Getting Over Being Judge. . . Vent + Advice Needed — The Bump
December 2015 Moms

Getting Over Being Judge. . . Vent + Advice Needed

Hey ladies so my story is . . . Im a college student Im 19 will be 20 in October baby is due 12/12. I understand I got pregnant at a young age but I am halfway to getting my degree in my eyes Ive done a lot better than people who got pregnant in high school (not knocking them though). I feel people look down on me like oh your a young mom you need to be married and need to have a degree already. Im so over people stating these things to me its like don't you think I know that. That doesn't mean just because I am pregnant (unplanned) I'm gonna just get rid of my baby just because of how hard it will be no thats not me. Me and my boyfriend are still together have been for a while now and we are both excited for the new arrival. Working on getting a place together everything is going good and coming together. I know tons of successful people who were young moms and single ones at that.

Bottom line . . .

 I just want to know how to get over the judgement and the feeling that everyone is just waiting for me to fall flat on my face? I know I may be getting too emotional about it because of the pregnancy I can't help it. 

Any moms that went through this or going through it how do y'all deal with it?

Re: Getting Over Being Judge. . . Vent + Advice Needed

  • I have been married for 6 years and people ask me if our baby was planned...it drives me insane. People are always going to judge and you just have to look forward to the future and tell those people to go suck an egg.
    QueenCarlissasuperpants[Deleted User]
  • I'm 20 and get the same thing. My super old fashioned grandma made me feel so much better when she said "No I'm not dissappointed, this is 2015 not 1915!"

    But to everyone else I straight up ignore them. It's exhausting getting judged. But the way I see it being married, being great parents, and having a degree are 3 totally separate factors. They used to go hand in hand, but these days they just dont.

    Hang in there!!

    Plus when you do get married your child will get to experience that special moment with you. That is AMAZING in my eyes.
    QueenCarlissaMagnolia+MamaKrs18beth6287
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  • Congrats mama! This is an exciting time! :)

    I'm 21, married, and 12 weeks. It doesn't matter if you are married or not, people are still very cruel. We get a lot of nasty comments from people, but who cares! As long as you and your SO are happy, that's all that matters. :)
  • No matter what you will be judged and i think it gets worse once the baby comes. So my advice is to ignore them or just tell them to mind their own and blame the hormones if it makes you feel better lol. But it sounds like you and bf arr doing a fab job so far so please just concentrate on that positive :)
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    QueenCarlissa
  • Thats how I feel @mamamagagail he wants marriage but I say lets wait a little more maybe a year then Ill be all up for it but I just feel Im so emotional because Im pregnant and even doctors tell you not to make any important decisions when your brain is altered chemically & pregnancy yeah those are a lot of hormones. Its not like it won't happen. People just want things done the their way and to them thats the only right way. Thanks :)
    mfarglio
  • Thanks! It makes me feel better that you have experienced the same thing and your actually married it just shows people will never be happy. @AudriannaMaria
    ammnam14
  • Congrats on the degree @vbrannin2010 I know its not easy kids or no kids. Like you I plan do whatever it takes to get my degree. <3
    vbrannin2010
  • I'm 30, married, have a successful career and was asked if it was planned. I swear some people hunt out how they can find someone to judge. These are shallow lame boring people that have nothing better to do and they aren't worth a second of your time. Whether it's planned or not, a baby is still a miracle and people need to realize that's all that matters.
    amw2133Krs18
  • LC122LC122 member
    My best friend from high school got pregnant and married shortly after high school. Her kids are now teenagers. For what it's worth, she loves being a "young mom" compared to all her kids' friends' parents.

    Not going to lie, it's been a lot of work for her, but it sounds like you aren't afraid of that.

    She can't imagine going through the sleepless nights and such at our age and I couldn't have done what she did at her age. But we all turned out fine. Different strokes for different folks.

