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October 2015 Moms
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Have you had "the talk" yet?

mommy_wife_nursemommy_wife_nurse member
in October 2015 Moms
Hi ladies! There are a few threads awhile back discussing on who we plan on having in the delivery and/or waiting rooms. We also discussed how to tell our plans to everyone. I thought we could follow up.

*** My question is... Have you had that talk yet? Did it go as planned/what were the reactions? ***

I'm having my boyfriend and our photographer (she is also a certified doula) in the delivery room and nobody in the waiting room. We will text immediate family when we go to the hospital, and again when we are ready for visitors. We explained how our hospital is big into kangaroo care (yay!) And it will likely be 1-3 hrs after delivery when we'll be ready for visitors. We've told my grandma (she's my best friend, weird? Oh well.) And she thought that was great and if anyone's offended, that's their problem. I was happy with the first step of sharing our plans!
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Re: Have you had "the talk" yet?

  • LiveNLove44LiveNLove44 member
    It's too early for us. This is our second and I know that we should wait to bring it up until the final month. It'll be more real then and my in-laws will hopefully recognize that whether they are in the room or not, the wait is short and they'll see the LO soon enough. I am actually hoping we'll arrange to have them stay with DD for a night, so I think they'll feel good about it!
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  • mandy903mandy903 member
    This is my third and all my sisters have babies so it's almost like old news in my family. They know to text if they want to visit. They know they won't be in room for delivery (except hubby and my mom) and I don't care if they wait in waiting room to see baby in nursery and after I'm settled in my post partum room. All my sisters are very private people especially when they had their babies so they are very considerate when wanting to see baby. My mil lives out of state thank God and we will update my father in law and he may visit after but probably won't. ..
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  • beckles112beckles112 member
    We told everyone it was just going to be us in the room for delivery. I don't mind our moms and our sisters to be in the room prior to delivery up until a point when I feel I can't handle anyone being in there. We told them they are also going to have to wait an hour or two after the baby is born for us to have time with him. We didn't have any complaints on any of it, but if we had I would have been quick to tell them to go have their own baby if they wanted it to go differently.
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  • MandahGirlyMandahGirly member
    My mom actually brought it up and said she was completely fine with not being in the delivery room. She said it was a specia time for just the two of us. She did say that she wants us to call her when we go to the hospital because she does want to be in the waiting room. I told her we would probably wait to call until we had an idea of how far along we were in the process. We live about 10 minutes away from the hospital and my parents and ILs live about an hour away so I don't want them waiting forever. I'm not sure if DH has talked to his mom but I am sure she agrees as well.
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  • mommy_wife_nursemommy_wife_nurse member
    @beckles112 I love the response you had ready if they would have complained! :)
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  • Sweet Sadie MaeSweet Sadie Mae member
    I've casually mentioned it and our parents haven't really said anything but I think they will understand. I really want to have my hour with baby and skin to skin as well as my husband having some bonding time with him too and I need time to get the whole breastfeeding thing down before people start knocking each other over to see the new baby and I'm going to explain all that when it's closer to the due date.
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  • mommabear2410mommabear2410 member
    Will for sure be having my SO and my mom in the room...having a hard time deciding whether or not I will have my best friend in the room...I feel like it may be too many people but I would love to have some great shots of us immediately after the birth and she is wonderful with that. Tough decisions!!!
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  • elmann1elmann1 member
    Only hubs will be in the delivery room with me and my parents and 2 brothers will be in the waiting room. My mom made it very clear that it's a special time for DH and I and no one else should be in the room with us. I can't wait to see them with baby girl afterwards though! 
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  • beckles112beckles112 member
    mlobrummond said:

    @beckles112 I love the response you had ready if they would have complained! :)

    I've had to use it quite a bit!
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  • CCasey2015CCasey2015 member
    beckles112 said:

    We told everyone it was just going to be us in the room for delivery. I don't mind our moms and our sisters to be in the room prior to delivery up until a point when I feel I can't handle anyone being in there. We told them they are also going to have to wait an hour or two after the baby is born for us to have time with him. We didn't have any complaints on any of it, but if we had I would have been quick to tell them to go have their own baby if they wanted it to go differently.


    I love it! "Go have their own baby if they wanted it to go differently" ... Definitely sounds like something I would say LOL!
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  • 102215duryee102215duryee member
    We are waiting to talk to the IL's about it closer to our due date. We honestly wouldn't tell them our plans at all and would do things the way we are wanting with just my husband and I but we aren't sure where our DD will be. I want her to be the first to meet her sister after delivery, but if its my IL's watching her, they will insist they come in at the same time as my DD and we don't want that. So we are still trying to figure out the logistics of that.
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  • gerbiesgerbies member
    Sounds like a good plan. As an aside, I don't understand why anyone would "choose" to hang out in the waiting for who knows how long ? I am not sure what the point is? I think the best approach is for the husband to call key people who are not in the delivery room once the baby is born. Then they can make arrangements to see baby. Sitting in a waiting room seems like a huge waste of someone's time..they don't get to see baby any sooner. Just an opinion...
    Me: 39
    DH: 39

