Obsessed!

SharLovesAlex · June 2015

Does anyone else have grandparents obsessed with the baby? And I don't mean in a new grandparent, excited way. I mean in a strange, this-is-really-my-baby sort of way. If so, HOW DO YOU COPE? I know I've vented here a few times, but I'm finding it hard to keep cool. Anyone else dealing with this?

chelsco13 · June 2015

I am. My mother in law tells everybody it's her baby and people always congratulate her on the new baby and ask her about how the new baby is with me and my husband right there. We always correct her when she says it's her baby every time no matter who is around

gdamore11 · June 2015

My mother in law is doing this too. She calls him "my baby" or "my boys" when referring to my son and my husband! She actually had the nerve to send us a screen shot of some acquaintance on Facebook telling my MIL how much my son looks like her. It's getting really annoying and I feel like if I had to see her regularly (she lives out of state) it would probably lead to an outburst on my end. I'm hoping she is still just overly sensitive being the only grandparent that doesn't live close and me as well, still be a fresh first timer who is overly protective!!! Otherwise she is a great MIL....except for the twenty minute speech she gave at our wedding telling everyone how much my husband loves her

lauraj555 · June 2015

I have this with my sister. She's seven years older than me and not married. She's dying to be a mom. Always wants to be over, wants me to send texts/videos daily about how MY baby is doing. Since she's jealous I'm a mom now she's been super snotty to me. It's hard when family doesn't know boundaries...

SharLovesAlex · June 2015

chelsco13 said:
I am. My mother in law tells everybody it's her baby and people always congratulate her on the new baby and ask her about how the new baby is with me and my husband right there. We always correct her when she says it's her baby every time no matter who is around

Exactly my MIL. It's her baby, and she threw us a meet and greet and oh, guess who she invited? All of HER friends. I had ONE friend there. It was crazy. She doesn't seem to know her boundaries. If I'm feeding or holding or playing or even changing his diaper, she has to be right there touching him, stroking his leg or head or cheek. Hubby and I commented that he was getting chubby and she freaked! Said he "isn't chubby, he's perfect." Me, hubby, and FIL were all telling her we wanted him to be a little chubby, but she just kept saying no, he's perfect. It's insane to me! I love him, but I think this level of obsession is unhealthy. Coming into the room as soon as I wake up to rub his face and try to take him from me...I told her no, because every morning when hubby is at work, I put LO in bed with me and when we wake up, I talk to him and play with him. It's our special morning time and I like it. She will even take him right out of my arms. She's out of control!!

SharLovesAlex · June 2015

@chelsco13 @gdamore11 @lauraj555 How do you deal with this?? I'm trying not to snap all the time.

KD32412 · June 2015

Ugh. You guys deserve medals for putting up with such craziness. I have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior.

SharLovesAlex · June 2015

KD32412 said:
Ugh. You guys deserve medals for putting up with such craziness. I have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior.

I'm really starting to lose it! I'm getting to the point that I don't even want to be around her. She's in this insane competition to be the bigger better grandma...everything my mom does, she has to do better and bigger and more expensive. We showed her this playmat my mom wanted to get LO because we all thought it was so cool...well, yesterday, she went and bought it for us. Husband told her my mom was going to buy that and her response was, "Oh, well I already got it." I am so upset and disgusted by her behavior. If you want to smother your own kids (now adult kids) that's between you and them. Please don't start smothering my baby!

gdamore11 · June 2015

SharLovesAlex said:

chelsco13 said:
I am. My mother in law tells everybody it's her baby and people always congratulate her on the new baby and ask her about how the new baby is with me and my husband right there. We always correct her when she says it's her baby every time no matter who is around
Exactly my MIL. It's her baby, and she threw us a meet and greet and oh, guess who she invited? All of HER friends. I had ONE friend there. It was crazy. She doesn't seem to know her boundaries. If I'm feeding or holding or playing or even changing his diaper, she has to be right there touching him, stroking his leg or head or cheek. Hubby and I commented that he was getting chubby and she freaked! Said he "isn't chubby, he's perfect." Me, hubby, and FIL were all telling her we wanted him to be a little chubby, but she just kept saying no, he's perfect. It's insane to me! I love him, but I think this level of obsession is unhealthy. Coming into the room as soon as I wake up to rub his face and try to take him from me...I told her no, because every morning when hubby is at work, I put LO in bed with me and when we wake up, I talk to him and play with him. It's our special morning time and I like it. She will even take him right out of my arms. She's out of control!!

