Missing bff's wedding

EMLarie · June 2015

Hi everyone. I've been MIA on vacation and now I'm back but I've got a dilemma.

So it seems that I will be a few days over 36 weeks at the time of my best friend's wedding, which is a 1.5 hour plane ride away. I've been open to her since day 1 that I wasn't sure if I could come or not and she has been pretty cold about the whole thing. I am upset about it and definitely can understand why she is upset, but she is not understanding at all toward me and in some ways is making me feel like I am making the wrong decision. She keeps saying that it is absurd to think that I would go into labor early and even said "Well you knew when my wedding was when you were trying to get pregnant"-- hinting at the fact that I should have planned around her wedding.

My last birth was at 41 weeks, but there were many complications that left both myself and my daughter injured. This time around, with a new doctor, we are trying to prepare and prevent however possible because the chances of it happening again are the same. I'm not at risk for preterm labor, however if by chance it does happen, I want to be with the careteam who are working with me right now.

I try to defend myself and explain to her my fears, but she doesn't seem to get it. She actually said, "Well I don't understand it".

What would you do? Any advice? Any experience in either person's shoes?

Please share.

Favoritemandms · June 2015

I'm sorry you're going through this. I highly doubt your doctor will allow you to fly under the circumstances anyway. I wish I had some advice for you though. Best of luck!

CarrieOct15 · June 2015

Your bitchy BFF is not a good enough reason to put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Maybe tell her your OB restricted you from flying, so you can push the blame off on someone other than yourself? In all reality, though, she is being selfish and there's really nothing you can say other than what you've already explained. If she still doesn't get it, then that's her problem.

I feel you, though. My best friend has been cold and distant since I told her my good news. I think she feels like this baby is taking her best friend away. While I get it, it doesn't make it okay. I've stopped making any effort to communicate with her, and I feel better for it. Best friends shouldn't be work.

Good luck!

thefithuntress · June 2015

Airlines won't even let you fly when you're that pregnant.. It's a liability.

Sorry your friend is giving you grief.. She could just be stressed but it sounds like she's being a little selfish to me. I could understand disappointment but making you feel guilty is unreasonable. It's not like you can doing anything about it. Just send her a beautiful gift and stay classy. Hopefully she'll come around. Good luck!

mamavbs · June 2015

Would it be impossible to be driven? I think your friend is being unreasonable with her responses, but hopefully the bitchiness is just because she really wants you there. If you continue to be friends, you may regret not going.

I wouldn't fly, no way. But at 36 weeks I may be persuaded to drive (probably not physically drive myself). I'm just thinking about this situation as if this was MY best friend, because I know I would be sitting at home just feeling awful. And then the next day when I was still pregnant I would be "what iff'ing" and even more upset. BUT my best friend has children too, so we have that level of understanding. I'm guessing she doesn't?

It's a crappy situation but if your friendship is good, it can get over it! And if it doesn't, then it's better now than later.

jscasher · June 2015

Definitely an unfortunate situation. I'm sorry OP. Maybe she can set up a way to Skype the ceremony for you so you can tune in from home?

KeHill08 · June 2015

Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this! It definitely seems pretty selfish to me. I'm sure she is upset because she really wants her best friend there, but at the same time, I feel she should try to be a little more understanding, even if she doesn't completely get it because she's never been there (assuming she hasn't been, because if she had, she might not be reacting this way). What is really getting me, is that she kind of implied you should have planned your pregnancy around her wedding... that'sddefinitely selfish in my book. I would hope she would be more concerned about your safety and the wellbeing of you and your baby!

Your concerns about going are perfectly valid, and like a PP said, airlines won't let you fly. Driving certainly is an option, but you would have to stop frequently to walk around. How long of a drive would it be?

I really hope she comes around or that you can work something out!

EMLarie · June 2015

Thanks everyone. I always fly Delta because of Skymiles and they actually don't have flying restrictions-- I didn't know this until SHE told me and I checked myself.

The drive is about 12 hours straight through and we'd need to stop frequently (and overnight) with our 2 year old, which makes it much longer.

And she actually does have a baby... which makes it more unbelievable that she can't get where I'm coming from. Thankfully, she had a fantastic experience with her birth.

mamavbs · June 2015

Oh yeah retract most of what I said then. eff driving for 12 hours. If she has a kid already then she's a bitch and should understand a bit more! Don't be bullied to fly if you're not comfortable to

KeHill08 · June 2015

Ohh my, if she has a child, she should definitely be more understanding! Soooo selfish! I'm sorry, I know she's your best friend, but that's just messed up. Your best friend should be more concerned about your safety and the wellbeing of you and your baby. And really, that long of a drive that far along with a 2 year old would just be miserable. It's not very fun to drive that long either way, but under those circumstances... forget that noise!

