This is going to make me sound horrible...

lanaloulittle · July 2015

So one of my good friends is going through a breakup. She was with her fiance for 2.5 years, lived together and ya know, had a whole life together. He cheated and I have been through the exact same situation, so my husband and I decided to let her move in with us for a couple months while she gets things together and we still have a spare room.

It has been 48 hours and I am already done having a roommate. I am so tired of the "well now I can start my life" comments and the comments about how "hot and wonderful" my husband and I's best friend is.

I guess it may be the age difference (4.5 years, she just turned 21 and I'm 26). And the fact that I've been happily married since 22... I don't know, I can't handle it. Luckily my husband is taking me on a birthday getaway tomorrow because I need it!

przemosbabe · July 2015

Sounds like you're not really her friend. If you were you would have more compassion and understanding. You shouldn't have let her move in. I feel sorry she has you to depend on. One day your marriage may have problems too. 4 years is not a long time, grasshopper. I hope you don't need a friend if that ever happens, and if it does and you do need someone, let's hope they don't treat you the same way. That karma and all...

lanaloulittle · July 2015

There is a huge difference between a newly single 21 year old and a married and pregnant 26 year old. I am a great friend because she had absolutely no place to go and my husband and I are letting her live with us completely free while she gets her life together. If I wasn't her friend she would not be in my house. I don't know many people who would do that for anyone- give up their nursery and private space to someone. I have driven her to her old house and helped her pack her things and put them in my car and drove her back to my house. I stood by her side when she told her fiance it was over. I have completely emptied a nursery I was setting up so she could have a room.

I'm sorry that I don't want to hear about how hot my best friend is all the time. Or every five minutes how she can't wait to start her life. I am an introvert and like to be private. I rarely hang out with anyone but her. At 21 I was struggling my way out of a failed engagement because of a cheater and didn't have someone to help me, so I have been there and done it all on my own. And that is the reason I have agreed to a roommate, because I have compassion. I knew the post wouldn't make me sound like a loving and warm person, but I am not what you are making me sound like. The last time I ever had a roommate other than a cheating fiance or my husband (and those are not the same person) was almost 9 years ago when I lived in a college dorm. It's a rough transition to anyone. Especially an emotional and easily irritated pregnant woman who doesn't enjoy sitting and gossiping about hot guys.

MariahOBrien · July 2015

Having roommates isn't easy, IMO. I, like you, also prefer having my own space and not having too many people around all of the time. Before DH and I got married, we lived in a share house with 5 other people. I hated it!

You're not a bad friend for being a little bit annoyed by the current situation. Perhaps try talking to her about the issues you're having, it may help lessen the tension. Communication is key. Good luck! I wish you well.

Edited: for werdz.

ameares721 · July 2015

I let my best friend and her 6 year old move 700 miles to live with me. It was the hardest two months of my life. My husband was always angry because his space was invaded and he never particularly liked her anyway... I ended up being an unpaid babysitter and rearranging my life around them. It was such an adjustment. Plus she was kind of messy and I'm super clean/organized! You're doing the right thing. You are a good friend and you don't have to enjoy every second of it to be a good friend. Your sacrifice alone makes you a great person!

ROrtiz07 · July 2015

Let me start by saying that first comment was completely out of line. Clearly that person has never had a roommate or has put their plans on hold to help someone in need.

Being annoyed doesn't make you a bad friend or person. It makes you human. Its okay to feel annoyed or like your personal space is being invaded because, let's be honest, it is. No matter who it's being invaded by & how much you love them. Its an adjustment that will take some time for everyone.

& it's ok to vent. Your pregnancy isn't the time to hold in stress lol. Let it out & enjoy life

smlowe9311 · July 2015

Like @MariahOBrien said try talking to your friend. Possibly establish some boundaries just to make everything easier for all of you. I really struggled when I/we had roommates as well (myself in college then for about 1 1/2 years starting around 6 months after we got married because of financial reasons) but found the times I was able to be open and honest with them in a nice way things seemed to go smoother. Good luck and enjoy your birthday get away!

Krysta6 · July 2015

I don't think you sound horrible at all. I think it is normal to get annoyed with people when they stay in your space for extended periods of time. I think the way you handle it is what is important!

If possible I would keep the conversations on things that are going to help her with her future -- like hows work or the apartment hunt going? If she mentioned how hot the friend is maybe encourage her to work through her current feelings with her ex before lusting after someone else.

Anyone who says they have never felt this way is lying (or has never dealt with something like this).

kristen2b · July 2015

Dirty lurker here, @lanaloulittle I totally get it. I HATE having people in my space. Reading the threads on here about all the people wanting to stay with these mommas after the baby comes makes me stabby! Being annoyed doesn't make you a bad friend! The fact that you are putting those feelings aside to help her makes you an awesome friend! Especially while pregnant!

mrsdhouse89 · July 2015

I'm 26 and have been married since 21 and my friend was going through this I'm sure her comments didn't bug me after 48 hours. They might have after a few weeks, but the maturity level you are referring to doesn't sound like she is the immature one unless you are leaving details out.

You are a good friend for letting her stay with you, but you have to remember this was the person she intended to spend her life with. She's not going to just get over that and not be sad, or stop saying as you say she is saying "poor pitiful me" in your time frame. You know after being married that you wouldn't just move on from your husband.

I'm glad she's saying she's excited to start her life over, not a lot of women would see it that way. I get where the first poster was coming from and trying to say, she just said it a little more straight forward.

Your hormones are going crazy so that probably doesn't help, but you did put yourself in this situation by offering your home to be lived in by someone who is supposed to be your best friend.

I did the same thing as you honestly, but I was 22 and it wasn't her comments about starting over that bugged me. It was the fact that I saw her less when she lived with us vs before she moved in and her dog was not well behaved at all. So I get where you are coming from, I do.

