You cannot "spoil" your newborn

Re: You cannot "spoil" your newborn

• HayesRN13 member

  June 2015

  (Sorry about the double post)

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• teather5 member

  June 2015

  Is it a generation thing? My mom says the same thing! She also doesn't get the whole "feed on demand" notion.

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• HayesRN13 member

  June 2015 edited June 2015

  I think maybe a bit... We know a lot more now, so being generational=uneducated ... definitely
  
  ETA- Didnt want this to come off as previous gens aren't educated .. just that there is a lot more literature on everything now...that they didn't use to have

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• dancegurl1118 member

  June 2015

  It's definitely generational. My mom has said this exact thing and she is a very educated woman (AND in child development so it's mind boggling). She had a problem with baby wearing for this reason too. Just yesterday she texted me very matter-of-factly that now that LO is approaching 1 month I need to get her on a schedule.
  
  Let me go out and buy her a baby watch first so she'll know it's time to eat...
  
  She has a schedule; it's eat whenever she's hungry which is every 2-3 hours during the day and 4 hours at night.
  
  Ugh!!

  TTC: 1/2014 BFP: 9/24 EDD: 6/8/2015 Sorry for the poor man's siggy...ticker won't load regardless of how many tips I read.

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• klkonwi member

  June 2015

  I'm really glad you said this. I'm feeling a lot of pressure even from DH about this.....
  
  

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• KaLikeAWind member

  June 2015

  klkonwi said:

  I'm really glad you said this. I'm feeling a lot of pressure even from DH about this.....
  
  

  Me too. Not so much with feeding, but with holding. 'Well, he should be / needs to be put in there' (hospital cart / bassinet thing). Well, the kid doesn't like it in there. Hopefully he'll like what we have at home and putting him down to sleep for longer periods after a feeding will work. But for now its more peaceful for both him and us to just hold him, like he prefers. Chill, babe. It's NBD.

  

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• klkonwi member

  June 2015

  @mellymar I think we possibly live a parallel life. Exactly everything you just said is what DH says. But ironically when DH wants to cuddle and hold him while he sleeps lol I don't tell him to put him down!!!

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• KaLikeAWind member

  June 2015

  @klkonwi I would love it if DH would continue to hold him after DS settles down, but he always settles him and then goes to put him down. Dude. Just hold him. He's obviously happy right now. Keep him happy

  

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• virginiaunicorn11 member

  June 2015

  DH witnessed this lecture from the midwife/lactation consultant in the hospital. She talked about how important it is to meet LO's needs/demands and gave a very memorable speech, which included:
  
  "Breastfeeding is not just about eating. Breastfeeding is about bonding. Breastfeeding is about touch. Breastfeeding is about smell. Breastfeeding is about comfort. Breastfeeding is about security. Breastfeeding is about getting to know each other..."
  
  She went on for like a full minute or two. It was kind of funny and DH and I still mimic it... but it really got the point across, and made us both feel better about "spoiling" the baby.
  
  My recommendation would be to ask a nurse about "spoiling" the baby, in front of your husband while still in the hospital, as that may get him on board with you.

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• KaLikeAWind member

  June 2015

  Good call @virginiaunicorn11. It's discharge day so we'll be going over a lot of home care stuff anyway. Perfect time to ask this question

  

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• Sammy K member

  June 2015

  I'm glad you brought this up. I was told I coddled my 2 mo old with DS. So dumb. At the hospital, LOL barely spent any time in the bassinet, she was with me the whole time.

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• lwyz member

  June 2015

  I feel like I'm lucky in that even though i haven't even given birth yet, every nurse and doctor I've encountered in this pregnancy has drilled this into me, so I'm confident enough in it to tell anyone that gives me hell to shut up. I doubt anyone in my family will, as they're a bunch of hippies, but my MIL might...My cousin who has a toddler who is huge on attachment parenting has provided me a ton of research on the subject, too. So, definitely lucky to feel so confident in this one before baby is even born.

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• HoosOnFirst member

  June 2015

  God my DH is the same! LO is 3 weeks old and he tells me I need to stop holding her all the time or she will only sleep on one of us. And that we should try to get her into a routine. He thinks I'm nuts when I say sometimes we just need to accommodate her whims for the day. She's not even consistent in her behavior and needs yet, how can we be? Also, at 3 in the morning, "routine" goes out the window.
  