    It really sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you'll be fine. Keep it up.
    QueenCarlissa
  • I have my degree, actually 2 and my parents are still judging me because at 27, almost 28, I got pregnant when SO and I weren't together long. I didn't think me having kids was medically possible (I blame the water in GA) but I've seen a lot of my friends do it go through and get degrees or go on different career paths (one of which makes more money than I do and I'm an accountant without a degree), it's all what you want to do and what you work for. I got pregnant at 15, decided to keep the baby, but when I had a missed miscarriage I swore on everything inside that I would make my daughter proud even if she was in heaven, I know I would have worked twice as hard if she was here, and I'm sure you'll be fine, and get your degree and have the life you wanted. Just think your in college, it's December due date between classes, built on maternity leave <3
    QueenCarlissaMizuiro007
  • Lol its fine to blame the water in GA I blame it too lol @susiaustin
  • No matter what you will be judged and i think it gets worse once the baby comes. So my advice is to ignore them or just tell them to mind their own and blame the hormones if it makes you feel better lol. But it sounds like you and bf arr doing a fab job so far so please just concentrate on that positive :)


    Yesss!!! People will always say judgey shit. My mom and grandma both had trouble conceiving (it took my mom 10 years, and my grandma long enough that she adopted before she got pregnant) so I went off birth control right after I got married (this past January) thinking it would just happen when it happened. And it happened to take about a month and a half. We were surprised but delighted but I keep getting creepy "you two didn't waste any time" and "that must have been one hell of a honey moon". It doesn't seem that offensive once I put it in writing ...but I'm hormonal and I'm annoyed.
    amw2133
  • Lol its fine to blame the water in GA I blame it too lol @susiaustin

    1 in a million shot of me becoming pregnant and staying that way, my ob swore my ovaries looked like I was on fertility medicine. I even got to the point I jokingly told my sister in law, don't drink the tap water, look what it does, and rubbed my belly. I've been down here since October, and got pregnant in February...
  • I was young and in love. I got pregnant with my oldest at 17. My grandmother insisted that my son was a bastard because I was unmarried. I asked her where Moses' marriage license was. She stopped there. 15 years later I am much wiser, and married another wonderful man. Now I am judged because I am 34 with a 7mo old and 14 weeks. They can suck it! I do what I want.
    image
    amw2133QueenCarlissaKnottie67744546
  • Thanks everyone for the support y'all have really made my days seriously Ive been going through a lot of things. Its sad how we have outside people beat us up over these things and even worse when family does it. But really thanks so much <3<3<3
  • Easier said than done but ignore it your doing amazing and age is nothing! I know some young teenage mothers who do a Better job with their children than some woman who are in their 30s married with money, people will always judge you no matter
    What you do, hope it all stops soon for you
    QueenCarlissa
  • CMDDCMDD member
    I just wanted to say i'm sorry you're getting that feedback. They probably think they're helping by pointing these stupid things out to you. Try to keep your head up, it'll be a hard journey but you can do this!!


    QueenCarlissaBostonBaby1
  • Such good advice from so many lovely ladies! I won't offer my two cents because I don't have any good advice but keep your head up! Haters gonna hate! That's one of my favorite phrases from my adolescent phase lol Good luck Momma!

    Kylie M.

    Baby #1 Born 12.16.2015

    Baby #2 Due 7.13.2018



    QueenCarlissa
  • My now husband and I were 21 when we got pregnant with my son and had only been dating for a few months when I found out. I was so afraid to tell my dad but when I finally did he was the most excited and supportive of all. His response was, "You're having a baby, how could anyone ever be pissed about a baby?" It was hard as Hell and not pretty all the time but I wouldn't change it for the world! We're now both 26, married, and expecting our second child!
    QueenCarlissajutondreau
  • I'm 29, married for 5 years, and this is baby #2 for us. My mom is constantly making comments about how I have no idea what I'm getting into and how I can't imagine how difficult it is going to be. Even friends with two kids already keep cracking jokes saying I should have stopped at one. No one is safe from judgement.
  • Congrats ! Continue to work hard graduate live love laugh your post just aspired me to stay true to myself ! Your life your child and relationship people will always judge regardless I see after reading others post . I'm 27 graduate great job but not in a relationship with my partner so I have not even told most of my family , friends or coworkers because of the judgements and questions . I could never ask people the questions that I know they will ask me it's truly no ones business nobody's perfect . I'll rather be a single mom any day then a woman who aborted her pregnancy based off others opinion and not being married or any other reason
    QueenCarlissa
  • I'm 25 (26 when baby arrives) been with my significant other for 6 years, have a degree, and a good paying job at a top company. Definately receiving judgement left and right for being too young and unmarried. I really don't think U.S. women will ever be able to please society.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I think people judge because they're jealous - a part of me can't help "judging" when I see very young mums (please don't hate me, I'm not proud of it!) but I think it stems from the fact that I've wanted kids since I was like 15, but only in the past few years have it been possible (i.e. no suitable man before then!). So when I see pretty young girls with adorable little babies I get jealous and then my head convinces me that it's stupid to be a young mum and surely they aren't ready for it and of course she must be on benefits etc... They're vile thoughts and I am aware of that but I can't help it. It's a coping mechanism I think, to stop myself from being disappointed in my own "progress" on the baby front. It's similar to when you meet a successful, pretty woman who seems to have it all - surely she only got that great job because her boss fancies her!

