Advice needed Dealing with SIL

blueberrymomma · July 2015

So I'm currently 10weeks pregnant with Baby #2 and completely stressing about telling my SIL. First let me give you a background.
When I was pregnant with DD she was not happy and completely ignore me and my pregnancy never even congratulating me(we live down the street from each other). Then halfway thru my pregnacy she annouced her infertility problems. So I made a significant effort not to flaunt my pregnancy around her but I also ended up not enjoying it because I was afraid to even talk about It at family gatherings. Things got worse after delivery because for almost the first year of DDs life she wouldnt hold or interact with her( but she would with everyone else's kids). I would cry to my husband and mom about how anyone could treat such an innocent person like that . Now that my DD is 2 they have a much better relationship and my little girl loves her aunt. However a month ago the surgery she was planning on having on her ovaries was cancelled due to insurance and I know she's super upset about it.
I worry that announcing a second baby would erase all the progress we made and she'll start treating my family poorly again. I know we want to tell her and BIL seperatly from the rest of the fam I just don't know how to do it.
I also don't want to sound insensitive to fertility problems, that is why I'm asking for advice.

pettycrocker · July 2015

Honestly, I wish I could give you solid advice but having dealt with IF personally I can tell you there's really no magic way to address it. What I am learning now is that you just have to enjoy your pregnancy and try not to feel guilty that you are pregnant and she's not- I know that is hard, because most people are naturally empathetic, but there's really no way to make her feel better about you being pregnant, she has to process it however she is going to process it. If she has to totally shut you out, then just let her. Do not walk on egg shells and not enjoy your pregnancy because in the end it doesn't really change anything for either of you- you're still pregnant and she is still dealing with IF.

My SIL is a bitch. I just wanted to put it out there. She's a fucking bitch.

shupertj09 · July 2015

Tell her privately over the phone. My guess is it's really not about you, for her. It's about the pain of infertility. I wouldn't take it personally, you can be considerate of her feelings and still enjoy your pregnancy.

Quazel · July 2015

Ditto others. Based on the information you have given (I understand there may be more you didn't go into), I don't think she treated your family poorly. I think she was in self preservation mode. I would try to look at it that way, rather than as an insult to you. I wish you luck, this won't be easy. Hopefully she realizes how lucky she is to have family who cares.

cMichelle0423 · July 2015

I agree. Try not to take it so personally. I've never dealt with infertility issues, but I know how much it sucks to see all these women I know getting pregnant before we were ready to. (I know it's obviously not the same thing, but that's as close as I can try to relate). Hopefully she's less negative about your pregnancy this time around. Either way, don't let anyone keep you from enjoying your pregnancy! I know what it feels like for someone to turn your pregnancy into a bad thing (that happened with my second pregnancy and my FIL) So this time around I'm not going to be around negative people. Good luck mama!

GABRIELLE2011 · July 2015

Maybe make her the godmother? Have a significant role in your pregnancy might help

MrsJ2522 · July 2015

potatocastillo said:
Honestly, I wish I could give you solid advice but having dealt with IF personally I can tell you there's really no magic way to address it. What I am learning now is that you just have to enjoy your pregnancy and try not to feel guilty that you are pregnant and she's not- I know that is hard, because most people are naturally empathetic, but there's really no way to make her feel better about you being pregnant, she has to process it however she is going to process it. If she has to totally shut you out, then just let her. Do not walk on egg shells and not enjoy your pregnancy because in the end it doesn't really change anything for either of you- you're still pregnant and she is still dealing with IF.

My SIL is a bitch. I just wanted to put it out there. She's a fucking bitch.

This is really well said. Couldn't have said it any better.

I did deal with IF myself but I wasn't going to be upset if my best friend told me news about getting pregnant herself. I would also not go as far as ignoring the child after it is born. There must be some more underlying issue there, maybe between you two personally that needs to be addressed. Either way, don't not enjoy your pregnancy because of her. Live that shit up!!!!

MrsJ2522 · July 2015

GABRIELLE2011 said:
Maybe make her the godmother? Have a significant role in your pregnancy might help

This is the last thing I would do. That's a pretty important role and for someone who wasn't there or happy during most of the pregnancy and after the birth too would not get that honor from me.

blueberrymomma · July 2015

Thanks ladies. I feel alittle better now. I've had a stress migraine for three days now. DH told his brother today(her husband) and he said it was good to tell him first. He's super excited but he has always been and loves DD to pieces. So we're going to tell SIL tonight and then tell the extended family tomorrow.
@tboslet There's no underlying issue on my side. I've always wanted to have a good relationship with my SILs especially since my family isn't in town. And I agree godparents are significant people in your child's life that are meant to help guide them and therefore need to be a positive presence in their lives.

I just found out that when DHs cousin told them last month they were expecting their first (and they are good friends) here reaction was "well don't flaunt it" instead of congratulations...

FreshBakedBrownies · July 2015

I dealt with 7 years of IF struggles before we had our son. Depending on what she's going through at the moment, she may not be able to muster up any smiles or excitement for your news.
I agree with previous comments that it's not personal. Infertility and facing never having your own child is just so unbearable at times, it's unimaginable. Forgive her inability to share in your joy and move on. She likely doesn't intend to treat you poorly, but if ignoring you or your baby is her coping mechanism, so be it. Don't let it get you down. That won't help either of you.

MrsJ2522 · July 2015

baya5 said:
Thanks ladies. I feel alittle better now. I've had a stress migraine for three days now. DH told his brother today(her husband) and he said it was good to tell him first. He's super excited but he has always been and loves DD to pieces. So we're going to tell SIL tonight and then tell the extended family tomorrow.
@tboslet There's no underlying issue on my side. I've always wanted to have a good relationship with my SILs especially since my family isn't in town. And I agree godparents are significant people in your child's life that are meant to help guide them and therefore need to be a positive presence in their lives.

I just found out that when DHs cousin told them last month they were expecting their first (and they are good friends) here reaction was "well don't flaunt it" instead of congratulations...

Yeah, I understand to a point that IF can cause bitterness towards those who can get pregnant but holy cow she needs to get over herself and stop making it about her. I'm sorry but your SIL is making me angry ~X( When she eventually gets pregnant how would she react if you or your DH's cousin acted like she did?

Well just enjoy your pregnancy! Sorry you have to deal with that at all

4N6s · July 2015

I've dealt with loss and yeah, it's hard to see others have successful pregnancies but it's not your fault she is having problems. Don't let her bring you down.

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