i don't deserve this baby..

amsylvia · June 2015

hey all, so i really need some advice and would love to know if anyone else is feeling the same way as myself.. i am extremely depressed. i have had mental illness from a fairly young age. depression, anxiety, and PTSD. well on top of my normal depression, these pregnancy hormones have me crying literally 4-5 times a day. i am also a recovering addict with 52 days clean today, so on top of all of that, i am going through the normal recovery process which also involves a lot of emotions.. i am always upset, most of the time i have no idea why..

i love my son more than anything and am extremely grateful for him because if i didn't get pregnant, i don't think i would have gotten clean. i have so much stuff going on right now and feel extremely stressed out. i am homeless and on a waiting list for a halfway house which will allow me to stay with my son and get the help that i need. i do not have a steady income although i did just apply for TAFDC. my baby's father is in jail and will be there for a while, so not having him here has been really hard on me. i feel so alone all the time. i mean i am literally ALWAYS crying. i am crying as i type this. has anybody else been this emotional?

i love my son soo much already. this pregnancy was unplanned. and happened at an inconvenient time. i was in the middle of active addiction, homeless as i said above, with no money. i have been trying very very hard to change my life around as much as possible to provide my child with the life he deserves. i am not saying i regret my son, because i do not!! i love him soo very much, and cry out of happiness every time i feel him kick. but i feel as if i wish i was more careful protection wise with having sex. and i feel so terribly bad saying that. i know soo many people want to have children so badly and they can't. but i almost feel like i don't deserve such a blessing!

i have heard of woman throughout their pregnancy feeling detached from their baby, or maybe not being too excited about having a child. this is not what i am experiencing. it's just that my life is so all over the place, i just want to get settled before he arrives so i can provide him with stability. i have been so overwhelmed with worrying that i won't get everything i need in time. as i don't have any money, and won't be having a baby shower because i literally don't have any friends or family..i am so much!!

i guess i am looking for advice about ways to calm myself down, as my anxiety has been through the roof lately. and has anybody felt like they didn't deserve their baby? or wish they would have been more careful with an unplanned pregnancy??

leighann1 · June 2015

It sounds like you are suffering from some pretty serious depression. Are you seeing a doctor? I would call soon (like today) to talk to someone. There are many safe anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications that can help. I speak from experience when I say that helping yourself is the best thing you can do for your baby. Zoloft is my miracle medicine.

Edit to say: You are amazing and so strong for getting sober!!

babybumb1229 · June 2015

I'm so sorry to hear what's going on with you and your baby and I pray for your family. I also felt I should have been more careful with my unplanned pregnancy I would have wished later on more in life I could have been more stable and not rely on my husband so much I feel like a burden to him and he says things to sometimes make me feel like I am since after finding out i was pregnant i gave a letter to work and they fired me. My plan was always finish school graduate with my major in psychology but life throws curve balls but I'm happy for this baby and I feel with prayer and God on my side I can accomplish anything and everything I just say hang in there you are strong very strong and I believe you will accomplish what you want to accomplish for you and your baby.

mommy_wife_nurse · June 2015

I completely agree with @leighann1 !

I was on antidepressants when I became pregnant, and thankfully was able to come off them. It is SO hard some days! I had to come off of them because I plan to breastfeed and the one I was on isn't safe for that. I would talk to a Dr and see what your options are. THERE IS HELP! Hang in there dear, you are doing what is best for your baby and you should be proud of that.

MrsFaust1432 · June 2015

I don't have any personal experiences to share with you, but I do want to say that it sounds like you are taking all the right steps towards doing what is right for your son. I applaud you decision to get clean and stay clean and also the help that you are getting so far. I agree with PP and think talking to a professional can help a lot. I am sorry you are going through this but I will be praying for you and your baby boy.

Sbrouwer0706 · June 2015

Try to see if you have a local non-profit in your area. Family resource centers often have food pantrys, counseling, and parenting classes that they may offer. I would just be trying to get as much help as you can. The best thing you can do for baby is to take care of yourself.

