Advice needed (sorry long advice would be great though)

kirsty100 · June 2015

So I'm so glad both my boyfriend and my parents are excited to be be grandparents, but with my parents which I appreciate what they have done my mum brought our pram which was expensive she did the same for my sister so means a lot to me, my dad paid money on our layby which also means a lot I appreciate what they have done but my boyfriends mother future mil brought monitor which is great! The problem is she's constantly buying clothes and things and stuff I don't really need and I have asked her not to and boyfriend has also asked her not to but she doesn't seem to be listening to either of us. I'd rather her ask me what we need ect because it is our baby not hers. Instead she just ignores anything I say I feel as though it's just lack of respect for me. Generally she listens to my boyfriend but this doesn't seem to be case. My parents both don't over step boundaries because they know it's big thing for me they all have respect for my boyfriend and treat him right, there has also been memory's occasions where she's thrown adult tantrums which is really immature and makes me extremely mad but I bite my cheek, I feel she is very childish and places games with me sometimes I try to ignore all this, I just feel like nothing I do or say is good enough which is fine, I asked her not to buy porta cot because we will get one when we need one she won't be baby sitting for a while due to lack of respect she has for me I don't feel comfortable with her looking after my child. My fil then came over that day as I had messaged her stating I didn't need her to worry about getting one and he said there going to get one anyways blah blah blah which is fine but there not going to be baby sitting which I made clear. I've also asked her to stop buying clothes but doesn't listen like I understand she wants to buy stuff but ask me what I need she's going and buying size one and shit like who knows how long it's going to take the baby to fit into these, I'm more then happy to donate them which will probably be what I do. They also keep making comments on me going back to work and how my mil can look after baby whilst I work, these comments got to point where I turned around said you won't be looking after baby for a while as I'm breast feeding and asked what breast feeding had anything to do with it. Still they keep making comments about me dumping my child off at there place so my mil can look after our baby while I sleep! I'm having a baby I understand it's going to be tuff but I'm not going to take easy option I want to be around for our child not her! I want to raise my boyfriends and my child ourselves and if I need help I'll ask. I was raised fairly independent person so I know my limits and when I need help I generally ask. I just don't know how to cope with any of this anymore it's gotten to point I don't know what to say! I've tried being nice and that's not working I really don't enjoy fighting with people and dealing with her adult tantrum so how can I go about this in an adult way. I kinda sick of her treating me like a child she carry on when she doesn't get her own way and live just around corner from her. I'm wondering how to limit our time with our baby also because she's going to be full on.

mommy_wife_nurse · June 2015

I would just say thank you for the clothes etc when she gets them, cause I'm sure that won't stop. We are in a similar situation and decided that's what's best. We will sell or return what we don't use or don't plan to use.

I wouldn't worry too much about her wanting baby all the time either. My boyfriend's mom is the exact same way to the point that she bought things just to keep at their place for baby. We have learned to just say "ok" and let it be. When that time comes, we will have the final say about babysitting, etc. so I don't see any troubles. It's not like she will come and grab baby from you. (I would hope not anyway!!!)

Hope this helps, hang in there!!

kirsty100 · June 2015

That helps it's good to see how other people deal because I don't want to be nasty or anything. But yeah haha I'd hope she wouldn't come around grab baby haha there crazy I just wonder why they bahave this way sometimes I wonder if it's me overrating but I try to brush it off most of the time. Thank you for the advice @mlobrummond

mommy_wife_nurse · June 2015

No problem! I hate to see others in similar situations as this. It's SO hard to keep the emotions and hormones in check some days!

It'll all work out though, might just take patience and time, unfortunately.

kirsty100 · June 2015

I actually feel bad for any person who has overbearing mil I am glad though that my boyfriend has my back. It's teaching me that for sure!! I know I've had some crazy moments because of her I'll be honest there. @mlobrummond

srahluvsgrizz · June 2015

This sounds exactly like my MIL. She probably bought DD #1 over 100 outfits in each size. There was no way I could use them all before she outgrew them and I felt it was so wasteful. She also refused to give us receipts and took what we weren't using (like, let herself into the house and took bags of clothes I had set aside for friends or to donate). She also fully stocked a nursery with every baby item known to man at her house, even though we told her I'd be BF and she wouldn't be having overnight stays. Trust me, it made me absolutely insane.

