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October 2015 Moms
MirandaC1984
member
Advice Needed: In-laws & belly touching
MirandaC1984
member
We will be going to visit my in-laws next week for the first time since they've known I am pregnant. They live about 12 hours away so we only see them a few times a year. I tend to be a more hands-off type of person in general. It makes me really uncomfortable that when we say goodbye, my MIL kisses me on the cheek. I don't mind a hug but the kiss freaks me out. I know, I'm weird. My FIL will sometimes make comments that make me uncomfortable or her will linger longer than appropriate when hugging me. I've never said anything to them for fear of hurting feelings. That being said, I know they will want to touch my belly and I was wondering how should I approach asking them not to? This is the first grandbaby and I know they are over the moon excited but it really makes me uncomfortable. Also, is it unreasonable to deny them feeling him kick ect.? I don't' want to hurt feelings but I also want to feel comfortable.
Re: Advice Needed: In-laws & belly touching
I wouldn't want my in-laws to just grab my belly, though. It is rude. I feel like it's something you have to be invited to do. If I was in your shoes, I'd have my husband talk to his parents. That's how most things get handled if I'm feeling uncomfortable or something. Good luck!! I hope your visit goes well.
I will make sure my children have manners, but they will not have to hug or kiss people they don't want to.
I haven't had any weird experiences with people trying to touch my belly. I expect family to want to, and that doesn't bother me at all. I love being able to share my experience with them.
I think you could come up with a few excuses.
1. My belly is stretching and really sore. It actually hurts when people touch it. (Ok, maybe it's a lie. They don't have to know.)
2. Use your touches wisely, you only get 3!
3. Baby isn't moving right now, but I'll try to get you when he/she is.
4. Baby is still small and there's not much to feel on the outside yet.
5. Just say, "I'm uncomfortable with having my belly rubbed!"
You can lie all you want, nobody would know and I'd hope they'd respect your wishes. Good luck!
I think it is natural that in laws may be so used to how they do things that it doesn't even occur to them that the person who married their child could be used to something much different. So in your case, the hugs/kisses may be something they do to show love and acceptance; they may think this is the natural a way to include you! So I say talk with them and just be honest. Acknowledge that that is their custom and you can appreciate that it is, but it wasn't your family's, and it makes you feel uncomfortable because it's new to you or whatever. Articulate what you're ok with, for example short hugs but not kisses from MIL, and not long hugs from FIL, and not touching your stomach.
When I was little I think I was asked by my mom or other family to hug and kiss. Sometimes it felt ok, sometimes it felt uncomfortable. I remember one instance when my uncle wanted me to hug him or something. I believe I did so but felt a little uncomfortable because his shirt was partially unbuttoned or something. I was around 6. Now I was ultimately safe and it was an innocent hug. But it makes me kind of agree with @BrooklynBroussard's position regarding expectation for children to hug and kiss relatives. I think it can interfere with the child learning their own process of how to evaluate who safe people are. They will rely on their parents alot for that, but in this age of sexual abuse being so prevalent, please let the child decide. Teach them manners but don't force them to show or communicate affection they are uncomrtable with! My nuclear family was not physically expressive, and my mom often said little things here and there that suggested hugging my dad was not ok. I got an undertone from her that hugs were not appropriate; they could be great big doorways to inappropriate things. That just caused me to think she was saying hugs were unsafe. It has taken me years to realize that overall, hugs are safe and I do like them, but I had to relearn that they are usually safe!
I am not touchy feely either but I told my in laws that if they ask first they will mostly be given the ok to touch the belly. I did jokingly (but not entirely) say that anyone who does not ask permission would be swatted away fiercely. That got back to DH's grandma and her unsolicited belly rubs stopped (at least for now).
The best thing I can tell you is that I told DH that he is the only person who does not need to ask before touching the belly (bc he did half the work to put the baby there). On his own he broadcast that proudly to his family and told them that they all had to ask first. That helped a ton! Bottom line is that the in laws will probably always listen to your DH more than you so if you can get him to be the bearer of the "no touch" or "ask first" policy, you are more likely to get what you want and less likely to upset anyone.
I hope that helps.