Visitors at home...

slr1229 · June 2015

Question for those who have had their babies already. My in-laws say they will come a few days later after the birth (they're out of town)- I am stressing out over this bc I was hoping to not have people linger at the house after we get back all day. Hubs will be off from work and want just us two together learning. I am not fond of my MIL and was hoping I could use the nurses to say okay, they need a break!

Those that had ppl come visit- how was it? I am tempted to call my FIL and tell him my hubs will be disappointed if my family is all at the hospital on day 2 and his isn't. Thoughts? Clearly can't sleep over this....

klkonwi · June 2015

My sis and BIL are staying for a week...... I'm nervous about it but also know that being an FTM I will need showers, sanity and someone to hold baby when I need a nap!

It's hard when your family is from out of town because you don't want to make them pay for a hotel room yet you want your privacy.
Wish I could help but I'm winging this one!!!!

slr1229 · June 2015

Good luck! Luckily they will be staying in a hotel room- just don't know if I can handle them all day when we're learning. Would prefer to have my Mom around. We will see! Ah

MJMum524 · June 2015

It all depends on your mood/feelings when you get home from the hospital. We got discharged late from the hospital and I appreciated my parents staying with us that day and visiting. However, as we were leaving we had a few stressful moments and I wanted to tell my parents to get the $&@? out and let us be the parents. So if everything goes smoothly, it may be ok. Just be prepared to tell them to take a breather if you need time to be alone. Also, make sure they know you may spontaneously take a nap and you won't be "hosting" them at your house as you may had done in the past.

virginiaunicorn11 · June 2015

My MIL and mother stayed in our one-bedroom apartment for a week, starting the day after we got home from the hospital. I was SUPER nervous about it, but it worked well. We showed them how to use the kitchen and do laundry, and made it clear that we needed help with my recovery but not the baby - though we made sure they gotLO snuggle time, too. I would just take the baby into the bedroom and feed him or nap with him as needed. Sometimes I'd invite them in to hang out, and sometimes I just kept the door closed. They also made meals and went grocery shopping. We were very direct in what we asked them to do.

To be honest, there were stressful moments. And I felt relieved when they left. But in not sure I would have been able to get so much rest without them.

Just use them to help, and don't let it stress you out. When the baby comes, you'll be so focused on LO that you won't focus on this so much (or that was my experience at least).

virginiaunicorn11 · June 2015

PS, it was Internet advice that had me all worked up about them coming and it being a bad idea. I wish I hadn't worried so much beforehand or let the horror stories here/online affect me so much

ciennah99 · June 2015

Here's been my experience after My LO came 3 weeks early. My sister had already booked her flight & taken time off for this week. She's been a great help with housework, feeding me & helping with baby especially since DH is oncall this week & hasn't been around as much. She offered to stay the night but I had her stay with other relatives. Even though I needed help earlier this worked out well for me bc DH & I were able to spend time on our own figuring out this baby & what works for us without someone else jumping in to help us (my sister has 3 kids so fhe knows what she's doing). Anyway it kind if feels like this worked out better for us in the long run. Maybe your inlaws could come later on to give you that time you are wanting?

dancegurl1118 · June 2015

Especially with the trouble I was having breast-feeding, I am so thankful that I only had visitors for an hour here and there. I needed time to sit without a shirt on to let my nipples heal, and to work on latching.

Kresla · June 2015

My mother plans on being with us the first week and a half. I'm not worried about that at all because she told me it is to allow me to get through the initial recovery and to sleep. I am worried about my MIL coming over as she only lives 20 min away during that time.

Maybe have a sign for your door that simply says "resting do not disturb". Put it up when you need down time or when you want bonding time with the baby. Your husband can use it too or all three of you can. In all honesty, they should be there for you guys, not just for the baby. If they are there just for the baby, then they are being selfish. Perhaps have a list of stuff to be done but also allow them some bonding time with the baby. Best of luck to both of us

We will make it!

slr1229 · June 2015

Thanks for all of your input. Unfortunately they will only be there for the baby and won't be much help to either of us. They are the definition of selfish; my MIL clean or cook for someone else? Pff! I am a okay with my mom or sisters coming, they'd be super helpful and hands off but not these folks!

Kresla · June 2015

That really is too bad... You shouldn't have to entertain and care for them along with a newborn. I'd let them fend for themselves or figure out if they want food, they need to cook it.

curced · June 2015

Aww

karaelaine1991 · June 2015

My opinion: If they're coming to help, absolutely let them come. If they're coming to visit and aren't the type to help, then don't have them stay with you. If you had your appendix removed, would people think that your recovery time is a good time for a visit? I certainly hope not. I'd treat recovery from L&D the same way - if they intend to help when they visit, let them come, but if they'll expect you to be a host, ask them to come another time.