The initiative that you are showing proves the love you have for your child and that shows you are a good mom.

loveleighmami · June 2015

We all have our faults, don't beat yourself up over yours. It sounds like you are overcoming so much, don't give up! Stay strong!

Wigglesx2 · June 2015

The girls above gave some good advice. I just want to share a little encouragement.

You're excited.
You're healing and working on yourself.
You're getting help (such as signing up for housing etc).
You love this child.
You're looking for ways to help get through this in healthy ways.
You're thinking of your future and his.

You are doing a great job so far so just focusing on all the positive stuff you are doing and not on the past. This child deserves someone who will do that - and you are!! Give yourself a pat on the back - it'll make you feel better. Keep your head up and keep asking and looking for ways to better the situation. You can do this.

anorthro · June 2015

@amsylvia, I wish you all the best. I remember being in early recovery and it was overwhelming and scary enough without the anticipation of being responsible for another life. You can only do the best you can right now, and that means taking care of yourself. Your recovery is the most important thing right now - without it, everything else will suffer. It sounds like you know that and are doing everything you can for yourself and this baby. Congrats on your 52 days. That is a huge deal!

I don't know what else to say to offer help, but I can tell you that even though I've been clean/sober for over 13 years, I still do not always feel fit to be a mother to this baby. I still sometimes feel like I'm too messed up to do a good job. Please feel free to send me a private message any time if you need to talk about recovery. You really do have this - your life is going to just get better and better if you keep taking the steps you're taking.

NicoleAndDerrick · June 2015

@amsylvia Wow congrats on 52 days sober! My sister has been battling addiction for years now and I can only imagine your struggles. All of us are emotional for no reason. Last week I cried during a dimensia commercial! So don't fret we are all crying for no reason. You are so strong though for all that you are going through. Just because you weren't planning your little blessing and you feel like this isn't the right time, doesn't make you a bad person. You're right, it could have come when you had less chaos in your life, but I believe everything happens for a reason and maybe he is your little way out of the life you lived and onto something bigger and better. Sure it's not the best circumstances to bring a little person into the world but from what I hear you saying you are trying your absolute hardest to make the necessary changes. That's what makes a good mother. Keep your head up, you will make it through. There are a lot of resources out there. Try to keep looking and apply for everything you find. Good luck and congrats on becoming a mom

kathyxoxo · June 2015

first of all i want you to look in the mirror and say im beautiful , im a great mother , my child is healthy and beautiful , i will overcome any obstacles in life , iam strong , & i will do anything to give my son a great life, i will seek for Help & talk to your doctor about whats going on but most importantly i will seek for God so he can give you the strength you need because remember he wont give you anything you cant handle and he certainly has very strong soldiers and youre one of them , keep doing a great Job and remember the best is yet to come , once you see your little boy in your arms nothing else will matter , Good luck & we are all here to support you.

amsylvia · July 2015

oh my goodness! i am so overwhelmed (in a good way!) with all the support i have received from all of you amazing women!! thank you so much for all of your kind words! i am going to call my doctor tomorrow and see about an anti-depressant. but i want all of you to know, you guys are awesome! reading all of your comments i was crying (what else is new, lol) because you all made me feel worthy of my son! thank you sooo much for all the support!!! honestly, i wasn't even gonna bother checking this right now, i figured i'd call it an early night, but i am soo happy that i did! i have the corniest smile on my face as i'm typing this, and am looking forward to a good long overdue talk with God! i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and i believe this baby was meant to turn my life around like you said! @NicoleAndDerrick. i have a lot of shame and guilt for using in the beginning of my pregnancy, but this is the longest amount of clean time i have ever been able to obtain! and my little boy is my motivation for wanting a better life not only for him but also for myself! and thank you very much @Wigglesx2 for listing that out for me. they are all things i should know, but i really appreciate you writing them out for me. it really made me think about all i am doing! so thank you!! and same to you @kathyxoxo as i was reading your comment the tears were really rolling down my face. i am definitely going to look in the mirror and do that!! thank you for that! and to everyone else, thank you all again, all of your kind words and support mean more to me than you even know !!

