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September 2015 Moms
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Father wants to take maternity leave?!

DueSept5thDueSept5th member
in September 2015 Moms
My fiance wants to share the maternity leave...he has just found out he is entitled to full pay for 1st 6 months of he takes maternity. So he wants me to just have 12 weeks off and then go back to work. I really don't want to do this and is making me so upset just thinking about it but don't want to appear selfish. Help please??!!
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Re: Father wants to take maternity leave?!

  • jizzypuffjizzypuff member
    That sounds a little unfair; do you not get as much maternity leave as him? Also if you are breastfeeding it would probably be a lot smarter for you to be at home. What I would do is just sit him down and have a very level headed talk and tell him how you feel. That you want to spend just as much time with your baby. There is also def a lot of pros and cons to weigh to like who is the bread winner of the family. The breadwinner should definitely go back to work first because you guys will have more money in your pocket :) just random things sorry if I'm not helpful
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  • mrscate88mrscate88 member
    edited June 2015
    I'm confused about this, is he entitled to six months of fully paid paternity leave and you're only entitled to 12 weeks through your job?

    I think this depends on the facts that haven't been explained here...if you have to choose between you having six months off and the father having six months off, then I personally think you should have that time off, especially if you're breastfeeding (just to make it easier on you and baby). If you can't get that much time off and only he can, then I agree that letting him stay home and saving on day care is the best way to go!

    I know many moms who returned to work after 12 weeks maternity leave and still breastfed successfully, it can be done. But if financially you guys can swing it for you to stay home for a longer period of time, that is what I would try for. Your hubby deserves some quality time with baby too, but a balance that works for both of you needs to be found.

    Edit to clarify
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  • kjjellybeankjjellybean member
    I see no problem with it. I think it's great if he gets 6 months paid leave. Rather than paying for childcare he can stay home. My husband works 3 12's then 4 days off the next week is 4 on 3 off. He will actually be home with baby more than me once I go back to work. Of course im jealous about it but I'd rather the kids be with him than to be in daycare.
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  • CEB37CEB37 member
    Nehouston said:

    This could be complete pregnancy brain on my part so forgive me if I'm missing something, but why is this a bad thing?

    This. I'm confused. Most people only get 12 weeks under FMLA, if I'm not mistaken? And then for him to get to be home for the next 6 months, it sounds like a good thing, no?
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  • nickc2cutenickc2cute member
    I'm confused as well. If you were going to stay home longer and now he can stay home and still get paid then why can't you both stay home?
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    My husband is choosing to use his 6 weeks when I'm home with me but 6 months sounds like an insane amount of time to be home for the man. But if I were you I would let him, it's not going to affect him financially and he clearly wants to be with the baby and it's not fair to say he can't
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  • ForeverEverAfterForeverEverAfter member
    If it doesn't affect your leave then I think it's great he wants to be involved. I make more money, so I went back to work at 10 months with #1. I wanted hubby to take 2 months pat leave to save money (in Canada you get a year leave with 55% pay and can split it, and more than half his income goes to childcare) but he didn't want to :(

    To be fair, he had never had to watch her for more than a couple hours. After a few months of putting her to bed on my night shifts and watching her when I worked weekends, he was comfortable with her and he wished he had taken the leave.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • jwebbbber45678jwebbbber45678 member
    Our plan is for me to take 12 weeks off and then when I return to work my husband will quit his day job and take over as stay at home caregiver. I wish he was getting paid for six months of that! Unfortunately he won't be making much money; I make more so I go back to work. I still intend to breastfeed, I'll just have to pump at work. Consider your situation to be fortunate, six months of full pay and a dad who gets to raise his baby! Sounds great!
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  • wannabeamongoosewannabeamongoose member
    We are in a similar situation. While I'm guaranteed 3 months of unpaid leave, he gets up to 6 months of paid leave during the first year (his company is amazeballs and this policy is the same for moms as it is for dads). It feels totally unfair because I would love to stay home with baby longer. And I know I will be super jealous when I have to go back to work full time while he gets more time with baby. That being said, I'm not going to deny him the opportunity just because the time is not available to me. His employer has a really great policy and I want him to take full advantage of it. And since it's paid, it's not like we are going to be loosing out on anything in terms of income. I think it's fantastic that your family has this same kind of opportunity.

