i keep reading how against everyone is on having a second shower for your second child. What i don't get is why? who cares? you feed and entertain the guests, they are not obligated to come, unless they want to so why is it such a big "no no". Are you not supposed to celebrate your second child?
I went a more than a few "second baby" showers and didn't see anything wrong with it.
I will probably do one myself when it's time.
p.s. is there a way to do a poll on these boards??
i keep reading how against everyone is on having a second shower for your second child. What i don't get is why? who cares? you feed and entertain the guests, they are not obligated to come, unless they want to so why is it such a big "no no". Are you not supposed to celebrate your second child?
I went a more than a few "second baby" showers and didn't see anything wrong with it.
I will probably do one myself when it's time.
p.s. is there a way to do a poll on these boards??
Um. Wow.
So, in the interest of full disclosure, I have gone to a 2nd baby shower, and didn't care cause it was a close friend, so I was buying a present anyway and it was also a surprise.
Anyway, people frown upon second showers because showers are to welcome first time mothers to motherhood. Second time is more of a been there done that, you're already a mother. You know what diapers hold up, you know which wipes are strongest, etc. You know more or less what to expect because you've already done it. Now you might be thinking "but my second child is their own special person and deserves their own celebration!" And you are right that your second to be is their own person, and sure all new life should be celebrated.
But a shower isn't celebrating the baby, it's celebrating you. Nobody can bond or connect with baby until it's born. If you want to celebrate the baby, host a sip n see after the baby is born and you are comfortable having guests around the baby. This way, people are actually meeting the baby and celebrating the baby. Sip n sees are not gift giving events, but some people might still bring a gift anyway.
You also shouldn't be throwing your own shower. That's even worse then a second shower. Would you invite people to your birthday party with a list of presents you want? And a good party costs money to throw, so if you're throwing it because you need supplies for baby, it's not cost effective at all.
I call BS that you've read all these threads about why second showers are wrong. We post reasons they are wrong in every thread, so you would have read those reasons already, instead of feelingtheneed to create yet another thread about it.
I call BS that you've read all these threads about why second showers are wrong. We post reasons they are wrong in every thread, so you would have read those reasons already, instead of feelingtheneed to create yet another thread about it.
Ditto! Seriously, practically every thread on this board explains this at least a dozen different ways. If you can't understand by now then you are refusing to on your own. If that's the case why bother to ask again? None of us are going to give you a special pass. If you want to have a 2nd shower then go ahead... just know that it's tacky.
Search through some of the posts, you'll get your answers. That said, baby shower is a welcome to parenthood. You are not a new parent with baby number 2 through whatever... Therefore, another shower does not make sense. As PP mentioned, a sip and see is good way to celebrate a new baby. Keep in mind, the baby, of course, is not the guest of honor at a baby shower. After all, she/he is not even in attendance.
But a shower isn't celebrating the baby, it's celebrating you. Nobody can bond or connect with baby until it's born. If you want to celebrate the baby, host a sip n see after the baby is born and you are comfortable having guests around the baby. This way, people are actually meeting the baby and celebrating the baby. Sip n sees are not gift giving events, but some people might still bring a gift anyway.
100% this over and over and over.
And showers are very much gift giving events. Yes, people can choose not to come, but the fact is that many people feel they "have" to go and to go means you're supposed to bring a gift. I personally find it crass to keep asking the same people over and over to give you more gifts.
Wow. I have a completely different opinion. I think it is a preconceived notion that a baby shower is about some dumb young naive first time mom and a second one is you being a greedy jerk. Its laughable. Showers themselves are thrown as a gift or a surprise by people that love you and want to celebrate the birth of your baby. Even if you have a "sip n see" it's the same damn thing. People are going to come to a place with baby decorations, eat finger foods, and most likely bring a baby gift because let's be honest...people LOVE to buy baby presents. I have never heard a single person say "damn all these people making me buy gifts for their babies" or "I hate buying baby gifts"...just never.
I am pregnant with my 3rd, my miracle baby. After many years of loss. My other 2 boys are now teens. There is not a baby thing in my house and I did not want a shower but I can't tell you the number of people already talking about throwing me a shower.
Now if you are planning it yourself and throwing it for yourself, that might be a different story. On baby 4 or 5...I get but thwre are many situations I don't see anything wrong st all.
I didn't even know that so many people considered second showers a social taboo until I stumbled upon this website.
I've been to countless second and sometimes even third showers and I've never thought anything of it. These showers were for all different types of women from teen moms to professional middle-class women.