Omg it is definitely crossing a line when they interfere with your special times. We live in a loft, so the bedrooms don't have doors. When she was visiting, she heard that my husband and I were up one morning talking and cooing with our son, and she invited herself into our room and eventually took him from me while I was still in bed with him!!! We were both still in our underwear....I was so annoyed it put me in a bad mood the rest of the day. To make matters worse, it was my first full day away from my son while I went to work and my husband and MIL got to stay with him. Even my husband was annoyed by her actions that time. We made an agreement early on that he would handle his mom, and I would handle mine. Our moms definitely act like competitors now and make it so awkward to ever mention anything the other grandma gets to do. Again, I only made it through this because she was only here for four days, but now she says she's coming to visit every 8 weeks, so I'm praying she chills out so I don't have to put her in her place. My MIL is such a loving person, but she is always so over the top that I can't help but to question her sincerity at times. It's like she can never just have a quiet and honest moment with my son and just appreciate who he is without comparing him to one of her babies and acting like his personality traits are directly linked to something she did. UGH!!!!

lauraj555 · June 2015

I'm hoping it'll get better with time but right now not sure how to address it. It's hard...I've been holding back snapping...my mental health is important so I've just told my sister when she can come over and for how long. That's where I've started.

SharLovesAlex · June 2015

@gdamore11 Yes, mine does the same thing. It's so irritating. When she came to stay with us a couple of days, when she heard us waking up, she just came into our bedroom. We were both in our underwear playing in bed with the baby, and she comes over and starts rubbing the baby. It drives me crazy because when we stayed over at my mom's, when my mom saw that we were all awake and up, that's when she comes over to say hi to the baby. His mom practically gets into bed with us. But she's strange. She calls him every day a few times a day. If he doesn't answer, she texts him. If he doesn't text back, she calls again. She even tried to feed him the other day! It was so weird. She just loves to be in control and be the best, I'm not even sure she wants what's best for the baby or if she just wants it her way. I'm finding it hard to keep cool and not show my distaste for her behavior. I've left talking to her up to my husband, but he always seems to get the guilt trip from her and he lets it slide. I have a feeling this is going to cause problems in our relationship if she doesn't stop. I'm starting to get fed up with her disrespect and her constant boundary crossing. Lucky for you, your MIL doesn't live an hour away like mine does.

@lauraj555 Good for you telling her when she can come and how long she can stay. My husband and I just agreed last night that once a month visit is good enough, twice if it's at the beginning and the end of the month so we space it out. It's too bad your sister isn't content and happy just being an aunt for now. She shouldn't be jealous, being an aunt is great, before I became a mom I was an aunt and it's fun. You get to spend time without any of the mommy responsibility, and test it out sort of. It isn't fair of her to be snotty towards you now that you're a mom and she isn't.

Lorabean · June 2015

I think having a boy has made me especially sensitive to my MIL. I feel for her in that being a mom to boys limits you in some ways. My mom was a part of all of my wedding plans, and in the delivery room with me when my son was born. Mothers of sons just don't get to do those things, At least not usually. So i just try to picture myself when my son is older and offer my MIL what I would want. I let her come see him whenever she wants, and she was over the moon excited that she got to watch him over night. She definitely irritates me at times with unsolicited advice but I know she loves my baby so much and that it comes from a good place. Good luck to all of you who are struggling with their Inlaws or other family members. I hope you can find some resolution!

