Should I tell close family?

mb0112 · July 2015

I just found out I'm almost 5 weeks, but if things continue to go smoothly I need advice on when to tell my family. I will be 6.5 weeks for my sisters bachelorette (a weekend out of state) and not drinking, hopefully feeling fine. I will be 11 weeks at her wedding. At first I thought I'd wait until after her wedding to tell family, or maybe tell the parents sooner and tell her and other siblings after her honeymoon. But that puts us at 13 weeks (again, assuming things go well, which I don't want to count our chickens too soon!).

We are very close and I feel strange keeping it from her so long, especially if we tell parents. I don't want any MS, fatigue, etc be taken for lack of excitement over the wedding and if I wait til week 13, she might wish I had told her sooner. But also don't want to put the spotlight on me when it should be on her. I've considered not telling anyone (parents either) til after the wedding but it seems so long to wait.

It's my first, so I shouldn't be showing at the wedding and the dress is forgiving. I plan to "pretend drink" at the bachelorette/wedding either way because I'm not ready to tell extended family. Any advice??

skruhmin · July 2015

Meh we've told all of our close family already (told them the day I took the test) - we've told them right away for every pregnancy - I'm way too excited to keep this kind of news from them, especially with our fertility history. I always say tell those whom you would feel comfortable if they knew about a miscarriage.

jy725 · July 2015

I would tell your family. This is a very exciting time for you all!

KikiSmash12 · July 2015

If you feel comfortable telling, do it! I told all family and close friends by 5 weeks (maybe earlier?) with my DD. I'd be explicit that it's still a secret in case you're worried about anyone spilling the beans.

mb0112 · July 2015

Thanks ladies! I guess I do feel comfortable telling before first trimester is done, and if it weren't for the wedding I would probably be telling my siblings and parents somewhere between 6-8 weeks when I feel like my chances of miscarriage are lower. I'm 29 and healthy and no reason to think my chances are higher than average, but I'd hate to share good news, then bad news, when it is supposed to be her happy time. I think I've always heard people wait til 12 weeks, and I've assumed that meant before telling ANYONE but it seems most people on here share the news much sooner.

I think I am torn on the timing though-- do I fake it through the bachelorette and risk someone calling me out, and tell somewhere between bachelorette (6.5 weeks) and wedding (11 weeks) or just spill before we leave for bachelorette so my sisters know and can help me hide it from the other girls.

skruhmin · July 2015

Let your sister know before

KRMcD · July 2015

Tell anyone who you would feel comfortable telling about a miscarriage. We've told close friends and family and after our doctor's appointment next week (assuming there's a heartbeat), we'll tell everyone else. Although we won't post on facebook about it until after the anatomy scan.

KikiSmash12 · July 2015

mb0112 said:

Thanks ladies! I guess I do feel comfortable telling before first trimester is done, and if it weren't for the wedding I would probably be telling my siblings and parents somewhere between 6-8 weeks when I feel like my chances of miscarriage are lower. I'm 29 and healthy and no reason to think my chances are higher than average, but I'd hate to share good news, then bad news, when it is supposed to be her happy time. I think I've always heard people wait til 12 weeks, and I've assumed that meant before telling ANYONE but it seems most people on here share the news much sooner. I think I am torn on the timing though-- do I fake it through the bachelorette and risk someone calling me out, and tell somewhere between bachelorette (6.5 weeks) and wedding (11 weeks) or just spill before we leave for bachelorette so my sisters know and can help me hide it from the other girls.

Tell your sister so she can help you fake it through the bachelorette party!

mb0112 · July 2015

Hmm still not sure on the timing-- I really want to focus on the bride and make sure she is having a great time but I think it will depend on how I'm feeling. If my stomach and energy are fine and it's just a matter of faking out the alcohol, I may wait. Still feels so early since I haven't been to a doctor yet and anything could happen!! But I think I've decided that waiting til after the wedding is not realistic!

HollyGirl1212 · July 2015

Why not just tell the bride now and the rest later?

mb0112 · July 2015

@hollygirl1212 I definitely won't tell the rest of the bachelorette party, just the bride and maybe younger sister too (who will be there). Still, I want her to feel like the weekend is all about her and sharing my news so soon might distract from that somehow. Last summer was my wedding and she was so good about planning everything, I'd hate to have it be her turn with me going "hey look at me I'm pregnant now!"

Depending on how I feel I might just keep it secret during the bachelorette and tell sometime after, and laugh about how I fake-drank all weekend.

Rabbitheart15 · July 2015

I agree on not making a big announcement during the bachelorette party, but I'd share the secret with your sister and I wouldn't wait too long with the rest. Also, she gets one day that's all about her - the wedding - and it would be nice to give her the spotlight during the bachelorette party. But you shouldn't worry about stealing the spotlight outside of those events. Life won't evolve around her for a whole trimester.

jupiterthecat · July 2015

I've been on both sides of this... I've told close family early and had everything work out fine, and I haven't told anyone and ended up having a loss. I have to say that having close family not know when I had my loss did not make it easier. It made it harder, because I felt very lonely and isolated and felt like I needed their support, so then I had to call my mom and say "hey, I was pregnant, and now I'm not anymore," which was a very, very difficult conversation to have. I was grateful that the whole world didn't know, but kind of wish I had said something to my family. (that said, I'm too scared to say anything this time around until we see the heartbeat).

