully that will help with some closure on your end. Hang in there and chin up, friend.

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  • Xstatic3333Xstatic3333 member
    I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I agree, it does sound like you knew his wishes going in. It might be beneficial for you two to speak with a counselor together (or yourself alone) to help process what you are feeling. Allowing resentment to build is never a good solution, and an outside perspective can be so helpful in terms of reframing things.

    I will say this, as an only-it has many benefits! The biggest one I've found as an adult is the ability to be comfortable while alone. It's a life skill I'm very grateful for! H was an only too and loved it. None of this is meant to negate your feelings, which are very valid, but hopefully give a small amount of comfort that your daughter can be okay without a sibling.

    I'll also say this-while I don't believe any couple should have kids unless both are on board, I hope he's being a bit more sensitive than it sounds here or at least was at first, before things got negative.

    I hope you start to feel better soon, whatever happens.
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  • HookEmNelsonHookEmNelson member
    Going off on what @Xstatic3333 said about being an only (I have a brother 16 years older than me - I've pretty much have been on my own and barely have a great relationship with him) it really has been a great experience. I can handle being by myself; and now with a child I appreciate the very selective down time that occurs. I bask in the solitude when it happens, hah! Also, I have a better relationship with my husband's family-my in laws are pretty amazing.

    I also 2nd going out and finding a counselor. It helps to have someone to mediate and just listen.
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  • NoSugarCoatingNoSugarCoating member
    keyshahart said:
    Hi everyone. Sorry for the long story. So ive always dreamt of having 2 children but my husband is dead set against it. I thought that after our first he would change his mind, but 2 years later and he has now made it crystal clear that its not happening. I am having trouble dealing with his decision. It breaks my heart. I feel its important for our daughter to have a sibling and have that sibling bond. But he pretty much told me he doesnt care and its his decision. He likes having his free time and doesnt want to do the firat year again. It has got to the point that i resent him and cant stand being around him. No matter how hard i try, it just seems to het worse. Id would never end a marriage just because i want more children, but im just so unhappy with his decision. I need some help dealing with this please!
    Why in the world would you do this to yourself? If you had your heart set on two children, and he was dead-set on one, you should have decided prior to getting married whether this was a deal-breaker or not. 

    Get yourself to a counselor. Your husband didn't break your heart -- YOU did. 
    DS1: BFP 04/03/11 | EDD 12/02/11 | born 11/21/11 
    DS2: BFP 02/09/13 | EDD 10/26/13 | said goodbye 06/02/13
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  • mrsp2213mrsp2213 member
    As the oldest of four I can't tell you how grateful I am for my siblings. We are all incredibly close and I can't imagine life without them.

    The Mr. has always maintained he wants two but I'd love to go for three if I can get him on board.  I always tell him the more we have the better our chances are of not ending up in a nursing home :)

    But this is definitely a tough position to be in and I see both sides.  Like PP I would also suggest a neutral counselor to help you through this time.  I hope you are able to find a resolution that leaves your marriage in a happy, healthy place.
    Me: 29
    The Mr.: 31
    EDD: 6/2/16
    Furbabies: 3 rescue dogs
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  • flerbnerbinflerbnerbin member
    I'm going through something similar. I'm pregnant with my first, and engaged to my boyfriend. He didn't want a second baby so bad, that he went out and got a vasectomy. I understand that it's his choice to not want to reproduce again, but I know I'm going to want another baby so this little one can have a sibling, and because I've always wanted 2 kids anyway. It's extremely disheartening, but I've been having to work on it, because I realize I'm choosing between a theoretical tiny human, and someone I've already fallen in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with.
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  • YogaSandyYogaSandy member
    I don't understand why people think their partner "will change his mind" (and it could be the her who doesn't want kids or only one). Are you going to change your mind? It doesn't sound like it. So why do you just assume someone else will?

    I only wanted one. DH wanted at least two. I don't and won't. I'm never going through pregnancy, birth and labour again. And I am never ever ever dealing with colic again. Never. I couldn't function those first three months. I just did what my mom told me to do. And DS didn't STTN until 14 months old (prior to that he still woke every two hours). I love DS more than anything, but he didn't cause me to change my mind. He only solidified that I won't change it.

    Sidebar - witnessing labour made DH realize he never wanted to see that happen to me again. So he's fine with one. He probably still wants more, but had agreed to the benefits (for us) of one.
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  • BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
    Only children turn out just fine and dandy without siblings.  There have been a few studies done about only children and they debunked all the myths about only children.  Only children did better in school, got into better colleges, had high paying jobs, and as adults, reported feeling more satisfaction with their lives and their relationship with their families than those with siblings.  Do a little research on only children studies.  I think you'll find that it's only an emotional want on your part, not an actual need.

    I know this doesn't help with the emotional aspect, but you need to grieve and move past this.  Enjoy your child to the fullest.



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  • amberrmariee20amberrmariee20 member
    After I had my first son I was doing having children. I was happy with 1 and no one was changing my mind... However I met this really nice guy and of course he didn't have any and really loved children and now we are having a son together due in October 2015. We also plan on 1 more.

    Sometimes the things around you can change the way the situation plays out. Sometimes people change their mind even though their dead set on one child.
    Hopefully he will change his mind like I did.
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  • jmknoxjmknox member
    I second counseling and some soul searching.
    BFP 5/22/12, MC 6/6/12 (cp) BFP 10/16/13, EDD June 28, 2014 - baby J arrived 6/19/14! ** #2-- BFP 12/5/15, EDD August 17, 2016 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


    BabyFruit Ticker ***************************** Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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