Conflict between SO & I... Please help!!

mbecca11 · June 2015

So my boyfriend and I have come to a point where we view things differently, and I don't know how to resolve it. I am here already collecting hand-me-down newborn clothes, planning the nursery colors, and getting excited about setting up our little girl's room. He on the other hand seems to think we don't need a nursery at all. He thinks the baby is fine to sleep with us and that she doesn't need a space for her crib, dresser, bookcase, rocking chair, etc. and all her other baby things. We have a room for them (his current office) and I suggested a place where we can move his desk, but he absolutely refuses and says things like "We can put her stuff out in the garage." I don't know if this is typical of guys with their first child and if it's something that will pass, or if this is something that needs to be handled in a certain way. Please help me ladies!!

amm0512 · June 2015

Can you split his office for now? Maybe just move in the crib first, let him get used to it. Then as clothes start piling up on his desk, he'll be more succeptible to the idea of a dresser. This is baby #2 for DH and me, but he is acting a little weird this time. I'm planning to keep the baby in our room till she's about six months, and if she's sleeping through the night by then, then we can move her to share a room with DS. DH is trying to act like she can be in the same room as DS as soon as she comes home. They're just men.

We kept DS in a bassinet in our room for a couple months...maybe that is what your SO is thinking about? Or does he want to cosleep? You can also look at a sidecar. Don't give up on your SO! This is a new and challenging time, even for second, third, or fourth time parents.

Mizuiro007 · June 2015

With my first my husband went through this thing where he initially helped me get a couple bigger things then refused to even let me get them out of the box to check everything was there and working. He refused to do anything with the room and if I bought things I tucked them away in the back of the closet or at my mom's house.

I think some guys have a hard time processing what's happening, especially with the first one. They aren't always good at sorting through emotions to tell you what's going on either.

Eventually my husband told me he was so excited but he couldn't take that level of excitement the whole pregnancy. He didn't know how to balance it so he just shut down. Maybe give him some time but don't let it keep you from buying things and preparing. I got so stressed out about it and my husband finally suprised me the week of the due date and had done the whole nursery.

Sometimes guys talking to other parents helps. My husband would talk to coworkers and that seemed to help him process. I also had to tell him that I needed him to be in it with me a little more, that I knew he was working through it but that not getting the room together was stressing me out (to an unhealthy level).

I'm hoping you can work through things and it doesn't take as long as it did with my husband. FYI- he's a great father now and has been better with this pregnancy. Just talk to him. Usually talking calming and using feeling words like "I feel that-" "this makes me feel like-" the other person is less likely to feel defensive and for things to escalate to a fight.

QueenCarlissa · June 2015

Sorry I feel this is selfish putti your baby stuff in a hot stuffy garage why can't he do those things. You shouldn't treat an innocent unborn child that way. I would have to tell him point blank period I'm not putting my baby's stuff in a garage when you can clearly do that because it's convenient for you when baby comes whose going to want to walk to the garage to get something. Sorry I think it's just childish and selfish be a grown up and make grown up decision even if they go against how you feel. It's stressful but that's what happens when having a baby. And no this isn't a typical guy thing my SO is down for making any sacrifices he has to for his LO as am I. We feel we need to give her the world and not some portion of it like the garage. She needs to have a place for her things have her name on the wall not some office that's not necessarily needed you can make a nice little book in the house for an office not a whole room. Suggest a bigger place lol since he doesn't want to give up his office in a bigger place baby girl would get her room and he can keep his office since he wants to be selfish.

tewinkle27 · June 2015

This is my SO first child. We're selling his house to get a 3 bedroom for the baby. So I feel like your SO is being greedy with his office. I would sit him down and have a serious talk as to why he has a problem with using the office as the baby room.

lynettieLoo · June 2015

I'm having a similar problem w/ my DH. The area that we are turning into the nursery was a kitchen, & last night my DH kept trying to sell me on turning that into an office w/ a wet bar since it already has a sink in it and turning the would be office space into the nursery. I know he doesn't want to deal with taking the sink out and cutting water lines, but the office space is just way too small & cramped for a nursery/baby room. We still have a long way to go in this remodel and I'm sure it'll come up again. I think once he starts seeing all the things we're getting, he might start to come around. Hopefully your SO will too

katiemeowt · June 2015

I wonder if your SO has friends who have recently becoming FT dad's that he could speak with. It sounds like he's having a hard time coming to terms with the major impact this baby will have on your family and household. My husband has been a little similar. I'm just trying to give him space and not rush him to have the same reactions to things that I have been having. It's helped that our dear friends recently had a baby (now 7 months), so he's seen a long time friend become a father.

lmgagliardi@hotmail.com · June 2015

Honestly, to me it sounds like a childish tantrum. He doesn't want things to change, but they are! He's gonna have to get over it and make the adult decisions. It is ridiculous to think of putting baby's things in a non climate controlled garage. If there's a place to put his desk somewhere else, that's what should be done. I would maybe talk to him about it again and give him a chance to come to his senses, and then I would put my foot down. He's an adult, he needs to make sacrifices!

momotheflyinglemur · June 2015

amm0512 said:

Can you split his office for now? Maybe just move in the crib first, let him get used to it. Then as clothes start piling up on his desk, he'll be more succeptible to the idea of a dresser.