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• queequeg09256 member

  June 2015

  Im glad other people are annoyed at their dhs my drives me a little nuts sometimes even though he means well. Im also super easily defensive so that does not help anything.

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• amabarne member

  June 2015

  Someone posted a great article about breastfeeding recently. I can't find it anymore. Help.

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• KarasTwin member

  June 2015

  So needed this today!  DS is 4 days old now and last night was our 2nd night home.  DH was at the hospital the first night and then had to leave to go to work class and didn't get back till yesterday afternoon.  My mom has been with us and still is.  Last night I was feeling pretty lousy (sore on my incision and just stiff from not being able to move around much).  At the pediatrician appointment yesterday they told me they want me to supplement through next week and start pumping to stimulate my milk coming in.  So, I decided I would nurse, hand LO to DH so he can feed him the supplement, and I would pump while he did that.  The 1st 3 times (before bed) went great, but then I guess I was sleeping pretty hard last night and DH had the pack n play on his side of the bed.  DS was fussy and he sat up holding him because he can't quite grasp that sometimes babies just cry and that he's adjusting.  I had an alarm set for 1:45 to feed and at 1:05 he wakes me up and asks how much longer because if he's crying, it must mean he's hungry.  When I got up to feed him at 1:45 DH looks at me and says, he's going to have to learn to sleep in his pack n play.  Dude, he's been home 2 nights in the 4 since he's been born.  He's adjusting, we all are.  I have decided today while he sleeps to put him in his pack n play or swing so he can adjust to sleeping without being held, but seriously?  It's tough, too, when you have lots of company, because people want to hold him and he gets comfy.  We'll get there, but you can't just expect him to want to be in a big open area when he's been nice and snug in Mama's tummy and then in someone's arms.  It just doesn't compare.  

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• Sammy K member

  June 2015

  @amabarne Was it this one?
  https://www.emmapickettbreastfeedingsupport.com/twitter-and-blog/the-dangerous-game-of-the-feeding-interval-obsession

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• MaliKaela member

  June 2015

  I'm in Social Work and one of the major things about infant development we cover is that you "can't spoil a newborn." I totally know this to be true, but I'm having a little guilt about it. DS is 4 weeks now and sometimes even after we've done EVERYTHING he is still crying even when being held. I try to hold him as much as possible but sometimes I set him down and let him cry for 5 minutes or so. Then I pick him back up and he quiets right down and usually falls asleep in my arms. Honestly, does this sound like a horrible thing to do? 

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• amabarne member

  June 2015

  @Sammy K
  Yes!!! Thank you!!

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• rolson8947 member

  June 2015

  I'm glad you posted this. My LO is now 10 days old and the last few nights I have just been letting her fall asleep on my chest and I don't move her, I just let her sleep on me because right now that is what works. I find myself worrying that I may be making her clingy, but she just seems to rest so much better when I'm holding her and Lord knows I need the sleep too so if we can both sleep then I'll take it. As exhausting as it is, I know I'll miss these moments and I know one day I will wish she was still little enough to hold and kiss all over so I'm going to enjoy it while I can

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• virginiaunicorn11 member

  June 2015

  mcknzzee said:

  I'm in Social Work and one of the major things about infant development we cover is that you "can't spoil a newborn." I totally know this to be true, but I'm having a little guilt about it. DS is 4 weeks now and sometimes even after we've done EVERYTHING he is still crying even when being held. I try to hold him as much as possible but sometimes I set him down and let him cry for 5 minutes or so. Then I pick him back up and he quiets right down and usually falls asleep in my arms. Honestly, does this sound like a horrible thing to do? 

  Not horrible at all!!! Sounds like it's effective and baby gets comfort. You're doing such a good job to have found a good way to fix the situation! No worries, mama

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• MaliKaela member

  June 2015

  @virginiaunicorn11 thank you! That actually makes me feel so much better. : )

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• henrytviii member

  June 2015

  So glad someone posted this. I feel like many of us are constantly defending ourselves (or second guessing ourselves) for nursing our LO's on demand and holding them too much in the eyes or our parents/in-laws/friends/spouses. Hold those babies, tell them a million times a day how much you them, spoil them rotten with kisses and love. We know all too well on this board that not all mothers and fathers get to hold and cherish their babies. Every moment is precious.
  
