AW: Lazy partner?

bethanylga · June 2015

My DD is 7 weeks old and is currently sleeping alright - put her down around 11pm after a feed and she sometimes sleeps through to 6/7am with the occassio all feed around 3am.

My issue is around my partner - we agreed that during the week if she wakes up at 3am I would deal with her as he has work. This means I have to feed her and then go and pump (I'm exclusively pumping due to some breathing issues DD is having). However, it seems that even on weekends I'm the one who gets up in the middle of the night, and also first thing to look after her - example being last night where I got up at 2:30am, was up for nearly 2 hours feeding/pumping, then up at 8am looking after her. My partner then gets annoyed when I wake him at 10:30am and ask him to feed her while I go pump. Am I being unreasonable?

mars8k · June 2015

You're not but my husband rarely takes her at night as well, it's only when he sees that i'm completely worn out if she's been crying all night or something.

He gets annoyed if i soothe her in the bedroom at night! But i still do it of course unless i'm sure she wont sleep soon in which case i go to the living room just so i wouldn't get bored sitting a dark room

Berri1023 · June 2015

Same iSsue w my DH. We tried last night to have him give the 2am bottle. By the time I woke him up bc he "didn't hear!!!!!" Her crying and warmed the bottle she was having a total fit. He decided it's much easier if I just stick her on the boob at night - which is maybe true but mommy needs some sleep!!!

justkeeptrying · June 2015

Same problems with my DH. And I do believe him when he says he doesn't hear our son crying. DH would sleep through a tornado ripping through our house if I wasn't there to smack him awake. I think he's only woken once to DS crying so far.

It's extremely frustrating and our frustrations are only heightened by sleep deprivation. I have to remind myself sometimes that typically men do not bond or become as attached to baby during these newborn stages. They love their child of course, but they often (don't get me wrong - every man is different) don't feel that same connection until LO becomes more interactive. My DH is also a big supporter of the "cry it out" methods. Which I need to remind him won't work on a 5 week old. He frequently thinks our DS is "fake crying" for attention. Which I disagree with.

Jerseymommy11 · June 2015

Totally agree with all of this!

odawg · June 2015

Ugh some days my husband is awesome....others not so much. If he tells me he is tired again though ill flip

kateamart · June 2015

odawg said:
Ugh some days my husband is awesome....others not so much. If he tells me he is tired again though ill flip

Agreed! My in-laws have been visiting for a week, and they've slept in our room while we've slept in the babies room. This morning my DH was complaining that he's super tired because he wakes up every time I get up with the baby... Ummmmm... Seriously?

LadyBlood · June 2015

My husband doesn't get up at night wither, but I exclusively breastfeed so there really isn't anything he can do at night. He does get up with him though on the weekends. After his initial sleep (10pm-4am) he won't go back down in his pack n play so I get up and put him in his swing and sleep on the couch during the week, my husband does it on weekends. It's what works for us.

saric83 · June 2015

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! I'm also exclusively pumping, and most days, I wake DH up during the 3am feed, so he can feed DS while I pump. Otherwise, by the time I get back to bed, I literally get to sleep about 20 minute before DS is up again. And DS doesn't sleep much during the day, so it's not as though I get to take naps. Every single time he's sleeping, I'm pumping again.

If I were just breastfeeding, I wouldn't be as pushy about it, but since we both want DS to get breastmilk despite his latch issues, we can both do the "work". But I definitely feel like I do more of the care on the weekends, so I just started putting the monitor on DH's nightstand and/or put DS in his Rock 'n Play on his side of the bed.

I'm definitely a take-charge kind of person, so if DH slacks at all, I'll totally take over, so I'm trying to force myself to not do that and ensure DH is taking care of other things while I pump on the weekends (i.e. getting everything ready for bedtime or bathtime). This doesn't solve your night issues, but at least it lessens the burden on you a bit in other places as a start!

NPReed10 · June 2015

odawg said:
Ugh some days my husband is awesome....others not so much. If he tells me he is tired again though ill flip

THIS! Oh my god am I sick of hearing how he's tired!!!

agilber3 · June 2015

My husband and I have the same arrangement because I feel bad since his alarm goes off at 430. Some days though I am just way too exhausted to think so I make him get up to change baby's diaper while I go pee/get a snack and water and prepare to breastfeed. I usually apologize then and in the morning but he's very accepting and knows that it's both of our jobs as parents to care for our son, regardless of how tired we both are. I don't know what to tell you except communicate communicate communicate! Otherwise you will just bottle it up and resent him.

Amber Woods · June 2015

I was so mad at my husband at first for not helping at night. Now I'm over it. He sleeps primarily on the couch so at least I get the whole bed to co sleep, feed, etc

justkeeptrying · June 2015

Vent: DH was trying to get DS to sleep. I could hear DS was fighting it like mad. So I offered to take him. DH tells me to finish getting ready (I had just showered) and then he'd pass him off. So I go brush my teeth, take out my contacts, and come back to find DS wide awake in his crib and DH in bed with the blankets over his head. It's 9:00 at night!!!! I understand that he's tired but I am exhausted!!! And I am the one who's going to have to feed DS in an hour and a half. AND I offered to take him and you said no. So don't put him in the crib and go to bed!!!!

