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October 2015 Moms
justyh
member
Vent/need advice
justyh
member
sorry in advance for how long this post may turn out and thank you to anyone that reads the whole thing.
A little background: I was raised by my grandmother until I was about 14 due to both of my parents being on drugs and never attempting to gain custody of their children. They became clean when I was 14 and I decided to move in with them. It was a horrible experience and I moved out at 16, I am now 21. It's been a huge struggle for me. I've had a full time job since I was 14, and although it's been hard I've always managed to survive. I suffered a loss last year at 20 weeks and moved back in with my parents (1bedroom apt) because I am now high-risk and on bed rest.
So me and my boyfriend (22 y/o) are constantly arguing because I feel like a terrible mother, 1. I feel terrible that my body can't carry a "normal pregnancy" (due to incompetent cervix) 2. Being on disability only leaves me with $100 to save after paying my bills. We planned on getting an apartment and preparing for baby but now on his income I doubt it is possible (he brings in about 1500/month). He joined the cement Union almost a year ago but has not gotten a job within the union yet. I'm constantly asking him what his plan and goals are before the baby comes, sure enough turns into an argument. It's always a "bad time" to bring it up. He feels he shouldn't have to tell me his plan (which honestly I believe is an excuse for not having one!). He tells me hopefully it will all fall in place. How am I supposed to "hope" things fall into place! And what if they don't, what then ?!!!
I don't feel I'm being unreasonable at all. I would like to know what our plan is and to have one together. I know I can't contribute much being on bed rest but I would still like to be included, maybe figure out how I can help! Idk what to do to get through to him that time is ticking. I'm ready to get a plan of my own and not include him in it (which is not what I want to do at all), maybe get into a shelter/assisted living for single moms and live on welfare until baby is old enough for day care, ( unfortunately don't have anyone to watch her).
A little background: I was raised by my grandmother until I was about 14 due to both of my parents being on drugs and never attempting to gain custody of their children. They became clean when I was 14 and I decided to move in with them. It was a horrible experience and I moved out at 16, I am now 21. It's been a huge struggle for me. I've had a full time job since I was 14, and although it's been hard I've always managed to survive. I suffered a loss last year at 20 weeks and moved back in with my parents (1bedroom apt) because I am now high-risk and on bed rest.
So me and my boyfriend (22 y/o) are constantly arguing because I feel like a terrible mother, 1. I feel terrible that my body can't carry a "normal pregnancy" (due to incompetent cervix) 2. Being on disability only leaves me with $100 to save after paying my bills. We planned on getting an apartment and preparing for baby but now on his income I doubt it is possible (he brings in about 1500/month). He joined the cement Union almost a year ago but has not gotten a job within the union yet. I'm constantly asking him what his plan and goals are before the baby comes, sure enough turns into an argument. It's always a "bad time" to bring it up. He feels he shouldn't have to tell me his plan (which honestly I believe is an excuse for not having one!). He tells me hopefully it will all fall in place. How am I supposed to "hope" things fall into place! And what if they don't, what then ?!!!
I don't feel I'm being unreasonable at all. I would like to know what our plan is and to have one together. I know I can't contribute much being on bed rest but I would still like to be included, maybe figure out how I can help! Idk what to do to get through to him that time is ticking. I'm ready to get a plan of my own and not include him in it (which is not what I want to do at all), maybe get into a shelter/assisted living for single moms and live on welfare until baby is old enough for day care, ( unfortunately don't have anyone to watch her).
Re: Vent/need advice
Although my family situation was far different, by situation with my son's father was very similar. I was 18, he was 20. He had no clear direction and no want to make his life better. I kept urging him to come up with a plan and was always met with the same responses.
When I finally got tired of waiting, i formulated my own plan to go back to school and start there. Although the initial plan included him, he quickly fell out of it. It's now 10 years later, I have a house and a wonderful job. I have a fantastic husband, an amazing 10 year old who has not seen his bio dad in 9 years and I'm working on my second masters degree.
My point is not to brag, but to tell you that maybe it's best to come up with your own plan. He will either follow suit or fall behind very quickly. I guarantee that you won't regret it - I certainly don't!
Good luck mama!
You have some solid advice here @justyh! You can definitely do this... you just need to want it!
I suggest sitting down and figuring out what you want out of life. Set yourself goals, decide where you want to be in 5 years, 10 years, what you want out of a career, etc. That's the best way to start. Once you figure out where you want to go, it's a lot easier to figure out how to get there.
Just think, you can't find directions if you don't know what your destination is!
Maybe your boyfriend really doesn't have a plan and doesn't know where to start so is avoiding the issue. At this point if you are repeatedly asking( which you have every right to do) he might be feeling a little attacked. He might be overwhelmed and not really know where to start when it comes to making a plan.
If you really want him to be a part of your plan, you really need to be able to sit down and talk about some goals and plans without arguing. Maybe a good way to start would be to tell him that if he doesn't already have a plan, you can sit down and make one together. It would be good to lay out your needs and have him express what is important to him in the greater plan. Writing things down in situations like these can be really helpful at keeping you on point and out of an argument.
If sitting down and having an adult conversation doesn't work, then you need to make the plan that is best for you and your baby using whatever resources are available to you. There are housing programs that can help you with rent and deposit and also subsidized day cares.