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Afraid of Stepson

aln624aln624 member
in May 2015 Moms
My 12.5 yr old stepson, who has autism, is extremely aggressive and violent at times. He yells and argues throughout the day. He screams at our newborn to "shut up" when he's crying. He slams doors, throws and breaks things. He kicks the dog. In the past he has punched, pushed, smacked and even strangled the dog. He, in detail, describes how he's going to kill the dog. In the past he has hit him...during my pregnancy he'd punch me of try to punch me in the stomach, he'd pinch me, raise his hand to me. Just recently I was carrying the baby down the stairs and my stepson was coming up the stairs and tried to push us...I needed to move out of the way and hold the baby tighter. I'm afraid to be left alone with him bc his actions are unpredictable at times. I cannot leave the baby alone and try my best not to leave the dog alone with him either. My husband is aware of all of this and while he does have some concern, I don't think it is anywhere close to my concern. I find him to get rather defensive when I talk about this stuff, which I would expect him to in part defend his autistic child, but I think there needs to be a limit to it. When ppl are feeling unsafe, that's a really bad situation. Just prior to having the baby I tearfully told my husband that I'm afraid his son is going to hurt / try to hurt the baby. My husband cried a little and said "me too." I don't think this is still a concern of his, but I don't know why it wouldn't be since his son is still exhibiting the same, at times more, aggression since the baby was born. Aside from the aggression and being scared, I'm also feeling a lot of stress from all the yelling and arguing he does. It is very unhealthy to be in that environment and I hate that our newborn is subjected to it. I've read a ton of articles about the damage it causes infants to be in this sort of environment....causes the baby stress, causes them to not be able to learn coping skills, causes them to be hypersensitive, etc. I cannot have damage done to my child.

I need help, advice, something!!!!

Please help!!!
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Re: Afraid of Stepson

  • kjeromeokjeromeo member
    I recommend a family counselor or support group. That's a lot of complex issues that a professional could help you through. Above all, trust your gut when it comes to the safety of you and your baby!
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  • kremerj1kremerj1 member
    I teach special Ed and dealt with a child like this when I was pregnant. Family counselor is a great idea for your husband and you to deal with it. Your stepson would benefit greatly from seeing an ABA therapist. It's a type of behavior management. There's a lot of information online, but it would be great to have one come into your home. Hope this helps.
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  • ftm0413ftm0413 member
    edited July 2015
    Yes to ABA! In addition to ABA an OT may be able to help as well. If he's already getting OT ask the therapist to use social stories and other cognitive behavioral approaches. An OT can also help to determine if his behavior is truly behavioral, or sensory-related. For example, if he's hypersensitive to auditory input a baby suddenly crying could be overloading his sensory system causing the behavior. Noise canceling headphones or just an ipod for him listen to white noise may help. Not sure if hypersensitivity is an issue with your stepson, but an OT can work with him to come up with his own coping mechanisms. Kiddos with autism respond well to structure and routine in their entire environment (temporal, social, etc), but we know our babies function on their own routines! The constant unknown and change can be too overstimulating for a child with autism. I'm an OT and work closely with ABA. Both disciplines compliment each other very well. Either way, I agree you need help and you need help now!! It's may be too late for the dog, but you want to break behaviors towards your son asap. Early Intervention is key.
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  • blairdavis99blairdavis99 member
    I commend you for asking for advice and really, really hope you do reach out for help immediately. There is nothing like mothers intuition and it absolutely isn't fair to you LO or your dog to have them in the situation as is. They can't make choices to keep safe or remove themselves from the situation; you can. I understand the extremely difficult nature of the situation - if you are unable to safely keep an eye on the baby and the dog, perhaps finding a family member or friend to take the dog would be prudent in the meantime.
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  • ElleMuffinElleMuffin member
    I have 3 sons on the autism spectrum( 5,4,3 years old) and a 1 month old. I understand how stressful it can be in your situation, especially with a child thats acting out and probably not aware of the potential consequences of his actions. People with ASD generally resist changes in their enviornment and your pregnancy and the birth of the baby have probably upset this childs entire world. Its scary and confusing for them. Having dealt with reactionary behaviors from my other children in the past, I just want to encourage you to hold on. You will see some regression and an uptick in behaviors but it will pass. Also, as previously mentioned, therapy is really easential and should really be carried over from school to the home. Talk to his teachers and find out how his ABA therapist/teachers are dealing with behaviors at school and mimic their system at home. Look into respite services so you can both get a break from a stressful situation, invest in noise canceling headphones for him to help deal with the auditory stimuli (barking dog, crying baby), and I really encourage yoj and your husband to find time just for him... you will likely see a decrease in behaviors when he adjusts and his adjustment peruod will definitely be quicker if he sees you both putting in the time and energy into helping him. Please show your son that he still has a place in your family and help him find ways to deal with these changes. I know its hard, but baby will be fine in the long run. Children can adjust to anything and I can say (having a moderately functioning and 2 very high functioning children) that having a sibling that needs a lot of support has helped my other boys become more considerate and sensitive of their brothers needs...even protective of him. Please PM me of you have any specific ASD questions or need any help or advice with any ASD related issues.
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  • borntorun17borntorun17 member
    I am a BCBA and psychologist. Please get aba therapy in your home asap. Also, sometimes medications can be helpful in reducing aggressive tendencies in kids on the spectrum.

    You repeatedly referred to your stepson as "his son" rather than "our son". Family therapy can be helpful for you and your husband. Sorry if I'm reading too far into that, but it could be helpful
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  • mars8kmars8k member
    I don't have the experience to help but i just want to say you're a great person for choosing to live with an autistic child in a world where many birth parents abandon their children.

