How to tell if husband is ready for baby?

kata18 · July 2015

My husband and I have been talking about TTC this summer, as we both would love to start a family. We have been married for a year and love the idea of having a baby around. My DH says he wants one and he's ready. However, now I am second guessing as a group of my close girlfriends told me they don't believe my husband is really ready to have one. They don't think he's ready to give up his Saturday night hanging out with our group of friends and having a beer or two.

I feel dumb being so conflicted about this, but how can I tell if my husband is really ready for a baby?

carrieandr · July 2015

Listen to your husband and ignore your friends.

wanderingtx · July 2015

Ask him? Trust his answer over a bunch of your friends.

IMO, if your friends think they know your DH better than you do, that's a problem. They also might be saying it from a selfish part of themselves. They might be afraid to "lose" you and your Saturday nights. Having a baby doesn't ground you for life, you just have to balance home/social life more.

ljwisniew · July 2015

What a rude thing for your friends to say!

StarbucksShip · July 2015

kata18 said:

My husband and I have been talking about TTC this summer, as we both would love to start a family. We have been married for a year and love the idea of having a baby around. My DH says he wants one and he's ready. However, now I am second guessing as a group of my close girlfriends told me they don't believe my husband is really ready to have one. They don't think he's ready to give up his Saturday night hanging out with our group of friends and having a beer or two. I feel dumb being so conflicted about this, but how can I tell if my husband is really ready for a baby?

Do you usually trust their judgement? That is, do you think there might be some truth in what they say? And why would that make you hesitate? Your husband may still want to go out on Saturday nights with friends. You might want to spend a day doing something without your child in tow. I think both are perfectly valid if both parents are agreed upon it. It's healthy to have some you time! And it's healthy for both parents to raise a child. But if you're more concerned about inappropriate spending or behavior that's worth pausing over.

TL;DR talk to your husband about the lifestyle you want once you're parents.

Katm89 · July 2015

I agree with other posters. Your friends sound like they just want you to wait. Other people say a lot of things about marriage/kids and I have learned since they were wrong about how marriage would be for us that they are wrong about how kids will be. My DH was acting very not ready and a lot of the girls on this board noticed it and I didn't... so its possible that certain things you may not notice. I talked to him about what the ladies thought was happening and turns out he was ready but then some coworkers said some things( without knowin that we were about to TTC) about how having a baby would ruin his ability to work out. My DH doesn't drink. working out is his hobby and doesn't keep him away from home more than an hr a day. We talked it out and now he knows I won't expect him to stop his hobbies... people stick their nose into your relationship sometimes based on their experience... everyone's marriage is different... and everyone's kids are different... You two are the only ones who create what its like. Just talk to him and tell him what you're feeling and what they said... give him a chance to chat with you about it.

MandyBeeSLP · July 2015

I agree with everyone else, this is a decision to be made as a couple, without the "help" of other people. I will add this: My husband and I weren't sure we were ready to start trying last month, after having talked about it and continually moving our "deadline" for about 6 months. But we both agreed if we didn't start trying we would probably regret it later in our lives, so we started trying. As it turns out, we both discovered that we were disappointed when AF showed up, and then we knew we really WERE ready. With nebulous things like major life events its easy to equate being nervous with not being ready, but it's okay to be both!

Katm89 · July 2015

@MandyBeeSLP Thats how I discovered I was ready, I missed a pill and I thought I was pregnant and I waited a week or two and tested. It was negative an I bawled my butt off and ever since then I have been ready.

kata18 · July 2015

Thanks everyone for the responses. I appreciate you all sharing your stories as well! I love my friends but I think you're right, they are saying that on a more selfish level. One of the couples we hang out with has a baby who is almost a year old and they still hang out with us often.

I think I am overly nervous to try for our first baby!

PugsandKisses · July 2015

It is nerve wrecking to TTC, there is so much you don't know. You can read all the books and you will still feel clueless.

Sit down and talk to your DH about how both of you will balance baby and family time with social friends time. What do you find to be a realistic amount of outside the home time and what he feels would be right.

He will need 'me' time, as you will. But he might already know and expect it to be once in while while baby is a baby, or he might think weekly will still be acceptable.

You never know until you ask.

