Sisters, Midwives and Doulas

Angiem214 · July 2015

I haven't been a very active member of this community, but I just feel like I need support right now and don't know where else to turn.

And maybe some opinions on what some other people have done when they are in a similar situation might help me.

I am 20 weeks today and due November 27. This is my first baby and I'm feeling very new to this. I have gotten a lot of advice from so many people, especially my sister. She does not have children yet, but is very into learning and giving me information. Sometimes, this can be helpful, but sometimes I just feel like she is breathing down my neck. I have not gone crazy looking into every thing about birthing because I tend to get anxious and don't feel like that would be the best thing for me or my baby right now. She is freaking me out and making me feel like I am totally unprepared! I tell her things I'm going through and instead of just listening, she is constantly giving me advice.

The midwifery thing has been so hard! I did not get in with a midwife as in my area as the options are very limited. I am so bummed about this because now I have to see a different doctor at a low risk clinic every time I go in. I am thinking about a doula now instead, just to have that extra support with me and to help me with a birth plan. This is also something I am freaking out about because my sister is really pushing me to do it. I want to, but cost is an issue, where midwives would not have been as they are covered in Alberta. I am just having a really hard time deciding. I also haven't done any birthing classes yet, but still plan to and again, my sister is making this and everything feel very urgent and that I have to figure it all out now. I know that I'm probably late to the game of getting everything figured out, but I have really been enjoying the journey so far. Does this make me naive?? I feel so confused right now!

Lolo427 · July 2015

Whew! First off, relax and take a breath girl! It sounds like your sister is so eager to help that she's causing more of a hinderance with all of this anxiety she's inducing. You are not even remotely late to anything, you still have plentyyyy of time to figure things out and make decisions. Doulas are awesome, but definitely cost can be a setback ( I personally would love one, but it's not just in our budget), but there are sites that show you competitive rates on your local ones. For me, we aren't recommended to do our big birthing classes until about 8-10 weeks out of our birth. (With my due date 11/2 we're not taking them until September) Every class and time line is different but you definitely have more than enough time to get that done and to have time to feel prepared. Take the time and ABSOLUTELY enjoy the feelings and experience you're having if that's what you want to do. Perhaps you can gently express to your sister that yes, while you appreciate the support and advice, it's making you feel rushed and un-necessarily worried. It's hard listening to someone shell out advice when they themselves are getting it from Dr. Google.

All the best!

Angiem214 · July 2015

Lolo427

Thank you so much for your input! That actually did help make me feel better and more normal!

EMLarie · July 2015

Hi! You don't need this stress for sure. Just to clear some things up because I didn't understand one thing in your post-- when you said you wanted to "get a doula instead", what did you mean? Instead of what?

Your sister seems excited and interested, which is good but if it is causing more harm than good, maybe it's time to talk to her. This is your pregnancy and will be your labor, so you should do the things you want to do, not her. If it's in the cards for your sister, she will have her time to do this for herself.

Let me just say that it is not too late for a doula and many of them are low-cost-- some even free if they're in training and need to attend so many births. The best thing to do is interview them to see who might make you the most comfortable. If there is a natural baby store in your area, I'd bet you would find a bulletin board there with several business cards for doulas. You can also search online, which is what I did both times. I hired one for my first baby when I was around 34 weeks and she cost $375. My current doula is a bit more expensive-- $550 but she was available. Both of these women gave me support before, during and after labor.

You're not naïve. In my opinion, even those of us who plan, plan, plan still don't know what hit them when baby comes. I don't know a single mother who can look back pre-baby and say that they did everything right. Keep on enjoying your journey!

KeHill08 · July 2015

This is my first as well and as far as giving birth goes, I'm feeling surprisingly calm. I figure I'm in good hands and the doctors know what they are doing, and I'm sure that's the case for you as well. I see a different doctor at every appointment, because that's just how it is on post. I guess it doesn't really bother me because they have all my information when they see me so they know what's going on and are going to do whatever is in my best interest. Also, there's no saying that when you go into labor you would have your regular OB there delivering your baby anyway. It will probably be whoever is on call. As long as you have some sort of birthing plan, I'm sure it will be fine. You have plenty of time to figure out what you want that plan to be yet. As far as your sister, I can appreciate where how you're feeling. My sister tries telling me I should or shouldn't do something, what she learned about, etc. She's a nurse so while she did take classes on it, and is really smart to begin with, she hasn't actually been through it so sometimes I'll discuss whatever it is with her, but other times I tell her I'll ask the doctor about it at my next apappointment. I've already heard well, do you want me to ask this midwife I had as a teacher? I just said sure, if you want to but I'm going to ask the doctor and go with what he/she says. Try to not let her get to you too much. Just let what she says go in one ear and out the other if it's stressing you out too much, driving your anxiety levels up, and scaring you. And by the way, I don't think you're naive. I think you're doing what you need to do and that enjoying the journey is perfectly wonderful. It will be over before we all know it, so we should appreciate it while we can!