    I wish you best of luck and i hope your son and new baby get along
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  • mamajama3mamajama3 member
    edited July 2015
    This made me so anxious just reading about your situation- I am so sorry. My two cents is that you have a defenseless baby and animal who are at risk around your stepson. It may be a good idea to look at temporary behavioral therapy type housing alternatives for him until his behavior improves. Perhaps he can live with his mom if that's an option too. This is coming from someone who is very compassionate toward individuals who are on the autism spectrum (I did research and behavioral therapy in the field), but who believes that the health and safety of your baby and pet (and yourself) are a priority.
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  • aln624aln624 member
    edited July 2015
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  • DMELDMEL member
    edited July 2015
    If he is truly on the autistic spectrum, he has a DISABILITY thats outside of his control so try not to think that he "doesn't deserve" fun things and you don't "need to cater to him". He's not being a brat, he is developmentally disabled. He can't help it. Would you get upset if you had to change your family's routine to give insulin to a diabetic child?
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  • DMELDMEL member
    And for the record, I'm a child psychiatrist and have a close family member with autism.
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  • kremerj1kremerj1 member
    As a teacher, it's hard to make real lasting change happen if the parents aren't on board. Have to be honest, if your DH isn't supportive, it's going to be difficult to change your sons behaviors. I hope things get better for yall. Hopefully your hubby will release your family needs help.
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  • aln624aln624 member
    edited July 2015
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  • DMELDMEL member
    edited July 2015
    aln624 said:

    No, he is aware of what he is doing and saying. He has control over the vast majority of his behaviors. His therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist have all confirmed this. And whether he has control over it or not, I'm not going to put myself, my child nor my dog in harms way.

    You can't speak out of both sides of your mouth. If he has autism, it's outside of his control. And tell your husband that the only treatment proven effective for children with autism is ABA therapy which he should be receiving (in your home if that's where he's having behavioral difficulties). And I agree with a previous poster, you don't seem invested in this child's well being at all - calling your stepson "[my husbands] son"
    I feel very badly for this child. You can get him help in the way of a good school, in home therapy, perhaps even psychotropic medication.... but instead choose to wish him away.
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  • aln624aln624 member
    It is a true shame that you seem to be claiming that his behavior is simply due to his diagnosis. He is autistic, but he's also a very poorly behaved child....again, his therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist all say the same.
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  • aln624aln624 member
    edited July 2015
    .
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  • aln624aln624 member
    edited July 2015
    .
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  • DMELDMEL member
    So then get him help. Autism causes poor behavior. So yes, I believe its outside of his control (assuming an accurate diagnosis). You've been given advice on how to get him help from several posters. Go do so and good luck.
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  • aln624aln624 member
    edited July 2015
    As I said, it's a shame that you seem to again pin all of his behavior on his diagnosis. I have found that children who have parents, teachers, therapists, etc that solely attribute behavior to a diagnosis, don't excel all too much. We are trying to prepare him for life, being a teenager, gaining independence, managing himself, etc. If we simply succumb to "well, he's autistic, so...." we will be taking care of him forever, he won't develop and he could become even more violent and dangerous.

    I was given some good advice....some I can try and some I'm limited on due to what my husband would be ok with.

    Bottom line...I am living in an unsafe, dangerous and unhealthy house right now and I'm fearful for the safety of my defenseless newborn and dog. Yes, my stepson needs help, but so do we in being safe in the meantime!!!
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  • lola2beelola2bee member
    The key piece is going to be getting your husband on board. Nothing will change unless that happens.
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  • ftm0413ftm0413 member
    edited July 2015
    Are you looking for someone with a magic wand?

    You've received plenty of sound, evidence-based advice from both professionals and others who have experience with family members that have autism. No one is saying that you're over exaggerating or being dramatic. I think we all agree this is a serious situation, but if you and your husband aren't on board with proper treatment for your stepson then leave. If you are truly feel you are in imminent danger then you need to stay somewhere else. There is no quick fix, and if you aren't invested in taking the appropriate steps to help your autistic stepson then you are just facilitating the negative behaviors. It's not as simple as taking him to therapy. Therapy recommendations have to be followed through at home, every hour of every day. As a therapist it's professionally insulting that you think we simply say "well, he's autistic, so..." No. I did not go to school for 8 years and earn 3 degrees to tell a parent to lower their expectations. After this thread I guarantee the professionals trying to help your son gain functional skills and behaviors are just as disappointed in you as you are of them.

    Not sure what else you're looking for, but you're not going to find it on The Bump.
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  • mars8kmars8k member
    @dm28 i'm sorry for not being politically correct, as i mentioned i don't have experience with the matter just trying to give OP some positive thoughts when she's obviously down and is getting negative comments. Also my SIL is a doctor and told me about parents who admitted their child with autism to the hospital then stopped answering phone calls and never visited. That's what i was referring to. I meant birth parents as in biological i didn't refer to a specific age
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  • babinantebabinante member
    He cannot control his emotions because children with autism do not know how to do this. So yes his behaviors are due to his autism. They are smart and they understand why they are doing it. Possible Example: he wants attention he may scream and scream because he wants attention but he has no idea how to seek attention appropriately. That is why it is important to have in home ABA therapy so he can be taught how to act appropriately. I feel very badly for him because he needs a loving mother who will advocate for him and find him the best services possible instead of hiding in her room.
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  • aln624aln624 member
    That is EXACTLY what some are saying...."he has autism, so he has no control and that the autism is causing his behavior." It's insane to pin it all on that. Yes, he has autism, but he DOES have control over a great number of things and he acts out not only bc he's autistic. This interaction is going in a wasteful direction, so let's just end it here. For those that offered helpful advice, I thank you. For those that want to pin everything on autism, good luck to you.
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