Frustrated by DH

ewenner · July 2015

I know this may sound terrible, but I am really frustrated by the way DH handles the LO. The baby is three weeks old, super-fussy, rarely naps during the day, and screams A LOT. Needless to say, we spend a great deal of time trying to calm and soothe him. Anyway, when DH is trying to calm LO, his tone of voice is anything but soothing. He sounds impatient and almost like he's trying to order the baby to be quiet. I know he's trying his best, and I don't want to tell DH what to do, and i certainly dont want to discourage him from helping, but at the same time, its hard to even listen to DH when he's trying to soothe the baby. How should I approach it? Should I say something or not? Am I being ridiculous? Thanks!

Designermomma · July 2015

You still have raging hormones and combine that with lack of sleep and anything will irritate you.
If his approach is working, then try to relax and take a nap while he's with baby. If not, maybe try a gental suggestion like "hey I read about this trick online today to soothe baby, let's try it"
Do you have " Happiest baby on the block"? It works! I've also tried the waving a tissue over the baby's face to get him to sleep (YouTube video curculating social media) it calmed him but didn't get him to sleep.

Good luck!

mandyreads · July 2015

This is a delicate time for everyone. Your hormones are everywhere and it is stressful for the daddys as well. Maybe this is just how he is with LO when stressed. My H sometimes is this way as well with all our girls when he is tired. I think it is the retail manager in him lol. But if you think you may need to bring it up...do. Just not during the heat of the moment. Could make matters worse.

As for your crying baby...coukd it be silent reflux? Our DD3 would scream (SCREAM) and fuss and never napped good until we realized it was silent reflux.

niknak1208 · July 2015

My DH will try to soothe him and if it doesn't work he will literally just sit there and watch the baby scream. It annoys the crap out of me. I try to make subtle suggestions. But it's frustrating. He just says I'm out of tricks and he won't stop. Occassionally he can get him to stop crying but not often.
I think sometimes the little baby stage is challenging for daddy's. They know what to do with a big kid. My DH is great with our older kids. But when they were itty bitty .. Not so much.

ewenner · July 2015

Thank you all for your kind words. Perhaps it is just my hormones. I like the idea of just making suggestions for different things to try. I think I will do that, rather than criticize DH. Especially since neither his methods nor mine consistently work, I don't think it's my place to try to "fix" what he's doing.

@Designermomma, we learned about Happiest Baby on the Block methods at our infant care class, but I don't actually have the book - we frequently swaddle and shoosh and jiggle and use pacifier. None of it consistently works. Does the book have extra info that it may be worth buying?

@mandyreads, I don't know anything about silent reflux. I will Google it and ask our pedi at one month checkup next week.

Thanks again ladies!

niknak1208 · July 2015

I found an awesome YouTube video with womb sounds. I play that on my phone sometimes when I'm desperate. Works like a Charm on DS. I was SO tired this morning and he would not sleep. I had been up every half hour since 1am with him. I finally went out to the living room about 5:30am. Strapped him I his swing. He was asleep but not soundly. I put my phone next to the swing. He slept for 2 hours. I use it in the car when he won't settle down too. The swing and the pack n play both play white noise but there's something about this video that just works better

marijaa333 · July 2015

I play this one a lot and it seems to help!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArwcHjmsw3A

niknak1208 · July 2015

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OEvmogdF0Vk

This is the one I've been using.

NeonNoon · July 2015

MH hadn't been around babies before our son was born. And he never got around to reading the parts of the baby books I had bookmarked for him. So, I've had to give him lots of tips and he's been mostly a happy recipient.

DH is also pretty loud and very chatty. He wasn't aware how loud he was but after a lot of nudging he knows to whisper or be quiet. If DS is so cranky that he needs silence all day, I try not to expect DH to not do any talking at all.

DH also did both the patronizing thing ("now, now, it's not that bad") and the trying to fix it thing. I had to explain to him that DS is going through something, he doesn't need him to fix it, he just wants some company and sympathy while he goes through it. That seemed to help.

Lots of good tips by PPs on dealing with the crying. I hope you figure out the cause if it is indeed medical.

Our best combos in the early weeks: pacing LO in a carrier with a vigorous bounce to some pretty loud music, and nursing DS side-lying in a dark room while swaddled with womb sounds playing quite loudly. (We used the Ergobaby swaddler because we were incompetent at getting a tight swaddle with a blanket.)

Hang in there!

mindaa · July 2015

Not much to add, plenty of good suggestions, but my DH surprised me with kind of similar tone, though happens more when diaper changes (ds does not like) then with soothing. But for being such a easy going guy normally, LO's crying really does seem to frustrate him.

Designermomma · July 2015

@ewenner I have the DVD not the book. He teaches the 5 Ss. Same stuff just helps to see it in action. It doesn't always work though. DS1 had GURD/reflux and DS2 had colic. Fun!
If baby is inconsolable/fussy at the same time every day for a few hours it could be colic. Probiotics helped for that. Good news is they grow out of both of those conditions by 6 months.

Another idea: When desparate I would strap baby into his stroller (he's too big for the swing now) and walk around the house. It helped sometimes too.

ewenner · July 2015

Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's good to hear all of your suggestions and also to hear that I am not the only one who has similar problems. As a side note, DH had off work yesterday, and he offered to give me the whole day off - I ran a bunch of errands, had a nice lunch out by myself (and a beer!), and ended with a mani/pedi.

It was awesome for DH to offer me the whole day off - he really does make an effort to be super-involved and helpful. However, after spending all day by himself with the baby, he was clearly frustrated by the constant crying and lack of napping - he handed the kiddo right off to me the moment I walked in the door and then promptly went to bed. This morning, we talked, and he said he didn't realize that it was THAT bad almost every day, and he realizes he needs to work on his patience with the baby (this was all completely unprompted by me). That makes me feel a bit better about it. Now if only we could get the LO to cry less and nap more...

supersarah77 · July 2015

It's hard to see your LO treated in a way that is anything but patient and loving. Our LOs are so precious to us, even when they're fussy. MH isn't as patient with me and it has caused some fights when DD was littler. Now with DS I find it better for my sanity to accept and honor MH's limits. That results in more work for me with the kids but DH contributes more to the rest of the household in other ways.

I watched a TED talk a couple years ago by the founders of Babble that really helped me accept that fathers are often behind mothers in bonding with their kids... By a couple of years! So it makes sense that they'd be more easily frustrated if they don't feel as bonded yet.

Here it is if you're interested: https://www.ted.com/talks/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_talk_parenting_taboos

marijaa333 · July 2015

Yay @ewenner sounds like you and your DH have definitely turned a corner in terms of understanding each other (or he you...)! Congrats on you day off.

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