I honestly don't care what Emily Post has to say regarding this matter. Traditions change over time. Who the heck is Emily Post to define what is proper? If you find it that offensive than don't go. I happen to think that gender reveal parties are stupid. If I were invited to one I would politely decline the invite.
I think if your having a second child of a different gender then the first then by all means---have the second shower or a sprinkle. Or if your children are decades apart and you have nothing saved then have one as well. Or if you have a loved one who wants to throw it for you then go for it. I agree about planning your own---spend the party money on items needed instead.
Side note-These boards are full of all kinds of opinions and sometimes they seem hurtful. Remember ladies--most of us are pregnant and hormonal. Let's be supportive. You don't have to agree and if you are over discussing it then don't reply to posts if they bother you so much.
I think if your having a second child of a different gender then the first then by all means---have the second shower or a sprinkle. Or if your children are decades apart and you have nothing saved then have one as well. Or if you have a loved one who wants to throw it for you then go for it. I agree about planning your own---spend the party money on items needed instead.
Side note-These boards are full of all kinds of opinions and sometimes they seem hurtful. Remember ladies--most of us are pregnant and hormonal. Let's be supportive. You don't have to agree and if you are over discussing it then don't reply to posts if they bother you so much.
Here is my support. Second showers are gift grabby, tacky affairs and people judge you for them, but probably not to your face.
Now that you know this, you can avoid it. Support.
I'm having a second shower. My 1st is 10 and this is DH's first so yep we get a shower. We are inviting some of the same people from my side and his side is all new so that's fine. My mom and his mom are throwing it and are super excited. I don't think it's tacky because we just don't have much of the stuff left from the first. Although we do have all of the furniture so there aren't many big ticket items on the registry. Honestly I think it's fair to throw a second shower if it makes sense and there is a good deal of time between the first and the second. Just my honest opinion.
I'm having a second shower. My 1st is 10 and this is DH's first so yep we get a shower. We are inviting some of the same people from my side and his side is all new so that's fine. My mom and his mom are throwing it and are super excited. I don't think it's tacky because we just don't have much of the stuff left from the first. Although we do have all of the furniture so there aren't many big ticket items on the registry. Honestly I think it's fair to throw a second shower if it makes sense and there is a good deal of time between the first and the second. Just my honest opinion.
Why is that everyone else's responsibility though?
It's not. It's a choice you make. I don't expect anything and it's 10 years not 2. Big difference!
Just to clarify, I don't have an issue with a 2nd shower if it's the Dad to Be's first baby and it's his family that's throwing the shower and those are the guests.
I just don't understand the argument that you should get one because of the age gap and you don't have any baby items. Ultimately, it's the parents responsibility to buy what they need for their baby. A shower is to welcome the mother (or parents) to parenthood. Once you are already a member, you don't need re-welcoming.
Or it could be an opportunity for everyone to just be excited about a baby. Who am I tell my mother not to throw a shower when she started planning for one when I got married to my DH. Look ladies I get the gift grabby part but I'm not and its no ones responsibility to buy me or my dd anything. My registry isn't advertised or listed on the invitation because I could give a shit. However I do not agree with everyone jumping all over a momma for having a 2nd or however many showers. If someone is throwing it for them and is genuinely excited then let them do it. Honestly etiquette rules are ever changing and evolving. It's not wrong it's different and it's frankly none of your concern what other people do.
Or it could be an opportunity for everyone to just be excited about a baby. Who am I tell my mother not to throw a shower when she started planning for one when I got married to my DH. Look ladies I get the gift grabby part but I'm not and its no ones responsibility to buy me or my dd anything. My registry isn't advertised or listed on the invitation because I could give a shit. However I do not agree with everyone jumping all over a momma for having a 2nd or however many showers. If someone is throwing it for them and is genuinely excited then let them do it. Honestly etiquette rules are ever changing and evolving. It's not wrong it's different and it's frankly none of your concern what other people do.
People will still be excited about a baby without being invited to a shower. And you say the registry isn't advertised on the invite because you couldn't give a shit. Yet in your last post you justify having a second shower because you don't have much stuff left from the first. As pp said, your situation is different since it is your husbands first, but you sort of contradicted yourself with your posts.
I too have not seen such disgust over 2nd showers until I became a member of this site. I have been to MANY 2nd and 3rd showers and never did I once think that it was gift grabby or tacky. Women on here say all the time "the guests are judging you for this whether they say it or not"- blah blah blah. Fact of the matter is that everyone comes from different families/friends/groups etc and just because YOU don't like it, doesn't mean that others have the same opinion.