BabyIntegers · July 2015

I don't know you nor do I know your beliefs about marriage, but I will share my belief as it's the only advice I have after falling flat on my face countless times. You're married to your husband, not to people here on the bump, not to google, not to your parents and definitely not to your girlfriends. If you want to stay married to one person for life, you have to stop allowing the rest of the world to dictate your relationship with him.

Aside from that, everyone and their brother in my 31 years of living says that nobody is ever truly ready to bring a child into this world. No matter how many books, articles, etc that we have access to, each situation is challenging in its own way.

Regarding your friends, real friends don't tear down your relationship, they build it up. They tell you the truth but not at the expense of your marriage. They constantly help you grow and become a better you.

And your husband? If you trust him, then you'll trust that he wants to have a baby because he said so. What is so bad about having a beer or two on a Saturday night? Would you not want to go to the salon and get a mani/pedi with your girlfriends or go shopping for a few hours? Sure, a baby might make it necessary to rethink how you plan things, but it shouldn't mean you give up living life completely. I don't care what anyone else says.

Just my two cents.

MamaBish · July 2015

I agree with pp, you and your DH are the only ones who should have any input on this decision.

daniedevotion · July 2015

My thoughts on this? I went through the same thing with my SO. When he first told me he was ready, I was almost reluctant to believe him because I was bombarded with people just telling me he wasn't ready. I'm still nervous, but in order for a relationship to work, you have to trust him over any of your friends. Your friends only know what they see when they are around him and what you have told them. You are the one that is the relationship with him. The only way I knew my SO was ready was by him telling me. All of his jokes and little signs meant nothing until he physically told me "I'm ready to TTC."

Also, I feel like it's important for me to mention that having a child shouldn't mean giving up your life (or his). It doesn't mean you can't go out with friends, have a beer or two occasionally, or have fun. It means you have another little person to enjoy your life with, teach so many things, and have even more fun with. :-)

Good luck!

GhanimaAtreides · July 2015

It also seems that with your girlfriends, it's easier to bring up when your DH is acting immature, etc.

You don't exactly run to them bragging about all the amazing sex you're having, all his over-the-top sweet gestures, the gifts he spoils you with, or when he comes home early just to spend time with you.

Your friends have their own ups and downs in their relationships, and it's insensitive to rub your good times in their faces, especially when they're down. Meanwhile, everyone can relate to a DH acting a little selfish, silly, immature, or clueless sometimes... so sometimes those are the easiest stories to relate and bond over. Your friends get a skewed picture of your marriage.

In the end, deciding to add to your family is a decision between you and your husband, only you two have the full picture. Also, like @daniedevotion said, having kids is not the end of the world. Great couples learn to balance their "me time", "us time", and "family time".

PrimRoseMama · July 2015

kata18 said:
My husband and I have been talking about TTC this summer, as we both would love to start a family. We have been married for a year and love the idea of having a baby around. My DH says he wants one and he's ready. However, now I am second guessing as a group of my close girlfriends told me they don't believe my husband is really ready to have one. They don't think he's ready to give up his Saturday night hanging out with our group of friends and having a beer or two.

I feel dumb being so conflicted about this, but how can I tell if my husband is really ready for a baby?

I would believe my husband vs. A group of friends. He's the one you'll be boinking to make the baby & raising the kid with. :-??

wanderingtx · July 2015

Lizzie5831 said:

It also seems that with your girlfriends, it's easier to bring up when your DH is acting immature, etc. You don't exactly run to them bragging about all the amazing sex you're having, all his over-the-top sweet gestures, the gifts he spoils you with, or when he comes home early just to spend time with you. Your friends have their own ups and downs in their relationships, and it's insensitive to rub your good times in their faces, especially when they're down. Meanwhile, everyone can relate to a DH acting a little selfish, silly, immature, or clueless sometimes... so sometimes those are the easiest stories to relate and bond over. Your friends get a skewed picture of your marriage. In the end, deciding to add to your family is a decision between you and your husband, only you two have the full picture. Also, like @daniedevotion said, having kids is not the end of the world. Great couples learn to balance their "me time", "us time", and "family time".

