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November 2015 Moms
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Anyone else getting scared

tmandato1234tmandato1234 member
in November 2015 Moms
as a soon to be first time mom, I must admit, I'm petrified. I wonder if I'm really going to be the good mom everyone says I am. I wonder what if I'm not, can I really do this. I know everyone goes through these thoughts before or at least I hope but I want to make sure I give this baby the best life like my parents gave me. Thankfully I found a man that has been through hell and back and never left my side. But when he is at work and my mother in another state, me by myself. Can I really do it ? Is it bad that I'm thinking like this. Is it bad to have my hopes and my doubts in myself. This pregnancy was not planned. We tried in the past and ended up with a miscarriage and a ectopic pregnancy. I felt ready before but I guess that's because I didn't have a living human inside me, it was all a vision. Now it's real. Today I hit my 20 weeks. Leaving only 4 months left. I'm just as excited as I am nervous. Thank you for letting me vent and I apologize if my grammar and spelling is horrible.
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Re: Anyone else getting scared

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  • vanessacampbell@hotmail.comvanessacampbell@hotmail.com member
    edited July 2015

     

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  • vanessacampbell@hotmail.comvanessacampbell@hotmail.com member

    Hi

    I have to say I am also beyond terrified and feel overwhelmed. I keep thinking that I cannot do this also, and also don't really have a lot of close family. My husband is also amazing, but I still feel stressed and terrified about everything regardless. For the first three months I felt guilty for my feelings and then that just made me feel worse. But now I see that it is normal, as it is a huge life changing event and we have no idea what is in store for us.

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  • tmandato1234tmandato1234 member
    VexedMommy said:

    First, creepy internet hugs from me. 

    This is a completely normal feeling that I think most women go through at some point in their pregnancy.  Raising a child is a huge responsibility, and it can definitely produce some anxiety.  If you're feeling this way constantly or to the point where it's affecting your ability to complete your normal day to day tasks, talk to your doctor about it. 

    Is your anxiety about any specific aspect of caring for your child or is it sort of a giant wall of Holy Shit! coming at you?  Mine tends to be the giant wall variety so I've found it helpful to break it down into the little things.  Can I change a diaper?  Yup.  Can I feed a baby (breast or formula, hungry baby don't care?)  Yup.  Do I have a place for baby to sleep (boxes and drawers count?)  Yup.  If I've got those down, I'm golden. 

    A secret of motherhood is that you learn by doing what works for you and your family.  Most of us go into this with an idea of what kind of parent we want to be and that's awesome, but if you don't live up to your pre-parenthood expectations don't kick yourself.  As long as baby is healthy you're doing a good job. 

    Thank you for this post. My anxiety is more like holy shit. Iv worked with kids since I was 14 as a dance teacher. My friends had kids very young, so I got to have fun with that and when I was 20 my step mom had a baby so I got my practice with that. I guess what started to get my nerves going is when I went to eat with an old friend who has a 8 month old. She kept telling me get ready because blah blah and how hard it is for her. Which scared me. But I know how to clean a diaper. I have great support, more far then near but still. I never breast fed before but between putting a boob in a mouth, I think we all had that practice with our men lol I know how to bottle fed and we live in a nice community. I know I'll be able to do it but with the way I think, it's always the "what if's" is what scared me. I suffer from depression and stopped my meds. The pregnancy has made me not with drawl from it at all. I wonder if that is a sign. Also hormones don't help. My only living grandparent is in New York, the first thing she said when I told her was are you sure you are ready for this as prepared. I guess hearing the doubt from family, well her since she never really cared for me since she hated my mom & all I wanted was her to love me really hit the spot of "can I really do this"
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  • mamavbsmamavbs member
    On baby number 3 and I'm still nervous Hun. There are good days when I feel ready and then bad days. It all sort of clicks in to place along the way and it's only when you look back, that you realise you're totally handling it. And as @VexedMommy said, you will find what works best for your family. Try to take it little bits at a time.
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  • nursewhonursewho member
    I feel like your emotions are completely normal and you're certainly not alone. I'm a pretty anxious person and have had a bit of anxiety so far. Try to focus on the positive and exciting aspects of motherhood if you start having anxiety about the what ifs. Sometimes I just look through the clothes I've collected so far. Also, it might sound corny but I've found that meditating helps me cope with anxiety. I usually do a guided meditation (on YouTube) because it's a little easier to stay focused. It couldn't hurt to try! Good luck!
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  • RaisingJulianRaisingJulian member
    This is baby #2 for me and I'm petrified that I won't love this baby as much as I love my son. Or that my son won't adjust well to having a sibling. And then I feel guilty because there's certain things I'm doing for this baby now that I'm older that I didn't do for my son. I'm sure we're all nervous but I think we'll all be okay :)
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  • maura+cmaura+c member
    What vexedmommy said! Totally normal, I remember being very newly pregnant with my son and having the same conversation with my husband when we were at breakfast one morning. He assured me that everything would be fine and those instincts will definitely kick in!
    Your baby will learn a lot from you, but you were learn even more from your baby!
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  • thefithuntressthefithuntress member
    I get super existential about it sometimes and question my autonomy and new role I'm taking on as a mother. What about the person I am now? Will I still get to accomplish things? What about my career, etc.. I get scared/overwhelmed when I think of the big picture. But like everything I have a feeling that once it's happening and you're in it, you'll make the decisions you need to create the wonderful life you've always wanted. Plus you make a human who's going to love you and be with you through it all. I'm pretty excited about picking up a new "traveler" on this adventure. :)
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  • ButterbeansMama142ButterbeansMama142 member
    What has helped me a lot as a ftm is to sit myself down and remind myself that just like every pregnancy is different, every baby is different and so is every mommy. So long as baby and mommy are both happy and healthy you're doing it right. Everyone has a different idea of what the Mommy job description calls for. I saw above where someone mentioned instinct and she is toooo right. Anytime I ask for advice from any mommy friend they always add that in. You'll be fine!!! :)
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  • mamavbsmamavbs member
    @RaisingJulian I remember feeling this way before my second. I think that's a pretty common feeling with subsequent pregnancies and I can't explain how, but you will love them just as much!
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  • katiedhunterkatiedhunter member
    RaisingJulian said:

