Husbands going out with friends question

kmdendy · July 2015

I'm just curious! How often does your husband go out with friends on a weekly basis? This could be a restaurant, bar, or friend's apartment. How long are they gone? Like 5pm-9pm.. 10pm-1 or 2-am? Just curious. I don't want to be overbearing but we do talk about expectations and what's normal for a married dad. Lol just wonderingI what Is normal for your family. He's almost 29. I feel like my social life is slowing down but his isn't. Thanks!

Designermomma · July 2015

My husband does most of his socializing at work/lunch. We are in our upper 30s and don't go out with friends too often. We'll do double dates with friends sometimes and bring our kids. When we had 1 child, and my mom helped watch him frequently we worked out a deal where 1 night a week he could go out and 1 night I would, or stay home and work on a craft or watch a show in peace and the other would watch the kiddo. We tried to pick a day like Thursday were my nights to make it easy to schedule and not have to ask. We try to be home by 9pm

Bigboobsmcgee · July 2015

kmdendy said:

I'm just curious! How often does your husband go out with friends on a weekly basis? This could be a restaurant, bar, or friend's apartment. How long are they gone? Like 5pm-9pm.. 10pm-1 or 2-am? Just curious. I don't want to be overbearing but we do talk about expectations and what's normal for a married dad. Lol just wonderingI what Is normal for your family. He's almost 29. I feel like my social life is slowing down but his isn't. Thanks!

What IS normal for a married dad? Who determines what is normal?!?!

I know you say you don't want to be overbearing but that's exactly what that bolded statement is. I couldn't imagine saying that to my husband. He would laugh in my face.

If you are jealous that he gets to go out more than you then tell him that. Be open and honest about what you are feeling but don't harbor resentment because that will just grow and get worse and worse. People don't have to totally change because they are married and have children. They just need to be thoughtful and fair when it comes to who does what.

I've always said that moms naturally do more work. We do more with the kids, we make more sacrifices and that's sort of just the way it goes. 2 kids later and I feel that even more. My husband goes out without me maybe 1-2 times a month. That's his choice. We are too busy with work and the kids so if we do get a break, we go out together.

Snoflakes4eva · July 2015

kmdendy said:

I'm just curious! How often does your husband go out with friends on a weekly basis? This could be a restaurant, bar, or friend's apartment. How long are they gone? Like 5pm-9pm.. 10pm-1 or 2-am? Just curious. I don't want to be overbearing but we do talk about expectations and what's normal for a married dad. Lol just wonderingI what Is normal for your family. He's almost 29. I feel like my social life is slowing down but his isn't. Thanks!

My H is 31 and every 3-4 weeks he goes to the city (we live in the suburbs) for a guys night. He normally leave around 4-5pm and comes home really late. Maybe 2-3am.

I think its important to still maintain friendship after having a baby but there needs to be a balance. If once a week is too much for you, say something.

MrsStanger · July 2015

Every Wednesday I can plan on being alone with the kids. EVERY Wednesday. He goes to guys night and at first I resented him for it, but we talked about what "our" expectations were/are and he agreed to one night a week for me to get out as well...Well my night out consists mainly of the grocery store and that isn't until the kids are in bed.

I would go out with girl friends and miss my kids so bad it just isn't worth it to me. if he is able to be away from us and is content with the end results that's up to him. During his time away with the guys I don't make any extra effort to catch any firsts on camera for him. If he were away for work then of course it would be different and I have explained that to him. He is gone until about 8pm and is usually home just in time to tuck the kids in.

We used to fight about this often but in hind sight its one on one time with my babies. If they fall and get an ouchie and we are both home they prefer me to comfort them. My husband will try but its the familiar that they stick to. Sure I sound a bit petty about not capturing the firsts but I would rather be present in that moment than trying to document it. he can take a picture at a later date and pretend that was the first step. for all we know that's what the baby sitter has done!

We are both in our 30's and have been married almost 5 years now. If it bothers you enough to feel spiteful about it then you should for sure sit down and communicate with him...

Good Luck!