This is so true, @Lizzie5831. When we were doing pre-marital counseling with our pastor, this is one thing he brought up. Do not talk badly about your spouse to your friends/family. They don't always see the small wonderful things you see, and it's harder for them to "let go" of the bad because of it. I have to stop myself when my friends start husband bashing. It can be so easy to paint a skewed picture for them. ETA: Obviously if your spouse is physically or emotionally abusing you, you absolutely should talk to someone about it. Just edited for clarity, I am not trying to imply this is happening to you, OP.

Also, OP, I don't want you to think your friends are bad people. They may have said those things for selfish reasons, like I said earlier, but I think it also came from a place of love.

I was one the first in my group of friends to get married. I married young, 22. A few of my friends expressed concern over 'losing' a single friend. They thought that getting married would change the relationship that I had with them, and sadly it did. We ended up moving cross country (DH is military) shortly after he graduated college. I think your friends may be worried about 'losing' a non-mom friend, which I can totally see too. Maybe a heart to heart with them will help?

Like PP have said, it's healthy to maintain a social life after having a child, for both of you. You just need to find a balance that works for your family. And for that, you need a discussion with just your DH, no one else.

VnLosLilOne · July 2015

kata18 said:
Thanks everyone for the responses. I appreciate you all sharing your stories as well! I love my friends but I think you're right, they are saying that on a more selfish level. One of the couples we hang out with has a baby who is almost a year old and they still hang out with us often.

I think I am overly nervous to try for our first baby!

Totally understand! We are the only couple in our big group of friends who still do not have a baby. I am so freaked out about being a mom !! So scary to think you will have another little human to live for now. Other than yourself. I am a huge party girl and I have always said I would never be a mom. But this year it sort of hit me. I am ready my husband is so excited. The way his eyes light up when we talk about the possibility of a mini us. That's how I know he is ready. Honestly I say listen to your hubby and feel it out when he talks about it. And literally talk about every little thing that concerns you about your pregnancy and your future plans for your baby and if he becomes frustrated or annoyed well... maybe he hasn't given it that much thought.

TheBorg7of9 · July 2015

VnLosLilOne said:

kata18 said:
Thanks everyone for the responses. I appreciate you all sharing your stories as well! I love my friends but I think you're right, they are saying that on a more selfish level. One of the couples we hang out with has a baby who is almost a year old and they still hang out with us often.

I think I am overly nervous to try for our first baby!
Totally understand! We are the only couple in our big group of friends who still do not have a baby. I am so freaked out about being a mom !! So scary to think you will have another little human to live for now. Other than yourself. I am a huge party girl and I have always said I would never be a mom. But this year it sort of hit me. I am ready my husband is so excited. The way his eyes light up when we talk about the possibility of a mini us. That's how I know he is ready. Honestly I say listen to your hubby and feel it out when he talks about it. And literally talk about every little thing that concerns you about your pregnancy and your future plans for your baby and if he becomes frustrated or annoyed well... maybe he hasn't given it that much thought.

Lol. I have two kids and we're TTC a third, but if I "literally talked about every little thing" that concerned me about our kids' futures, I'm sure my husband would get annoyed and so would I. I don't think you need to go quite that far.

VnLosLilOne · July 2015

TheBorg7of9 said:

VnLosLilOne said:

kata18 said:
Thanks everyone for the responses. I appreciate you all sharing your stories as well! I love my friends but I think you're right, they are saying that on a more selfish level. One of the couples we hang out with has a baby who is almost a year old and they still hang out with us often.

I think I am overly nervous to try for our first baby!
Totally understand! We are the only couple in our big group of friends who still do not have a baby. I am so freaked out about being a mom !! So scary to think you will have another little human to live for now. Other than yourself. I am a huge party girl and I have always said I would never be a mom. But this year it sort of hit me. I am ready my husband is so excited. The way his eyes light up when we talk about the possibility of a mini us. That's how I know he is ready. Honestly I say listen to your hubby and feel it out when he talks about it. And literally talk about every little thing that concerns you about your pregnancy and your future plans for your baby and if he becomes frustrated or annoyed well... maybe he hasn't given it that much thought.
Lol. I have two kids and we're TTC a third, but if I "literally talked about every little thing" that concerned me about our kids' futures, I'm sure my husband would get annoyed and so would I. I don't think you need to go quite that far.