    This is baby #2 for me and I'm petrified that I won't love this baby as much as I love my son. Or that my son won't adjust well to having a sibling. And then I feel guilty because there's certain things I'm doing for this baby now that I'm older that I didn't do for my son. I'm sure we're all nervous but I think we'll all be okay :)

    I felt the same with my second, how could I possibly love this one as much as my first! But you do, it just happens and your heart grows. And my first DS adores his brother. I couldn't imagine life without him now! Do not feel guilty about anything. I'm sure when you had your first you did absolutely the best you could.

    As for the OP it's is absolutely normal to be nervous. I'd like to say it stops once baby is here, but it just turns into a different kind of nervous. But I've learned that if you follow your heart and your gut your doing exactly what is best for your baby. Just take a deep breath and know your not alone. :)
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  • tayzavtayzav member
    Ahhhh I feel exactly the same! I never wanted kids until I met my boyfriend. I don't even really care for kids, unless they're my close friends or my niece. I was married and it was never discussed until afterward, dumb I know, and that's one of the reasons it didn't work out. I don't talk to my mom, haven't for over five years. She had me at 16 and had two other kids from two other men. Neither of which have a relationship with her as well. I also don't know my dad. I just never wanted to be like her. I was an oral surgery assistant for 7.5 years, decided me and my BF would try to get pregnant, both had stable jobs, me with my career. My job was never kid friendly, at all. They wouldn't hire people because they had children. So when I got pregnant they treated me terribly, worse than ever before. I ended up having a MMC in November and my dr swears it may have had to do with the stress I was under about it. They knew we were going to try again as soon as my doctor released me, and canned me Jan making up every excuse under the sun. We had decided to wait as I needed to get myself figured out again, I live in a very small town and that particular office is the only oral surgery office in an hour and a half radius, so my qualifications for anything else are limited and finding a job would be a chore, specially making what I was making. Ended up pregnant. Of course. I'm beyond happy but the day I found out I just cried and cried because I felt like my mother. A loser with no job and I wouldn't be able to support myself or my child. I never want to have to rely on a man. So here I am, seven months later, still jobless, struggling every day, stressing every day, and my unemployment is two checks from running out. I know there's light at the end of the tunnel I just still can't see it. I'm currently in an active lawsuit with another previous employee suing the office we worked at for for verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, and sexual harassment. It goes far beyond them letting me go because of pregnancy. Anyway, I just feel like if I don't get situated my daughter will see it and I'll be an awful parent. I know they don't even go hand in hand but I can't help but think it. I'm having a whole change in my career starting in Jan which can't come fast enough. I can't wait to feel stable again and not be fighting with my BF about money.
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  • thefithuntressthefithuntress member
    tayzav said:

