Step mom but first pregnancy

gsaund1017 · June 2015

i am a stepmom to three kids ages 2-5. I just recently found out I was pregnant and am due in January but can't help but worry about what the adjustment period is going to be like. They are all great kids and I love them all to pieces but I don't want them to feel less loved or wanted when baby comes. We get them fifty percent of the time and I know they are to young to really feel resentment or anger towards the baby but I was wondering if there were any mommies out there that went through the same thing that had fun ideas to get them prepared and excited for when baby comes.

keshakdavis · June 2015

I also am in a blended fanily. My husband has 2 children from a previous marriage. A daughter 8 and a son 11. I have a son from a previous marriage who's 12. We haven't told them yet but have asked before we began trying just to get their reactions. The boys could care less but our daughter goes back and forth. She enjoys being the baby and not sure if she'd want a sister. We haven't decided how to tell them but it'll be in the 2nd trimester. I'm having twins and it's looking like fraternal so she may end up with a little sister anyway.

cazza22 · June 2015

I'm a step mam to a little boy of 6, I let his daddy tell him alone and the went in after, he was actually pretty pleased (he doesn't get excited really) all he keeps saying is he wants a brother so is going to be a little disappointed if it's a sister ~O) haha. Kids adapt and understand more than we give them credit for. He knows he's loved by everyone and I've explained that won't change, there's enough love in us to love them both the same x

MommaB16 · June 2015

My step kids are older, 13 & 11, (yes there's an age gap between me and my hubs) and this will be mine and my husbands first child together. I have been trying to wrap my head around how our schedule will change too. We have my SK's 50% of the time, and I find myself thinking about how sad both, my step kids and my baby(as he/she gets older) will be every time they leave. I hadn't thought about this before being pregnant. I know it will be fine, it just makes me kind of sad knowing they'll miss each other.
We don't know how we'll tell the kids yet, but I do know my SD will be excited, she's been asking for a couple years now when we would be giving her a little brother or sister (which was stressful when trying to conceive) but I knew how innocent her request was. And my teenage SS will be as excited as any teenager can get ; )
If anyone has any fun stories about how they told their SK's about expecting I would love to hear them!

Lljbean · June 2015

I'm a step-mom as well. I've been with my husband since our son was 3, he was 6 when found out we were expecting our first DD. We waited until we found out what we were having and told him together. He was like, "Oh, okay! Can we play hungry hungry hippos now?" We kept him really involved throughout the pregnancy and we also got him a gift "from DD" when she was born, so it was a special day for him as well.

I said this to another poster a few weeks back, but being a step parent already comes with a lot of stigma and I think as hard as we try, we tend to stress out about things that end up being totally okay. Im not going to lie,(due to just the most ridiculous drama our son's bio-mom started after finding out we were pregnant. TBH every happy milestone in mine and my DH's relationship has been hit with some kind of darkness because of her. I spent the first 2 years crying a lot and then after our daughter was born I felt way more confident in my parenting abilities to both our son and our DD and realized our son loves me so much. Now we just kind of roll our eyes and deal with whatever she is trying to make happen.) I'm slightly stressed about telling our son again that we are expecting but I am confident in our love for him and his great relationship with us and DD, that everything will be fine. I had all the same fears you do, but I think it'll be great. Good luck and a Happy 9 months!

melmel7224 · August 2015

This has been so very encouraging to read. My step daughter is 3 and is so excited to have a little brother, but i dont want her to feel unloved. We only have her every other weekend so it will make things hard especially right after the baby is born, but we will do everything in our power to let her know that we love her just as much if not more. If anyone has any suggestions to help make this an easier transition that would be wonderful.

Sully314 · August 2015

So glad this is a post.