I think there's too much taboo against sharing news early in pregnancy. There's no "should" or "should not," you should just do what feels right! If you tell your sister/ other close family, it'll be a big help in helping you fake drink at the bachelorette and wedding.

mb0112 · July 2015

Thanks for all the advice, ladies!! Just wanted to update you now that the bachelorette is over and I still haven't told!! I decided it felt too soon to tell before the bachelorette because my first appt isn't til 8/17.

Well, I did ok with fake drinking while hanging around the rental house-- I set up a "make your own white sangria bar" and sneakily made mine with just ginger ale and fruit. Later took someone's empty beer can to the bathroom to wash and fill with water.

I was the driver the next day and night so that helped as an excuse to not drink "too much". At a bar ordered a beer (wanted it in a dark bottle but damn it we were at an outdoor bar which made me have it in a plastic cup!) so I snuck to the trash can and was dumping out "sips". The toughest part was dinner where I was planning to order a dark beer bottle or a soda with lime in it...but the table decided on pitchers of sangria and no one was getting a different drink. I decided to go with the flow and pour a glass and hope no one noticed it stayed full. Totally got called out and awkwardly said it was cuz I was driving and taking it slow... someone actually joked "are you pregnant?" And I just pretended I was distracted by another conversation and turned the other way.... Ugh!!

Fake drinking can be hard, and it sucks cuz my attention gets focused on faking it instead of relaxing and enjoying the time. With a summer concert, a cocktail party, two weddings and rehearsal dinners coming up, I'm going to start telling my closest people.

Knottie1456889319 · July 2015

mb0112 said:

Thanks ladies! I guess I do feel comfortable telling before first trimester is done, and if it weren't for the wedding I would probably be telling my siblings and parents somewhere between 6-8 weeks when I feel like my chances of miscarriage are lower. I'm 29 and healthy and no reason to think my chances are higher than average, but I'd hate to share good news, then bad news, when it is supposed to be her happy time. I think I've always heard people wait til 12 weeks, and I've assumed that meant before telling ANYONE but it seems most people on here share the news much sooner. I think I am torn on the timing though-- do I fake it through the bachelorette and risk someone calling me out, and tell somewhere between bachelorette (6.5 weeks) and wedding (11 weeks) or just spill before we leave for bachelorette so my sisters know and can help me hide it from the other girls.

I just told my sister a week after she got engaged, which so happened to be our 8 week mark and when we had been planning to tell. At first she acted really happy. Then she accused me of stealing her happiness and not wanting my family to celebrate her engagement. If your sister is the least bit crazy I would not tell her before the wedding. Maybe wait until a day or two after before she goes on her honeymoon.

mb0112 · July 2015

lanatalia said:

mb0112 said:

Thanks ladies! I guess I do feel comfortable telling before first trimester is done, and if it weren't for the wedding I would probably be telling my siblings and parents somewhere between 6-8 weeks when I feel like my chances of miscarriage are lower. I'm 29 and healthy and no reason to think my chances are higher than average, but I'd hate to share good news, then bad news, when it is supposed to be her happy time. I think I've always heard people wait til 12 weeks, and I've assumed that meant before telling ANYONE but it seems most people on here share the news much sooner.

I think I am torn on the timing though-- do I fake it through the bachelorette and risk someone calling me out, and tell somewhere between bachelorette (6.5 weeks) and wedding (11 weeks) or just spill before we leave for bachelorette so my sisters know and can help me hide it from the other girls.

I just told my sister a week after she got engaged, which so happened to be our 8 week mark and when we had been planning to tell. At first she acted really happy. Then she accused me of stealing her happiness and not wanting my family to celebrate her engagement. If your sister is the least bit crazy I would not tell her before the wedding. Maybe wait until a day or two after before she goes on her honeymoon.

Wow that sucks!! Mine is not crazy, but the timing is tricky and I hope she wouldn't feel like we are trying to take attention. If I want to catch her before the honeymoon it would have to be the morning after wedding, which wouldn't feel right, otherwise we'd have to wait til after the honeymoon which would be like 13/14 weeks. By then she'd be amongst the last to know which would not be right either! So I think I might tell her after the 8/17 first appt. Or maybe earlier in August so she had more time to process and not feel like it was big news right before the wedding.

At the bachelorette I felt like my lack of drinking and distraction of trying to fake it made me feel like I was being less fun and engaged, and I don't want to be that way at the rehearsal dinner and wedding! I definitely won't be telling family outside of parents and siblings before the wedding, so I will still be fake-toasting with champagne, etc but won't feel as phony if I'm being honest with the people closest to us.

jennyboots84 · July 2015

I have told close family and friend, people I will be ok to talk to if something did go wrong.

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