I just don't know anymore

mariamora2015 · July 2015

Sorry I'm posting this on here but I just need advice or help... well this is my second pregnancy I have my healthy three year old daughter and I am expecting a boy and am due in October. My boyfriend (father of our children) and I have been together for five years we are both teen parents. We broke up for a year and he was out of my daughters life for that year because he wasn't mature enough to raise a child, he preferred partying, drinking, hanging out with friends including my supposedly best girl friend. I on the other hand continued to go to school although I didn't have all the free time in the world to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted but I managed to go out with friends including guy friends, went to school, did fundraisers, worked, helped around at my moms house (since i lived there). He went to jail for 50 days because he violated probation violations he got caught drinking and driving. while in jail he would call me, write me letters, and at the end we ended up getting a place together again. well here I am 6 1/2 months pregnant and things are starting to change. I have caught him texting other girls and that includes sexting as well. We argue most of the time, I try not to argue in front of my daughter but sometimes things get out of hand and it happens unfortunately. He blames me for "raising our daughter wrong" what can I say she was 1 when he walked out of his life and barely had turned 2 when he came back... honestly that doesn't affect me because of course with me pursuing a career in early childhood and working in a preschool classroom I know she is not going to sit still when you tell her to, and she will yell, stomp her feet etc. but where was he? he tells me i let her do everything she wants which in my opinion i think that is not true shes 3 she wants to explore the outside world and i tell her what she can and can not do. I did not want to have another child because I personally knew we weren't ready to have another child but I was no longer on birth control and he wasn't using protection (obviously I should of expected to end up pregnant) but here I am and babies are blessings. But here i go again he also tells me I don't do nothing around the house in which I do.. i was going to school fulltime taking care of our daughter coming home to clean and cook, he also has a drinking problem, he tries to hit our daughter because "she won't listen" but i do not allow him to (he was raised being hit all the time and I was spanked here and their but not as much) I am not saying we don't spank her once in a while but he constantly has to yell at her and threatening her to hit her. I as a mandated reporter do not want to have to report this to DHS because they will take my daughter away. I want to leave the house but I do not know where to go, I can't go back to my parents because five people live there and it's only a 4 bedroom house my little sister took over my old room and me with two children will just be a chaos . I am not currently working since I am pregnant. I should of listened to my mom she always said he wasn't for me that he would never change and she always told me to take care of myself but I did not listen and now I am facing the consequences. If anybody has any advice or could help me please i beg for your help

Motomama67 · July 2015

Bless your heart.. Gosh this is a tough one... You can't have your children in an alcoholic environment. there is nothing good about that.. I grew up in with an alcoholic mother and it was terrible. His cheating ways will probably never stop. Especially if this second pregnancy hasn't changed him after loosing his family once before. You should seek help from your family. Of course it will be hectic for a little while until you get on your feet but sometimes you have to endure the storm to experience the rainbow. You should get out. Look into getting a pregnancy friendly job, maybe retail or a receptionist. With time things will fall into place. I promise

Ceridwen77 · July 2015

Living in a house with 5 other people sounds a lot less chaotic than your current situation. Do what's in the best interest of your children and yourself and get out of this situation.

modanz1 · July 2015

Ceridwen77 said:

Living in a house with 5 other people sounds a lot less chaotic than your current situation. Do what's in the best interest of your children and yourself and get out of this situation.

This. This guys sounds like a tool. I dated several when I was your age....don't beat yourself up just do whatever you need to to get out. It sounds like your mom knows this isn't a good situation for you. I am sure she would rather her house be a little hectic than you put yourself and her grandchildren in a potentially dangerous situation. Have you told her what you told us?

whit3183 · July 2015

I am sorry that you're in such a difficult situation, especially being pregnant and already having a little one to raise! It sounds like you are doing your best and that you're a caring mom to your daughter.

First, you stated that you aren't working because you're pregnant -- is this due to a doctor's orders? If you're still able to work, I would look into getting a job -- any job -- (assuming you have childcare for your daughter) so that you can start saving money to get away from your significant other.

I agree that it might be better to live in a crowded house for now, if that's an option. Once you are earning money again, maybe you could also look into Section 8 (low income) housing?