I know most of you will totally disagree and thats fine- you don't have to drive it home as to why I am wrong and you are right. I have read all of these responses and many many more on this site and I still agree to disagree.
I too have not seen such disgust over 2nd showers until I became a member of this site. I have been to MANY 2nd and 3rd showers and never did I once think that it was gift grabby or tacky. Women on here say all the time "the guests are judging you for this whether they say it or not"- blah blah blah. Fact of the matter is that everyone comes from different families/friends/groups etc and just because YOU don't like it, doesn't mean that others have the same opinion.
I know most of you will totally disagree and thats fine- you don't have to drive it home as to why I am wrong and you are right. I have read all of these responses and many many more on this site and I still agree to disagree.
Yes I have to agree. I had the opposite problem recently. I'm not a fan of 2nd showers but apparently my social circle is because I turned down four of them. I feel there is not a right or wrong to this question but a "it depends..."
I think they are ok as long as they are really, really small intimate affairs As in you only invite your nearest and dearest friends and family and don't even bother with a registry and nothing like a first shower.
I guess what irks me is the whole " Well I need new stuff " attitude. It would be like me asking a friend that got me a toaster as a bridal shower gift for a second one because the one she got me stopped working and I needed a new one. No, it doesn't work like that. She didn't sign up for buying me a lifetime of toasters when she came to my bridal shower. Likewise, my kind and generous friends and family did sign up for giving me a lifetime supply of baby gear.
So from me you get one bouncy seat, ONE. Please don't put me in an awkward or uncomfortable position because the one bouncy seat I got for you isn't good anymore or you gave it away or you were stupid and registered for a pink one with butterflies and that isn't suitable for your precious little baby boy. That one bouncy seat was for your household, not the baby. It was to set up your home of with basic baby gear and not for that one baby specifically. You have another baby now ? Well if I am really close to you, I will get you diapers, wipes, clothes or a blanket ( something I would have gotten without a shower invitation by the way ).
Yes, yes I know I could turn down the invitation if it is someone I am not close to, but sometimes it is more complicated than that and wouldn't appreciate being put in that position in the first place.
I think 2nd showers are generally taboo, but there are a few situations in which it's acceptable:
Acceptable:
--It's dad to be's first child, and someone on his side wants to throw a shower. In this case the guests should be mostly his side.
--a family member (esp an IL) offers to throw one and it would create more bad feelings for the MTB to refuse than to graciously accept. In this case, MTB needs to work with the eager hostess to seriously limit the size of the shower.
--Unexpected fertility issues or losses happen between child 1 and 2 and the hostess wants to celebrate and acknowledge the end of a difficult journey.
Reasons That Seem Tempting But Aren't Really Acceptable:
--This baby is a different sex than the previous one(s).
--There is a long gap between siblings and the parents got rid of all their baby stuff.
--It's twins this time.
--MTB didn't have one for her first pregnancy.
I call BS on the person who cited "everyone loves buying baby stuff" as a reason why 2nd showers are okay. Do I like buying baby stuff? Yes. Love it. But I can show up to visit the family after the baby's born on my own schedule and deliver the gift I've enjoyed picking out. I'm a busy professional with two kids of my own. I don't really want to spend an entire weekend afternoon at a person's second shower. It's not the gift buying I resent, it's the demand on my time. I'll willingly give up that time for a first time mom, but if I'm hard pressed to justify giving that much time to a second shower unless it's a very unusual situation.
With my #2 one we are getting a baby shower because it's the DTB'S first child and his side of the family hasn't had a baby in over 18 years due to a ton of fertility problems on his side. He's an only child and his family is beyond excited as is mine for this baby as was mine for my baby #1. I think it does depend on the situation. However, that being said, I've been to second child baby showers and showed up feeling the same as I did for the first. Just there to support the mom, make her feel special, amd celebrate another one of God's little miracles.
I'm having a second shower. My 1st is 10 and this is DH's first so yep we get a shower. We are inviting some of the same people from my side and his side is all new so that's fine. My mom and his mom are throwing it and are super excited. I don't think it's tacky because we just don't have much of the stuff left from the first. Although we do have all of the furniture so there aren't many big ticket items on the registry. Honestly I think it's fair to throw a second shower if it makes sense and there is a good deal of time between the first and the second. Just my honest opinion.
I mean, of course you think it's acceptable. YOU are directly benefiting from it.
