DH seems to be taking my symptoms personally- have you been there before?

mcklough · July 2015

my DH is fantastic but he seems to be taking my morning sickness and exhaustion personally and it's hard for me to be patient when I already feel like garbage.

When I say I'm not feeling well he seems to think I'm exaggerating. He rolls his eyes when I say we have to slow down if we are walking and when I breath out until it passes I feel like he is impatient and wants me to "hurry up". Then when I throw up he almost seems angry. Sometimes he won't even talk to me for like 5 minutes afterwards.

Maybe he is just frustrated that he can't do anything to make me feel better or to make it go away? I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation, what I may be able to do to perceive it differently, or anything I might be able to bring up to him to help him understand/cope easier.

wisco29 · July 2015

https://www.artofmanliness.com/2011/03/13/pregnant-wife/

Maybe you can get him to read a few Articles written by men so he can relate And understand.

Men don't fully relate or really get it until the baby is here... But you definitely need support and patience right now. Definitely try talking to him, he could be stressed and still adjusting

MississippiCatfish · July 2015

I agree that men need a little more time to process, but in my marriage, some of the things you described would not be "tolerated." (I use quotations because I don't know another word. We strive to have a healthy relationship and just agree that there are certain ways we shouldn't treat each other, know what I mean?) I was feeling the way you are, I would try to wait until a moment when you are both feeling okay (as okay as you can right now) and have a good sit down conversation. I would explain exactly what you said, with examples of what he's done and how you perceive it. I personally would also remind him that the majority of the time, women start to feel quite a bit better at 12 weeks - so this isn't going to continue until February. I'm sure others will have more profound advice, but these are my thoughts:)

cMichelle0423 · July 2015

Personally I would talk to him about why he reacts that way when stuff like this happens. Granted men don't get to go through pregnancy the way we do, but it's a big change for them too. Some men just don't know how to handle it. They don't understand how quickly things change during pregnancy. You can look into pregnancy books for dads, or maybe read a pregnancy book together. But I truly feel like communication in situations like this is important. Let him know how you're feeling, and ask him how he's feeling. If he doesn't take to talking about things very well, have your OB explain things to him so that he can understand you're not just milking things or whatever he's thinking lol either way, good luck!

bdaught · July 2015

My DH is sorta like this. He's had to pick up a lot of the slack since I've had 24/7 MS. I think he's resentful, or thinking that I'm exaggerating how poorly I feel. At this point I sorta ignore it, I'm usually the one picking up after him now roles have reversed a little.

HBirdie · July 2015

My husband isn't really like this, he's super patient with me, but I often FEEL like he doesn't understand and is getting annoyed. It's probably just paranoia but I always kind of half wish I were actually puking instead of just lying there feeling super nauseous so that he would know I was for real.

bredoll · July 2015

Mine doesn't get mad about my symptoms but I think he thinks I'm faking it or exaggerating at times. He is getting better about making comments but in the beginning he didn't understand why I was so tired or felt so terrible because I "wasn't that pregnant." They honestly just don't understand that pretty much from the time the stick turns pink our bodies are taken over. I agree with PP that you need to talk to him when you are both calm and try to find out why he is acting so negatively. Good luck.

jnconstantin · July 2015

I can definitely relate! I am a FTM and this pregnancy was definitely a surprise, but both me and DH agreed we wanted a child in the next two years. He has a 4 year old from his previous marriage and it was his ex wifes 3rd pregnancy. He has compared my pregnancy to hers on several occassions. Saying things like "She wasnt so emotional", "She didnt worry like you do", blah blah blah. I am not her! This is my first pregnancy, I have had two kidney infections so far and Im only 10.5 weeks. I feel as if he resents me and Im terrified he will resent our baby too. He is great dad to his daughter (in fact, we have custody of her), but I just have a feeling he isnt truly happy about this baby. He says he is happy, but his actions say otherwise.

LMMama · July 2015

I'm struggling with this too. My BF and I got into it on Saturday over me wanting to leave a party because I was exhausted (we had been there all day!) and him saying things like "Stop acting like you're 8 months pregnant" and "I guess I'll just tell everyone we'll see them in 7 months". I've explained to him several times that all of pregnancy is exhausting, not just the end. I'm sending him a bunch of articles today and just telling him he needs to get with it. I read that often times men want to fix the issue rather than just accepting that it's happening. When I get mad my BF keeps asking what he can do differently to help me, and I keep telling him just accept what's going on, let me be tired, and do what I ask haha.

mcklough · July 2015

Thanks for all the feedback ladies. I agree that it's not really acceptable behavior but I also realize that I'm perceiving things from him so maybe his intention isn't as bad as I'm seeing it.