Favoritemandms · June 2015

I still think your doctor is going to have an issue with it, especially given your history. Frankly, I'm not really comfortable with you going on this trip and you can tell her I said so.

dramaphile · June 2015

Regardless of airline restrictions, there's no way I would get on a plane or drive 12 hours at 36 weeks pregnant. There is a distinct possibility you could go into labor at 36 weeks and 2nd babies can come faster than the first (not to mention last time you had a traumatic delivery) and you do not want to be far from home (and your OB and the hospital you know and your home) if that were to happen! It sucks not to go, but you're being reasonable, and if she is too Bridezilla to see that, it's not your problem. I agree about seeing if you can skype in or watch via webcam if someone at the wedding is willing to help with that. Sorry you're in this situation!

sarahsnowball · June 2015

I missed my best friend's wedding which was when I was 39 weeks pregnant with DS. It was a short flight away but it just wasn't an option so late on in the pregnancy.
She wasn't cold about it but she was upset that I couldn't make it. I was really upset not to be there and I'm still sad that I missed it, but it's just the way things panned out. She had a wonderful day and she and I had a special day of catching up, looking through the photos and watching the wedding video a few months later when she came to stay with us for a few days to meet DS.

nataliejayne85 · June 2015

I have a similar situation, I was meant to be a bridesmaid for my BF in Early December, and we both live at different sides of the world!! When I fell pregnant I was sooo happy, but also felt pretty sad that I would miss her big day, I then spent a few weeks worrying about how she would take it... When I finally called her she burst into tears, but only out of happiness! She understood the situation and was not mad or upset at all - she was great. I feel for your situation, because it's not like u want to miss your BF wedding either! but u shouldn't be forced to do something you would not be comfortable with, your friend will have to understand and get over it! Yours and babies health is more important.

thegingeravenger · June 2015

I'd tell my best friend to call me when her bridezilla phase is over. This will be my first and there is absolutely no chance in hell that I will travel so far from my chosen hospital after 36 weeks. Again, it's my first so I may just be paranoid. She's upset that you didn't conceive your child around her wedding? I can't even wrap my mind around a person being that conceited.

Ceridwen77 · June 2015

Anything I've read and according to my doctor, you shouldn't travel over an hour away by car after 36w. Your friend is being beyond selfish and unreasonable. You need to do what's in the best interest of your/your baby's health.

wimamaof2 · June 2015

This is such an unfortunate situation, but your Baby and you come first. If I were you, I would not risk it and not attend the wedding. I would suggest you help her with what you can with the preparations. Maybe, even attending her bridal shower. That way she knows that you're there for her.

jamiem522 · June 2015

Just an opposite opinion but only because one of my closest friends is getting married the week after my due date across the country and I'm beyond sad I can't go.. Most airlines recommend not flying past 38 weeks. It's not that long of a flight and maybe you could go Saturday come home Sunday sort of thing. I would just think about it and see how you feel as it gets closer? How would you feel if you passed it and still went another month or so without having the baby.. Would you regret not being there for your best friends wedding? And her anger could just be sadness and she's not reacting the right way. I hope it works out and you do what's best for you.

Peony1982 · June 2015

jamiem522 said:

Just an opposite opinion but only because one of my closest friends is getting married the week after my due date across the country and I'm beyond sad I can't go.. Most airlines recommend not flying past 38 weeks. It's not that long of a flight and maybe you could go Saturday come home Sunday sort of thing. I would just think about it and see how you feel as it gets closer? How would you feel if you passed it and still went another month or so without having the baby.. Would you regret not being there for your best friends wedding? And her anger could just be sadness and she's not reacting the right way. I hope it works out and you do what's best for you.

Serious question.... Have you been 36 w pregnant before? 1.5 hours in a car or plane certainly doesn't feel "not that long" at that point.

elbou · June 2015

Peony1982 said:

jamiem522 said:

Just an opposite opinion but only because one of my closest friends is getting married the week after my due date across the country and I'm beyond sad I can't go.. Most airlines recommend not flying past 38 weeks. It's not that long of a flight and maybe you could go Saturday come home Sunday sort of thing. I would just think about it and see how you feel as it gets closer? How would you feel if you passed it and still went another month or so without having the baby.. Would you regret not being there for your best friends wedding? And her anger could just be sadness and she's not reacting the right way. I hope it works out and you do what's best for you.

