How are you handling tricky family situations?

SoFlaMommie1128 · June 2015

Hi ladies, I'm reaching out for your advice. I'm going through tough times with my sister. We've been close our whole lives, but recently her drinking habits have changed her behavior and her attitude. When she's been drinking, she becomes argumentative and antagonistic, and I've seen several inappropriate things she's done now that are concerning. She acts as though she can do whatever she wants and treat people however she wants. I tried talking with her about it to bring this to her attention, and unfortunately, it resulted in a terrible argument. I'm heartbroken over it.

I am concerned for a number of reasons. 1) I do not want to fight with my sister ever, especially while pregnant (does arguing and stress like this cause harm to the baby?) 2) I want her in our child's life of course, but I am concerned alcohol could get in the way. 3) She misinterpreted everything I told her and became so offended and upset. How do I convey to her that I just want to help her because I care about her so much?

I've considered writing her a letter so all my thoughts are in one place and so she can read them when she's ready. I just am not sure how to move forward in this situation, but I know that more confrontation isn't the answer. It's unfair to my baby.

I truly appreciate your thoughts and your suggestions, especially if you've ever had to navigate a situation like this in your own life.

lakesideknitter · June 2015

My mom went through an inpatient alcohol treatment program earlier this year. Part of that process was having each family member and close friend write a 'letter of concern' talking about how the patient's drinking has impacted your life and your relationship with him or her. We were asked to give specific examples (no matter how embarrassing or emotional) and say everything we needed to get off our chest. While your sister may not be ready to read a letter like that, I can tell you from experience that the process of writing the letter is profoundly cathartic. I would suggest you write her a letter including everything you need to say to her concerning her drinking (mine took 5 or 6 drafts). Whether you give it to her yet or not is up to you. At the very least, it will allow you to organize your thoughts to facilitate a more productive conversation. Know that she may not be ready to hear what you're saying, but that doesn't mean it doesn't need to be said. Best of luck.

SoFlaMommie1128 · June 2015

Thank you so much, @anikajoy. I appreciate your advice. I am working on the first draft of the letter, but it's been difficult to start (and I am a writer by career.) I hope your mom's condition improved.

Escheffler34 · June 2015

Hey there. So sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately my dad is an alcoholic, and refuses to get help. He texts me rude things daily, and really just lives in his own delusional world. Yes I think that stress can affect the baby! And having a family member thats an alcoholic is certainly stressful. I think that writing her a letter is a great idea. Unfortunately I have had to tell my father that he either needs to get sober or he isn't going to be a part of the baby's life. I'm sure things will go much better with your sister and I hope that she realizes and understands the disease and you two can reconcile your relationship! Best of luck and try to find ways to destress!

lakesideknitter · June 2015

You're welcome! I think it took me at least 3 weeks to write - give yourself time. Offer your support and let her know that you still care about her and want to help her.
Also, I'm sure you aren't the only one who is concerned about her. Don't be afraid to have conversations with your family about it. It's common to think that you're the only one thinking this way; other family members are probably also wrestling with what they should do. A full-scale intervention isn't always the best answer, but your letter may have more of an impact if it's not the only one.
My mom is doing well, thank you for asking. She's been sober since the first day of treatment and is attending 2-3 AA meetings every week. Our family support structure has made her road much easier than what other people deal with.
Again, best of luck - I will be thinking of you and your family.

SoFlaMommie1128 · June 2015

Escheffler34 said:
Hey there. So sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately my dad is an alcoholic, and refuses to get help. He texts me rude things daily, and really just lives in his own delusional world. Yes I think that stress can affect the baby! And having a family member thats an alcoholic is certainly stressful. I think that writing her a letter is a great idea.
Unfortunately I have had to tell my father that he either needs to get sober or he isn't going to be a part of the baby's life. I'm sure things will go much better with your sister and I hope that she realizes and understands the disease and you two can reconcile your relationship! Best of luck and try to find ways to destress!

