Getting hubby prepared for L&D and post-delivery

Sballerina · June 2015

As a FTM and I person who likes to learn - and feels more comfortable when I have knowledge - I naturally have done a lot of reading on here and from other sources about labor, delivery and recovery. Hubby has noticed and commented on my prolific (to him) self-educating (I feel I have perhaps accumulated half if what I want to know!). The more I read, the more I realize the knowledge gap between us is rapidly widening. Here and there I realize he may need bullet points from everything I've learned in order to support me well in my goals of natural birth and breastfeeding.

DH is laid-back and I think still thinks birth is a distant future event. But I think despite his current nonchalance, he would regret going through everything without knowing HOW to help me and what is happening (or hey, what all those terms even mean!)

So STMs, do you think he will be ok with info given during doctor visits in the next months, as well as a hospital class on labor, delivery, and newborn care (total 12 hours)? Or do you recommend supplemental info, and in what form? He prefers doing rather than reading, and concise info rather than reams of data, haha. And when should I start his coach/daddy education?

arwestover3 · June 2015

That's all my husband did and we survived. I think we're similar in that I was reading everything I could get my hands on and he wasn't quite as self-motivated. Haha. If they don't show birth videos in your class, find some to show him. The Business of Being Born are movies on Netflix and they're awesome!

knottymomma · June 2015

Birthing class is a great place to start. I would research them and find one that he can be hands on in. I went to a class that fit our schedule with our first and it was new. All it was was filling out a questionnaire and watching a couple birth on video. THAT WAS IT! Totally worthless. Maybe try asking him what he expects the birthing process to be like and what he would want to happen for your birth plan. Tell him when you are having contractions, even the Braxton hicks bc those will show you how he will react. Plus he might instinctively try to soothe you, which is good. That's the best advice I can give.

As far as 'practicing' with a baby, see if you two can babysit for a friend/ family member. Or he can always try to volunteer at a hospital rocking babies.

tbasinski · June 2015

I think it's normal for most women to want to prepare ourselves and learn from others when having a baby. After all, we are the ones that will be undergoing this experience and typically are the primary caregivers at first. Thus the men seem to take more of a back seat, and they assume that we will guide them (which we do). It's frustrating when they don't want to seek out the information, but that's just how they are (usually). I'm about to have my 3rd but this will be my husband's first. Even now I am constantly reading about stuff (it's been 10 years and boy have some things changed, not just my memory lol) and my husband just listens and occasionally asks me questions. I wish he would seek out the info himself, but that's not him. So I just talk to him about whatever I've learned as we go along. I've had a few "ok so this is important- when we come home w the baby this is how I will feel" etc. it's harder as a FTM though since you are going off the experience of others. I would suggest having some chars about what you want/need- epidural/natural, bottle/breast. And he needs to know that he should support you, but if you change your mind then he needs to support that too. Also prep him for the not so nice things- post partum bleeding and no sex for 6 wks etc. I did send my husband a link to an article that was written for guys called something like 101 things to expect when she's expecting or something. Maybe he won't look for the info, but he may be happy to read and discuss whatever you offer to him.
Lastly (sorry such a long post) no matter how much you prepare there is truly no way you can prepare for what's going to come. It's going to be more amazing, more emotional, more scary, more joy filled, more incredible than you can imagine or even comprehend at this point. So maybe by not prepare in your husband will be able to balance out your preparing, if that makes sense. Good luck!!

Sballerina · June 2015

@arwestover3, I will try to keep that title in mind! @knottymomma, yes, he is often good at soothing me. It probably would help to give him more specific ideas about what I may want (back rub, running hand through my hair, holding a cold wet towel on my head, etc.) to add to the instinct. The class description sounds like it is more interactive than yours. As for baby practice, we have that with friends' babies at church.

@tbasinski, I think you described well the male-female difference in prep and why. I tell myself it's ok our approaches are different. Our personalities in this case just intensify the gender gap, if you will.

I really think his nonchalance is related to the fact birth is still about 4 months away. He is NOT a planner naturally!sybe he will be more inquisitive when it gets closer. Because it seems distant to him, I think I have not tried very hard to share much with him yet, because I think he may say it is as too early to think about those things. He's probably nervous, too. Should I break through tbought that he may not see the info as relevant and start talking about L&D? I'm 21 weeks and 4 days. We do have time. The class I want to take will be in July. I just figure I need to communicate anything important to him by 36 weeks, both for peace of mind if I carry to term and just in case if baby comes early!

knottymomma · June 2015

Just remind him that what you might find soothing might become irritating during labor. That you don't mean anything to come out mean or nasty while in pain. Tell him how you appreciate the attempt but he might need to get creative.

I totally bit DH's head off for rubbing my foot to calm me down. Once the contravtioñ was over I was fine. Maybe come up with a code word to let him know if you are at a higher risk of being annoyed and want to be left alone.

caffeinatedkat · June 2015

I feel bad my husband and I went to go have the baby and end up having to be a C-section and then when he went in there there was no curtain up I was just wide open on the table blood everywhere. The baby was so big even though it was a C-section they still had to use the vacuum to get him out ! I thought my husband was going to pass out but he did it !! My son was 2 pounds bigger than my daughter lol

silly514 · June 2015

Like pp I feel this is very typical. I recently went through my library of books I read with dd1 and it was totally ridiculous. My husband just did the class with me but as the due date got closer he did ask me to pull out my notes and make him a bulleted notecard. I did but honestly once we were in there I don't think he used it. It's all pretty intense and in the moment, at least if you are trying to go natural... He was pretty traumatized by it but I don't think any more preparation could have avoided that. I had no idea what I would be like when in active labor and I wasn't prepared at all either. Once it's all said and done, you have a baby and will be okay either way

christina4436 · June 2015

Ugh my hubby has one book for husbands but I don't think it has labor details. We have one class of what to expect when baby comes through my work but that was all I was planning to do (already had breastfeeding)! We also did the hospital tour where I asked ton of questions and we may do a practice run soon since it's a big complex! I don't like classes nor feeling like doing it on my days off. Is that bad? I mean no one had classes back in the day? I feel like this forum has been helpful and I share what I need to with hubby. I'm just relying on instincts! Any thoughts from STM's on regrets not doing a lot of classes or hubby prep?

MirandaC1984 · June 2015

I bought my husband "Dude, You're going to be a Dad" and he hasn't as much as opened the cover. Like your husband, he just feels like there so much time before he needs to be concerned with it. It's different for men. I did just sign us up for a breastfeeding class that is four hours and a birth and beginnings class that is 9.5 hours total. It covers labor/deliver and newborn care as well as a hospital tour. I'll be 33 and 34 weeks respectively when we take the classes. I think this will be enough for us. Of course I'm watching and reading everything I can but I'm satisfied with him just attending the classes with me.

komorebi · June 2015

Make them watch a birth video and go from there. My guy watched the business of being born and went to most of our appts. He was helpful but mostly didn't do much. My fear was him having too much nervous energy but i didn't even notice him with either births.