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January 2016 Moms
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Therapy or move?

LoveShrimpyLoveShrimpy member
in January 2016 Moms
So long story short... two weeks ago I had a falling out with my family over something my husband was accused of doing. I instantly said Divorce! His family was visiting from out of town and had two days until they went home. I didn't want to ruine their trip so I slept on the sofa in our room and told them nothing. The next day I woke up with the worst pain in my breasts... instantly thought I was pregnant. Now I am 9wks 3days... I stayed with him because my baby needs a dad and I figured I could patch things up with my family. Things went fine until I went to my sisters for Fathers Day. My niece cried as I left because instead of seeing her everyday like normal my sister only lets me see her during soccer games and family functions. Now I can't stand my husband. The thought of him makes me angry. I don't know if I should try therapy as I have been depressed since the accusation or just move out. I am to the point where I am so preoccupied with this that I almost ran a red light yesterday. I am trying to stay strong for the baby by forcing myself to eat and exercise but I feel crazy and sad all of the time. Any suggestions?
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Re: Therapy or move?

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  • daninikicolidaninikicoli member
    It's hard to say, especially not knowing the whole story (maybe talk to a close friend). Don't stay and be miserable. If you were leaving him before the baby, then continue with your plans. Was he moving out or you? Maybe a trial separation? He can work on his issues and maybe one day you'll want to go to therapy with him. If not, you'll know the split is what you want. Good luck!
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  • narissa2013narissa2013 member
    Sorry you are going through this. It seems to me like therapy could be good choice regardless of whether you stay with him. Sounds like there are some emotional things that would be nice to sort out. Good luck
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  • abbi1995abbi1995 member
    I'm so sorry and wish you the best of luck. You will be an amazing mother with your husband or not. It might be a little harder but everything will work out whatever your decision may be
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  • SummerOHSummerOH member
    Your post is a little confusing. Your husband was accused of something and you said divorce. So why did your family turn on you? Isn't that what they want?

    DD 12/20/99, DS 12/14/12, M/C 9/2014, M/C 1/2015


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  • l4rkl4rk member
    SummerOH said:

    Your post is a little confusing. Your husband was accused of something and you said divorce. So why did your family turn on you? Isn't that what they want?

    Unless the family wanted them to stay together, and she was the accusor who wanted to split?

    OP, I agree that a little more context and backstory is needed for us to really help you with this. :-)

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  • LoveShrimpyLoveShrimpy member

    Thank you everyone for the support.


    The accusation was one that instantly put me on the fence of husband or family. We have only been married 6 months so of course my family was my first instinct. I love my husband but I was raised that you don't question family. When I found out I was pregnant I thought Baby first. Baby needs a dad and we talked things out. I felt better. I eventually talked to my family and they said they would support me no matter what. Then a few days later they pulled the carpet from under me and said they do not support my decision of staying with him because it meant I turned my back against family.

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  • KC2891KC2891 member
    What did he do that was so terrible? Why did your family change their minds so suddenly?
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  • myliitlefairygardenmyliitlefairygarden member
    Why would your family do that to you? I have this theory about when people force you to take sides I always choose the person that didn't force me to make that decision. It seems to me that your sister is being quite selfish, unless your husband was accused of hurting your niece what right does she have to say leave him or you won't see her? She doesn't own you nor does anyone else in ur family, you are grown and can makenypur own decisions. Since he doesn't seem to be the one saying pick me or I won't let you do x, y or z personally I would pick him just for that reason, unless that is truly not what you want.
    A lot of people will tell you if your not happy just leave but you are right your child deserves a chance at a family and sometimes happiness must be worked at. Life is not a fairy tale where happines is given and you get to just keep it forever. A relationship is hard work but if in the end it is worth it then you should work hard.
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  • SummerOHSummerOH member
    I totally disagree that you choose your family over everything else.  Choose what is RIGHT.  An accusation is just that - one person's word.  I'm not saying your husband is innocent, but there's no way I'd leave someone over an accusation.  I'd get to the bottom of it.  If he really is guilty of whatever he's accused of, then you can decide what to do. 

    DD 12/20/99, DS 12/14/12, M/C 9/2014, M/C 1/2015


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  • LauraFiLauraFi member
    I agree with previous posters on many points. It is definitely hard to give you advice without knowing the details, and it sounds like you maybe don't know either because an accusation isn't necessarily the truth but is definitely something you need to get to the bottom of. Then you can ask yourself if it is something you can accept/forgive if it is true, and how it may impact you and your child. My main advice though is to go see a therapist, but just for you so that you can have somebody unbiased to talk to in detail and help you work this out for yourself. Then if you want to work through whatever it is with your husband and family you could do some couples or group therapy. Best of luck, and remember that you are a strong, independent woman. Do what is best for you and your baby.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • lyannastlyannast member
    Is your husband being supportive and kind to you? Does he treat you well?