I'm so sorry to hear that about your dad, @Escheffler34. It sounds like you are establishing the right boundaries with your dad that are in the best interest of you and your baby. I would be so irate if my sister were texting me rude things every day, it sounds like you have more patience than me (I have a zero tolerance for BS these days. I hear that comes with the territory when you're pregnant.) Thank you for reaching out, I hope your dad comes around to what you've been telling him.

thefithuntress · June 2015

I definitely don't have advice nearly as amazing as the PP's, but just wanted to root you on. I know you feel torn but you are doing what's right for you, her, and your baby. You're right, stress is no bueno while pregnant so just make sure you are taking the time you need to take care of yourself. Best of luck!

SoFlaMommie1128 · June 2015

Thanks @anikajoy, I'm so glad to hear your mom is doing so well and has all of you to support her! I think my sister is on the cusp of this becoming a truly destructive problem in her life, so addressing it is tricky. My dad tried to talk to her, too, and she just dismissed what he said. My mom unfortunately doesn't want to see it/is afraid to make waves or upset her.

dogsombrero · June 2015

My bio dad is a recovering alcoholic and it took a long time to work through those issues. We have spent the past 5 years trying to cultivate a reasonable relationship after 20+ years of his addiction. To mend alcohol related tensions can be a lot of work but I believe you can do this.

As far as your question about stress affecting the baby no, first world issues do not affect the baby. Prolonged extreme stress like living in a war zone could but daily stress will not.

I agree with PP that writing a letter which you may or may not feel the need to send is a great idea. You can let her know how you feel but be aware that those with dependency issues aren't able to be helped until they are ready, forced sobriety/behavior doesn't stick. This is a hard thing to come to terms with and it might not be a bad idea to discuss it with a councilor to sort through your feelings.

I'm also curious when you discussed the issue with your sister was she sober? What types of behaviors is she exhibiting and is it a pattern or a new strange occurrence? Is she dealing with some life stress with poor coping mechanisms. Understanding why she is behaving this way can help you find the best way to navigate this situation.

SoFlaMommie1128 · June 2015

Thank you @thefithuntress, I truly appreciate your support! I really just want to move forward in a positive way.

SoFlaMommie1128 · June 2015

Thank you @dogsombrero I appreciate your advice and reassurance regarding the stress. I plan to mention this at my next dr appointment next week. I think I have a better idea of what I need to include in the letter, but will give it some more time to make sure it is well thought out.

Unfortunately, she had a glass of wine when I spoke to her about it, it's hard to find a time when she is completely sober. I really want to avoid any more unnecessary stress and further misunderstanding, which is why a letter is probably the best route (it's a lot harder to misconstrue words written on a page.)

Her behavior while she's had a lot to drink consists of her making rude/abrasive and hurtful remarks to people around her and essentially has a total lack of respect and a grandiose opinion of herself. It's totally uncharacteristic of her behavior when she isn't drinking.

dogsombrero · June 2015

SoFlaMommie1128 said:
Thank you @dogsombrero I appreciate your advice and reassurance regarding the stress. I plan to mention this at my next dr appointment next week. I think I have a better idea of what I need to include in the letter, but will give it some more time to make sure it is well thought out.

Unfortunately, she had a glass of wine when I spoke to her about it, it's hard to find a time when she is completely sober. I really want to avoid any more unnecessary stress and further misunderstanding, which is why a letter is probably the best route (it's a lot harder to misconstrue words written on a page.)

Her behavior while she's had a lot to drink consists of her making rude/abrasive and hurtful remarks to people around her and essentially has a total lack of respect and a grandiose opinion of herself. It's totally uncharacteristic of her behavior when she isn't drinking.

It sounds like she has something underlying like a self esteem issue. If that's the case her problem with alcohol likely remain until her internal problem is solved. That may also be part of the reason she is so defensive about what you are trying to tell her. It doesn't make it okay it's just another layer.