Here's my advice, 4 years later looking back and potentially about to go through it again - ignore her. Just say thank you and do with the stuff as you are able (save/put away what you want, give away the rest). If she starts a shrine to your baby at her house, just snap a few pics to show your friends when you need to vent, but ignore that too. At the end of the day, you'll be the mom and you'll decide where the baby sleeps. Also, and this is important, make sure bf is on your side. It took a while for me to get my DH to see my perspective on this one (after 26 years of being her son, he thought this was normal behavior), but things got much easier for us once he understood how I felt.

LiveNLove44 · June 2015

@srahluvsgrizz, I think we have the same MIL...!

OP, you have received some great advice. I think it's always nice to hear that other people can relate, but it certainly doesn't make it easier, does it? I definitely agree with being appreciative of the gifts (you don't have to ooh and aah, just a thank you will suffice), and when the time comes for them to babysit or not, let it be natural. If you try to tackle what it'll be like with them now, they'll be offended quickly (mostly your MIL). However, if you wait for when baby is here and the reality is clear that you will be with the LO for BFing and such and in no need of them, it will be easier to say no thank you to their offers to come watch LO. It's much easier to say, "Sorry, LO is going through a growth spurt and I'm nursing every hour or so" than it is to say, "Sorry, I don't know for sure, but I think I will be breastfeeding a lot of the time." I know that you already know what the reality will be like and you're trying to preempt it with these conversations, but it sounds like they won't listen to your reasons until the time comes. This is just how my experience went with my MIL, and it took the edge off once DD arrived to have concrete evidence for why she wouldn't be coming over every day to watch her! Good luck!!

kirsty100 · June 2015

all our mother in laws should be best friends thank you so much for all the great advice yes and you are right I'm trying to preempt things when I should really just let it go and wait for time to come but honestly it's nice knowing I'm not the only one out there with crazy mil. The best part is my bf does understand but it has taken me a while for him to see my side she's pushing him away with the things she does ect she's just very jealous lady because not everything is about her but now apparently she has health issues due to a fatty liver but I guess that's what happens when you sleep all day eat crap and don't exercise yet she still manages to complain about it. I'm trying to stay civil to save the drama but some times shit she does is beyond a joke like she found out sex of the baby and was offering to make first birthday cake. Or randomly messaging me about how my mum is when they barely know each other and she is quite nasty towards my mum she just does things to stir the pot and find it extremely hard to ignore now that I'm pregnant not that it's an excuse but it feels like it's 10000 times worse now! But everyone's advice has helps so thank you @srahluvsgrizz @LiveNLove44

MaddsMomma · June 2015

I understand that having an overbearing mother in law is tough, but it sounds like she's just really excited too.

To play devil's advocate, there are single mom's in homeless shelters who w I uld kill to have your problem. Say thabks. Ignore the rest. When she wants to babysit, say you're not comfortable leaving kid yet. Or maybe you'll be lucky and baby won't take a bottle (like mine did). Then, you don't have to make the choice at all

MaddsMomma · June 2015

Ugh take the apostrophe out of moms, stupid phone.

FrozenMommy · June 2015

While I agree it sounds like she's just ignoring you and it's too much, at least they have gotten anything for your baby. My 2 MIL's don't really even ask how I am feeling these days...And don't worry, once the baby comes, and you just never let them babysit, eventually they will get it. Mine still say passive aggressive things about it all the time, but in the end it's my decision and they have to get over it.

kirsty100 · June 2015

When you really think about it though where carrying there grandchildren or have there grandchildren you really think they'd be nice because if it wasn't for us they wouldn't have these wonderful things! I wonder if there just made because we took there sons honestly I will never ever be one of those mil my mum always makes sure she's not like that because my dads mother was a horrible lady we have nothing to do with her because of it. I just wish it was easy the amount of times I have told her I don't feel comfortable with her touching my stomach she tells me it's her right because she's the nana. My own mum doesn't even touch me like the way she does it, it's weird one person has that right and it's my boyfriend

BoomBarian · June 2015

Do I have pregnancy brain or was this impossible to read?

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Advice needed (sorry long advice would be great though)

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