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October 2015 Moms
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Friend's miscarriage due date approaching. WWYD.

McRadMcRad member
in October 2015 Moms
Hey ladies, I'm turning to you for advise on what you would do or have done in this situation. One of my very best girlfriend's lost her baby to miscarriage early in her pregnancy. I never heard a due date, but she should have had her baby early August and it is quickly approaching.

She has been a roller coaster of emotions, as expected. They had been trying for a year and just when they were going to throw in the towel for a bit, she got her positive reading. Since she lost it, it's been one day she says she is good and the next she is completely broken.

When she first told me she lost her baby, I had mailed her a box of pick-me-ups: some tissues, a Willow Tree 'Strength' Figurine, a journal, some candy to go with a movie night, etc. We live 2K miles apart so it's tricky showing support from so far away.
I'm curious if I should send her another box in August?

My concern is that I don't want to reopen a wound and throw salt in it but I also don't want her to think she's alone and forgotten about in this. (To clarify, she does have a husband, but I just want to be there for her as a friend and another supporter, if that makes sense.)

I know I'm the prime example of what she should be experiencing in life right now and I've really been sensitive to not shove my pregnancy in her face and always change the topic as quickly as possible when it comes up, but I also want her to know my heart is broken for her. I'm sad for her, wanting to be a friend in this situation without overstepping boundaries.

So, with all that said, what would you do? What have you done if you've been in this situation?
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Re: Friend's miscarriage due date approaching. WWYD.

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  • candicequeencandicequeen member
    The card is a great idea. Tell her you are always here to talk then she knows you are just a call away
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  • MirandaC1984MirandaC1984 member
    Having lost a pregnancy in October of last year I know what it feels like to lose one but feel thankful that I will due around the one year mark of our loss. However, I maybe wouldn't send anything but send a nice text on that day telling her you are thinking of her. Or just call to chat. If she wants to talk about it she will and if not, you won't reopen that sore wound. 
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  • carlymarie021carlymarie021 member
    I think if it's at all possible just be there for her on those days if u can. Sit with her on the phone and let her talk/cry let it out. Maybe convince her to speak to a professional for help with grievance? I think sending her positive things .. Not I'm sorry you feel this way cards. Because she has to move on from this tragedy. You have already sent her a care package for that. Try and explain to her that she has a new chapter in her life to start. Tell her to continue the fight if she still chooses. To have a pregnancy taken from you is probably earth shattering. You are a great friend for being so concerned! Keep up positive vibes.
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  • CodiSilsbyCodiSilsby member
    I would have loved the gesture, on a good day or a bad day, of a card/gift/call/text - anything to acknowledge what we had been through and the open the dialogue if I wanted to. You are so incredibly sweet to think about this. No one, not even my husband, acknowledged our due date and it was a hard day (week/month/year if I'm being honest). You're a good friend!
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  • MommyPhoenixMommyPhoenix member

    I suffered a loss back in August of last year, my dear angel baby would've been due May 1st of this year. It was very emotional for me when May came around but I did appreciate the little notes that I received, the "thinking of you" notes from friends and family. A note, text or a call would be appropriate I would think. For myself, although I would appreciate the gift, I think it might trigger a flood of emotions for me, both because of the thoughtfulness and the memory of the loss.

     

        

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  • CarmofrapCarmofrap member
    when I lost my first I just wanted people to leave me alone. I didn't want people to ask me about it or talk about it, but I do remember that I was sent a bouquet of flowers shortly after and it was touching so i'm sure your first gift was very healing, at a year I think I would have rather just had some ask me how I was doing and to let me talk if I had wanted to. But I still don't like talking about it, It's in the past and life is for the living. I think you are a very sweet friend and no matter what you do she will feel that you love her. Call her, ask her how she's doing, send her a gift, a card, It's all very thoughftul and the wounds there, you can't reopen it She'll pack that around until she's ready to let go and when she does your thoughtfulness will not hurt her and until she does it will show her she is loved and you are thinking of her little lost one.
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  • lauralise81lauralise81 member
    It's sweet of you to think of her in that way. I had a loss back in October and our child would've been due June 20th. The day came and passed quietly and I recognized it uneventfully, exactly how I wanted. For me no attention was better but each person handles these things in their own way. Do what you think would be best for your friend.
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  • amberrmariee20amberrmariee20 member
    I know your trying to be a great friend and all, but that's probably not something she wants to be reminded of. Maybe on that day just call and talk to her, without mentioning it.
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  • gogracegograce member
    I think maybe a nice card, telling her you love her and are always there for her when she needs you. I think she will know what the card is being sent for without you having to say it.
    That way, you aren't opening up old wounds, but you're still acknowledging it.
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  • hmhierholzerhmhierholzer member
    I am approaching the due date for the baby I lost in December. Even though I am so beyond happy to be pregnant again, I know it's going to be a really tough day. In my opinion, it's an extremely kind and wonderful gesture to send her something to let her know you care and are thinking about her. More than likely, she will be thinking about it the entire day anyways, so I'm sure she will need something to cheer her up (I know I will!)
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  • casserole27casserole27 member
    edited June 2015
    I dunno if I would say anything to bring a lot of attention to it.
    She's most likely going to be thinking about it, but may not want to talk about it with anyone.

    You could maybe send her some flowers or something anonymously during that week.
    But I think the "Just because" note idea is probably best.



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  • kaza512kaza512 member
    I work with pregnant women who have losses as a therapist and my experience is that the saddest part after a loss is the loneliness. Everyone is afraid to talk about it with them for the very reasons you mentioned. She may not want to go into detailed conversations, but I assure you, she has not forgotten her due date is coming up, so you are not bringing up a burried memory. A simple, "I am thinking about you and your baby and I am here if you want to talk" will let her know you are there but respect her space as well.
    No one has ever complained to me that people cared enough to contact them, but they have complained that no one remembered or seemed to care.

