Not sure what to make of all of this...rant

NTHBubs119 · July 2015

Ok ladies, I am going to get a bit personal here. I trust you ladies and i value your input. I feel like i can't really go to many friends or relatives about this.

So, this has to do with my marriage. First off, let me say that DH is a great dad and would do anything for our family. We have been under a lot of stress lately. With work hours being cut and us taking a financial hit, pregnancy complications, family drama and so on...we have not been the couple that we normally are. On top of that, it has taken a toll on us romantically as well. I feel that he would rather sit in front of his computer or play his guitar then spend time with me. There is not much intimacy at all at this point. I have tried talking with him about it and he thinks that my hormones are getting the best of me and that i am crazy. I offer to cuddle on the couch or in bed and he always tells me "I'll be there in a minute" and by the time his "minute" rolls by, i have already fallen asleep. This seems to be a daily occurrence.

The most recent thing that i has gotten me so upset is the fact that I have noticed he has been watching porn. I know some ladies are ok with it, but I am not. I feel so betrayed over it all. When i confronted him about it, he was very honest and upfront. He would have a hard time lying to me anyway. This is the first time that this has been an issue in our marriage and I feel so defeated. I have been battling with this for the past 3 weeks. Sex at this point in non-existent. I even went out of my way one night to try to have a special evening with him. After DS went to bed, i got myself all dolled up...hair done and make-up, cute outfit, and i picked one if his favorite movies in hopes that would get his to spend some special time with me. But...no...he decided that it would be more fun to take his guitar in the bedroom and play for 2 hours.

I have been crying everyday. Hormones are not helping my situation at all. I just don't know how to talk to him anymore. I feel like he has checked out and i am slowly starting to feel this way as well. We have been together for over 10 years and this is the first time i have ever felt like this...

Sorry for the long post.

victoriaaa1 · July 2015

Wow . I'm in a lost for words with his actions.. I'm so sorry you have to go through that.
Maybe with a new baby arriving is changing his attitude for the moment , hopefully once your baby is here he comes around and is there for you .
Maybe try sitting him down and having a serious talk with him and what's going on with him And that he isn't being "himself" . kinda in a way tell him what you wrote here . Maybe he's just not getting an understanding on what you've mentioned too him?

And if none of that works if he's open too it maybe see a therapist? Or consider separation? As hard as that might be sometimes things just need too happen..(IF it came down too it) But I don't mean to be a Debbie downer or be negative in anyway but anything can be possible .
I do hope things get better and he straightens up. He might just be extremely stressed with everything going on , I know I would be too .

cseley321 · July 2015

After I had spotting on week 9 or 10 after sex my husband will not so much as touch me after that. I wouldn't read into it much personally. I've completely given up on the prospect until after the baby and try not to take it too personally. If you've already tried to talk to him about it and he doesn't want to talk about it, I would just give him some space and try not to obsess about it. The more you push him on the subject, the more it is likely to drive him away. Just try to ease back in and find out what's wrong with him instead of worrying about sex. If you find out what's eating at him, the rest should fall into place

victoriaaa1 · July 2015

She's not only so much worried about sex . She's upset that they hardly even communicate at all or do anything . It doesn't seem to be sex is to much of an issue . I'm sure she knows how her sex life might be as she states she has another kid , so I'm sure she's been through it .
What I do see being an issue with sex is that he can watching porn but can't do anything with her whatsoever like cuddling.
I see where it's taking a toll on her , I'm sure I'd feel like crap if my husband wouldn't even cuddle with me or sit and talk or do anything .
Yeah I do agree she shouldn't obsess over it but she should give it another shot to see what's going on , it could be something much more serious then she or any of us think for all we know .

Miz_Liz · July 2015

I think sometimes we forget that our pregnancy doesn't only impact us, but it impacts our relationships as well. For some, this is a positive impact, some men love a pregnant woman and are not intimidated by having sex while their SO is pregnant. Other men are totally beyond freaked out by it, freaked out by how different our bodies are, freaked out by the thought of the baby being there as well during intimate moments, and freaked out thinking they may hurt us or the baby somehow. Top all of that off with the stress that comes with the thought of adding to a family, planned or not, it is still a huge adjustment. There is the fear of the unknown and there is the financial aspect as well as just worrying about being a good parent, etc. Honestly, my husband and I don't really have sex right now, but that is mainly because I have zero interest and he respects that, which I deeply appreciate! Sure it is different right now than it was when we were dating or even after we were married and it was just us, but I know that it won't always be that way. I personally wouldn't do anything drastic or stress yourself out over it too much right now. Talk about it with him, sure, but try to remember that he is going through this pregnancy too. I would have a conversation and then I would see if things don't improve after the baby is here. Maybe don't focus on the sex aspect as much as just doing something fun together - it doesn't have to be intimate (maybe that is overwhelming him right now). How about a game night? Go out to dinner? Go see a movie? Go for a walk? Make dinner together? Go shopping? Focus on just keeping the mental/friendship part of your relationship alive right now and remember that you are a team. Hang in there!