I think getting him a book from the male perspective might be a good thing. Hopefully it will address the whole being helpless to fix it but how to be helpful

cognity8 · July 2015

I'm going to hug my DH a little tighter tonight... Aside from a few small tantrum regarding housework, mine has been incredibly patient and compassionate about my MS. I will also include he has been reading What to Expect when Expecting... So maybe he has picked up some tips from that. The other day I was having a meltdown over a meatloaf and he very patiently said, "if this is making you feel better, please keep going" lol. I stopped. I can't say I'll never get that irrational again, but it really opened my eyes. I agree with the other ladies- sit down and talk to him about why he is acting this way... And I would also question if he truly has you and the baby's best interest at heart... Good luck! Xo

Miss Lilac · July 2015

My husband has been downright doting. He's so excited that it's like I walk on water. While he might be pretty far to one side of the spectrum I don't think I'd tolerate some of the attitude you ladies are receiving. You're growing a human for crying out loud! I think the dad should be just as knowledgeable about the pregnancy as you, being a "man" is no excuse for disinterest - it's half theirs after all! Get these boys some books and a reality check. It will be a long nine months without your SO's support. Good luck!

Edited for spelling.

fedobs86 · July 2015

I can kind of related here as FTM, but like everyone said before I just don't think they get it. The other day DH was like please explain a "craving" to me like is it seriously you can't think about anything but going out and getting French fries or is it kind of an excuse most women use. I was like well everything else makes me want to vom so I guess it's more what can I tolerate and he was like "ok that makes sense" they just process so differently! Also he's been asking guys at work with kids lots of questions because they can explain things to each other better I think? maybe have him talk to some friends with wives who have gone through it all before (he might be a whole lot more appreciative if he hears a good horror story

brushesnbrunch · July 2015

My husband has been on the opposite side of the spectrum. When I asked how he became so great about pregnancy he said, "This may be my first time with it, but I have been around pregnant people before." I think he remembers what hell his sister put the family through while she was pregnant. I'm not sure.

I still get eye rolls regarding my napping and if I see a commercial on tv for some sort of food and a "oooohh" comes out of my mouth though..

bublesmiled · July 2015

When I was sick a couple of weeks ago, my DH would complain that my cough hurt his ears. Well sorry my illness is an inconvenience to you! At least when he got sick he could take something. Guys are just crazy and don't think about what they say and how it makes you feel. Hope you feel better soon!

notasycophant · July 2015

I think my DH was slightly resentful as well because he had to pick up alot of the slack both at our business and home. He softened after he stayed home one day and was witness to me getting really sick. He started getting better after that.

Once he had a look at the babe swimming around, he had a complete change of attitude. He understands that I'm not faking. I think men are visual creatures, they need to see to believe.

name1109 · July 2015

With DS around 12 weeks we went for a walk where I claim DH was trying to kill me. The weather was hot, we were outside and I thought I was going to die. He just didn't get that being pregnant is a complete shift from 'normalcy.' I had to sit down at the time for 30-40 minutes and cool off. I wouldn't say my husband is unsupportive, I think it's just hard to go from we just ran a 5k together to I can hardly get out of bed. With DS, we had books that neither of us read. It took a long time for him to realize that I might not physically have a significant baby bump but that little sucker is draining the life out of me. The last three times I've been pregnant it's this...no you're not. The stick is probably wrong to Oh! You weren't kidding! We're pregnant! To oh! You're not feeling well. It's just harder for them to comprehend? Not that they're dumb, it's just not something they're experiencing.

kateryna72 · July 2015

I think it's hard for the guys in the beginning, because we don't actually look pregnant yet. My dh had no idea that the 1st trimester is actually the worst until I told him. He just assumed that everything was fine until the end of the pregnancy. Also he keeps forgetting that I'm pregnant, because he says I don't look or act pregnant. I guess if I'm not complaining every second of everyday he doesn't think that I'm really feeling bad. My general survival strategy is mind over matter, because it's a long 12 weeks and I still have a toddler who needs me, so my dh doesn't realize that I'm still dying and so exhausted on the inside!

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DH seems to be taking my symptoms personally- have you been there before?

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