I think this is a great idea. Get the crib up and ready, then ask him how he thinks he should reconfigure the desk. Let him come to the conclusions himself, with gentle egging along the way. Like everyone is saying. These things can be hard to process. I am actually the one having issues with spacing and placing of things. SO is adamant that anything can be moved and changed but I like the way things are set up now. hahaha

essacee · June 2015

maybe his tune will change a bit when the baby arrives? i can imagine it is a frustrating experience for you. i would feel the same way and i think that obviously you want a space for your daughter. Is he really going to want a screaming baby waking him up from less than 2 feet every couple of hours in the night. is he really going to want to run out to the garage to get you a diaper and a receiving blanket when you are trying to change a baby and a covered in puke? these are things he may not have considered. or he may just be having a hard time adjusting to the change and is putting his back up right now. my husband isn't particularly fond of me buying things for the baby yet because he knows i can go a bit overboard and we are currently in the middle of renovations (babies really have the best timing) and don't even have a room built yet for our little one so i can understand some of the stress you may be feeling. i would say that it is worth sitting down and having a productive conversation about it. no fights or arguments, if it starts to get heated just back off and bring it up at another time. this is a reality he has to face and may need to sacrifice by making a bit of room in his office... after all, you are making space for the baby to grow...

sorry if this doesn't really help at all.

essacee · June 2015

how did you get that cute little banner? momotheflyinglemur?

Ken122014 · June 2015

Idk. When my Dh and I were talking and ttc he felt pretty good about staying in a one bedroom apartment with the baby. As soon as i got pregnant, it was him who said we should buy a house so that our LO can have the room it needs. Maybe some guys just need more time than others...

SunnyD2015 · June 2015

Having your first child can be a great undertaking. Sometimes men don't have any idea of what to expect. For men, the reality hits once the baby is born. They can hold the baby, kiss it, see it, and then understand what all that stuff is for. You have more of a connection because your body is changing and then you start to feel movements. My husband had a small breakdown while I was pregnant with our first. He was freaked out about finances and how to take care of a little one. Sometimes men have this overwelming fear of failure too.

Give him some time but I would suggest taking slow steps in the process of converting the room. You have some time before baby comes, so ease him into it. Good luck and I hope things turn out for the better soon.

CanDGrrl · June 2015

In general, I think we are more nurturing. It usually takes men a little longer to figure out what’s needed for a new baby. You and SO will not usually agree on much. We're just different!

I remember looking for our first apartment; we walked into someone’s converted garage. I looked over at DH and he was grinning ear to ear. J It’s funny now, but at the time I was a bit concerned.

I’d give him some grace; when he starts seeing all of baby’s stuff it’ll start becoming “real.” Most men will do just about anything for their baby girls! J Hang in there and congrats!

~Candie~ with an -IE

ellebaby4 · June 2015

I would recommend to just be patient with him for now. Since you are a December mom, he still has time to warm up. See if he comes around in the next few weeks. I would t think it's worth fighting over just yet.

good luck!

lainey419 · June 2015

Men are generally pretty clueless when it comes to their first children. From my experience, they really don't "get it" until the baby is born. They don't have the same relationship and understanding that pregnant women have with their babies, and don't get that nesting urge to prepare in the months before the baby arrives. They know that baby will sleep, eat, and poop...but wonder why a baby needs it's own room when it won't matter to the baby. Sure they can be excited about the baby, but the reality of the whole thing seems hard for them to grasp. Not for all men, but for a lot of them. It's frustrating, but gets better (most of the time)!

beccabeeee · June 2015

Are you sure we don't have the same husband? Lmao! On a serious note though, that's been an issue between my husband and I as well. We have a 2 bedroom apartment. One is our master bedroom and the second is used for his office. Once we found out we were having a baby, I immediately told him we would be using the office for a nursery instead and he had an issue with it. I wanted to have the baby stuff in our room with us and keep the office at first, but we have 2 cats and their litter boxes are in our room and bathroom, and I didn't feel comfortable with the baby being in there so close to the cat litter.

Whovian84 · July 2015

I have some questions, does he work from home? How much time does he spend working in the office?

I am absolutely sympathetic to wanting a nursery and feeling like he doesn't "get it" yet (I'm definitely dealing with that myself), but I live in a small 1 bedroom apartment in New York City and on the whole, city people are used to not having nurseries and having to be really creative with space and what they buy. A nursery is nice, but not essential. Families all over the world make it work with a lot less. I don't mean to rock the boat here, but if he spends a major amount of his time working in his office, I would understand needing that space. I would too. However, if he just uses it to hold paperwork and doesn't actually spend a chunk of his week using it to work, then I would explore moving his office to an alternate space in your home, like a corner of your living room if you have space. If he's suggesting keeping baby stuff in the garage, that makes me think something else is going on though and, like other posters have said, he just is having a difficult time mentally adjusting to this huge change. Good luck!

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