hclzmm14 · July 2015

It sounds like you are craving intimacy, and this is something you must communicate to your husband. Sit him down and both write down what intimacy means to you and trade papers. Then come up with a plan to give each other what you need at least once a week on a certain day and time and stick to it. You could also see a therapist if he will agree to that. More than likely he doesn't even know you feel this way about your marriage, and probably when he "gets it" he will make more of an effort.

Something that helps me get through rough weeks or months (we have been together 8 years) is that your marriage has seasons. Some seasons are better than others. I'm hoping this season is your winter and you will get through it and your marriage will be better for it.

Thj417 · July 2015

Don't give up.... You two have made it this far so obviously something works between you two. Remember what you said - red flags - a lot of stress, financial difficulty, cut hours, pregnancy complications, family drama, another little one. It's pushing you and he to the limit.

As for the porn, I don't know what to suggest other than talking to him, asking or inviting yourself to watch with him?? It's totally awkward I know, but it might get his fire started for having some fun with you.

I completely respect you don't want to take this to family and friends. It's your personal life, not their business. If things don't turn around after baby, consider going to talk to someone professional with your husband. Work out the struggles, the changes, the new life aspects, things should turn back around.

My DH has made it clear we are mostly in a waiting game from now (2 weeks ago) until 6 weeks after baby is born at this point. I offer but he doesn't take the opportunity. He comes home from work and goes to work on the basement (nothing major just rearranging-reorganizing not important in my book) and isn't spending much time with me either. I too cry daily.

Remind yourself - this is temporary.

CaliforniaDream87 · July 2015

OP, please don't consider separation just yet (as suggested). Pregnancy is hard on both parents. Intimacy is pretty rare these days for us as well but I'm not throwing in the towel. It's time to sit him down and tell him how you feel by using "doing X makes me feel like Y" instead of "you're not doing this".

Hang in there! Communication is key but you have to communicate in the way that works for your H. I've learned that the hard way and it was the best advice I ever got!

breezymeema7 · July 2015

CaliforniaDream87 said:

OP, please don't consider separation just yet (as suggested). Pregnancy is hard on both parents. Intimacy is pretty rare these days for us as well but I'm not throwing in the towel. It's time to sit him down and tell him how you feel by using "doing X makes me feel like Y" instead of "you're not doing this". Hang in there! Communication is key but you have to communicate in the way that works for your H. I've learned that the hard way and it was the best advice I ever got!

This. Keeping communication "I" based instead of "you" based is huge.

xsunshinelady15 · July 2015

Sorry you are dealing with all of this at this critical stage of your pregnancy. Intimacy is important, but communication is 80% of a relationship. Maybe you should go out to dinner (neutral location) and talk about how you are feeling, but also be sure to ask him HOW HE IS FEELING. You both can be feeling isolated, even though you are together in the same house. He may need more from you and you need more from him, but neither of you realize what the other is craving. I hope that makes sense, but I know from experience that men and women hear things differently! You can say "honey I want to cuddle more" and he hears/feels "she is being needy right now," I just hugged her and said "hello."

Maybe he has some external stress that has absolutely nothing to do with you and he chooses to watch porn to get his mind off of whatever he is dealing with right now. You won't know though unless you have an honest two-way conversation about things. I wish you all the best and know that 90% of married couples strongly dislike their spouses during certain times in their marriage! Peaks and pits is what I call those times. Good luck with your chat.

