Grandmother/MIL overstepping - am I unreasonable?

babyblues123j · June 2015

Since we've had our son (now 14 mos old) my relationship with my MIL has been strained. I felt she upstaged me (in dress) at my own wedding and now is competing with me re: my son. Both my parents and in laws live the same city and thus want to see their grandchild frequently. For a while my MIL pushed to have once a week babysitting so I eventually worked out once every other week alternating grandmothers (this is my first baby and I want to spend a lot of time with him). Since we've begun doing this, I feel my MIL is trying to be the mother. She's even said once when I'm not there it's kind of like she's the mom! Little things like giving him a sippy cup before I'd introduced it, always jumping to get him when I've already said he's alright, and most recently texting me after I said he'd taken a couple of steps to tell me she'd gotten him to take 12. I have a hard time expressing my feelings so it took a lot but I asked her if she wouldn't tell me things like that and let me find them out as a surprise. The next day my FIL made a somewhat snide comment about my asking that. I feel I only get to have my first baby once (she's already raised 2 kids) so I want to work with him as a parent on certain firsts (like walking). I realize this is all very subtle but each individual item does add up! Am I overreacting here?

babyblues123j · June 2015

One other note I left out - she made him a full on decorated nursery at her house which is probably nicer than mine!

SharonB222 · June 2015

That's kind of weird. I think we can ask for surprises. In fact I think you making that request is very thoughtful, as opposed to outright telling her she's awful - which in part she is. My DCP has the sensitivity to get embarrassed when my LOs call her "mom" or she tells me something a child is doing and I say "oh, that was a first". Because my DCP clearly is considerate it's easier for me to say "that's ok!" - and it is - (easier for me b/c I care for my kids two afternoons a week and have some confidence around that). Have confidence in yourself and -if you can- tease your FIL about it. Wouldn't it be fun to say, "that nursery is so fine, perhaps you two should have another" --- heck, in all seriousness, my 60-some year old friend fosters drug-addicted newborns (and recently adopted one).

Malibu45 · June 2015

You sound exactly like me! You are not overreacting at all..my MIL is exactly the same. I'm very thankful for all of her help but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Sometimes I think with my MIL, and I bet this is the case for yours as well, they miss being a mom to a little one so they like to pretend they have a little baby again. Problem is they can sometimes take away from us as new moms. DD was saying mama mama one day so I said yes? And my MIL actually said oh I think she means me...She proceeded to tell me that my daughter says mama in a lower voice when she wants me and mama in a higher voice when she wants her. Maybe I am overreacting but that pissed me off so much. I think there forever will be a push and pull battle between daughter in laws and mother in laws..no matter how close your relationship is haha.

mhwood · June 2015

Maybe I'm crazy, but I think you are overreacting.

If your mother was doing this, would you feel the same way? Or, would you feel excited that you get to share this experience with her?

babyblues123j · June 2015

Thanks for all the feedback! I have a similar issue with her (to Malibu) saying whenever LO fusses "oh he wants his nana" when I'm right there trying to soothe him! And Sharon I like the idea of kidding around about them having another - definitely is somewhat of an issue of missing being a mom and trying to relive those days. But that shouldn't mean taking over the joy for someone else when you've already had the chance to experience it, IMO. MHWood, as far as my own mom, she's very careful about asking me permission before introducing new things to him (Sippy cups, solid foods) and considering her role as grandma, not mom - I think it's also different because if she was overstepping/did overstep I'd have an easier time telling her she was than I would my MIL (obviously from this posting ha).

Bigboobsmcgee · June 2015

You are overreacting. Your child is very lucky to have family that love him so much. It sounds like you are very insecure (thinking your MIL upstaged you at your own wedding, etc) and I also think it's sad that your MIL wanted your LO once a week and you wouldn't even allow it. Perhaps when you get over whatever jealousy issues you have with your MIL, you'll realize that it takes a village to raise a child and your child will always love you the most so you don't have to worry about that. Allow them to be a part of his life without thinking everyone is out to get you.

I will never get why people can't understand how excited grandparents are to be with their grandchildren. Think about when your son is grown, what if he married a woman that wouldn't let you see your grandchild as often as you wanted? Wouldn't you be hurt? You know you would.

I'm sure you'll get all butthurt and think I'm being mean but I'm probably the only one that's going to be honest.

babyblues123j · June 2015

Well thank you for your candidness, though I'm not sure it was necessary/appropriate to use the word "butthurt" in this forum. I'll certainly keep your feedback in mind.

Maladroit · June 2015

So...here's my two cents on the matter: You and your husband are the parents. My kiddo is about the same age as yours and I get that you want to parent your baby, not leave it to anyone else (first or not). However, other than the miscommunication and boundaries that you aren't comfortable with, I don't really see much of an issue. I think you need to have a serious chat with your H and be more firm on things as they come up. I had to deal with my MIL making weird comments about her not being able to breastfeed my son, saying I abandoned him when I only went upstairs to change, and "forgetting" to answer her phone and "not hearing" the doorbell/banging on the door when I come to pick him up for two hours (when she knows what time I pick him up), and constant comments about how mean I am to my son. It got to the point where it was making even my H uncomfortable and we've had to distance her because talking to her did nothing. Best of luck.

babyblues123j · June 2015

Thank you Maladroit and I'm sorry you had to go through all that with your MIL! Straight out of that Monster In Law movie. I think at the end of the day we're all just doing the best we can, and there's a lot of insecurity as a new mom, so having someone there criticizing or acting like they can do it better is bound to hurt some feelings. Good luck to you as well!

Malibu45 · June 2015

I do not think you are overreacting. Nobody is in your shoes or knows how you feel. You are entitled to have emotions that you are feeling

Bigboobsmcgee · June 2015

babyblues123j said:

Well thank you for your candidness, though I'm not sure it was necessary/appropriate to use the word "butthurt" in this forum. I'll certainly keep your feedback in mind.

It's a shame when people get defensive over advice given because you might miss out on something valuable but hey, if you want to focus on the word butthurt rather than the advice you are getting I can't stop you.

Your response validates what I was already assuming about this situation. You are awfully sensitive.

babyblues123j · June 2015

Actually, I didn't get defensive. I said I'd keep your feedback in mind. Rather, I think for future reference if you want people to take you seriously on a forum it would be more appropriate to give an adult answer than use distasteful slang.

Bigboobsmcgee · June 2015

babyblues123j said:
Actually, I didn't get defensive. I said I'd keep your feedback in mind. Rather, I think for future reference if you want people to take you seriously on a forum it would be more appropriate to give an adult answer than use distasteful slang.

Ha! This is quite amusing!

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