Overwhelmed

puresunflowers · June 2015

I was wondering if any other expecting mother feel overwhelmed and scared that their spouse will be of no use once the child is born. It seems that all of the household responsibility falls on me as it is. I am terrified that once the baby is born I will have no help, despite my efforts or cries for help. Also, I work a full time job so the exhaustion is very real.

VOR · June 2015

Well, don't let this "just happen". TELL your DH what you need help with. And when it comes to your child, 100% remind him over and over that his is an equal parent in the baby's upbringing. it is NOT all about you.

Additionally- it often becomes easy for the mom to just "do everything". Especially if you nurse and/or stay home for a few weeks while your DH is working. it becomes easy to feel liek you know what needs to be done and your DH doesn't, so.... you might as well do it.

DON'T do this. Hand the baby over. Remember, you're as brand new to this as your DH is. Hand the baby over. Let him figure stuff out too. And LET HIM fail. Don't rush in to fix everything for him. He needs to figure out the baby too. AND ALSO- he may do things differently than you. That is o.k. too.

If you want him to be equal, you have to let him FEEL equal and you have to let him have a say in how things are done. And, as soon as you can, leave him alone w/ the baby. Go out for lunch w/ a friend, go get a pedicure, whatever. Let him be alone. The more time he has w/ the baby, the more say he has in how things are done, the more confident he will be become and the (hopefully) more hands on and involved he will be.

I've seen this stuff playout w/ a few friends. One friend - they went to give the baby a bath. Her DH was like "I don't know how to do that". Well, hell, the first time my friend did it, she didn't either. So, she was basically like "You can figure it out" and she got up and left the bathroom. She made him figure it out for himself!

SharonB222 · June 2015

Studies show this happens the most in Japan, the least in Russian - and a lot in the USA. So in large part it's social. Ask DH what his expectations are, and most importantly what he sees around him. Then explain yours. Studies show we make efforts based on our past experience and peers. My DH is from a third-world country and thinks he is the hot sh*t b/c he does SO MUCH MORE than his dad and peers. He does do a lot, but it is LESS (in some ways) than my dad and peers. So again, social factors. We are still navigating this - and have agreed to hire help if our marriage or children are at risk. Generally women think men do 10% less than they actually do and men think they do 10% more than they actually do. GL!

SLGILL1978 · July 2015

I didn't or don't feel overwhelmed at all. I am the primary caregiver as my husband is in the Army. He missed her birth due to being deployed and he missed her 2nd birthday due to being deployed. He will return home in Sept. When he is home, he is 100% there. He helps with the cleaning and laundry. Do to our schedules and since I have the most flexible job, I am the one to takes off when our daughter is sick, has well baby visits, etc.

nbc2015 · July 2015

I'm worried about this too, so I can relate to the OP. By saving grace will (hopefully) be that my husband loves kids and has always wanted kids (perhaps even more so than me), so I'm hoping he will be happy to pitch in and help. I'm thinking if he gets in the habit of helping (on equal levels) while the baby is cute and cuddly, that will set the foundation for help throughout the journey of raising this child. It's going to be a different way of life, to be sure, and things can't just "stay the same" as they were before. It's not fair to ask our partners to simply "help more" when they should be helping in equal parts.

TwinsCitiesMomma · July 2015

VOR said:
Well, don't let this "just happen". TELL your DH what you need help with. And when it comes to your child, 100% remind him over and over that his is an equal parent in the baby's upbringing. it is NOT all about you.

Additionally- it often becomes easy for the mom to just "do everything". Especially if you nurse and/or stay home for a few weeks while your DH is working. it becomes easy to feel liek you know what needs to be done and your DH doesn't, so.... you might as well do it.

DON'T do this. Hand the baby over. Remember, you're as brand new to this as your DH is. Hand the baby over. Let him figure stuff out too. And LET HIM fail. Don't rush in to fix everything for him. He needs to figure out the baby too. AND ALSO- he may do things differently than you. That is o.k. too.

If you want him to be equal, you have to let him FEEL equal and you have to let him have a say in how things are done. And, as soon as you can, leave him alone w/ the baby. Go out for lunch w/ a friend, go get a pedicure, whatever. Let him be alone. The more time he has w/ the baby, the more say he has in how things are done, the more confident he will be become and the (hopefully) more hands on and involved he will be.

I've seen this stuff playout w/ a few friends. One friend - they went to give the baby a bath. Her DH was like "I don't know how to do that". Well, hell, the first time my friend did it, she didn't either. So, she was basically like "You can figure it out" and she got up and left the bathroom. She made him figure it out for himself!

I wish I had read this 3 months ago!!! OP- follow this gal's advice! Good luck!

HookEmNelson · July 2015

I definitely felt overwhelmed, but that first year really requires so much communication and a build up of spousal support and confidence. I found myself griping too much, when I should have really communicated in a polite way. It affected our marriage in a big way once our little guy hit 1.5 yrs. Learn from these wise ladies and you will be set, friend!

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