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  • myxunyamaexiongmyxunyamaexiong member
    You are a great friend! My bestfriend of almost 30 years just sent me a text when I m/c'd... :(
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  • MamaOwl15MamaOwl15 member
    I lost a baby in September, who would've been due April 15. Maybe it's partly because I'm already pregnant again, but I really didn't want to think about the baby that day. I thought about visiting the grave site, but never got a chance, and I think it's just as well. I feel like I've moved on and that wound is healed. That's just me, though, I can't speak for your friend.

    I think sending her a "thinking of you" card and/or calling her up on her would-be due date would be a good idea. She may need a friend to talk to, or she may not want to talk about the baby. But knowing that someone remembered that this date was approaching and caring enough to reach out to her, I'm sure would be meaningful.

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  • audreyb12audreyb12 member
    I think it's a great idea to do something for her to show her you care and you're thinking of her during this time. Sometimes it's hard when you're broken and you feel like everyone else is just going about their normal lives like everything is fine. I think it would mean a lot to her to know that even though it's been a few months, you still haven't forgotten about what she's going through. If you're worried about putting salt on an open wound, maybe you could get her a gift that doesn't suggest the miscarriage. Just a random gift from a friend :)
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  • karlimelisskarlimeliss member
    I lost a pregnancy at 10 weeks in August. I was pregnant with this baby when the due date happened in March. I have a 3 year old son already so I knew I could have children and felt grateful that my body miscarried a pregnancy that was abnormal. I honestly forgot about the due date all together. Miscarriages in the first trimester are most commonly caused because of a genetic abnormality in the fetus detected by the body. Natures way of making sure you have a healthy baby. While it was still hard to go through, and certainly put me in high alert with this pregnancy, I never felt like I lost a child. I do suspect that when the miscarriage happens before having a successful pregnancy the emotion of fear and uncertainty that it will never happen makes it much more difficult to deal with.
    If she is still trying to get pregnant she is most likely feeling emotional exhausted because of that as well. Making sure she is taking care of herself will only help with her becoming pregnant and that is going to be the best thing to help her get over this trying time. IMO anything wellness related (spa day, bath salts, healthy teas,) at anytime would be well received and helpful. My mom had her cleaning lady come clean my house and I loved it. I had a few friends bring by dinner and when you are feeling down a good healthy hot meal does make you feel better. I know you said you are far away so maybe a gift card for take out to her favorite place would be nice. I know when I'm feeling down I don't feel like cooking but also don't like going out to eat.
    And after saying all that, a simple call just saying I don't know how you are feeling but I want you to know you are in my thoughts is always nice.
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  • twogirlsandagreentwogirlsandagreen member
    Maybe an angel wing necklace? Or a beautiful candle she can light when she is feeling sad?
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  • McRadMcRad member
    Thank you so much for the insights you ladies have to this very touchy and sensitive subject. @karlimeliss she hasn't started trying again since and has said she doesn't want to for fear of "replacing her baby". It was very early on and I think logically she knows abnormalities were there, therefore leading to a miscarriage but emotionally I think she's stuck in the "I should be (fill in the the blank) months". Every cycle she has an emotional crash and completely falls apart. It's tough to see someone so close so broken. :/
    It was her first time pregnant and she had struggled to get a positive test for a year and so I think, like you said, the fear is right there since it finally happened and it slipped through her fingers.

    @kaza512 thank you for your insights on the opposite side of the equation. Like you said, she most certainly has not forgotten her due date. I'm sure some may, but she's been struggling the closer August comes. I'm very aware to leave the door of communication open, but like you said respectful of her not wanting to talk. Sometimes it's nice to not have to discuss an emotionally charged topic but simply knowing someone remembers and someone is thinking about you is helpful and enough.


    I think a small acknowledgment is the way to go, like you all have suggested. I thought about this last night and related it to the loss of a family member, ie a grandparent, parent, sibling, etc. and I think on that situation a card and something small to say I'm thinking of you would be appropriate. I think I'll apply that mindset to this situation.

    Again, to all of you who have been through this, my heart breaks for you and I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to give me some feedback.
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  • erynmberynmb member
    This is such a difficult situation, I feel you on it. My best friend got pregnant at the same time as me and lost her baby early in the pregnancy. I also have a friend that was a couple months behind me that recently lost hers. It's hard because I almost feel like when I post things about my pregnancy on social media it reminds her and hurts. Sometimes I feel like I am walking on egg shells with it because I really don't want to see her hurt, we've been best friends since we were 10.
    I think like everyone else is saying, just a card maybe and telling her you're here for her if she wants to talk is the best. If she wants to talk about it she will, at least you've given her that option.
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  • BRBaby1012BRBaby1012 member
    I think it really depends on your friend. As someone who has experienced two miscarriages, I really didn't want to talk about or be reminded of our losses on those days. I just wasn't in a place to deal with those emotions, and I needed to function. On the other hand, I can see that someone else really might appreciate the gesture. I think just being available for her- giving her the opening to talk about it if she needs to- is great. If she then brings up the loss, sending a small gift would be wonderful.
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  • LLynde5LLynde5 member
    I have been in this situation with my cousin and it's heartbreaking. I would personally send a card before her due date and just remind her you are always thinking of her and are there if she needs anything. On the due date I would call and just listen. (I would let her bring it up) You are a great friend, she is very lucky to have you!!
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