Best of luck to you!

hammy_711 · July 2015

To an outsider, this sounds crazy, but I know things are different when you are in the situation. As someone older (38 now), I would strongly urge you to get far away from this guy. He sounds like an immature loser who would have nothing positive to add to your life (and kid's lives for sure!). As for hitting your kids, are you crazy to stay with him? Your job is to protect them. I would think that 3 yrs old is too young to spank and I don't believe it is ever the best solution. I have a 2 1/2 yr old and there are many other alternative techniques. My message may seem harsh, but you have the chance now to redefine your life and your kid's lives. Don't waste another second in a bad situation!

star8627 · July 2015

You need to put your children first and suck up the crowded situation at your parents. Right now, you are allowing them to be in an abusive environment which will affect them later in life. It is hard I know, but in your 30s you will look back and know you made the right choice.

koriemo · July 2015

You know what to do- get away from him! Can you look into services for pregnant women in your area? I know in my area various charity organizations offer apartments or rooms for pregnant women or women with children. Maybe you could stay with your parents until you figure out something else!

anelalii · July 2015

You need to leave him and do what you have to do to keep your babies safe. I would be out the second he threatened to touch my daughter, especially if he's drinking. You're putting your children and yourself in unnecessary danger. leave now!

allrightmeow · July 2015

You need to get out of there.

groovylocks · July 2015

You've made a bad choice in him. Twice. The third bad choice is staying.

Everybody makes bad choices but it's time to learn from them. You're doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. That won't happen.

Seriously. It's not going to get better. There is no advice anybody can give you that is going to magically turn him into a functional member of society. You're giving you and your kids a life sentence hanging onto trash like this guy.

So it's time to go. Don't subject your kids to a hot mess because you don't want to be alone or live with your parents. It sounds like living with your folks is probably something you need right now since you're having a rough time making sound choices. (Sorry. But this is the truth and you deserve to hear it because you deserve better.) You won't be there forever. Just until you get stuff together.

cMichelle0423 · July 2015

Ceridwen77 said:
Living in a house with 5 other people sounds a lot less chaotic than your current situation. Do what's in the best interest of your children and yourself and get out of this situation.

100% agree with this. You're putting yourself and your daughter in danger living with an alcoholic. Leave him now and see what you can do about child support. I'd talk to a lawyer about all that as well as getting full custody of your daughter until her father is stable and ready to be a parent. A child should never have to be put in that type of situation. It's your job as her mother to protect her.

jencook25 · July 2015

Hey love, Im so sorry you're in this situation. And I cant commend you enough of having the strength to vocalise that this is not the situation you want to be in.. It's a very important first step.
About 18 months ago myself, along with my siblings, helped my sister escape her abusive relationship. Shes incredibly smart (a pharmacist), lovely, polite woman with high standards...understand that women from all walks of life do end up in similar situations. It sounds like you've done incredibly continuing your education, pursuing a career and raising a lovely little one. I'm sorry, but at present your boyfriend can only be described as dead-beat. You really need to get yourself and your little one out of the situation. I know it will be crowded in your parents house, and you will probably feel like a burden, but it is much better than the situation you are in now. I strongly encourage you to open up about your feelings to your family, and your plans to get away, at the very least. Also, connect with a network supporting single mums, domestic violence group etc. My sister found that support invaluable. Abuse isnt always physical or explosive, it can be like a dripping tap, and eventually you feel like those drips are drowning you. My sisters husband was never physically abusive- he preferred snide comments, mind games, belittling, controlling, and set unrealistic expectations on her and the kids. Please get yourself out of the situation as soon as you can! Yes, it wont be easy, but in the long run it will mean a much better life for you and your kids!

neferhathor · July 2015

You should reach out to your parents immediately. Think about if your own daughter was in this situation one day. Would you do something to help her and her children? Of course you would. Even though your sister moved into your old bedroom, and she probably doesnt want to give that up, it's better to deal with a sister with an attitude than an abusive and alcoholic partner. Your family loves you and if you feel safe and secure in their home, that's where you should go. As far as getting a job at this point, it's not very likely that you will, unfortunately. Unless you know someone who will connect you with a job, companies will not likely hire a pregnant woman who will need to leave in a few months. You might have luck in something seasonal, like a retailer who needs summer help. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Your top priority is to care for and protect your daughter and your new baby, and you deserve so much more than this loser. I agree with a previous poster who suggested getting full custody of your children. You should also get yourself tested at your next OB appointment if you think your boyfriend might have slept with someone. Good luck! The first step is the hardest and you are obviously a strong woman.