  And if you don't feel this love yet that is okay, just go through the motions and do it anyway. One day you will wake up from the postpartum fog and realize you have fallen in love. LO turned 1 month today and something just awoke in me and brought me to tears when I read @westypet 's post over in T&P's. I finally feel deeply connected and worthy of being his mama.

  

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• katyertl member

  June 2015

  henrytviii said:

  So glad someone posted this. I feel like many of us are constantly defending ourselves (or second guessing ourselves) for nursing our LO's on demand and holding them too much in the eyes or our parents/in-laws/friends/spouses. Hold those babies, tell them a million times a day how much you them, spoil them rotten with kisses and love. We know all too well on this board that not all mothers and fathers get to hold and cherish their babies. Every moment is precious.
  
  And if you don't feel this love yet that is okay, just go through the motions and do it anyway. One day you will wake up from the postpartum fog and realize you have fallen in love. LO turned 1 month today and something just awoke in me and brought me to tears when I read @westypet 's post over in T&P's. I finally feel deeply connected and worthy of being his mama.

  I love love love this! Thank you so much for writing this. Especially the 2nd paragraph. There were times late and early morning with little sleep that I would actually miss my old life without LO because of the frustration and lack of sleep. I would then feel so horrible and guilty about my feelings. It's getting easier as the days pass and I'm finally feeling better
  

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• Kresla member

  June 2015

  I want my baby to be held and loved on as much as possible. LO will sleep in a bassinet at night and will nap in the crib until he/she can sleep in the crib at night. However, that baby will be cuddled and loved on as much as possible. I even want to do as much skin to skin as possible with both myself and baby and my DH and baby. I was in a breastfeeding class last night and the teacher said all of her kids were held as much as possible and fed when they were hungry. She followed their schedules. And all of her kids are happy and very well behaved. Maybe giving in to your newborn and letting he/she run the show will allow he/she to have much better behavior in the future?

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• katyertl member

  June 2015

  It does make me nervous though because we let our LO sleep in her swing because the one and only time we tried the bassinet she didn't like it. So now I am worried that she will never make the transition to the bassinet or crib one day. Anyone have an issue with this ever with other children? As of right now I just do whatever makes her happy I'm just nervous

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• MJMum524 member

  June 2015

  Wouldn't it be nice if we all had a printed piece of paper we could just hand to someone who was giving us unsolicited advice. It could be like our policies and procedures for our newborn or something like that. I can see it now...
  MIL: darling you should be doing x,y,z with lo.
  You: sorry MIL you'll have to refer to this policy on diaper cream application before you open your mouth again about what you think I should be doing.
  Hahaha!
  I'm sleep deprived so think this is funny but I also think it is important to stick to our beliefs as much as we can. So agree! We can't spoil our newborns! Two year old toddlers is maybe a different story...

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• frankengibbs member

  June 2015

  Thank you so much for posting this! I keep getting told by my ILs that I'm spoiling LO and that I'm going to regret holding her when she's 6 months old, heavy, and I can't go to the bathroom without her because of her constant need for my attention. But it's impossible not to "spoil" her. I like holding her, I like cuddling her and if it means she doesn't cry then how bad can it be? It's like PPs said, someday I will miss her being so little.

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• aj1327 member

  June 2015

  The LC at the hospital actually told me I couldn't spoil him in front of my MIL and SIL. I was so glad they both heard it. I do feel bad because sometimes he's wide awake at night, but as happy as can be. I'll try for 30 minutes or so to put him to sleep, but then I'll just put him in is pack and play. He just looks around and usually I'll fall asleep, and when I wake back up to check on him, he's out. I feel guilt for putting him down but he's happy and I'm tired!