Serious question.... Have you been 36 w pregnant before? 1.5 hours in a car or plane certainly doesn't feel "not that long" at that point.

jamiem522 was suggesting that OP wait and see how she feels. While I'm certainly not recommending that OP fling caution to the wind or disregard her doc's recommendations, it's entirely possible she will feel up to it at 36 weeks. The 2 hours (one way) that I spent in the car at 40 weeks with DS felt exactly as long as it always does, pregnant or not. IMO, it is a valid suggestion.

OP, talk to your doctor first and see what they suggest. If and when he/she clears you to travel, you can make up your mind on how important it is for you to be there, and whether you are comfortable making the trip. GL!

Peony1982 · June 2015

elbou said:

Peony1982 said:

jamiem522 said:

Just an opposite opinion but only because one of my closest friends is getting married the week after my due date across the country and I'm beyond sad I can't go.. Most airlines recommend not flying past 38 weeks. It's not that long of a flight and maybe you could go Saturday come home Sunday sort of thing. I would just think about it and see how you feel as it gets closer? How would you feel if you passed it and still went another month or so without having the baby.. Would you regret not being there for your best friends wedding? And her anger could just be sadness and she's not reacting the right way. I hope it works out and you do what's best for you.

Serious question.... Have you been 36 w pregnant before? 1.5 hours in a car or plane certainly doesn't feel "not that long" at that point.

jamiem522 was suggesting that OP wait and see how she feels. While I'm certainly not recommending that OP fling caution to the wind or disregard her doc's recommendations, it's entirely possible she will feel up to it at 36 weeks. The 2 hours (one way) that I spent in the car at 40 weeks with DS felt exactly as long as it always does, pregnant or not. IMO, it is a valid suggestion.
OP, talk to your doctor first and see what they suggest. If and when he/she clears you to travel, you can make up your mind on how important it is for you to be there, and whether you are comfortable making the trip. GL!

I'm not sure how often you fly, but it's not really feasible to "wait and see how you feel" to book air travel or most people's budgets, given that most tickets are non refundable or get incredibly expensive as travel date approaches. . Not to mention hoofing through an airport with a bag, lead time for security, etc. that's nice that 40 weeks pregnant felt no different to you than normal, but I'd venture a guess that travel for most people at that stage is harder than it was for you.

rachswi · June 2015

Honestly, I think you need to ask your doctor instead of the forum. Your doctor knows the ins and outs of your pregnancy and history, so s/he should know when you shouldn't travel anymore.

Then as one PP said, if the doctor says you can't go, then it becomes the doctors fault you can't travel. If the doctor doesn't have a problem with you going, then book a ticket! (But I would say you probably shouldn't be in the wedding just in case baby decides to come early)

EMLarie · June 2015

rachswi said:

Honestly, I think you need to ask your doctor instead of the forum.

I absolutely agree. My issue isn't whether or not to go, but more of how to deal with my friend giving me such a hard time about something I can't really control.

For sure I know she is sad that I can't go and it is coming across as cold and mean. I hope she gets over this and stops trying to make me feel guilty.

rachswi · June 2015

EMLarie said:

rachswi said:

Honestly, I think you need to ask your doctor instead of the forum.

I absolutely agree. My issue isn't whether or not to go, but more of how to deal with my friend giving me such a hard time about something I can't really control.

For sure I know she is sad that I can't go and it is coming across as cold and mean. I hope she gets over this and stops trying to make me feel guilty.

I think it'd be best to let things simmer down a little bit. It's a bit of a shock to find out your best friend won't be part of your perfect day. Harsh feelings will blow over if she truly values your friendship. Would you be able to help her in some capacity prior to the wedding so that you still get to be a part of it... maybe even flying out there and helping in person if you can afford a ticket for a flight that's happening when you're more like 30 weeks? (I know our finances are tight but maybe yours aren't as tight)

jamiem522 · June 2015

I actually have never been pregnant but have known a few in my life. My sister had to travel at 37 weeks.. No problem. It's not for everyone. If you fly with southwest they refund your flight back to points to use another date. It was just my opinion. Sorry for misreading the post, If I was on the fence and saw a ton of NO DONT DO IT! I would feel more likely not to and just wanted to put my 2 cents in, like everyone else.