    I personally am too close with my family to ever let someone come between us... That being said, I don't think my partner would ever do anything too bad for them to loathe him. And my family is supportive of whatever I choose... I think it's really wrong that they'd abandon you in such a pivotal time and in your life. That being said, it depends on what he's supposedly done, I guess.
    Without knowing that, none of us can really offer any informed opinions or support. I respect your need for privacy, but remember this is an anonymous site... It's not like any of us can react in any way that's going to affect your personal life.

    Definitely for now I'd say just find out if the accusation is true.

    If it's something serious (sexual or physical abuse) report it to the police.
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  • mrussellomrussello member
    Even if you don't stay with your husband, therapy would only help you. Working things out is only a decision that you can make but therapy does offer guidance and support.
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  • emzie54emzie54 member
    It sounds like the grief and turmoil you are experiencing is getting in the way of your functioning. Go see a therapist so that you can talk through this and try to figure out what you want to do. While you are so ambivalent about what you want to do, the couples therapy will not be beneficial. Spend some time working on this in individual therapy and then decide if you want to break-up or meet with a therapist together to work on the relationship. Even if you break-up you might want to speak to a therapist together in order to work on co-parenting this child. I'm sorry you are suffering!
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  • daninikicolidaninikicoli member
    I should say, my "advice" is based on your husband doing something very bad. Only because it would take some pretty horrible stuff for my family to try and separate me and my husband. Even if my husband cheated on me, my family would support us trying to work through it. I do believe in working hard at a marriage. I also need my family. If you were ready to divorce him over this and your sister is keeping her kids from you guys... It's seems very serious. Unless your family is just too involved and trying to control you. I probably shouldn't have said because I don't know the whole situation. I hope you do what is right for you.
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  • ChrissyD1203ChrissyD1203 member
    Agree wholeheartedly with @daninikicoli Sorry you are going through this.
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  • l4rkl4rk member
    Your safety and the baby's safety are paramount, so if your husband is doing anything that jeopardizes that--drinking, drugs, violence, criminal activity, etc.--then I think you definitely need to trust your initial "DIVORCE!" instinct. If he's done something ethically or morally compromising, your instincts are probably right too. Honestly, I'm just a big believer of trusting your own instincts and since yours is to divorce, then I can't help but feel that was the right call.

    I think you need to do what makes sense for you first and foremost, and then look at repairing the rest of your relationships (husband, family) as a secondary priority. And by the way, taking care of your baby means taking care of yourself--physically, mentally and emotionally. You can't love and nurture a little human being to your full potential if you aren't loving and nurturing yourself. If your husband is a real man, then your kiddo will have a dad regardless of how things play out for you two. And if he isn't a real man, then your kid is better off without him. So do you and take care of your needs, and then work on the rest only when it doesn't interfere with looking out for yourself. 
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  • lyannastlyannast member
    That's great news :)
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  • MamaHollandMamaHolland member
    Obviously you didn't share what the accusation is however in your first post you indicated that your sister had changed the frequency that you can visit your niece and in your last post you say that the ball is in your sisters court. It seems that either your husband is accused of something in relation to your sister or your niece and in that case, you need to seriously investigate the situation putting aside all loyalties because an accusation can be false but it can also be true. You've known your family your whole life and even though he's your husband he still has less time in your life. Families keep a lot of secrets and he may have been accused of something similar in the past & his family may know that. I'm just saying don't be too quick to sweep even an accusation under the rug unless you know for certain that the accuser is a deranged person or a habitual liar or someone who's out to ruin your life & marriage, then why would they lie? That's a question to ask yourself. Your husband will have every reason possible to deny/lie an accusation: losing his wife/marriage, embarrassment, legal ramifications, etc. I'm not saying he did it but I'm saying if the accusation proved true or if the accused incident happened again one year or five years from now, did you do enough diligence investigating the current accusation? (That's all stuff to just think about),

    Good luck.
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  • ak215ak215 member
    I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially now. I think a therapist could really help you figure out what you want at this point. It's a safe place to talk and brain storm ideas. You could even discuss if couples work is worth it. There are a lot of good therapists it there but there are some that are not so good (like every profession) if you go this route I recommend calling around and interviewing a few until you find someone you really click with. It will make a huge difference in your recovery.

    For what it may be worth, my parents split before I was born. As long as the child knows it is loved and wanted it will be ok!

    Life always has a way of working itself out. Wishing you the best! ♡
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