FWIW my mom and sister just left after having spent a week with us. They were SUCH a huge help. They left this morning and I'm super sad to have them gone now. That's how guests after baby should be: visiting to help make YOUR life easier, with the bonus of being able to spend time with a baby. If that's not how you see the visit going, then schedule it for another time.

esampson1983 · June 2015

It's the opposite with my family. MIL is super helpful and my parents are not helpful and stress me out. I planted the seeds back in November that DH and I would need time to adjust before having company. After going back and forth we finally decided that they could come and stay the beginning of July. I am happy about this because right now my mother is finding flaws with everything I do which would have sent me over the edge in the beginning but I will better be able to handle now. My father also pouts if we don't take him out for meals when they visit ( he pulled that on us when I was still in the throws of morning sickness) which I will not tolerate now that we have a baby. Also I mentioned to them some of his screaming fits (which improved once we figured out it was gas and introduced gas drops) and my father made the comment he was happy he was coming down later.

We gave them the option of staying with us if they came down later or staying in a hotel that they would have to cover the cost of if they came down earlier. I also told them that baby boy would be a lot more interactive and mama would be less hormonal if they waited, which helped the cause as well. We also were in complete agreement with this plan so we presented a United front.

My MIL on the other hand lives close by. She has helped around the house, brought food, and taken baby boy so I can rest. I don't know what I would do without her help!

Good luck OP!

ElRuby · June 2015

You will probably appreciate the help and you can always escape to your own room when it gets to be too much.

meganjoelle · June 2015

@slr1229 , you pretty much echoed exactly how I feel about my husband's parents planning to visit the first weekend our son is here. He and I have talked extensively about it and made two plans. First, no overnight guests at our house for the first three weeks in order to give us time to work out a routine and to respect our space and privacy. Second, we're actually setting visiting hours for our house. 9am-7pm with an extension to 8pm for family, but from 2-4 every day we want nobody at the house. It defines when we are okay with friends and family at the house and still gives us a break mid-afternoon to ensure his mom isn't driving me crazy.

We have a very tense relationship with his family that I don't want our son to be affected by, so this was our best solution to try and stay sane while they come and my hormones are raging out of control (and the best chance for me NOT to snap on them!). If I thought they would be helpful, it would be a different story, but his mom literally said "I want to feed him a bottle and just spend time with him because we aren't driving 12 hours just to be kept busy." Not happening, I'm breastfeeding, and our dog will want more attention from them than our son will.

slr1229 · June 2015

@meganjoelle can we be bffs? They must be the same people! Are they bringing a small yapper dog with them? I need to find a way to tell my husband to let them know I don't want their dog coming along the trip. We will be getting our own used to the new lifestyle and hers is mean anyways. I wish you the best of luck...I feel you

meganjoelle · June 2015

Haha thankfully no on the dog! I would tell them it is going to be a big adjustment already and you don't want to cause their dog unnecessary stress by being around a newborn. Really, the stress it would cause is on you, but by making it seem like you have their best interests in mind, it may work! Lol good luck to you too! I thought I had escaped the in-laws since his dad doesn't have time off, but now his mom and grandma are coming with his brother for the week before the 4th of July, which cuts his brother's trip short (and made him mad, but if he can't stand up to his mom, not my problem!).

knwilliams01 · June 2015

My MIL stayed with us the first 5 nights we were home (pre-planned trip to help us move, then LO ended up being born at 36 weeks). She was more of a burden than help. She doesn't cook, doesn't clean, and won't listen to the way we want things done. DH felt guilty and cooked for all of us including her, DH cleaned (we had just moved 2 days before LO's birth), and MIL sat on the couch watching tv and bitching that she wanted more cuddle time with LO. She also not-so-kindly told me how wrong I was doing things (she heated BM in the microwave when she had kids, I should never wake my baby to feed even tho she was a preemie in her opinion). She asked what she could do to help and we asked her to run to the grocery store. She couldn't do that "bc they wouldn't let her use our credit card" and it was too big a hassle for us to write her a check and her to have to cash it. Ugh getting mad all over again thinking about it all.

slr1229 · June 2015

Gah, I'm sorry to hear all that. Sounds like mine too! Can't wait to hear what we're doing wrong! She doesn't drive anywhere so she def won't go get anything for us.

rpazzaam · June 2015

I think you should just be honest and tell them that you would really like more time to rest and spend time getting used to the baby. Ask if they can come down in a few weeks when you've gotten a handle on things. Why is it so hard to tell others no to invading your personal space?

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