Sorry. I'm done my rant.

meli987 · June 2015

Ugh! Finally other people who feel the same! He sleeps from 11 or 12 to 11 am on weekends, and I might ask him to do one bottle feed at night while I pump. He never hears ds crying and won't even burp him correctly after the feeding, so I have to do that too. I'm so fed up I can barely hold in my rants when he says he is tired or "doesn't feel well tonight. I just keep telling myself he will be better when ds is older and more active....

pepperpup · June 2015

Wow I can totally relate! Especially when my husband gets frustrated with our daughter's crying after he's had her for a whole ten minutes of the day. I hope he bonds more soon so it improves.

MrsElizabethPlano · June 2015

You're not being unreasonable, but he probably feels like it's silly for you to pump while he feeds her. THinks he could just be sleeping while you breastfeed. I want to work out some shift system since hubby just quit his job...like he gets daytime shift with baby so he can play video games at night...but it's not working. He keeps making excuses and I only care to shove baby on him when I haven't showered for 4 days or she's being extra irritable wearing me down. He didn't become involved with our first child until he was nearly 2 years old, but claimed he'd be ready and willing for a new baby.....can't understand why i believed him >.<

alliebsmith · June 2015

My husband has been the same way and feels on the weekend we should share the feedings. I feel that he should do most of them so I can catch up on sleep. This has led to so many arguments and he doesn't understand how exhausting it is, my LO is also veryyyy fussy in the day. I have my best friends bridal shower out of town in a few weeks and I wasn't going to stay overnight but I've hit my frustration wall with my husband and I told him I'm making a weekend out of the bridal shower so he will be responsible for LO for 2 nights. Hopefully he sees how much work being a parent is and makes some changes.

Hawk&Eye · June 2015

Hubs works constantly and I appreciate that he does because it allows me to be home with my boys. I guess I'm saying I know who "butters my bread." However...he doesn't get up at night (even if he did hear a kid), he's changed 3 of DS2's diapers! He is usually gone before they wake and he typically gets home at 8. So he might see the boys 2 hours Monday through Friday and Saturday us usually the same and Sunday is a tad better. We agreed that this baby experience would be better and I wouldn't have to go into "robot" mode where no matter what the kids are my responsibility. Well its been worse I think. Like today he took the day off, slept until 10, and took a long shower before seeing us. I recently told him he's not allowed to clock out when he gets home and he actually asked me why!! Um...because I never clock out, that's why!

toddabunny · June 2015

My SO was great to start off with, he would get up and change her while I got ready to feed, now he gets up when he hears her and disappears downstairs annoying thing is he is not working at the mo

flutterby120 · July 2015

I am feeling really bad right now. I kind of got upset my husband. I am so greatful for what he does. But there are times when I feel like a single parent. I have to wake my son up every 4 hours till he gains weigh and I know he's gotten bigger. I am just so exhausted i said i guess i will have to do everything by myself. I didn't mean to say it but it came out. That's how I have been feeling lately and it's taking a toll on me. I just wish he knew what it's like having to wake up in the middle of the night.... I have been acting like this since last week. And I am worried that he's mad at me or something. What can i do?

agilber3 · July 2015

@flutterby120 I've had a similar moment! I blame the hormones and stress of transitioning to a new role as mommy. It is hard because dads don't know what we do and how tricky it is just to go pee or shower or eat! My husband and I just talk about it all. If you feel bad just apologize and explain why you felt that way. It's hard but even the other day (my boy is 6 weeks) I told my husband "now you know how I feel!" And he rolled his eyes because that's the card I usually play. Or when he says he only slept for 4 hours I say I have no sympathy for him lol. If you can at least just communicate your frustration and form a plan (either he takes baby for an hour so you can have a chance to do whatever) otherwise things will start bottling up and it'll get worse! I am able to pump so my husband bottle feeds baby around 9 or 10 and they have bonding time while I get to rest quietly in the bedroom. Just communicate and talk about it all!!

scharle3 · July 2015

Wow. I thought I was the only one. Don't get me wrong my husband is absolutely amazing and takes care of my son when he gets on during the week and weekends, it's just during the night on the weekends that I often get aggravated. I'm exclusively breastfeeding, but I do have bottles ready on the weekends just in case. I thought we had an agreement that he will wake up on the weekends and I will handle during the week until I go back to work. But it hasn't turned out to be that way. He will say I didn't wake him up and I just think if you know he's crying or whatever you should get up, I shouldn't have to tell you he's crying and hungry or change him. I've literally watched him wake up while I was changing getting ready to feed on the weekend and then he went back to sleep. So I was like really. I don't know what to do, but thank God my little one sleeps ok at night where I do get some rest.

flutterby120 · July 2015

Thank you I will communicate because I don't want it to get worse.

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