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• HayesRN13 member

  June 2015

  They are only this little for a very short time :x

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• Sammy K member

  June 2015

  katyertl said:

  It does make me nervous though because we let our LO sleep in her swing because the one and only time we tried the bassinet she didn't like it. So now I am worried that she will never make the transition to the bassinet or crib one day. Anyone have an issue with this ever with other children? As of right now I just do whatever makes her happy I'm just nervous

  We went through the same thing with DS. He wouldn't sleep in his crib until 2 mo and he didn't sleep well until he could roll over and sleep on his stomach. I wouldn't worry about bad habits until LO is closer to 6 months old.

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• jesscmv member

  June 2015

  I'm with all of you. I hate to hear the LOs cry. Having twins it happens because well I only have 2 hands and one has to cry while I feed the other when DH isn't home. I hate their little cries and little tears!

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• itsshayday member

  June 2015

  I went through a lot of this with older relatives when DS was born years ago and I began my attachment parenting journey... By the time he was two, he was a willful, fiercely independent, and confident child, and now, at 4, he's a pretty great example of attachment parenting working, and I've caught my mother lecturing my sister that she should respond to her baby more quickly so he'll be more confident like my DS.
  
  I try not to argue when people bring up crying it out, etc, unless their misinformation is harmful/dangerous, but for the most part, I try to respond with something ambiguous like, 'I'll take that into consideration' or, 'I'll have to look that up' and just continue doing what's best for us. In the end, their opinions don't really affect how I'm raising my child, and I think that all mother's, of any age, feel a compulsive need to share their personal experiences and 'wisdom' as a means of helping, rather than coercion or criticism, but sometimes as emotionally raw new mothers trying our hardest to do everything just right, it's like sandpaper on our already frazzled nerves.

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• katyertl member

  June 2015

  Sammy K said:

  katyertl said:

  It does make me nervous though because we let our LO sleep in her swing because the one and only time we tried the bassinet she didn't like it. So now I am worried that she will never make the transition to the bassinet or crib one day. Anyone have an issue with this ever with other children? As of right now I just do whatever makes her happy I'm just nervous

  We went through the same thing with DS. He wouldn't sleep in his crib until 2 mo and he didn't sleep well until he could roll over and sleep on his stomach. I wouldn't worry about bad habits until LO is closer to 6 months old.

  That makes sense!!! I have a few friends that told me not to worry and she would grow out of it. Makes me a little more relieved

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• Westypet member

  June 2015

  henrytviii said:

  So glad someone posted this. I feel like many of us are constantly defending ourselves (or second guessing ourselves) for nursing our LO's on demand and holding them too much in the eyes or our parents/in-laws/friends/spouses. Hold those babies, tell them a million times a day how much you them, spoil them rotten with kisses and love. We know all too well on this board that not all mothers and fathers get to hold and cherish their babies. Every moment is precious.
  
  And if you don't feel this love yet that is okay, just go through the motions and do it anyway. One day you will wake up from the postpartum fog and realize you have fallen in love. LO turned 1 month today and something just awoke in me and brought me to tears when I read @westypet 's post over in T&P's. I finally feel deeply connected and worthy of being his mama.

  Something about having this baby has gutted my soul. Never have felt anything like this before.
  
  We were in a perfect (exhausted) bubble, and then the threat of something being wrong just brought out this fiercely protective and consumed mother in me.
  
  I became truly enamored with him the moment I saw him brought back from the nursery after the stress of delivery and parents meeting him calmed down. It was a shock having a baby!
  
  But the heart-wrenching love suddenly overtook me today when we were so worried about his heart.
  

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• CanadaMom17 member

  June 2015

  rolson8947 said:

  I'm glad you posted this. My LO is now 10 days old and the last few nights I have just been letting her fall asleep on my chest and I don't move her, I just let her sleep on me because right now that is what works. I find myself worrying that I may be making her clingy, but she just seems to rest so much better when I'm holding her and Lord knows I need the sleep too so if we can both sleep then I'll take it. As exhausting as it is, I know I'll miss these moments and I know one day I will wish she was still little enough to hold and kiss all over so I'm going to enjoy it while I can

  After a few weeks, I'm co-sleeping now, because frankly, we both sleep far better.  As I read on Dr. Sears' site - we're the only mammals that don't sleep with our offspring, and the little gaffers just like it better.  If she needs it, she needs it.  

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