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November 2015 Moms
JustLikeUptown
member
Husband Drinking
JustLikeUptown
member
I'm half terrified to even post on here for fear of "doing it wrong" and enduring miles of hurtful comments...but I can't find a discussion about my question anywhere else on the internet. Please excuse the book, I am a writer by profession and I feel specific context is needed, I get to the point toward the bottom if you want to skip ahead.
I understand there has been a thread about drinking already posted. I simply would like some opinions on my personal situation.
CONTEXT
This is my first pregnancy. I and my husband were told we would likely need to undergo fertility treatments if ever we wanted children as we hadn't been preventing it since marriage and four years passed without conceiving. Fertility treatment wasn't something I was going to do, and we weren't too upset by the prospect of possibly having to adopt children some years down the road. But I digress, this was unexpected, but I am pregnant and we are very happy about it.
My issue is this: while I am very successful in my career, by far the bread winner of our household, and extremely social - I struggle with drinking. The majority of people in my life are completely oblivious to this, I suppose I'm a "high-functioning alcoholic," whatever that means (as if it changes anything). It has yet to get in the way of my work or my relationships, but there is no mistake to be made, I have (or had?) a very big problem with drinking - all day, every day. It's what woke me up in the morning and helped me sleep at night. On top of that, something even less widely known among those in my life, I've suffered greatly from manic depression and anxiety since the age of 15. I suspect my drinking has likely been a supplement to my substantial regimen of medication.
I found out I was pregnant at three weeks and have not had a drop of alcohol since then. I've also stopped all but one of my medications (per a lengthy discussions with my psychiatrist and OB). I'm an extremely driven person and because there simply was no choice in my head to do otherwise, quitting these things so abruptly likely looked easy to my husband. But they haven't been easy. My anxiety is through the roof and I dream of drinking every single night.
I married my best friend from college. He is a very gentle soul and generally very emotionally supportive of me. But, I often feel like the adult in our household as my career has found much more success than his, I am responsible for managing all of the bills, figuring out all of the health insurance, car repairs, etc. - if it's considered "adulting," I'm the one doing it. The feeling of being more of a parent than a partner has only exploded since I've found out I'm pregnant. I've switched gears from having drinks and networking with co-workers to spending all of my spare time researching which car seat to get or which types of diaper pails are the best. I ask questions like "Have you thought about who we will appoint as God Parents," and he just says, "No." I ask again a few days later, the answer is still no. In many ways, he never grew out of my best friend from college, but I still love him.
QUESTION
He's continued to drink. He doesn't drink super often, maybe once a week (much less than I ever did pre-pregnancy), but it continues to be the only thing he seems to look forward to or thinks about (since he's clearly not thinking about which car seat we're getting, which insurance forms we need to fill out, God Parents, etc). And when I say "drink" I don't mean having a beer or two, of course I wouldn't mind that. I mean college-like drinking.
This weekend we are going to a wedding at a lake for two days, and I've asked him to simply be aware that I'm going to get tired, etc. And to please not go crazy. We are sharing a hotel room with our friends from college - none of whom have children and only one couple of which is married. I have so much anxiety about him drinking because when he gets around all of our friends from college he goes nuts and gets loud and aloof (not mean or anything, but not anyone I want to be around right now).
I already feel like I will have less in common with these people than I ever have and I have nothing to numb my anxiety with about being stuck with them all day - I haven't been in social situations of this magnitude, sober, for almost 10 years. And it would mean so much to me to just have him say, "hey I know this is hard for you, so I'm not going to drink this weekend, because you know, I can have fun sober, too." But instead he seems a little annoyed that I've asked him to be "aware" of his drinking. Is it unfair, or irrational of me, to ask my husband to quit drinking (defined as more than 4 drinks at a time) while I'm pregnant?
Aside from the anxiety I'm going to feel socially this weekend, I would probably kill a kitten (it's a joke) for a drink right now. It's not easy for me. And this is just another situation where I feel as if I'm playing parent to my partner. Both of our drinking habits are going to have to change for good after the baby is here - mine already have - I don't see how it is unfair to ask him to start changing his now either, especially seeing as it isn't easy for me to watch him drink. (And AGAIN, I'm not saying a beer here or there, I'm saying getting drunk.)
Am I asking too much?
Re: Husband Drinking
Or, if the thought of sitting down and starting that conversation is too daunting for you, show him all of this that you just wrote as a starting off point for the conversation.
Do you have anyone else you can talk to? A close friend who knows what you are going through and can help you stay on track?
And, in your situation, I don't think it's asking too much at all to ask him to quit drinking at this time.
He may have a problem and it may be hard for him to stop. You already mentioned a psychologist - what about couples counseling or getting him in for a session? You are trying to communicate your expectations to him and he is being non-receptive. It sounds like you might need a mediator.
This will only get harder when the baby arrives, so whatever you can do now would be beneficial to your family. Good luck.
Additionally, have you sought counseling for your bipolar and alcohol issues? A counselor might be able to get a better feel for the situation based on face to face interaction with you. Couples counseling may be a good thing as well.
It often takes much, much longer (if it happens) for guys to become interested in children's gear and such especially if it's your first. My suggestion on the gear if he's uninterested is narrow down the choices and give him a say in which of your top two or three you go with. (Learning this method now will go well when dealing with your toddler later. lol.)
I will point out that he is probably not going to ever worry about car seats or similar things. Some guys just don't think they need to, especially if they feel you have it covered. My husband is like this, but it definitely doesn't mean he loves our daughter any less. Most men don't really bond with a baby until it's here, some take until they interact more. It's okay. Try to understand that it just may not feel real to him yet. When you talk to him, don't focus on the baby, focus on you. You are real and concrete to him. The baby may still feel abstract.
Don't ever fret about posting here. You obviously looked around and knew how to open your post. You explained what you were looking for from us very well. So I hope you feel comfortable contributing to the community more in the future.
Like PPs said I would definitely talk to your husband. Don't just spring this conversation on him, tell him you want to talk to him about the drinking Friday afternoon or whatnot. I also agree that you are not asking too much. If you aren't already, I would recommend seeing someone be at a therapist or counselor or what have you at least until you can go back on your medications.it really does help to have a neutral third-party to talk to and they might be able to give you some coping mechanisms for your anxiety and depression. Maybe even see if your husband can tagalong for a few sessions, I can see how if you already feel like you're having the mother your husband how that can lead to resentment down the line once you actually have a child to mother. Good luck!
More creepy Internet hugs for you!
Hang in there. I hope everything works out. More creepy internet hugs for you...
The words that stuck with me is that you feel like more of a parent than a partner. I definitely think that could be an issue that is worth discussing as a couple in counseling. I'm sure it's hard to express those feelings to your husband without hurting him.
And like the other women said I don't think you're crazy for asking him to stop drinking out of solidarity, especially since you're fighting your own demons and need some support. Best of luck to you and creepy Internet hugs!
The PPs have made some great suggestions and I think they will help a lot. One addition I'd suggest is to reach out to friends who aren't in the same party scene, maybe someone from work, living nearby or even something like prenatal yoga. It may help your husband see the 'new lifestyle' can be fun too!
Best of luck at the wedding, I hope it works out.