MamaOwl15 · July 2015

First of all, congrats on 52 days clean!

I don't know what your religious beliefs are, or if you believe in God or fate, but I think some things happen for a reason. Maybe your son being conceived was meant to be so you'd have an impetus to get off drugs and start working on getting your life in order. Your child could literally be saving your life.

To say you don't deserve this child because you weren't really in a good place in your life to become a parent when he was conceived is untrue. I have felt that way toward my children, that I don't deserve them, but these kids are a gift - it's not about whether or not you "deserve" to be a mom. It's about being the best mom you can be.

If you can, I'd reach out to a local pregnancy resource center. These places exist to help mothers like you. They can help you get baby items you need, through donations, they often have counselors on staff who can talk to you, and they'll cheer you on in your journey toward recovery.

Also, if you haven't already, apply for Medicaid, food stamps and WIC. Medicaid, at least where I live, covers mental health services, so if you need some medications to help, you'd get those covered. Along with possible counseling.

Another place to reach out to if you can might be Goodwill. They work with people recovering from addictions and transitioning out of jail/prison to help them get job-ready and even find work. I don't know what you've got where you live, but in my area they have workforce centers you can go to.

Whatever you end up doing, I wish you luck!

amberrmariee20 · July 2015

Just want to say I've watched my sister battle with addiction for 15 years. It took a huge tole on her life. She was always in and out of jail. She is now clean and has a house and a fiancé. Just wanted to say your doing amazing being clean, especially for your son, it seems you do have a lot of issues of your own that you need to work out, I would get in to see your doctor and look for maybe a medication to make you not depressed. It doesn't make you a bad person to take medication that is necessary for your well being and your sons. Best of luck to you and your son.

danixbanani24 · July 2015

I just want to say that my father struggled with addiction when I was very young and I have never, not once, thought any less of him. He got his life together, overcame his addiction, and I love him so very much. Just hearing you say all the reasons you love your son and why you want to continue to get you together for him - he will love you so much for it. Hang in there.

jenn2132 · July 2015

Sweetie it's never too late to make changes and turn things around and it sounds like you are doing everything in your power to make changes for the better for you and your child. It takes baby steps, one little step at a time. I've gotten through struggles in my life where I felt hopeless too but I took one day at a time and soon each little step forward amounted to a giant leap to get me where I needed be. Believe in yourself you are stronger than you know. (((Hugs)))

candicequeen · July 2015

Congrats on getting clean! Take it all one day at a time and keep working towards your goals. You deserve to be a mom and are going to be a great one. Utilize all the resources you can and if possible see if you can find a local church to join perhaps? You might meet some new supportive friends there too!

Shanice3762 · July 2015

Noone is perfect and you are stronger than you think you are to have so much going on. See a doctor about your depression and keep pushing forward and in due time everything with piece itself together. Sending love and prayers.

angela_angel · July 2015

I was extremely overwhelmed by this post, I wish I could just take you in my arms and give you the biggest hug!!!!

You just proved how much you do deserve this baby by being honest with yourself, and putting your son first! 52 days clean is a HUGE accomishment and I am so proud of you for taking the first steps toward a happy, healthy future for you and your little guy. You can do this @amsylvia!!! Please don't ever doubt your worth again, because once you look that beautiful boy in the eyes, you will finally know what true, real love is. You will be his world and worth more to him than you can ever imagine!!!! Sending you lots of love!!!