KD32412 · June 2015

@SharLovesAlex Best to put your foot down now. If you give her an inch, she'll take a mile. Let her know that, unlike your husband, you won't fall for her guilt trips. If she ever complains, you should tell her a "story" about this "friend" of yours who had a MIL from hell, eventually the MIL caused a rift between them and they got a divorce, and the wife got custody of the kids so the MIL NEVER EVER SEES HER GRANDKIDS, EVER!!! Maybe that'll get her to back off!

SharLovesAlex · June 2015

KD32412 said:
@SharLovesAlex Best to put your foot down now. If you give her an inch, she'll take a mile. Let her know that, unlike your husband, you won't fall for her guilt trips. If she ever complains, you should tell her a "story" about this "friend" of yours who had a MIL from hell, eventually the MIL caused a rift between them and they got a divorce, and the wife got custody of the kids so the MIL NEVER EVER SEES HER GRANDKIDS, EVER!!! Maybe that'll get her to back off!

Hahaha! It's so funny you say that...I mentioned (in front of her) that my best friend's MIL is nuts. Nice lady, but totally nuts. I mentioned how she's too overbearing and obsessive. I'm not sure she heard. But yes, I am really trying to be firm because she always guilts him and he lets it slide. They wanted to come over and go to lunch this weekend and I said I didn't want to. I told him we just saw them last weekend OVERNIGHT and we'll see them next weekend for the baby's Hebrew naming...I need a break! I don't want to be spending every weekend with my in-laws! I don't know how he's gonna tell her (because of course he already agreed), but if she insists I'll stay home with the baby. I'm so over her wanting to be around all the time! Even my own mother gives me space.

klcarr19 · June 2015

If I wrote about my MIL, the text box would explode. I finally just told her I am mommy and when I says it's time to do something, it's time. You prevent me, I put baby in the car and we leave (even if I'm home I will drive 45 minutes to my parents). She called my bluff and I pulled my baby from her arms and told her if she can't accept that I'm her mother then she needs to stop being at my home. She has since walked on eggshells. I hated being that way but having to wrestle the baby I birthed from her arms because she was screaming... I wasn't a fan and she doesn't get to have that control. If she takes baby from you again @SharLovesAlex I would gingerly take him back and emphasize that you are mommy and you make the calls. Husband can deal with the aftermath

erwallace089 · June 2015

On numerous occasions my mother will be baby talking to my son... Saying things like "come to mama" "mama loves you".........

SharLovesAlex · June 2015

klcarr19 said:
If I wrote about my MIL, the text box would explode. I finally just told her I am mommy and when I says it's time to do something, it's time. You prevent me, I put baby in the car and we leave (even if I'm home I will drive 45 minutes to my parents). She called my bluff and I pulled my baby from her arms and told her if she can't accept that I'm her mother then she needs to stop being at my home. She has since walked on eggshells. I hated being that way but having to wrestle the baby I birthed from her arms because she was screaming... I wasn't a fan and she doesn't get to have that control. If she takes baby from you again @SharLovesAlex I would gingerly take him back and emphasize that you are mommy and you make the calls. Husband can deal with the aftermath

Yes, that's exactly what I feel like doing! Honestly. I want to just take him back and tell her that if she keeps doing that, I won't bring him over or let her come over. I'm so tired of dealing with this. I'm ready to just go mama bear on her and let my husband deal with the consequences because I keep telling him to talk to her, but she always finds a way to be the victim and make him feel guilty. Thank you! You've given me inspiration to stand up to her if no one else will.

SharLovesAlex · June 2015

erwallace089 said:
On numerous occasions my mother will be baby talking to my son... Saying things like "come to mama" "mama loves you".........