My father thought he was a funny guy but he was really just a crass and disgusting mess when he drank. Years later he acknowledges while he had a drinking problem his personality problem was worse. Inpatient help followed by outpatient therapy, AA and yoga are his magic cocktail for his sobriety. If you need to cease contact for a while that's okay, this can be a long hard journey for all involved.

oliarnmom1517 · June 2015

My real dad is still an alcoholic and does all types of drugs both prescription and regular street drugs.. He expressed to me that he would like to attend my baby shower... I told him if he can come and is sober for longer than 24 hours he can come.. His answer was "I'll let you know when that will happen".. It hurts knowing that I tried to extend my hand to help him and I tried to include him and he just smacked my hand away and basically told me that he won't be there.. I'm really not asking much.. There will be kids there and I don't want anybody i know and care about and especially not their kids to be exposed to people like my dad.. Especially when he will just cause a scene and be stupid.. He's stolen thousands of dollars from my grandparents and is the biggest liar I know.. My sister and I wrote him letters and I told him up front that I hated him.. He has tried to be in my life since but I know all it will bring is disappointment.. I don't even answer his texts or his calls from blocked numbers.. I know with the right guidance some people can be changed and I think that your sister is one of those people OP.. Don't give up on her.. I bet she will turn around soon and realize that she's messing up and I know with support from family and friends she will turn around.. Sometimes it just takes a kick in the pants..

SoFlaMommie1128 · June 2015

I'm sorry to hear that about your dad, @oorl11052015 and that you've tried reaching out to him, without any progress so far. I like to think these babies that are coming into our lives and our families lives could somehow influence them to see how real this all is and how life is about to change (especially when the baby will be the first grandchild in the family, ours is.) I realize this is likely just idealistic thinking, but I try to stay positive.

VexyMommy · June 2015

My father is an alcoholic, abuses prescription medication, and smokes. I've learned that I can not control his behavior and that it is more stress than it's worth to agonize over what he is doing to himself. We have a very limited relationship due to this and various issues that occurred in my childhood. I call him a few times a year and meet him at a restaurant for a meal around birthdays and Christmas. Sometimes it is easier to keep your distance than plunge into other people's issues no matter how much you love them.

SoFlaMommie1128 · June 2015

dogsombrero said:

SoFlaMommie1128 said:
Thank you @dogsombrero I appreciate your advice and reassurance regarding the stress. I plan to mention this at my next dr appointment next week. I think I have a better idea of what I need to include in the letter, but will give it some more time to make sure it is well thought out.

Unfortunately, she had a glass of wine when I spoke to her about it, it's hard to find a time when she is completely sober. I really want to avoid any more unnecessary stress and further misunderstanding, which is why a letter is probably the best route (it's a lot harder to misconstrue words written on a page.)

Her behavior while she's had a lot to drink consists of her making rude/abrasive and hurtful remarks to people around her and essentially has a total lack of respect and a grandiose opinion of herself. It's totally uncharacteristic of her behavior when she isn't drinking.
It sounds like she has something underlying like a self esteem issue. If that's the case her problem with alcohol likely remain until her internal problem is solved. That may also be part of the reason she is so defensive about what you are trying to tell her. It doesn't make it okay it's just another layer.

My father thought he was a funny guy but he was really just a crass and disgusting mess when he drank. Years later he acknowledges while he had a drinking problem his personality problem was worse. Inpatient help followed by outpatient therapy, AA and yoga are his magic cocktail for his sobriety. If you need to cease contact for a while that's okay, this can be a long hard journey for all involved.

You are right, @dogsombrero. The underlying issue is self esteem.

SoFlaMommie1128 · June 2015

VexyMommy said:
My father is an alcoholic, abuses prescription medication, and smokes. I've learned that I can not control his behavior and that it is more stress than it's worth to agonize over what he is doing to himself. We have a very limited relationship due to this and various issues that occurred in my childhood. I call him a few times a year and meet him at a restaurant for a meal around birthdays and Christmas. Sometimes it is easier to keep your distance than plunge into other people's issues no matter how much you love them.

You make a good point, @VexyMommy. This would be very hard for me, since we've been so close, but I understand that might be the choice you have to make if the other person is unwilling to make a change.

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