Bigboobsmcgee · July 2015

MrsStanger said:

Every Wednesday I can plan on being alone with the kids. EVERY Wednesday. He goes to guys night and at first I resented him for it, but we talked about what "our" expectations were/are and he agreed to one night a week for me to get out as well...Well my night out consists mainly of the grocery store and that isn't until the kids are in bed.
I would go out with girl friends and miss my kids so bad it just isn't worth it to me. if he is able to be away from us and is content with the end results that's up to him. During his time away with the guys I don't make any extra effort to catch any firsts on camera for him. If he were away for work then of course it would be different and I have explained that to him. He is gone until about 8pm and is usually home just in time to tuck the kids in.
We used to fight about this often but in hind sight its one on one time with my babies. If they fall and get an ouchie and we are both home they prefer me to comfort them. My husband will try but its the familiar that they stick to. Sure I sound a bit petty about not capturing the firsts but I would rather be present in that moment than trying to document it. he can take a picture at a later date and pretend that was the first step. for all we know that's what the baby sitter has done!
We are both in our 30's and have been married almost 5 years now. If it bothers you enough to feel spiteful about it then you should for sure sit down and communicate with him...
Good Luck!

This is incredibly petty. People in a respectful, happy relationship shouldn't be petty like that. You obviously are holding some resentment because of him going out so instead of stewing, talk to him.

MrsStanger · July 2015

As I stated that I can be. Its not that I am not just being petty and making sure I don't do it for him. I don't do it at all. My time with my children is spent as a family not me holding electronic devices. of any kind. So if DS decides to walk it wont be on camera at all. eventually pictures will be taken but the children will never know a week from the first steps.

Bigboobsmcgee · July 2015

MrsStanger said:

As I stated that I can be. Its not that I am not just being petty and making sure I don't do it for him. I don't do it at all. My time with my children is spent as a family not me holding electronic devices. of any kind. So if DS decides to walk it wont be on camera at all. eventually pictures will be taken but the children will never know a week from the first steps.

You specifically said that if he's out with the guys, you won't make extra effort but if he was away for work, that would be different. It's cool whatever you do, I obviously don't know you, just own it. That's all I'm saying. And then the comment about how your kids prefer you when you are both home. Kids usually do prefer mom. I doubt that his guy's nights make the kids love him any less. I'll stop. I'm sure I'm reading too much into your posts but they sound like they are dripping with disdain towards your H.

It just takes so much energy to be angry and jealous so I'd rather talk things through and make sure we are both happy with the situation.

ETA: I don't mean to pick on you specifically, I just feel strongly about your post and had to share my opinion. Could have been anyone.

kmdendy · July 2015

I'm a teacher that works days .. My husband works in a restaurant. He used to go out 2-3 times a week until 3am with friends. Now it's cut back to 2-3 times a week until 1:30am. I feel like that's excessive. We do argue about it often. He also used to go to bars.. He cut it back to now mostly just going over his friends apartment. Our daughter is 14 months and we are due with another in September. It's just hard working days and him working nights and never seeing him.. It's just hard. It would be so much nicer if he worked days and could hangout with friends between like 5-10pm lol.. But I know it's not as easy as that. I'm lucky he is such a great dad to our daughter. He has her monday -fri 7-4pm and I know he deserves a break too.

SharonB222 · July 2015

LOL - In our mid to late 40s with babies, what are nights out? We have individual weekend activities - he'll go biking in the morning, I'll do an afternoon house party. Otherwise everything is a family activity. That said, I did go out to see a friend's dance performance last month, from 7-12. DH went to work late last week 8-10. Sleep deprivation and continued overnight wakenings is hard on us old folks so generally DH is in bed at 9 (cares for DS) and up at 4 for work; I am to bed at 10 and up at 4 (care for DS) briefly until 7 if the kids and cat will allow it. I get envious of DH's time alone (he likes to bicycle, run, work out), but when it's my turn to have time alone... oh - wait - that's right now! here I am online and -at my DH's insistence- my next individual activity is a nap. GL finding what works for you all!

Maladroit · July 2015

@kmdendy My H and I are 31 and 30 respectively and we almost never go out. He plays soccer on Sunday afternoons with the guys alone usually since I work weekends (so we get a sitter for that) and he might go out on Thursday night to a bar to play volleyball with my coworkers and won't be home til 9:30 or 10. I've gone out with my friends maybe twice since baby G was born a year ago and stayed out til 10 or 11. We've talked about it and we both encourage the other one to 'get some alone time' often, but it's never at a bar or out late. We just don't feel like that's fair parenting. I'm a nurse and work crazy hours at a high-stress job, he's got a low-stress 9-5. I'm sorry, but your situation makes me sad and if I were in that situation, it'd be a big problem for me! I wouldn't be happy and would wonder why he feels the need to be gone all the time with no regard to my needs or sanity. Not judging, just trying to put myself in your shoes and think I'd be crying a lot and questioning his happiness in his new role.

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