I am a step mom to two amazing boys (9 and 13). We told them just before we knew the sex and they both were excited. But then they started to say how much they wanted a sister and not a brother (they fight a lot as brothers tend to do). So my only advise would be to wait until you know the sex to tell them, step-kids or bio-kids, so no one gets their hopes up for one sex. Not that it's then end of the world if they get disappointed but it kind of stressed me out. Luckily in our case we are having a girl and everyone is thrilled. I have sensed that our 9 year old worries where his place will be in the family when a new kid comes around. So my husband and I reassure him regularly that he is still loved tremendously and that will never change. Then we just remind him of the cool things about being a brother. I think its natural for any kid to have mixed emotions about an addition to the family and I think step families tend to be extremely cautious for the kids (which is great). But I'm constantly amazed at how wonderful things turn out and how my stress is really for nothing. Kudos to all of the other step mommies out there! It's challenging but very rewarding.

khelc · August 2015

I am a step mom of a 6 year old boy. He is excited for the baby, but naturally wants a brother. I am pregnant for the first time and the only issue I am having inside is that I really want a girl. I feel like my husband has already had the experience of a child being born and so it's not a " first" for him. I want a girl so that we can experience that first together. Either way I will be so happy, but I would love to experience that together. Does anyone else feel like this?

Sully314 · August 2015

@khelc - I totally hear how you feel. I too hoped for a girl since we have two sons from my husband's last marriage. But I tried really hard to come around to the idea of another boy and I actually became excited for a boy too. As I mentioned before, we now know we are having a girl. When we got the news, I was surprised that although I was on cloud 9 that we were having a girl, a part of me was sad it wasn't a boy. I never thought I could feel that way. I've wanted a girl for so long. So maybe trying hard to imagine life with either sex will get your mind in a more neutral place. I had nursery ideas, names, and looked at cute clothes for boys (they do exist!) and I started to get excited either way. Boys tend to be super close to their moms, too, so that's another plus side to having a boy. Good luck!!!

khelc · August 2015

@Sully314 thank you for the input. It's nice to hear I'm not the only one with these feelings. A part of me felt like a horrible person for feeling that way. Your reply helped me look at it in a different way. Thank you!

Sully314 · August 2015

@khelc I have the same struggles you have. You are in no way a horrible person. We give some stuff up when we marry someone with kids. One of the things is going through our first pregnancy while our SO has already been there. It's a though picture to work through. Especially if you're like me and have been waiting forever to start my own family. But there are some good things about our situation, too. Like, I know for sure that my husband will be an amazing dad because I've had the chance to see him with his boys. I have no doubt he will take good care of me and our new addition. Plus he's not new to things like diapers and late night feedings. I can imagine this is a struggle for some new dads and that could be stressful for some new moms to think about.

And I appreciate you being honest about your feelings. I find it hard to find people to open up to about the struggles of step family life. It's not always easy and unless you are in a blended family yourself, you really don't understand the struggles we face. So when you are open about your feelings it makes me feel less alone in my feelings.

Buehler99 · August 2015

Totally agree with all you ladies!! I'm a step-mom to three girls (15, 13, and 9), but unfortunately we only get them six weeks out of the year. When we told them, we did it in the car, and there was complete silence! I looked back, and the two oldest were smiling. The little one finally said, "yes! Now I'll have someone to pick on!" They will be amazing big sisters, but the middle one is sad that they will miss out on so much of the little one's life (which is really sad to me too!). Like @Sully 314 said, the only "new" thing I have to give my husband with this baby is to give him a boy (even though we are both about 90% certain it's a girl!), but no matter what, this is our first miracle together, and I hope it'll be an amazing experience for both of us. While at times he doesn't seem as excited about something as I am because he's been there before, I know he'll be excited when the baby comes. And like mentioned before, I know he will be an awesome dad because I get to see it when the girls are with us. Being a step-mom is not always rainbows and unicorns, but i'm glad we are here for each other too!!

khelc · August 2015

@Buehler99 and @Sully314 yes I agree with both of you, I know my husband will be an amazing dad because I get to see him with his son. He's a great dad so it's comforting to know he won't freak out and knows what to expect. Thanks for all the advice. It's definitely comforting to know there are other women out there with the same feelings. Good luck to both of you.