It sounds like you need some ground rules to take the stress off of you and be honest with her. Trust me if you aren't honest with her now it will only get worse and it's pretty sad that it's only been two days and you are already feeling this way. Just imagine it a month from now if you don't address it; it will only bug you more and get worse.

amberrmariee20 · July 2015

@lanaloulittle haha I distance myself from my friends when I'm pregnant, because they drive me CRAZY with the things they keep saying. Recently my friend financed a car and got a new place, and all I been hearing about is how she has no money, how broke she is, how she can't afford it !! I love my friends but hearing that over and over and over is too much !

DeeGreer · July 2015

Definitely talk to her about it, but by no means are you a bad friend for being annoyed by her. Sometimes I'm grumpy and the way people chew is enough to make me want to scream. I can say from experience when my ex husband cheated on me I put on a facade that I was excited to be starting over but I would cry myself to sleep every night. I think a little one on one time would go a long way. Unless it was my sister or best friend I'm not sure I could rearrange my home to accommodate someone. You're being more generous than a lot of people...myself included.

jenspeake · July 2015

I think we're at a stage where everything/everyone annoys us! I would give it a month and if it's not working out just let her know. Did you guys set a time line on how long she was going to stay? You can always tell her after a month that you decided with the baby on the way you don't think this is the best idea and give her another month to find her own place. You DO have a baby on the way and she should understand that and hopefully is keeping that in mind with the amount of time she chooses to stay with you. Next time she brings up your hot friend I would say well let's get over the fiance first and maybe we'll look at trying to set you up or something!

dannie134 · July 2015

I agree that it's very generous of you to offer to let her live with you, and hopefully she appreciates that. Knowing that she is a guest in your home, if you need to set some boundaries that will help make her stay more pleasant for everyone I think that is very reasonable. I am an introvert as well and really value my quiet time, as much as I love DH I don't mind when he is at work so I have the house to myself some days.

I think the best way you can help her is to make sure you are both on the same page about the length of her stay and what she can/can't do while living with you, otherwise she may end up leaving early because you've made each other nuts. I think it's fair to expect her to be open to some house rules or guidelines while she's living with you.

komorebi · July 2015

I can't do roommates. And i am not the enabling type, so i get it. I had a best friend i had to cut ties with because she was always getting herself into the same mess and wanting me to help clean her up emotionally. And when i wouldn't she'd start picking apart my relationship which she honestly had very little info about because i didn't air my stuff like that.

plumpous · July 2015

As you said, you are an introvert. You need to have 'me' time. That's valid.

Spend as much time with her as you can, but if you feel like it's draining, tell her gently, that you need a little time to be alone, because that's something you need to do. She should be understanding. Once you recharge, you should feel a lot happier hanging out with her.

savedbygrace1213 · July 2015

I would not say you are a bad friend.. And I definaltely think being pregnant could be making you more irritable than you might normally would be in this situation. Just this past week I have noticed that I have been very easily annoyed by every little thing when usually I am a laid back person (that's how I've always viewed myself anyways, lol). I'm sure my husband is wondering where the 'old me' has gone because he is the one that my mood has been directed towards lately, and for the pettiest little things!

lilmagic00 · July 2015

I NEVER LIKED ROOMATES....That's why I never had them but in college....lol!!! I understand completely

elmann1 · July 2015

Sometimes it baffles me when people ask or even consider to move in with a friend who has a husband or wife and baby. I would never want to be that burden or leech. You were very kind to offer that to her, but like @DeeGreer said, there's no I could do that. I had a newly single friend stay with DH and I for a month and I wanted to rip my hair out. Lifestyles change with age and experience.You are a great friend for even considering her moving in and she's lucky to have you.

mandala1107 · July 2015

I agree with some of the other PPs. Even offering makes you a friend. You didn't know what you were getting yourself into and neither did she. Now that she is settled, if you have not already done so, it is critically important that you talk about timelines and plans to get there. You said you need alone time... Does she not work or do you? Trust me, I know work isn't an escape, but I'm just more curious to see how feasible her moving out quickly is. Also, setting up boundaries will be important, such as meal times, is she invited or is she on her own? Does she contribute by making meals, cleaning, etc. Not only is it important for you to be there for her as a friend right now, she (as your friend) should realize she is there at an in opportune time. Yes, she didn't pick it, but she has to realize you are preparing for a child and should be making every effort to get her life started and together so as to not be a burden. Now is the perfect time to have this conversation if you haven't already. You were waiting for her to settle in and not overwhelm her at first... Right!?!? Hehe.

lanaloulittle · July 2015

I feel much better after having a couple days away. I think it was just the initial "there is now someone in my house and I don't know where to hide". And I think she also needed a few days to think and decide on her life as well. We've talked now that I've been back and I think things are going to go a lot smoother. She knows we will give her 3 months max, because well the baby will be here much sooner than any of us expect and we will need the space back. And we arent even 100% sure of where we will be living come October/November. So, all in all, I think things will get better now that everyone is over the initial shock of the situation.

RainNFyre · July 2015

I drive my SO bananas, but we take in house guests all the time. We have a large home and I have always been of the mindset that if I can help someone and there's room, they're welcome. Over the past 2 years, we've housed at least 4 friends (none overlapped). He gets annoyed at dealing with sharing our space and I promised him after our current "stray" moves out in August, we're done.

Strangely, I am a super introvert and Husband is the extrovert, so you'd think he'd like guests and not me.

It's not easy to open your home to someone else, but setting ground rules is paramount as is maintaining your own sanity. Get away when you need to and don't be afraid to let her know when she is being a bad guest - sometimes people can get wrapped up in their own stuff and lose sight of those who are helping them.

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