That would be so annoying!
X(

Christina80xoxo · June 2015

My aunt is driving me crazy! She constantly tells me what to do with her. Checks her for marks/scratches/her ears being clean etc. tries to tell me who should watch her. She calls me everyday to see if the baby is ok. She calls me every night to make sure I'm home and don't have the baby out too late. She's going way way overboard. Even tries to tell me not to nurse or pump breast milk for her cuz the baby will become too attached to me and not other people

KD32412 · June 2015

Christina80xoxo said:
My aunt is driving me crazy! She constantly tells me what to do with her. Checks her for marks/scratches/her ears being clean etc. tries to tell me who should watch her. She calls me everyday to see if the baby is ok. She calls me every night to make sure I'm home and don't have the baby out too late. She's going way way overboard. Even tries to tell me not to nurse or pump breast milk for her cuz the baby will become too attached to me and not other people

What?!?! Tell her "I'm her MOTHER, she's SUPPOSED to be attached to me!" The nerve of some people! SMH

Geniferr44 · June 2015

I'm thankful we are a good car ride away from MIL...it's always "my baby and my angel" I wouldn't necessarily mind but when my father in law told me I looked great 8 weeks post partum, my mother in law replied " yeah but don't worry I had trouble taking off my baby weight too" !!!

ashleyann023 · June 2015

I am having the same problem with my exes mom. She thinks my son is her child and is taking over on things that really wanted to do as a first time mom. I talked to my ex to have him talk to her and she went psycho and it ruined our relationship. So I don't know what to do about it. I also feel like she doesn't want my mom or other family around my son.

rread113 · June 2015

erwallace089 said:
On numerous occasions my mother will be baby talking to my son... Saying things like "come to mama" "mama loves you".........

This literally just gave me an Anxiety attack for you. Omg

KD32412 · June 2015

erwallace089 said:
On numerous occasions my mother will be baby talking to my son... Saying things like "come to mama" "mama loves you".........

Sounds like your mom has "grandma issues". She doesn't want to be called "grandma", right? @erwallace089

SharLovesAlex · July 2015

Geniferr44 said:
I'm thankful we are a good car ride away from MIL...it's always "my baby and my angel" I wouldn't necessarily mind but when my father in law told me I looked great 8 weeks post partum, my mother in law replied " yeah but don't worry I had trouble taking off my baby weight too" !!!

RUDE!! :-??

SharLovesAlex · July 2015

Still having the same issues...MIL loves him so much she smothers him. Strangely, he HATES it. He gets so upset, he struggles in her arms and cried and cries. She tries to walk him around and thinks she can calm him down, but when he doesn't and I take him, everyone else says "he just wanted his mom." And she'll say things like "maybe he's just tired" or "is he hungry?" "Does he need to be changed?" "Sleepy?" Because she hates that he wants me when she has him. But he really doesn't like being hovered around, doesn't like all the baby talk...or at least I think so. Because he certainly gets upset when she starts in on all that!

richdog · July 2015

My husband finally had to have a talk with my MIL. It was rough, but I'm hoping it helped. At least now, she seems to be somewhat listening to what we say instead of just totally ignoring it. Hang in there!

SharLovesAlex · July 2015

Thank you @richdog. We've reached that point ourselves. I told him I didn't want to see her til he talked to her. And I'm standing firm on that.

richdog · July 2015

How is it going? Have things gotten any better for you?

SharLovesAlex · July 2015

richdog said:
How is it going? Have things gotten any better for you?

No. She blamed me for the baby crying when she held him, said I hold him too much and don't take him around other people enough. Husband and I got into it big time about it. I told him I won't be around her til he talks to her. We're supposed to see them Saturday, so he has two days to set her straight. How about you? Things still getting better?

gdamore11 · July 2015

Well my MIL is back in town. I'm already so irritated and she just got in yesterday afternoon. My two rules with her were to not wear jewelry or perfume when she's with him. She can't even do those two things!!!! Now my sweet baby smells like a prostitute and I feel like I'm snuggling my MIL instead of him because that's all I can smell. She came in wearing an obscene amount of bangles with scratchy rhinestones on them and this huge medallion necklace. He kicks a lot and likes to bury his face in your chest when he's being held, and this stuff scratches him up!!!! Her excuse: "I don't wanna not look like I'm a jeweler!" (She does those pyramid scheme jewelry parties for a living). Lord help me have the strength to keep my cool until Sunday....