    Ahhhh I feel exactly the same! I never wanted kids until I met my boyfriend. I don't even really care for kids, unless they're my close friends or my niece. I was married and it was never discussed until afterward, dumb I know, and that's one of the reasons it didn't work out. I don't talk to my mom, haven't for over five years. She had me at 16 and had two other kids from two other men. Neither of which have a relationship with her as well. I also don't know my dad. I just never wanted to be like her. I was an oral surgery assistant for 7.5 years, decided me and my BF would try to get pregnant, both had stable jobs, me with my career. My job was never kid friendly, at all. They wouldn't hire people because they had children. So when I got pregnant they treated me terribly, worse than ever before. I ended up having a MMC in November and my dr swears it may have had to do with the stress I was under about it. They knew we were going to try again as soon as my doctor released me, and canned me Jan making up every excuse under the sun. We had decided to wait as I needed to get myself figured out again, I live in a very small town and that particular office is the only oral surgery office in an hour and a half radius, so my qualifications for anything else are limited and finding a job would be a chore, specially making what I was making. Ended up pregnant. Of course. I'm beyond happy but the day I found out I just cried and cried because I felt like my mother. A loser with no job and I wouldn't be able to support myself or my child. I never want to have to rely on a man. So here I am, seven months later, still jobless, struggling every day, stressing every day, and my unemployment is two checks from running out. I know there's light at the end of the tunnel I just still can't see it. I'm currently in an active lawsuit with another previous employee suing the office we worked at for for verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, and sexual harassment. It goes far beyond them letting me go because of pregnancy. Anyway, I just feel like if I don't get situated my daughter will see it and I'll be an awful parent. I know they don't even go hand in hand but I can't help but think it. I'm having a whole change in my career starting in Jan which can't come fast enough. I can't wait to feel stable again and not be fighting with my BF about money.

    *hugs* I'm sorry, @tayzav. FWIW I learn more and more about my shitty dad and how hard it was for my mom to raise me now that I'm pregnant. Apparently she went through most of her pregnancy alone and once she did have me he didn't want anything to do with us. She was jobless, worked part time, then eventually got a full time job, all with the help of my grandparents when things were tough. I just want you to know that your daughter will always love and be proud of you. She won't see your struggles as weakness, but what makes you an amazing mom. You're always going to be a hero in her eyes so don't stress yourself out about it!
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  • tayzavtayzav member
    @thefithuntress Thank you! You're the best.
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  • nursewhonursewho member
    tayzav said:

    Ahhhh I feel exactly the same! I never wanted kids until I met my boyfriend. I don't even really care for kids, unless they're my close friends or my niece. I was married and it was never discussed until afterward, dumb I know, and that's one of the reasons it didn't work out. I don't talk to my mom, haven't for over five years. She had me at 16 and had two other kids from two other men. Neither of which have a relationship with her as well. I also don't know my dad. I just never wanted to be like her. I was an oral surgery assistant for 7.5 years, decided me and my BF would try to get pregnant, both had stable jobs, me with my career. My job was never kid friendly, at all. They wouldn't hire people because they had children. So when I got pregnant they treated me terribly, worse than ever before. I ended up having a MMC in November and my dr swears it may have had to do with the stress I was under about it. They knew we were going to try again as soon as my doctor released me, and canned me Jan making up every excuse under the sun. We had decided to wait as I needed to get myself figured out again, I live in a very small town and that particular office is the only oral surgery office in an hour and a half radius, so my qualifications for anything else are limited and finding a job would be a chore, specially making what I was making. Ended up pregnant. Of course. I'm beyond happy but the day I found out I just cried and cried because I felt like my mother. A loser with no job and I wouldn't be able to support myself or my child. I never want to have to rely on a man. So here I am, seven months later, still jobless, struggling every day, stressing every day, and my unemployment is two checks from running out. I know there's light at the end of the tunnel I just still can't see it. I'm currently in an active lawsuit with another previous employee suing the office we worked at for for verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, and sexual harassment. It goes far beyond them letting me go because of pregnancy. Anyway, I just feel like if I don't get situated my daughter will see it and I'll be an awful parent. I know they don't even go hand in hand but I can't help but think it. I'm having a whole change in my career starting in Jan which can't come fast enough. I can't wait to feel stable again and not be fighting with my BF about money.

    I can feel you a little bit here! I have a relationship with my mom now but it's not a good one! She's mentally ill, very emotionally abusive and very difficult to deal with sometimes. She does everything in the world for my brother but my sister and I struggle with our relationships with her. My sister doesn't talk to her and hasn't for several years. I think this is why I freaked out a little when I found out I'm having a girl. I'm excited to have a daughter but nervous because of my experience with mother-daughter relationships. In the end, I know that I just need to show her love and kindness. My best friend keeps telling me I'll be okay because I care. I've actually become excited to build the mother-daughter relationship with her that I never had with my mom. I think the same goes with you. The fact that you're so concerned about being a good mom shows that you're already above your mother's level. I think you'll be a great mom! And like my DH says, here's a chance at having the family life you were denied as a child. What a lucky baby you have!
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  • tayzavtayzav member
    @nursewho Awh you're so right. I definitely want to give to my daughter what my mom couldn't, and chose not to. You're going to be a great momma too. ;)
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