QueenWaldorf2 · July 2015

I just wanted to say I think addiction has touched most people's lives in a way to know how difficult recovery is and it's so great you've been clean for 52 days! That is a great accomplishment and not one to take for granted.
I think you are going through a lot right now and think you are definitely going through the proper steps to give you and your son a better future which I also commend you for.
You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope the best for the two of you.
I do think you need to have a little faith in yourself. You honestly deserve it.
You aren't playing the victim and regardless of your situation have been getting up and doing something about your situation which really does say a lot.
Another resource to try is see if maybe some local churches have anything that could help. Maybe some food or even a place to stay. Good luck! I have faith that you can make a happy life for your son and you should too!

baconlady · July 2015

I agree with many of the pp. It is definitely never too late. You are doing great so far ! It's a tough road . Just don't give up! In the future you'll look back at this and be in a better place and it'll just be a reminder of how strong you are. Motherhood itself is the biggest motivation I've ever had to always try to be the best version of myself. There are many churches that have helpful programs for pregnant women . Good luck!! I hope you find the support you need and overcome this. (Hugs)

ameares721 · July 2015

This is such an inspiring thread!!! You are all so wonderful and encouraging. In regards to pregnancies being "unplanned" - there is a reason for this child being conceived at this time in your life! If it was during an addiction, the child may have saved your life! For anyone else, this child's plan may be so great and perfect that it had to be now. When I thought of having children, I always wanted a baby born in the summer like me and my husband. Here I am in the October thread

but honestly, this plan works out so much better than the one I thought I wanted for myself.

Rikki_5 · July 2015

All the other ladies have given great advice. You should be proud for turning your life around. It definitely isn't easy but you are doing the right thing. Just keep thinking of the life you want for yourself and your child and work towards that each day. Your baby is the most important thing and you can do anything for him! I hope that you get into that halfway house and start realizing that you are worthy enough to be this child's parent. God chose you for a reason to have this baby and you will be blessed! Just keep the faith and keep on working towards the life you want. Bless you!

emeraudecephiro · July 2015

I know my community mental health center (and many others) operate on sliding scales and if you have none they will work with you. You have gotten so far already, I know you can continue to get even better

adriennerose80 · July 2015

My mother (both my parents actually) were recovering heroin addicts when I was born. My dad was there physically but he is a piece of shit person and played a big part in my brother and me moving from dingy apartment to motel room every 6 months because my parents couldn't hold jobs or keep places to stay.

My mom, however, still made it her mission to love us unconditionally, to give us what we needed and to be there for us when we needed her. She denied herself a lot to make sure we never felt unloved or realized how bad off we were. When I think of my childhood I think of super fun birthday parties, at home dance parties, my mom in the front row of every recital/awards ceremony and lots of laughter.

If you love your son he will have these memories too. Your past sins and your current situation do not mean you will be a bad mother. It means you have a second chance to have a good life, and the fact that you are so worried only shows how much of a good mother you are going to be. Don't ever think you don't deserve this baby - no one is automatically better than you because they were fortunate enough to have easier lives.

amsylvia · July 2015

you ladies are all sooo terrific!! i love coming on here and reading every one of your posts! it's amazing how some kind words go such a long way!! i guess i was just feeling really guilty and ashamed. i mean, i am soo proud of myself for having this clean time, this is the longest amount of time i haven't used since i started! but i still can't seem to shake the guilt of using during the first couple of months of my pregnancy. i talk to my baby all the time and apologize over and over again for forcing that poison into his body and promise him all the time i will never make him do another drug again! i just feel so ashamed that i knew i was pregnant but still chose to use. i know it's not like i can go back in time and change what i've done, although i wish i could. i just gotta keep in mind that i can change the future with today's decisions.

and i'm really starting to accept that although unplanned, this child is truly the miracle i've been praying for! if it was not for this little guy, i know i would still be out on the streets shooting up heroin, and i am soo appreciative that he has motivated to become a better person for not only him but for myself!!