SashaDenn25 · July 2015

I think youve gotten a lot of positive comments on here to go by, but just wanted to lend you some idea as well. DH and I have been great through this pregnancy and he has been wonderful to me. That being said, I went through a sad and crying everyday phase and swore he wasnt attracted to me right now and that we were growing apart because of this pregnancy. Finally, I stopped walking away and crying on my own where he wouldnt know. I would just keep doing what we were doing and cry in front of him. Eventually, he took it upon himself to just go an extra step beyond what he was already doing bc his hormonal wife couldnt deal with the nature of our relationship changing. It isnt taking a turn for the worse, we are just evolving and for whatever reason I got really sad about this and didnt know this was why and saw it as something else. Im not saying you arent being rational or are seeing things that arent really there, but remember you more emotional right now and he can be this way as well but in a very different way. H made sure the past two weeks we worked out together again (we always did pre-pregnancy but since my workouts changed drastically and I would take more days off we stopped). This literally changed my whole mood. Over the last couple months sex has slowed to once a week if we actually stay awake one night, but the intimacy I felt just having him invite me to workout with him again just really made me so happy. Did you used to listen to him play guitar, but dont now?? Is there some activity you all used to do and now dont since pregnancy that you could try again?? Not like a date, a regular activity you all did together. Dont give up hope, in my experience seeing relationships rough patches happen, sometimes you have to fight your way through them and back to each other. Talk to DH when he seems open, tell him you just need some reassurance it is a rough patch that hes willing to hold out and get through as well. Good luck...im so sorry you are having a hard time.

cseley321 · July 2015

CaliforniaDream hit the nail on the head IMO. Try and have a two way conversation with him and pay special attention to what's going on with him. I'm sure things will be fine once you make it through this rough patch. He is probably just having a hard time dealing with things and is keeping it all inside.

emmacake08 · July 2015

A lot of men shut down when stress amps up. All of this sounds normal and I do agree that getting him somewhere with you to just have an honest talk would be what you need. When I can tell DH is getting gloomy and shutting down I'll usually just lead with the problem. Like in my life lately for example I just said "with the basement flooding, kids being sick, and having no help, our lives have sucked a lot lately. I can't imagine the load you've been carrying and can't believe how hard things can be." Then he took that and started talking about why he was frustrated and vented to me and it was productive.
However, if given positive moments to talk and vent he always shuts down then counseling for him and you would be a good idea. He needs an outlet to talk and process so things don't fester even if he may not see it that way. Constructive communication is important even in gloomy days. Hope things improve!

Unknown · July 2015

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jenandbrett · July 2015

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been through something similar. My husband watched porn early in our marriage. It absolutely devastated me and I didn't know if my heart could ever recover. Thank God my husband was remorseful and we worked through it and he gave me time to heal and forgive him. Honestly there are still a lot of days it hurts. You guys will be fine, though. Just keep talking to him --And listening. If a counsellor would help, see one. We didn't, but we were able to be gut level honest with how we were feeling. If that's not happening, a third party might help. Please don't blame yourself; you didn't make him do this. Praying for you guys.

907_baby · July 2015

OP, I think you have been given some good advice. I just wanted to touch on the porn issue specifically. My DH had a major porn addiction issue, and I was NOT ok with it either. It absolutely can work a wedge into all aspects of your marriage. DH did reach a point where he wanted to quit, but this wasn't enough. We both had to become COMPLETELY open with each other, and gain a deeper understanding of the problem. If you guys are religious I recommend seeking help from your bishop/pastor/or equivalent. I also see merit in seeking counseling, although we did not. We did both read the book "The Drug of the New Millennium-The Brain Science Behind Internet Pornography Use" by Mark B. Kastleman, which was helpful for him to develop coping mechanisms, and for me to be aware of how I could be supportive without enabling him. It's been about 5 years without any incidents. Don't give up without exhausting all of your options, it wasn't an easy road, but definitely worth it!

Huaylas · July 2015

My husband and I went through a rough patch like this a little over a year ago and for us it ended up with me making a few extremely terrible decisions that I completely regret. The thing that saved us and our marriage was therapy... because while you think you understand how your husband communicates or how he understands how you communicate, the therapist will be able to help you get to the root of the issue. I feel like now we are in a completely new (and markedly better!) relationship because we now have the tools to communicate effectively with each other and to understand each other that much better. No doubt, Im sure the reality of the addition of another child is becoming very real for him, and he may be experiencing feelings that he doesnt understand or know how to communicate with you. Therapy takes work for both partners, and don't expect the therapist to take sides. I highly recommend it. I promise, after just one session you will start to feel so much better about everything. Good luck!

amrichinaski · July 2015

I think the same thing is happening with me. But both the hubs and I are first time parents so I think maybe he's scared to hurt the baby or something. Like before he would try seducing me and then we would have sex, now it's like I have to ask him why he doesn't want to have sec and then he will be like "ohh I want to do it, let's do it" but he downs initiate and then I'm like "no you don't want to nvm" and I just won't do it. Before he use to love playing with my breast tmi I know. But he is a boob man, ever since I told him I'm pregnant he won't even touch my breast, I think he thinks milk will come out or something I don't know. But being pregnant makes me feel so unsexy and unwanted. It's sad.

Unknown · July 2015

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