    TTC: #3 - first cycle TTC - 10/2014
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    Preg #2 - PTL @ 30.1 weeks - Kellen born @ 3 lbs. 5 oz in Jan 2010 - My Pride and Joy
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  • kirsty100kirsty100 member
    Do I need to tell people my plans it's just going to be my boyfriend and myself, no one else was there when the baby was made so they sure aren't going to be there when she's born, my mums fine with that. I don't feel the need to have this discussion with my Inlaws everyone as in close family will get a message few hours after, when we are both ready to have people visit. I may have my mum for support for my boyfriend as she doesn't over step boundaries, plus she hates blood and all that so I know she wouldn't want to come in. I don't feel need to have this talk with my inlaws..... Because I know my mother Inlaw with have a dummy spit, I really am not in the mood for her petty drama it's not her baby it's my boyfriends and mine so she needs to understand shell get a message or call. when we are ready otherwise she's type person who will either rock up and carry on or constantly message and call during the process and that's way to much for me.
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  • millette2015millette2015 member
    I honestly didn't even think of having "the talk". I figured anyone who wanted to be there would ask, and I would address it then. My parents are aware of the plan, but that's because they are from out of town and were asking when I wanted them to be there.  They took it well and plan to come for a week to help me out AFTER baby is here and we are back home, when my husband has to go back to work. 

    Our plan is to just have my husband and I in the room, and anyone else can come see us after baby comes (as in, at least a few hours after. When I've cleaned up a bit and we've bonded with our little man). I say that is our plan though, because shit happens lol. My husband works out of town and I am a wee bit concerned that I will go into labour while he's gone, and it takes him a good 5 hours to get back, at least. In which case, whatever sucker I call crying that I'm in labour and need some help is going to be in the delivery room until my husband shows up! 
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  • dparker721dparker721 member
    I haven't had this talk and probably won't unless someone asks. My mom has no desire to be in the delivery room though, so it will just be my husband and I. I'm sure my parents will come to the hospital to visit after she's born and I have a couple of other close family members that will visit too. We're ok with that.

    I've talked about my MIL drama before but she doesn't drive and the hospital we'll be at is about 45 minutes away from home so she'll have to find someone to bring her after we call her, so I feel confident that I won't have to deal with her. In fact, I'd be surprised if any of his family visited in the hospital.
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  • Rachel623Rachel623 member
    This is our second. With our first I was clear that I wanted nobody but DH in the room for delivery and said my mom who is an eight hour drive away could be there before delivery but only if I was up for it and she made it in time. I also was clear that wanted no visitors for at least an hour to bond.

    My mom was perfectly fine with this. In laws were a different story. They roll like ten deep at every birth and wanted to be in the room during labor and right after delivery. Everyone but MIL understood once I explained what I wanted and why.

    MIL insisted on being there the entire time. We told her no and she said she was coming anyway because it was her first granddaughter and she'd been there for her grandsons. DH explained our reasons and that I am not like SIL but she was still insistent.

    The kicker was when some friends told me about her discussing it at my shower. She told people that she was going to be there to "catch" the baby and bring her out to introduce to family. She just didn't get it.

    Luckily DH and I were on the same page. He told her that we'd call her when we were ready for visitors and that was it. She didn't even know I was in labor until 30 hours later when the plan changed to an emergency/urgent c-section at 9 pm. He called as I was being wheeled into the OR. She came to visit the next afternoon with uninvited cousins and was clearly pissed.

    She got over it and hasn't said a peep about this one. It will be a scheduled c-section so a bit less stressful/ traumatic than our first. Plan is to have my mom who will be with LO bring her in the afternoon a few hours after new baby is here. After that other family is allowed but I want LO up meet her little sister first and have done alone time as a family. I have a feeling MIL will be on board when I tell her.
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  • BRBaby1012BRBaby1012 member
    We've talked with my mom, and she plans to be here before the birth. She and her husband will wait in the waiting area, and he will leave the day I'm discharged from the hospital so that my mom can help. 

    We haven't had the talk with the inlaws yet, but we plan on giving them options of either coming up when I go into labor and staying in a hotel or coming up about a week after the birth.

    It's amazing how making these decisions and communicating them in a way that hopefully avoids hurt feelings can be more stressful than the actual pregnancy!
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  • mrsdhouse89mrsdhouse89 member
    This time is very different for us since its a planned c section. My father in law and my mother are both quick to not listen when it comes to our son and get him worked up with questions and put way too much attention on him when he is shy and my fear is if those two are around when he meets his sister that he will break down from being so shy and I won't be able to comfort him as easily since I'll still be drugged up. My husband is fine with whatever I decide I want to do to make things the most comfortable and agrees about our son needing his own time to adjust.