but i want to let you all know in the last couple of days i have reached out a lot. i joined something called the 'healthy families program' and they help with community services!! so i'm really excited about that, and i was almost embarrassed to put this, but i asked my counselor to start seeing him twice a week, so that's the plan, which i think will be very helpful! and my biggest supporter, as always, is God. cause i would not be here without him!!!
& again, thank you all sooo much for the support, it means soo much to me!!

carlymarie021 · July 2015

It pains me to hear that your going through such a rough time right now. Coming from someone who suffers from depression and anxiety. It is extremely debilitating. I have a long line of women in my family with mental illnesses. I applaud you on staying clean while battling through your illness! Your bravery and courage will pay off. The most important thing to do Is to continue to see your counselor and not to lie to him/her. Tell them everything!! I can't stress enough how important that is. Your strength is impeccable. God will see you through. You and your baby have each other. YOU are NOT alone. I wish I could hug you through my phone !!! Xoxox though we cannot choose how and why things happen to us. We have the power to change it!!! Your in my prayers love. Keep your head up. We're all here to talk too whenever you need

caffeinatedkat · July 2015

I would be careful who you tell this story to. 52 days clean and 6 months pregnant? Homeless, these are all things that can get that baby taken away. Not to mention the baby itself may be born with issues. I am happy you have a place to share these things but this is not something you can share with just anyone. It takes one upset family member or a woman with fertility issues to hear you venting. It takes one phone call. Beside your OB who needs to know so they can get extra testing done on baby keep this story close to the best so to the vest so to speak and good luck.

missey981 · July 2015

Being a drug and alcohol counselor our facility takes women who are pregnant and helps them get clean. Our goal is to have a drug free baby. The women give birth while they are with us. Mom and baby stay until 6 weeks after birth bc all the hormones and chance of relapse. I would suggest reaching out for help. Children services can be scary because all we hear is "how they take kids" but as s professional I'd recommend contacting them yourself and asking for help. They may know of resources to help with stable/safe housing and counseling that sounds like it's desperately needed. I wish you the best of luck! You can do this!

carlymarie021 · July 2015

Living in western NY .. I have a family member who had some problems and it took a lot to have her children taken they try and help the mother first. Like what @missey981 1 said. They have so many children in state custody. They need a lot of evidence of abuse. My aunt worked for child protective services in Florida. And it's pretty much the same for her. She has situations where she has no control and has to prove ALOT that the mother is unfit and these women are far worse off than she is. She is actively looking for help like she stated. She does see a counselor and she is clean as far as what she says. If she sticks to what she is doing and is actively looking for work and to improve her life... From experience with family and having a family member in child services field...she should be just fine. Stick to what your counselor suggests and work hard for your baby. Your life will change it will pay off

Edited for typos

amsylvia · July 2015

thanks all, and i am well aware about the chances of my son being taken away from me @caffeinatedkat . up here it is called dcf (department of children and families) and they are already involved in my situation. i do not hide anything and am very honest. they have already been requesting my urines from my OB. at first obviously they were all dirty, but i do have a few clean ones now. i know that i have a fight up ahead of me for custody of my son. and that is something i am thinking about constantly. obviously the last thing in the world that i want is to be separated from my child. but i have been preparing myself for the battle. i keep records and document everything. every NA/AA meeting i go to i have someone sign a paper for me, i have reached out to many community services and programs to help me, i go to drug counseling, and many other things. i know it's going to be very hard and believe me i am terrified, but i can't go back and change the past, all i can do for this little boy and myself is stay clean and drug free, and continue to work on myself and situation that way i can be the best mother/provider/protector for my baby.. thanks for the concern though !

beanie1977 · July 2015

If you're a recovering addict, is there an NA or AA meeting nearby? People I know have been part of 12 step recovery and received lots of help- not only emotionally and in terms of the addiction but people have rallied around them to help them find support. Calling your doctor is also important of course! Additionally checking out local agencies that provide services to low income families is a good start. Here we have a women and children's clothing and food bank and the provide classes and things for new moms.

Good luck. It sounds like you're taking the right steps!

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