    Please note that I do not believe any of the above, I'm just trying to explain why some people may be judgy based on my own analysis of my crazy brain :)

    In the end, as others have said, it doesn't matter one bit what people think. As long as you are doing your best, no one have any right to point fingers.
    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Baby Names"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1c3aa8.aspx" alt=" BabyFruit Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
    Knottie67744546
  • I'm 31, pregnant, and unmarried. I have a specialist degree (beyond a masters, but not quite a doctorate). Other women are constantly judging me for having children out of wedlock. You can never beat the judgment. Ninety-nine percent of the time it's based on jealousy.
    QueenCarlissa
  • kallenuskallenus member
    edited June 2015
    I was right there with you with my first child. I was 21. After that baby comes, your whole outlook on life changes. You do right by your child and naturally, what others think, worries you less and less. My daughter is now 17 and I am expecting my 2nd child, a son! I am full aware of the gossip ring that must be going on behind my back at the office and in the community. This time I've been able to stay focused on the gift I've been given. It's incredible! Why would I let anyone bother me with any contrary notion? I have a belief in a higher power. The giver of life. Be it the universe or fate or whatever. This Being is not of this world and has chosen me to bring this child into the world. And that immense honor shadows all the judging.
    QueenCarlissa
  • lalg28lalg28 member
    I've been married five years and I'm 26 and I'm judged because "why did we wait so long?" Seriously, people are going to judge you no matter what. Ignore them and be happy with yourself.
    QueenCarlissa
  • My first child was at 18. Yup, I'm one of them and I'll always be labeled that way BUT now that I'm 21 (pregnant with my second) married and I have 1 year left in college. People look at me a lot differently. It's about what makes you happy in your life.
    QueenCarlissa
  • No matter what your situation in life is people will always have something to say, and will always judge. Believe me, even if you were 30, married for 4 years, and had a great career, someone would still have something judgmental to say...maybe along the lines of oh aren't you a bit old to be starting this, aren't you worried about ruining your career? Try not to let the stupidity and judgement bother you, because honestly, there's not escaping it, that's just how people are. A semi unrelated example is that my hubby of 4 years and I informed a lot of people we were going to start trying for a baby. It didn't work the first month around which stressed us out, but it was only the first month of trying so not a super big deal. This one "friend" of ours decided to ask me if we were going to start going in for IVF since it didn't work that month. We were like ummm, noooo, that's something we would try after a year or more of trying, not a month (duh!), so then she pulls my hubby aside a few days later and says "why don't you be a man and get your wife pregnant already." Really!?! You're going to sit there and judge my husband as not being a man because he didn't impregnate me the first time around? Ugh, people are so ridiculous. 
  • That is very rude of your friend. She would've got some very mean words because its not your place to speak on someone else's marriage and what they are doing in the bedroom deff a no no. Thanks for the advice as well :)@Melissadmag
  • Girl, I was 25 when I had my 1st. However I looked 15. I was married for 3 yrs, had a job, a mortgage, car payments, the works...
    but random stranger would make the rudest comments to me n my husband. Damn kids. Where are their parents? God, can you believe that?
    :[email protected] ~X( >:)
    you name it, I felt it. You know what kept me going? The facts. Facts were, I was going to be a great mom no matter what. I am a survivor, no matter what. I love this baby, no matter what. Its my life, and this babies and I'm smart and i will survive, thrive and perservere.
    people say stupid things to pregnant ppl no matter their age.
    One thing I have learned with age, is that we do get smarter and far more patient and tolerant with age. So maybe, try to have a little mecry for those people and think that it's maybe what they've seen in their life creating concern. Some are just judging but you're always going to have that in some way, but someday you won't have to be around it if you don't want to.
    QueenCarlissa
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