thefithuntress · July 2015

First off, no offense to your sister, but it's not her place to tell you how to give birth. This is your baby and your plan! I'm going the midwifery/doula route and the latter couldn't emphasize the importance of the mother being comfortable above all more. In fact, she was relieved when I told her it would just be me and my husband in the room and my mom wouldn't be there- apparently family gets nervous often. Make sure you are surrounded with good people who encourage and support you, not pressure you.

Second, birth scared me too so I started reading Ina May Gaskin's books. She's crunchy and has a birthing center in rural Tennessee but the accounts and chapters about birth made me feel much more comfortable. It's nothing to be afraid of. We've been doing it for 200,000 years.

Third I echo what the previous posters said. If budget is an issue bring it up with potential doulas. I've never heard of or read up on any who refuse to be flexible with payment.

You got this, mama.

katiedhunter · July 2015

Take a breath and relax. You are not behind on anything, you've got plenty of time. I'm also in Alberta!

My best friends sister is a doula pm me if you'd like, maybe she is in your area. Most of all you need to be comfortable with what you choose not your sister. Let's just hope she is this enthusiastic when it comes to you needing a sitter for a much needed break after baby arrives!

Family is the best free childcare! Lol

Pontot31 · July 2015

I also second Ina May's books.

I had a doula last time and will again. My husband actually said he never wants to do this again with out a doula! She was so much help.

Look around for student doulas. Many times they work on a sliding scale or for very little because they need a certain amount of birthing experience because they can get certified.

And tell your sister how you feel! Say you appreciate the help but you only want info or feedback if you ask. Tell her she's stressing you out!

VexedMommy · July 2015

All of the pp's have given great advice. Let your sister know the anxiety she's causing you completely unnecessarily. She has no children and so no experience with what she's talking about.

RaisingJulian · July 2015

You don't need to stress so much. With my son I didn't take any birthing classes or anything like that because I was embarrassed ( I was only 17 ) and everything turned out great and exactly how I'd hoped. I never had any experience with a doula but from what I've heard it's a great experience. Also like others have said I would talk to ur sister. Sounds like she's stressing u over things that aren't necessary right this second. I won't start preparing til the end of September (I'm due 11/26) this time. So just relax and enjoy it all! It's a happy time right now.

Angiem214 · July 2015

Thank you all so much! I feel a heck of a lot better and feel very supported!

and phew! I don't feel as rushed and like I have time to get a grasp on everything.
I spoke with my sister and she did apologize and said she didn't want me to feel like this. She also said that she thinks it's better to just know everything, which I disagree with, but that's okay.
When I said I was thinking of getting a doula instead, I meant instead of a midwife as that is no longer and option. (Sorry I'm not sure how to reply directly to someone :-/)
I will be checking in with doulas this week and seeing what my options are.
Thanks again for all the thoughts and advice!!

sarahsnowball · July 2015

Angiem214 said:
Thank you all so much! I feel a heck of a lot better and feel very supported! and phew! I don't feel as rushed and like I have time to get a grasp on everything.
I spoke with my sister and she did apologize and said she didn't want me to feel like this. She also said that she thinks it's better to just know everything, which I disagree with, but that's okay.
When I said I was thinking of getting a doula instead, I meant instead of a midwife as that is no longer and option. (Sorry I'm not sure how to reply directly to someone :-/)
I will be checking in with doulas this week and seeing what my options are.
Thanks again for all the thoughts and advice!!

I'm glad you managed to clear things up with your sister. If and when you do feel ready to actually think about childbirth, I just wanted to echo PPs by saying Ina May's Guide To Childbirth is a great resource. I bought a copy this week and I am part way through a long chapter of birth stories - it's actually really empowering to be reminded that my body was made for this

geologynerd · July 2015

Where in Alberta are you? I'm in the Capital Region and lucked out on a great doula. She's a student doing her practicum and is super cheap as a result. Send me an email at geology.nerd@gmail.com and I can help you connect with her if you're in the Capital Region.
PS this is my "junk e-mail" address so I'm not giving out personal info before anyone jumps on me

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