SharLovesAlex · July 2015

@gdamore11 Ugh, don't you hate when people don't do as you ask when it comes to your child? How long is she staying?

richdog · July 2015

I thought they were, but we've digressed. My MIL paid us a surprise visit one day while I was trying to get my LO down for a nap. I didn't hear her knock, and of course she didn't call or text before she just showed up. So, she left. The next day she sent me a txt about how she had tried to visit. Then, she called my husband and complained. Then, the next time we saw her, she was holding my LO and said, "I tried to come see you the other day but Mommy didn't come to the door." After I had told her that I didn't hear her because we were trying to nap. UGH! Oh, and she told my husband that we needed to drop LO off at her house even if it was just for us to eat because she knows that I need a break from taking care of my baby. She insists that she knows that I need to take a break. Actually, if she even bothered to ask me or listen to me, she would know that I am totally loving being a mommy, and I am enjoying every minute. I may need a break in the future, but for right now, what I really need is for people like her to just butt out and leave us alone! Everything that my husband told her during their little talk when in one ear and out the other. And, to top it all off, my brother in law is now on our case for not letting my MIL see the baby as much as she wants. He said he "hates seeing the disappointment in her eyes." BLECH!

gdamore11 · July 2015

Wow why are MILs so frustrating?!? Thank goodness mine leaves tomorrow morning. She's definitely not as bad as yours @richdog @SharLovesAlex , but she does get under my skin. Yesterday she walks out into the living room with a pouty face and says "I'm really sad. This poor boy doesn't have any toys!" It took everything I had to keep from unleashing on her. Maybe it's because you are in town and staying in his room, so I put it away so it didn't look like a mess!!! To imply that we he left him without anything just really pissed me off. She could have just said "where are his toys?" And the whole thing would have come across differently. Oh, and fresh perfume on this morning! He'll be getting a bath the second she leaves :-<

SharLovesAlex · July 2015

@richdog OMG same here. She doesn't just pop over, but my husband told her when we saw her Saturday that she couldn't come over next weekend. And she asked why and he told her she didn't need to be over every weekend! To which she replied "Well, I want to see the baby." She complained that they were going out of town the following weekend and wouldn't be able to see him, and my husband (thankfully) told her she'd have to see him the weekend after that then! She complained that it was too long, and he suggested video chat. So what does she do? Call me on video chat Monday afternoon. YOU JUST SAW HIM. HE HAS NOT CHANGED OR MASTERED ANY NEW SKILLS. I didnt answer as I was truing to put LO down for a nap, but she called my husband (he missed her call) undoubtedly to ask why I didn't answer. She thinks she needs to see him every day. @gdamore11 Thank goodness yours is going back home soon, right? I'm not sure how much longer I can handle her. Her obsession with her son is one thing. But I can't have her obsessed with my son, too.

richdog · July 2015

@SharLovesAlex hang in there! We have more important things to do than answer the phone and schedule visits all the time. I'd much rather take care of my child who needs me than make sure an over eager MIL gets to see MY child every day. It's like they've totally forgotten what it's like to have a baby. I used to try to stop by my in-laws' house when we were going to the store just so they could see her, but my MIL would always complain that my LO was asleep or in her carseat. It wasn't good enough that I was taking time out of my day so they could at least see her. It's never a good enough visit if my LO isn't awake, alert, gets to be held by them, and lasts more than 15 minutes. So....I've given up. I'm not going to be mad all the time. I don't want my baby to get a bad attitude because of this. If I don't answer the phone or come to the door, I have a good reason. If someone complains, so be it. They can just get over it. My baby and my husband are my priorities, not pleasing everyone else.

SharLovesAlex · August 2015

Thank you, @richdog. I'm starting to learn that myself. That it's not my job to make sure she's happy. It's my job to make sure my baby is well fed, happy, and healthy. I recently posted an article with research from Ainsworth and Bowlby about attachment styles in infants, saying that my baby is securely attached. I mostly wanted her to understand that his behavior is normal and I'm not doing anything to make him not want to be with anyone but me, he just wants it that way! I'm learning to stand up for myself even if she needs to be told a few times.

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