Well as a first I do need to go that far... maybe not after the 3rd but the first and trying to feel out if the hubby is ready I would say do it. Men don't t think as we do. They won't know it's real til they are holding that child. So therefore make it as real as possible with a deep conversation.

MamaBish · July 2015

VnLosLilOne said:

Thanks everyone for the responses. I appreciate you all sharing your stories as well! I love my friends but I think you're right, they are saying that on a more selfish level. One of the couples we hang out with has a baby who is almost a year old and they still hang out with us often. I think I am overly nervous to try for our first baby!
Totally understand! We are the only couple in our big group of friends who still do not have a baby. I am so freaked out about being a mom !! So scary to think you will have another little human to live for now. Other than yourself. I am a huge party girl and I have always said I would never be a mom. But this year it sort of hit me. I am ready my husband is so excited. The way his eyes light up when we talk about the possibility of a mini us. That's how I know he is ready. Honestly I say listen to your hubby and feel it out when he talks about it. And literally talk about every little thing that concerns you about your pregnancy and your future plans for your baby and if he becomes frustrated or annoyed well... maybe he hasn't given it that much thought.
Lol. I have two kids and we're TTC a third, but if I "literally talked about every little thing" that concerned me about our kids' futures, I'm sure my husband would get annoyed and so would I. I don't think you need to go quite that far.
Well as a first I do need to go that far... maybe not after the 3rd but the first and trying to feel out if the hubby is ready I would say do it. Men don't t think as we do. They won't know it's real til they are holding that child. So therefore make it as real as possible with a deep conversation.

I agree, for your first, you need to talk about all the possibilities. Like everything from daycare plans all the way down to how you will handle your own parents and their "suggestions."

Everycol0r · July 2015

I just want to add:

You didn't marry your friends.

Carazona5 · July 2015

Yeah basically what everyone else said. And why does he OR you have to give up your Saturday nights? Maybe at first with a newborn or maybe you won't go out EVERY Saturday. But You're better off still keeping your sanity a little and within reason, planning some time away together once in awhile. I have a friend who's been married for 18 years and she and her husband still make Saturday night date night a priority. They've rarely skipped one, and they have a great marriage and 3 happy kids who can handle being away from them once in awhile. Do what you and your husband feel is right for you right now

Edited because words.

*coaches*wife* · July 2015

tkarliem45 said:

Ask him? Trust his answer over a bunch of your friends. IMO, if your friends think they know your DH better than you do, that's a problem. They also might be saying it from a selfish part of themselves. They might be afraid to "lose" you and your Saturday nights. Having a baby doesn't ground you for life, you just have to balance home/social life more.

this exactly

MNturnsVA · July 2015

I would say that you should most definitely talk to your hubby first. My DH and I have been together for 8 years now, only married for 2 of those though and this has been a hot topic at various points in our relationship. We had an ectopic pregnancy early on and before we knew it was ectopic, he was so happy, he had the biggest grin on his face when I told him and for the following few days until we found out it was ectopic. I was scared to death!! I was not ready, although kids have always been something I wanted.

So we went through all that, got married and I was ready to stop BC immediately following wedding. However, we were getting ready to purchase a house and we didn't take our honeymoon till almost 6 months after our wedding. My DH is very organized and likes to be as prepared as possible for just about everything. So we wanted to get moved and settled before going on our trip, but our to do list is never ending.

And now DH is scared, but ready for baby. But we've had many conversations about all aspects of the whole process and TTC and raising baby and after baby gets here and we've done some bucket list things.

I would recommend just asking your husband if you can't read some of the other signals he's giving off.

evabear123 · July 2015

**previous pregnancy mentioned**

My husband was ready when we fell pregnant with our first. I knew this because I said "are you ready for a baby" and he said "yes".

Sometimes he goes out and has some beers with his friends on a Saturday night.

Sometimes I go out and have beers with my friends on a Saturday night.

Sometimes we get a baby sitter and go out for beers together on a Saturday night.

Sometimes we stay home on a Saturday night.

Look - I get it's a big decision and we went to and fro trying to decide when to TTC a second, but seriously - if your husband says he's ready and is "looking forward to starting a family" then I don't see why you're listening to your friends.

EDIT: spelling

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