Peony1982 · June 2015

jamiem522 said:

I actually have never been pregnant but have known a few in my life. My sister had to travel at 37 weeks.. No problem. It's not for everyone. If you fly with southwest they refund your flight back to points to use another date. It was just my opinion. Sorry for misreading the post, If I was on the fence and saw a ton of NO DONT DO IT! I would feel more likely not to and just wanted to put my 2 cents in, like everyone else.

I'm so confused... You're due a week after a friends wedding but have never been pregnant?...you saw a bunch of pregnant women (many for a multiple time) all giving same advice to a pregnant woman, and as someone who has never experienced it decided to give the opposite advice - in the meantime basically saying that traveling late in pregnancy is no big deal because you've seen people do it? Ok.

Ceridwen77 · June 2015

Peony1982 said:

jamiem522 said:

I actually have never been pregnant but have known a few in my life. My sister had to travel at 37 weeks.. No problem. It's not for everyone. If you fly with southwest they refund your flight back to points to use another date. It was just my opinion. Sorry for misreading the post, If I was on the fence and saw a ton of NO DONT DO IT! I would feel more likely not to and just wanted to put my 2 cents in, like everyone else.

I'm so confused... You're due a week after a friends wedding but have never been pregnant?...you saw a bunch of pregnant women (many for a multiple time) all giving same advice to a pregnant woman, and as someone who has never experienced it decided to give the opposite advice - in the meantime basically saying that traveling late in pregnancy is no big deal because you've seen people do it? Ok.

---quote fail---
I agree. If many people are giving the same advice, there's probably a reason for it.

Michsmelle · June 2015

Your health and the health of your baby trumps her wedding, hands down. The fact that she implied that you should have planned your pregnancy around her pretty pretty princess day indicates that she is not in her right mind. Regardless of whether your doctor says (s)he thinks you should go, do not go if you're not totally comfortable with it. Be firm but apologetic to your friend, send a gift and well wishes (not that I think she deserves them, with the selfish way she's been acting), and let her spew her crazy on others. If she's truly a good friend, she'll get over herself and reach out to you after the wedding.

bellie1223 · June 2015

Michsmelle said:

Your health and the health of your baby trumps her wedding, hands down. The fact that she implied that you should have planned your pregnancy around her pretty pretty princess day indicates that she is not in her right mind. Regardless of whether your doctor says (s)he thinks you should go, do not go if you're not totally comfortable with it. Be firm but apologetic to your friend, send a gift and well wishes (not that I think she deserves them, with the selfish way she's been acting), and let her spew her crazy on others. If she's truly a good friend, she'll get over herself and reach out to you after the wedding.

I totally agree, if you force yourself to go against your intuition, you will likely be miserable the whole time, which will just, I imagine, upset your friend more. If she were truly worth the friendship she would understand your situation and be gracious about it. Send a gift with a nice note, then really rub it in her face with a cute picture of the baby when it's born

AnnamariauDoris · June 2015

Well I wouldn't go. But in the end it's up to you. I had a BFF problem about 2.5 m ago. It's been 2 m since we haven't spoken. I miss her sometimes but still I can't get over some things. She bailed on me when I was giving her 27 y old ass a job, when she could never find one on her own. Her CV was turned down even as a line worker in a wire factory. And she was judging my high risc pregnancy which could be the last because of my cervical displazya (pre-cancer cells) and telling me her mother (who lived in a much healthyer inviroment and had kids 27-29 y ago) worked until she gave birth. And then actually said that I should wait some more because her bussines is more important than my health and I should suck it up for a bit longer. Her bussines is some college that her parents are paying , which she failed to pay for the last 2 y so I would like to see how she will explain to her parents the amount of money that she is behind on , and that has classes only on weekends. So that is how a 24 y old friendship ended. But I thought that my health and baby are more important that my entiteld princess spoiled bff.

mrskelly731 · June 2015

I would be upset at first if my BFF couldn't make it to my wedding, but clearly you can't control everything so you just have to get over it. Sorry she is being cold to you.

On the other side of that, I would do everything I could to attend my BFF's wedding. I'd check with the doctor for sure and try to make it happen. In my situation I wouldn't go because my DD was 5 weeks early and in the NICU for 10 Days so I won't be traveling after 35 weeks with this one, but if you went over with the first and the Dr gives you the green light, then absolutely. Everyone is different though. Do what feels right in your gut.

jamiem522 · June 2015

Ceridwen77 said:

Peony1982 said:

jamiem522 said:

I actually have never been pregnant but have known a few in my life. My sister had to travel at 37 weeks.. No problem. It's not for everyone. If you fly with southwest they refund your flight back to points to use another date. It was just my opinion. Sorry for misreading the post, If I was on the fence and saw a ton of NO DONT DO IT! I would feel more likely not to and just wanted to put my 2 cents in, like everyone else.

