Husband is extremely scared...

sjra1028 · June 2015

As some of you know, I'm on bedrest with pre-eclampsia. My OB wants to deliver our daughter early and specifics will be discussed Monday when my OB thinks I'm at a safer stage(32 weeks.) My kidneys and liver are still functioning well, so he wants to hold off. They've explained I'm at high risk for a stroke and that's the only reason they'd deliver early bc our lil girl is still very healthy. My husband has now kind of shut down. I've tried reassuring him that everything will be fine. He says he doesn't trust my doctor now... It's some sort of way to get more money from my insurance. Really ridiculous, but I understand why he's freaking out. He lost a child with his ex who was born at ga 22 weeks. She was on drugs and drank daily, so COMPLETELY different circumstances! This week has brought up all of those memories for him. He won't talk about our baby, won't look at me, & won't talk to me.
I'm scared half to death too, but I'm having to hold it in bc now I have no one to talk to about it!!!

What can I say or do at this point to help my husband? I need him to help me too, but he's gone quiet and has shut everything out. He can't go to my appt with me on Monday bc of work, so I know that's a contributing factor bc he can't talk to my dr himself.

emmiemae08 · June 2015

So sorry, no advice. Just wanted to send thoughts and prayers your way.

jesselayne8 · June 2015

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. Maybe give him some space for day and then try and talk to him? Tell him how much you need him. Huge (((hugs)))

abmommy15 · June 2015

Do you have a family doctor that your DH trusts? Maybe booking an appointment with him to just offer additional reassurance and explanation might help. Obviously your family doctor won't be as knowledgable in pregnancy related conditions but might help to put your husbands mind at ease that your OB is taking the correct steps.

kedbach · June 2015

I don't have much advice other than to ask for your husband's support and positivity, as you need it as much as he does. Your baby needs you as well!

emmacake08 · June 2015

I agree that maybe some space for him to process and deal is what he needs. Does he have anyone that's close to him besides you? Is he close to his dad or someone like that that you could tell them how he's reacting and see if they can talk to him to help him through? T&P for you all, I can only imagine how hard and stressful this would be.

abim717 · June 2015

I agree with pp. If it were my husband I would have his sister talk to him since they are super close. Maybe he needs someone else to confide his fears in so he doesn't stress you out. T & P!

jenandbrett · June 2015

I'm sorry. I know this is incredibly hard on both of you. I think what he is going through is probably very terrifying. This pregnancy has been pretty smooth sailing for me, but every minor bump sends me back into the feelings I felt when we lost our son. It's a very hard road to walk.

my thoughts are just to let him know that what he's feeling is normal and you're so grateful that he loves you and the baby so much that this is affecting him so much. Since he says he doesn't trust the doctor, I would try to help him with that by sitting down with him and writing down every question he has. Then either research together to find the answer or take each question to your doctor. Be sure not to act as if any concern is a dumb one. If he's brave enough to voice it, write it down. You may only get a question or two, or a full page, but thank him for whatever he offers. Let him know you will bring back everything you hear from the doctor and the two of you will make the decision of how to proceed, together. If he thinks it would help, record the entire appointment on your phone. I would assume he's feeling very helpless and voiceless and needs to know he's being heard. There is no more helpless feeling than to watch your baby die. If there is anything totally unrelated you can thank him for, do that, too. Once he's more himself, you will find he's able to offer more support to you. If you pressure him for it, he's only going to feel like a failure and shut down more.

gmd88 · June 2015

Baby has such a great survival/success rate at this point with the outcome of being completely unaffected by being born young. Maybe just shoot him an email with some links to articles showing how good the numbers/statistics are, especially with a planned premature birth. I think that may help him and allow him to see how he has nothing to worry about and calm his nerves. Good luck mama

Miz_Liz · June 2015

I don't have any additional advice beyond what the ladies above offered with regards to his fears over YOUR health, but if his fears are surrounding your baby's health being born so early, perhaps show him some of the positive birth announcements on our board and on the July board for babies that were born at 32 weeks or even younger who are thriving? My cousin's baby was born at 23 weeks and she is now a happy and healthy 4 year old! I agree that losing a baby in the past probably is really not helping him mentally right now, but maybe showing him some of the positive outcomes will help him see that this time is different. Thinking of you and sending prayers your way!

thesportsgal · June 2015

Maybe he just needs some time to process the information. It's a lot but your doctors really are looking out for you and your babies.

One of ours (twins) was diagnosed with placenta insufficiency with risk of IUGR so every appointment is a "game" of deciding when he will do better outside vs. inside. It's incredibly stressful but I truly believe our doctors are doing the best for us and we have complete trust in their decision. My husband only realized all of this by going to our MFM consult - seriously, your husband HAS to find a way off of work for an hour on Monday for your appointment or reschedule. It really needs to be a discussion that is mandatory for both of you.

sjra1028 · June 2015

Thank you ladies!!!! He's really close to his dad, so I think I'll have him talk to him. I made some carseat toys today and he saw them and smiled. Felt like a promising moment!
I caught him googling statistics earlier on his phone, too. He said he wants to wait to week 34 or 35 if it's still safe for me bc he read she'll have a big growth spurt and barely any NICU time if all goes well.
It's just weighing on my mind. No way to avoid it.

And I'll definitely have him write down questions and concerns for my dr!

thesportsgal · June 2015

My husband jokes how he's going to take our 18 month old and go live in the basement after the twins get here

. I said wow, that's not very nice, why don't you want to be around the babies? And he said they're going to be small and probably in the hospital, etc and he just didn't want to talk about it. I asked if it would help to tour the NICU and he didn't want to do that either. So he is processing this all way different from me but that's just how he is.

So you're definitely not alone. I really, really suggest him getting to your appointment Monday. My husband was having a hard time getting to appointments too and my doctor said this one was "mandatory" - she was kind of joking but I told him that anyways

.

I will shut up about it now, best of luck!

breezymeema7 · June 2015

My H has had a really hard time connecting with our babies, especially in utero, since losing our son. Perhaps it's a way to protect his heart, I don't know. I do know that our society has put a lot of pressure on men to be the protectors and to be the "strong and silent" type. Stiff upper lip, you know. My H still carries the hurt of losing his firstborn son and I honestly don't think that hurt is ever going to heal. He wasn't able to save him and even though there was no way for anyone to save him, I think H still carries blame or failure. Long story short, I imagine your H is scared witless right now and the only way he knows how to cope is to disconnect. I would just acknowledge his fear/worry, let him know you feel the same way, and then allow him some room to sort this out for himself. I do, however, believe that he should go to the appt with you. First, to support you and second, to have a chance to ask all those big scary questions that are racing around his head.

ambercdc · June 2015

No real advice to offer but just want to say we're also in the week to week delivery decision situation here (32 weeks today) and it def makes me anxious. There are blood clots in the placenta blocking baby girl from getting what she needs so shes falling behind quickly with growth. I try to comfort myself with stories of preemies both much earlier who are perfectly healthy. Best wishes to you and your baby, hope we can all keep them in at least a few weeks longer!

sjra1028 · June 2015

@ambercdc and all the other mommies, thank you guys so much! Crying right now bc of all of the support from this board! Geez, I'm hormonal! I hate that others are going through the same thing, but at the same time, I'm glad there are others who can relate!
This little girl has been our miracle baby after so many losses. I hate thinking that the beginning of her life is going to be so hard. I know several moms on here have already delivered and I can only pray that I can be as strong as they have been with their babies!

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