BabyBump2 · August 2015

I am a step mom to a 4 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. My main concern is our girl. We tend to have a lot of appointments or people come over to our house for our 2 year old because he is mentally/physically disabled. She has serious problems with that, so she always gets daddy time. We take them to appointments with us if allowed. We asked if she wanted a brother or sister. Of course she wanted a sister so she could play dress up and we let her joke around with names (Elsa, all the cartoon names. ADORABLE) Well...we got a 16w ultrasound and found out it was a boy. She was pissed. Screaming at the screen. I have decided this is going to be SO tough once he gets here, knowing she might feel left out sometimes. We've decided that she will get more daddy time. Hopefully she will grow to love him just as much as we do.

thepanicos · August 2015

This is a wonderful post and can probably help many people! I basically raised my nephew since he was born and have a special bond with him that I hope we will always have. My brother & sister in law passed suddenly when he was only 18 months old (he's 7 now) and his maternal grandma and I share joint custody. I get him most of the time, she's 76 and has a hard time & we usually have a wonderful relationship. But when my husband and I found out we were pregnant I was so scared that he would feel less loved. One day he came over and said "meme (what he calls me) nanny told me that when you have the baby you won't want me any more." I saw blood. Blood I tell you. I explained to him that he's my number one and he's always going to be my baby. My husband and I talk to him all the time to make sure he knows how much he's going to be involved. He picked out her paint color for the nursery, my hubs tells him "you're going to have to help meme all the time now, you're going to be like a big brother!" And he's starting to love it. I think if you make sure they are involved in every way it will be ok: I'm new at this too so I can't be much help, but that's my side and hopefully I'll learn something from you!

Suiiening · September 2015

I worry about the same thing when my daughter is born, I don't want my kids to feel left out as well. I had my two older daughters from a previous relationship and now I am having a baby with my husband and I am afraid they will feel bad about it. What can I do?

stephanienjer · September 2015

I am a stepmom to three boys--6, 8, and 10. I've been around for most of their lives, so there's not a problem with them not feeling like they're my kids. We've made it a point to always say that they're my kids, too.

They were so thrilled to have a baby sibling. We were really surprised that the youngest was all for it, because he really does enjoy being the baby, and he is the most bonded to me. We worried about him being jealous, but I think big brothers' excitement took hold. When we found out the baby was a girl, all hell broke loose. I think we all agree there are enough boys in the house, and they are so thrilled. We've tried to involve them in every way. They get copies of ultrasound pictures, and we bought books just for them. (They're too old for the basic picture books, but we did get them a baby naming book, etc.) They were very active in choosing a name for their sister, and they not only helped me buy the travel system we needed (we found it on clearance, so I couldn't wait for hubby,) and they helped me load it into the trunk and strap down the trunk on top of it, since it didn't fit. They got to help putting the crib together, and they've made onesies for Baby B, as well. I have the Ovia app on my phone, and they love seeing each week what size she is, and they have a hand comparison (baby's hand at birth, with the size of her hand now inside that outline.) They always ask to see the hand. I've been feeling baby for several weeks, but they are all kind of weirded out about touching my stomach. I did have our youngest sit and talk to her through my belly for about 30 minutes one day.

Finally, check your hospital, and see if they have a sibling class. Our kids went to a free, one-hour session offered by the hospital. They got a tour of the birthing wing, got to play with the buttons on a hospital bed, learned (theoretically) how to swaddle and change a diaper, and learned some great safety tips. (Really good--always ask to hold the baby, pick up toys, don't put things in the crib, etc.)

Leah6120 · September 2015

Can I just say @stephanienjer that you might be the best stepmom ever. Those are all such amazing and thoughtful ideas! No wonder they all love you so much. Those are great for anyone expecting who already has kiddos.

l4rk · September 2015

My SS is 11. When I tried to feel him out, he wasn't really into the idea. When we told him I was pregnant (a few weeks later), he was entirely fine. He has definitely warmed up to the idea, wants to come to an ultrasound and helps me with all sorts of stuff like decorating the nursery and picking up packages. Even when I'm cranky or lecturing him, it doesn't stick long term. I think most kids just genuinely want to be loved and they aren't going to think otherwise unless you do something truly terrible to them.

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