    The way we are doing it is actually he is going to take 4 weeks off in the beginning and then moving forward he will take one day off each week plus take time off as needed the rest of the year for baby illnesses, medical appointments, just to spend extra time, etc. He may or may not end up taking the full 6 months worth of time, but he'll get to do whatever makes him feel comfortable and fulfilled.
    **TW**
    Me & DH: 32
    Married 2013
    Kiddo #1: Sept 2015
    BFP: 1/19, EDD: 9/30

    "I'm having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it's mostly just grapes, actually. Ok all grapes. Fermented grapes. Fine, I'm having wine for dinner."
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  • CaboBride2015CaboBride2015 member
    chelseajeanene said:

    CEB37 said:

    chelseajeanene said:

    My husband is choosing to use his 6 weeks when I'm home with me but 6 months sounds like an insane amount of time to be home for the man. But if I were you I would let him, it's not going to affect him financially and he clearly wants to be with the baby and it's not fair to say he can't

    "For the man?" What exactly do you mean? @chelseajeanene
    That most woman aren't offered nearly that much amount of time and seems odd for the father to be offered that much time. Please don't turn that into something that it's not.
    Pretty sure it's the difference in their employers benefits, not their genders.

    I still don't get the OP's issue.
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  • adtaylor2015adtaylor2015 member
    I'm assuming there's something that we are missing and/or needs clarification because deciding if my husband should take 6 months off with full pay would be a no brainer for me.
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  • lsmom56lsmom56 member
    I'm not sure if this is how her husband's policy works, but to be gender neutral, many companies split leave into a certain number of weeks that you are being given for medical recovery and a certain number you are being given because you are the "primary caregiver." While only pregnant women can take the first part, men or people adopting can take the second part as long as they are the "primary caregiver." That means that to take it, his wife can't be the "primary caregiver," even if she works for a different company.

    Six months paid is really generous and I can understand why he would be tempted by that, but sounds like you guys will have to run the numbers, compare it to what you would make if you took leave, and then decide what is best for your family.

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  • CEB37CEB37 member
    chelseajeanene said:

    CEB37 said:

    chelseajeanene said:

    My husband is choosing to use his 6 weeks when I'm home with me but 6 months sounds like an insane amount of time to be home for the man. But if I were you I would let him, it's not going to affect him financially and he clearly wants to be with the baby and it's not fair to say he can't

    "For the man?" What exactly do you mean? @chelseajeanene
    That most woman aren't offered nearly that much amount of time and seems odd for the father to be offered that much time. Please don't turn that into something that it's not.
    I'm sure the woman that work for the OP's husband's company are allowed the same amount of time as the men.

    I still don't understand.
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    CEB37 said:

    chelseajeanene said:

    CEB37 said:

    chelseajeanene said:

    My husband is choosing to use his 6 weeks when I'm home with me but 6 months sounds like an insane amount of time to be home for the man. But if I were you I would let him, it's not going to affect him financially and he clearly wants to be with the baby and it's not fair to say he can't

    "For the man?" What exactly do you mean? @chelseajeanene
    That most woman aren't offered nearly that much amount of time and seems odd for the father to be offered that much time. Please don't turn that into something that it's not.
    I'm sure the woman that work for the OP's husband's company are allowed the same amount of time as the men.

    I still don't understand.
    Okay well I'm sorry that I've never heard of any gender being offered that amount of time. There's no reason to be giving me a hard time about it. It's clear I support the dad to be allowed to use him time, so there should be no problem here. I've just never known anyone to have that much time offered to them. If a mother was offered that much time off I would have been equally surprised.
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  • jmacd22jmacd22 member
    I wish my husband had 6 mos paid leave. Don't see how that could be a bad thing.
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  • squigles28squigles28 member
    It sounded as if somehow his leave affected how much leave you can take? If so, can you clarify this?

    I would say if your leave is what it is, not affected by his, then it would be good to let little one stay with dad especially during that initial transition.

    If you are needing to shorten your leave for his, then I would find a compromise of sorts.

    If it is a different issue, we really need clarification to offer ideas.
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  • CEB37CEB37 member
    edited June 2015
    chelseajeanene said:

    CEB37 said:

    chelseajeanene said:

    CEB37 said:

    chelseajeanene said:

    My husband is choosing to use his 6 weeks when I'm home with me but 6 months sounds like an insane amount of time to be home for the man. But if I were you I would let him, it's not going to affect him financially and he clearly wants to be with the baby and it's not fair to say he can't

    "For the man?" What exactly do you mean? @chelseajeanene
    That most woman aren't offered nearly that much amount of time and seems odd for the father to be offered that much time. Please don't turn that into something that it's not.
    I'm sure the woman that work for the OP's husband's company are allowed the same amount of time as the men.

    I still don't understand.
    Okay well I'm sorry that I've never heard of any gender being offered that amount of time. There's no reason to be giving me a hard time about it. It's clear I support the dad to be allowed to use him time, so there should be no problem here. I've just never known anyone to have that much time offered to them. If a mother was offered that much time off I would have been equally surprised.
    You specifically said "for the man." Have you never heard of a stay at home dad before either? It just seems like kind of a sexist comment to make. It wasn't like you said, wow, six months! You said an "insane amount of time for the man."
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  • conchispititaconchispitita member
    Nothing wrong with him taking it, especially if it's paid! That is an extra 3 months of not paying for childcare!
    I'm taking 12 weeks, afterwards my husband is taking 8 weeks. I wish one of us could get that much paid leave!
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  • LadyJane083LadyJane083 member
    DueSept5th said:

    My fiance wants to share the maternity leave...he has just found out he is entitled to full pay for 1st 6 months of he takes maternity. So he wants me to just have 12 weeks off and then go back to work. I really don't want to do this and is making me so upset just thinking about it but don't want to appear selfish. Help please??!!