I'm so confused... You're due a week after a friends wedding but have never been pregnant?...you saw a bunch of pregnant women (many for a multiple time) all giving same advice to a pregnant woman, and as someone who has never experienced it decided to give the opposite advice - in the meantime basically saying that traveling late in pregnancy is no big deal because you've seen people do it? Ok.

---quote fail---
I agree. If many people are giving the same advice, there's probably a reason for it.

Sorry, I am currently pregnant.. First time. When I was being judged for having a different opinion I was asked if I had been 36 weeks pregnant before, that's what I meant to imply no to.

katiedhunter · June 2015

See I'm the other side here. I do agree with PP that there was no need for her to be like that to you. And obviously your doctor would have to clear you. But at 36 weeks I would still try everything in my power to go to my BFF wedding.

cherryonion · June 2015

I think it's beyond rude for someone to think that you should have planned your pregnancy around her wedding. From my limited experience with friends, family, and personal history, if you can conceive on command you're pretty lucky. It sounds like this was more than a single upsetting conversation, which would be understandable, but a pattern of selfish behavior. Maybe she'll be kinder after she gets through the wedding and realizes, while important, it's just one day. The health and safety of you and baby matters for much longer. Good luck!

EMLarie · June 2015

Thanks for all of the responses and support! Seeing other people's views on this has helped me try to figure things out.
It's still hard to look past her attitude toward all of this because she has hurt my feelings and shocked me with her comments. Regardless, I managed to give some more thought, and although my friend is being a bridezilla, I still am going to try to go to her wedding. I was always going to try, and she knew this, but she has been so cold it.
One idea that I had would be to fly there during 35 weeks and stay until the day after the wedding. This way I will technically only be travelling 1 time past the recommended 36 weeks, rather than 2. The wedding is taking place in my hometown so I will just stay with my family to cut costs. There are 2 things keeping me from doing this though-- 1. If my dr says no. 2. I would be travelling with my 2 year old by myself without help from DH because he would not be able to go that early.
Still, I have some fears that the baby will come early and I will be stuck at a strange hospital with doctors who don't know my case (and possibly without my husband with us). I'm not at risk for preterm labor at this point, but moms worry right?
Thanks again for sharing your stories and helping me.

Edit: font is messed up sorry.

dmiller1213 · June 2015

My situation is a little bit different but similar enough I feel like sharing my advice would be helpful.

My EDD is Nov 1. My best friends wedding is Nov 7. Her wedding isn't a plane ride away, it's a 45 minute drive. I told her from the get go, that there is a considerably large chance that I may not be there.

To make a very long story short, she got drunk one night and expressed her feelings that it upset her that I may not be there. And I told her TOO BAD. If you have a problem with it, don't let the door hit ya on the way out. I told her I wasn't missing her wedding for any other reason other than the fact that A) I could give birth at her wedding which I'm sure she didn't want.

I could be in the hospital having a baby or C) I could have a week old baby I'm not leaving. And if she didn't like it tough titties!

If this person is truly your friend, then she will understand and come around. I get that weddings are stressful and you think for that one day the whole world should revolve around you, been there, done that, but this is so much more important to you than her wedding. It is you and your child's health. She should understand that. Good luck!

dmiller1213 · June 2015

And my advice on how to handle her being this way, just give it time. Bc I can almost guarantee that one day she'll look back and be like man that was silly of me.

I know I acted like a fool during my wedding planning and I've apologized to everyone for my behavior. I'm sure she'll come around if she's truly your friend.

GracedGuest · June 2015

I can totally relate to having a bff who thinks you should plan your pregnancies around her. I was planning on going on a trip next summer with mine overseas but totally won't now that I'll have a six month old at the time. She made a comment too implying if I had waited we could have still traveled.

Anyways, I didn't read everyone's comments, but it seems like most people are saying don't go. really talk to your doctor. I'm tentatively planning on flying when I'm 35 weeks this time to attend a wedding my DH is in. But of course I'll see how my pregnancy goes and how I'm feeling. I guess it's different if you're in a wedding and the bride needs to know now. Last pregnancy, my doctor said I couldn't fly from 37 weeks (term) and later so...

Missing bff's wedding

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