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NBR, question about older kids

kwaldykwaldy member
in November 2015 Moms
So DH and I have been married for a little over a year, and this is our first summer having SD for the whole time. Overall, it has been great! However, SD has been lying a lot (generally about little things) and has been sneaking around (hiding cookies and other snacks, then flushing wrappers down the toilet, for example.) She's 5 years old. We have sat down and explained to her that if she tells us the truth, she won't get in as much trouble for making a mistake because she is being honest. We have also explained to her that if she wants a snack or feels hungry, she should tell us and we will find something for her to eat.
Anyone with older kids know how to help break this habit? I feel like when her teenage years hit... many years down the road... we may have serious trust issues if this is not addressed and fixed ASAP.
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Re: NBR, question about older kids

  • JennsouleJennsoule member
    Just to give you a heads up 5 year old tend to lie. I'm not saying to not call her out on it but don't get too upset kids lie. At that age they really aren't a 100% sure on the truth anyway.
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  • vrossolillevrossolille member
    Hmmm.....not all kids lie. I have two & neither have been known to lie to me ever. I would nip it in the butt. I feel it's a learned behavior. I have a sister in law who lies non stop and of course her daughter has picked up the trait. Punishment should be given, 5 or not. Good luck!
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  • turkeybabtturkeybabt member
    Maybe she has some issues of her both parents (whether if they were married or not) being separated and naturally would act out in various ways- either to get attention or it is her way of showing her frustration/anger at what happened with her parents.

    I would encourage both of you and your SO to take time alone with her individually to show her that you both love her and give her a space where she can call her own and let her develop trust for both of you and your SO.
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  • urby87urby87 member
    Lying is pretty normal for that age group.  They have learned that certain things get them into trouble, and are all about testing limits, as has been mentioned.  Not all kids do it, but many do, and it's not necessarily learned.  It's just a way for them to try to get away with behaviors that they know would get them into trouble (like PP suggested, maybe she's not allowed to snack much outside of regular meal times with her mom).  The approach you're taking seems to be pretty solid, and I hope you guys can break the habit soon!
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  • Cook3133Cook3133 member
    My kids are pretty honest to.

    I remember my niece acting out when she was little just like this. She was also from a divorced family. It could be her way of getting attention especially with a new baby on the way. I wish I could offer some great advice but I have never raised a girl. Being a step parent can be rough :( we still deal with lies and my SS are 19 & 17. I guess I can just offer that whatever you decide stay firm on it and remember you are the parent!
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  • strimble26strimble26 member
    4 and 5 is prime age for lies. Hell my 4 year old now is a major liar that lies constantly. Definitely age appropriate and not necessarily indicative of any major issue.
    Definitely keep working with her on it but I wouldn't worry too much.
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  • Pontot31Pontot31 member
    nbpa3027 said:

    I would be a little bit more worried about the fact that she is going through pretty great lengths to hide the fact that she is snacking. Does her mom not allow her to have any snacks? Maybe I am being silly, and it is nothing, but this is a really unhealthy eating habit and I would be concerned there are other issues.

    Kids definitely lie about pretty random things and a lot of it could just be her trying to determine boundaries and figure out what you are paying attention to and what she can get away with.

    This is what I thought too. Why is she worried about sneaking snacks? I would find the root of it.

    I also agree that this is the prime age for testing boundaries and lying. It's a good learning experience for her. I would try not to stress or make her feel bad about the food part but talk about how important it is to tell the truth.
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  • helsbels222helsbels222 member
    Lying is very normal for this age group. Try not to make a big ordeal about it with her because then she will associate all the attention she gets with lying. You don't want that, it'll make it harder to break.

    When my son went through this phase (he's your SD's age now), I told him the story of the boy who cried wolf. I also told him that telling lies hurts mommy and daddy and could make us trust him less. It helped. Explain to her the importance of telling the truth and how big girls tell the truth. My DS grew out of it and your SD likely will too so don't stress too much over it.
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  • kwaldykwaldy member
    Thank you all for your input. I know lying is a pretty common phase, it's just hard for me not to worry about it. I love her like my own, so I'd like to help lead her in the right direction, but it seems like it's continuous and it's hard for me not to be concerned about it. Overall she's a great kid, and like many of you have said it could be an attention thing or even a learned behavior. She has two older half siblings from her mom's side and it's entirely possible that she has picked it up from them too. A lot of factors play into it, I'm sure.

    As for the sneaking snacks, I think it could have to do with the fact that our house has a little more structure than her moms? Maybe? I don't know. We do allow evening (after dinner) snacks, but they tend to be healthier options - fruit or something along those lines so that way she's not wired on sugar and whatnot before bedtime - and she could be pissed off about that. Lol. She does get fun stuff at other times, though.

    I'm less worried now that other moms have said they have gone through it. I just walk a fine line being a stepparent. Hopefully she grows out of it, and I hope she starts understanding that DH and I would never deprive her of something she needs (food/drink/clothing, etc).
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  • cfletch88cfletch88 member
    My 5yo doesn't have a lying problem, if anything he is a little too honest sometimes. We did have the snack sneaking issue for awhile though. All of our snacks are in a separate cabinet so I put a child proof lock on it, he had to ask permission so that we would open it and give him a snack. I've taken it off now, but he was so used to it being on there and asking that it's not a problem anymore.
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  • JStill0603JStill0603 member
    My 5yo SS lies a lot, but it's about silly things that are obvious that I know he's lying about. I usually tell him to stop lying because it's not good to lie. He also lies when he wants to avoid my questions- for example: SS what did you do with grammy and papaw today? I don't know. What did you have for lunch at school today? I don't know. That annoys me probably twice as much as his lying. And sometimes I think he lies to me just so I will leave him alone, giving me the easiest answer to my question instead of the correct answer.

    Our snacks are all up too high for him to reach, otherwise my entire house would be a never ending crumb catcher.
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