    I think both parents should take the max provided by their employers (esp paid) - so what if it overlaps or dad gets more. Baby having more time with either parent is better before time with a secondary care giver.

    The state I live in has crappy laws for maternity leave. My husband is taking 6. I stay at home with kid # 1.
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    rholbrook7 said:

    @chelseajeanene don't mind her. A weed in the garden, if you know what I mean. I'm pretty sure the rest of us knew what you meant.

    I meant no harm in what I said so I really don't understand why she's attacking me.
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  • bracybabiesbracybabies member
    CEB37 said:

    chelseajeanene said:

    My husband is choosing to use his 6 weeks when I'm home with me but 6 months sounds like an insane amount of time to be home for the man. But if I were you I would let him, it's not going to affect him financially and he clearly wants to be with the baby and it's not fair to say he can't

    "For the man?" What exactly do you mean? @chelseajeanene
    I think she means paternal rights under fmla. Fathers usually aren't granted that much time in the event of a birth. It's usually the mom.
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  • nickc2cutenickc2cute member
    Fathers get the same amount of fmla as mothers do. It's 12 weeks across the board.
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  • cchaney8214cchaney8214 member
    My dh gets up to 6wks, unpaid. :-/
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  • nickc2cutenickc2cute member
    cchaney8214 said:

    My dh gets up to 6wks, unpaid. :-/

    If he's using Fmla then it's 12 for mother or father. It's leave for the bonding period. Adopted parents are entitled to the same amount of leave so it's not broken down into mother/father because in this case the mother has not given birth.
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  • buckeyemomma2bebuckeyemomma2be member
    @nickc2cute that is not true for most places of employment. Yes everyone is entitled to 12 weeks of fmla per year, but all that does is assure your job position if you need to call off. You are still responsible for using your PTO/ill/vacation time to pay for your missed days. My company, which is a state job offers 6 weeks of paid maternity leave and we can take an additional 6 weeks to equal 12 weeks of fmla, as long as we have the time accrued or short term disability. Fathers are granted 3 weeks of paternity leave and are not permitted to take any additional time off unless it falls under an approved fmla. Our adoption leave is listed completely separate. So again it is not the same for all companies. Everyone needs to look into their work policies. My SO has no specific leave for paternity, he can use his vacation time or his ill time if he so chooses.
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  • amykrellamykrell member
    Ladies and gents! What is happening here?! Is it really worth the argument!? Clearly every employer offers different things!
    Feel blessed that either of you or your spouse are getting time off with your little one.

    This is not worth arguing about let alone trolling the boards.

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  • Ivyblue92Ivyblue92 member
    Is the OP America based or UK based. Reason I ask this is because in the UK new laws/rules came into place April 2015 about maternity leave. The man can now share paid maternity with the woman.
    Most couples who are in paid work and bringing up a child together can share leave following the birth or adoption of their child.
    Parents can take leave in their child's first year at different times, or double up by taking leave at the same time.
    The rights apply to parents in work, including those who are adopting, same-sex couples, co-habiting couples, and couples bringing up a child together even if the baby is from a previous relationship.
    Fathers will still be entitled to two weeks of paid paternity leave. The new rules replace "additional paternity leave".
    Mums can take maternity leave under existing rules.
    Mothers must still take the initial two weeks after birth, but they can then cut their maternity leave short and exchange it for shared parental leave.
    Both parents will then have a flexible choice of how to split up the rest of the leave entitlement - of up to 50 weeks.

    For example, if a mother ends her maternity leave after the 12 weeks following the child's birth, that leaves 40 weeks of leave. She chooses to take 30 weeks and so her partner can take the other 10 weeks. Alternatively, the couple may choose to take 20 weeks of leave at the same time or at different times.
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  • Ivyblue92Ivyblue92 member
    Also I'd like to add that I don't see an issue with the father staying at home to look after baby when mum goes back to work. There are many benefits to it. 1 being no childcare cost. Also it's gives that all important father baby bond. I'm a SAHM but if I was working and my partner mentioned about me going to work after 12wks & he would stay home to look after baby, truthfully I'd be sad yes but I would also be very appreciative.
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  • louiser210591louiser210591 member
    I've heard about this shared maternity leave where parents have equal time off but I wouldn't agree to it. My partners only entitled to two weeks off paternity leave. I'm in the UK so might be different. My opinion is I spent 9/10 months with my baby growing inside me I'm not going to give up and go back to work after 3 months. Babys need their mums especially if your breast feeding x
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