    I decided that once baby is here whoever has our son will bring him up and my husband will meet them in the waiting area to get my son. It will be just myself, my husband, and our son who will be with our daughter until my son doesn't seem interested anymore. He is four and I want him as comfortable as can be before we start inviting everyone in. He's not like I was at that age and gets embarrassed really easily. I don't think it's asking too much for everyone to give us this time.

    Everyone met my son before I did because my labor with him was so hard, I just want this time around to be more special for us as a family.

    I'm not being selfish right?
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  • mommy_wife_nursemommy_wife_nurse member
    beckles112 said:

    MariahOBrien said:

    The title of this thread brought me back to when I was thirteen and my mother sat me down and tried to talk to me about sexual intercourse, and I just looked her dead in the eyes and screamed "I DON'T CARE ABOUT BOYS OR SEX, MOM!!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT HORSES!!!!!"

    But in regards to the original question, I told my family that I would prefer just to have my husband in the delivery room. Everyone is totally cool with it.

    ETA: a damn comma

    Haha I love that! When I read the title my first thought was "well I think we all managed to figure out how sex works." ;)
    My bad! I thought that too after I posted it and thought I should change it, then I got distracted and forgot. Oops! I hope we all know how sex works! ;)

    @mrsdhouse89 I don't think you're being selfish at all! Even with this being our first I want us to have a new family "moment" before we invite the grandparents, etc. in. My boyfriend thought it was weird to not have them waiting in the waiting room, but as PP said, I don't think that's fair for them, and it doesn't get them to see baby any faster. I feel like I would feel pressured to "be fast" (if such a thing) if people were waiting. It would just make me anxious.
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  • JaqiDec04JaqiDec04 member
    I have not had the talk this time around with anyone. With my first, I casually brought it up that I just wanted it to be me & DH. I could tell my Mom was a little upset, but she can be a little bit of a "helicopter" so I knew this would be tough for her.

    It ended up being DH, me, BFF, and my Mom for most of my delivery. Near the end, they had to leave for the epidural, and I knew I didn't want them to come back. I ended up in an emergency c-section a short time later, and I was glad my mom was there, because I know my DH was scared to death.

    This time around, I'm a RCS, so my Mom will be coming down to stay with DD while I'm in the hospital, and she will bring her to meet the baby when we are out of surgery. Since we are 4 hours away from all our friends and family, I'm going to guess I'm not going to have to worry about too many drop in visitors.
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  • mandala1107mandala1107 member
    I don't think any of this is selfish. I was insistent that I didn't even want people in the waiting room for DDs birth and we were going to call everyone afterward to let them know. Well, plans changed. My husband said that if they want to bore themselves in the waiting room for hours, that's their decision. All of our family was there for HOURS and by the time our daughter was born by unplanned section, it was past visiting hours. About two hours after I returned to my recovery room, hubs wheeled the bassinet thing to the glass doors so everyone could see her and then they left. I was very thankful to have the night to recuperate before visitors started showing up the next day. I had a rough labor and surgery. Hubs was supportive of this because I gave in a little.

    This time is a planned section so I'm not sure what to expect. I told hubs I don't want people there, again, and he said this is not just our baby. Although a part of me agrees, he is not the one being cut open here, so I feel I should have more of a say. I just know how horrible I felt last time and I don't want to feel that way in front of visitors. If you can't tell, we are still discussing it. I know my family will be supportive of whatever I decide, and his mom will be pissed just like before. She will get over it, but I don't want hubby to be upset, so I'm sure I will make some concessions, but I will NOT have visitors before I'm ready. He can forget that.
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  • morganabyrdmorganabyrd member
    edited July 2015
    DH and I actually had our first real discussion on this last night! Our hospital is 10 minutes away from both sets of grandparents, and I feel like knowing they were in the waiting room will make me anxious, too. We decided to tell them we will update them via text during labor and they are welcome to do what they want, as far as waiting at the hospital or at home. I have a feeling my dad will be no where other than in the waiting room since his baby girl is having a baby, but my ILs will only come wait at hospital if they know my folks are. Can't have someone one-up :) But, it would be their choices to make so it won't make me feel pressed.

    We're still thinking this one through, but I also told DH that I think I'd like to have each set of grandparents come in separately after birth. All of the sudden 4 people at once is kind of stressing me out right now. But we will see!
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  • spnobbespnobbe member
    This will be our second and it's only going be me and my husband in the delivery room and no one in the waiting room. We are having a scheduled c-section and my mil will be home with dd. We will text everyone after he is born and then they will come. Since it will in the morning everyone will come after work so we will have a couple hours by ourselves. It was really nice with our first because I went early and had her early Friday morning and no one came till after work. So that's the plan this time except mil will bring dd to see her brother. So she will be here for awhile but I'm ok with this because it will be the first time she has been at the hospital to see one of her grandkids. She lives 4 hours from us and we are closest out of all her kids.
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