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Pregnant, gay and stuck between a rock and a hard place

blob143blob143 member
in LGBT Parenting
hi all. I'm Sarah. 18 weeks pregnant.

Long story short, comming out was hard for me and I did so later in life, after a failed marriage wth a man and three amazing children. I dated me. And finally found the courage to meet a female. Well I did meet the woman of my dreams, and so madly in love and couldn't imagine going back to that confusing world of being straight that I lived in for so long. The problem is i got pregnant by a male before I met her.
I was in love with this man, very much but obviously knew I was gay and was so confused which caused many issues... We broke up, a few weeks later I met her and 2 weeks later i find out im pregnant.
To my surprise she embraced the news and has been amazing and there for me every single step of the way.

Now we are half way through, im high risk for many other reasons. She has been there through everything, so has he.... I feel like they are playing tug of war with me over being in the OR when the day comes. I want my girlfriend, my partner, the one that's held my hair back, taken care of my other three children, bought the crib and the list goes on, there.

Yet he's a great guy and wants to be involved and we want him involved, but is the delivery about me or the baby? I'm so torn. As baby's father he has the right to be the first to hold his child. But I also have the right to hold my partners hand in such a stressful, scarey and exciting situation. I feel I can't win. I see both sides...

Ok there's my intro, my rant. I have little to no gay friends. My family and friends have been so supportive but when it comes to this... I'm lost.
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Re: Pregnant, gay and stuck between a rock and a hard place

  • KLake42KLake42 member
    It sounds like you may need to sit down with this guy and, to start with, have some conversations about custody and visitation, and how you want to work out shared parental rights.  That's the elephant in the room that may need to be addressed, and it's probably better to start that conversation now.  I'm an attorney, and have some experience in family law.  So trust me, if you can work this stuff out between you, you will be worlds happier than if you ever have to get a lawyer involved.  

    In talking about that, you can emphasize how important it is that he be there once the baby is born.

    But for labor and birth?  You're the one who is going to be doing the hard work, partly to mostly naked, and you get choose your birthing partner.  Choose the person who's right for *you*.  It's your show.  Baby doesn't show up until the finale.

    It may be easier to discuss this with him if you do it as part of a larger conversation where you are respecting his role as father, and how important he is once the baby actually arrives.  Talk to your doctor, find out the hospital policy for how many people can be with you, and how soon you can invite him in once baby shows up.

    Good luck, and stand your ground!
    Me- 39 (turning 40 in April), TTC for the first time ever (since Jan 2015), low ovarian reserve
    Married 3/14/14 to my wonderful wife, but her sperm count is rather low
    TTC with frozen donor sperm and science

    7 IUIs, 7 BFNs.
    2 IVF attempts, both cancelled and converted to IUI, both BFNs.
    Decided that my tired old ovaries are ready to retire.
    Next step- reciprocal IVF, using my wife's eggs, my uterus!  
    fresh 5 day transfer (2 embryos) 4/17/17- BFP! 
    Identical twins "due" 1/2/17 (but anticipated arrival sometime December)

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  • beanie1977beanie1977 member
    Can more than one person be in the room with you? I was at a friend's birth along with her and her wife.

    I agree that you need to come up with a parenting plan with this man. If you need mediation or legal services I know there are places you can go. In my city there is a free LGBT legal clinic. I would look and see if there is an LGBT center in your area that can provide resources.

    Good luck. It sounds that while this is challenging, you're in good hands with a partner that loves you, a dad who plans to be there and a supportive family.
    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1c1556.aspx[/img][/url]
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  • blob143blob143 member
    Thanks :) that's just it though I'll be having a c section and know there will only be one person allowed in the OR with me.
    We've discussed his involvement and im not concerned about visitation/custody afterward, we are at a pretty good place right now when it comes to all of that.

    It's the who will be in the OR with me that has me torn apart. I see rights on both sides, and I obviously want my partner there but I'm not the person to want to take that moment away from a father either. :(
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  • leeteeceeleeteecee member
    Great advice @KLake42. You need someone in the room who is there for you - the baby is just the closing act. Talk it through with both of them - but first, check with the hospital to confirm that indeed only one of them can come in. It sounds like they (and you) are pretty reasonable people in dealing with a tricky situation so far - good luck in getting it worked out.
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  • hopes4babyhopes4baby member
    I would say partner in OR and dad waiting to follow the kid when they wheel him or her to the nursery so that he has the import at job of watching her when you can't and your partner can have the important job of taking care of you.
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