If someone throws a baby shower for a 16 year old girl...is it tacky for that girls friends to throw her another one when she is married and 25?? Quit ruling others lives. You don't have to attend, you don't even know these people.
I guess what irks me is the whole " Well I need new stuff " attitude. It would be like me asking a friend that got me a toaster as a bridal shower gift for a second one because the one she got me stopped working and I needed a new one. No, it doesn't work like that. She didn't sign up for buying me a lifetime of toasters when she came to my bridal shower. Likewise, my kind and generous friends and family did sign up for giving me a lifetime supply of baby gear.
Yup, this is my issue too. I don't get the whole "Well we have a big age gap and didn't save any of our baby gear" or "the last baby way a boy and now it's a girl so we need new stuff!" Those are issues that YOU created. They are not legitimate excuses to ask people to buy you new things. I mean, if it was me, I would just facepalm myself for not thinking about the future and then get new stuff myself. (Which is why I made sure all the big ticket items on our registry were gender neutral.)
I think they are ok as long as they are really, really small intimate affairs As in you only invite your nearest and dearest friends and family and don't even bother with a registry and nothing like a first shower.
I guess what irks me is the whole " Well I need new stuff " attitude. It would be like me asking a friend that got me a toaster as a bridal shower gift for a second one because the one she got me stopped working and I needed a new one. No, it doesn't work like that. She didn't sign up for buying me a lifetime of toasters when she came to my bridal shower. Likewise, my kind and generous friends and family did sign up for giving me a lifetime supply of baby gear.
So from me you get one bouncy seat, ONE. Please don't put me in an awkward or uncomfortable position because the one bouncy seat I got for you isn't good anymore or you gave it away or you were stupid and registered for a pink one with butterflies and that isn't suitable for your precious little baby boy. That one bouncy seat was for your household, not the baby. It was to set up your home of with basic baby gear and not for that one baby specifically. You have another baby now ? Well if I am really close to you, I will get you diapers, wipes, clothes or a blanket ( something I would have gotten without a shower invitation by the way ).
Yes, yes I know I could turn down the invitation if it is someone I am not close to, but sometimes it is more complicated than that and wouldn't appreciate being put in that position in the first place.
I don't think you can compare a wedding to a baby shower. But technically if your friend got divorced and remarried later, you would still bring a gift to her wedding.... So....
You're right, you can't compare a baby shower to a wedding. So your comparison makes no sense. A wedding is about celebrating the union of the couple, and while gifts are customarily given, they are not the focus of the celebration.
Uhhmmm actually I compared a bridal SHOWER to a baby SHOWER and when my good friend did get remarried, she said she would have been embarassed to have another bridal shower, so she didn't get one. I did get her a wedding gift and I brought her a baby gift to the hospital when she had a second child. So yes she only got one bridal shower and one baby shower.
@xrum it is circumstantial. Most people I know/where I'm from wouldn't have a second shower, but a sprinkle or small gathering like that. It's like a mini shower, but more of a gathering to celebrate the new little one. People usually just bring gifts. I haven't attended one with a registry, unless there was some sort of special circumstance. My mom had 2 showers, 1 for me as I am the first child. After my father passed away and she got remarried years later, she was blessed to be pregnant with my sister and so our family threw my mom a 2nd surprise shower. I was already 6 at the time and she didn't really have a lot of baby stuff left over from me. Also, this was seen as an opportunity to blend the two new families further. So it really depends. Also, if people are offering to throw the shower, it is okay to say yes. It's the same as accepting a gift, according to these posts anyway. Hope that helps
It's not a big deal. Each baby should be welcomed. If you personally don't want another shower then don't, if you do then go ahead. It's crazy how people get all hyped up for others wanting a shower for the next baby coming.
@DylansCandyBar not sure if you mean by gifts and such. But getting what I want? What I love about my showers was having the family together to celebrate a new life coming into the world. I loved playing games etc. I'm far from good. I personally have never asked for gifts and I have never cared if someone chose not to buy a gift even if it was my first baby shower. Everyone has their own reasonings. So I'm not one to judge if someone choses to have 1 or 10 baby showers.
It's not a big deal. Each baby should be welcomed. If you personally don't want another shower then don't, if you do then go ahead. It's crazy how people get all hyped up for others wanting a shower for the next baby coming.
Maybe not to you, but since you are throwing all these showers, you are continually hitting up your friends and family for gifts. So, I kind of see that as a big deal. I would never want to make my friends and loved ones fell put upon or uncomfortable, because I care about their feelings and recognize that the world doesn't revolve around me procreating.
Further, if you want to welcome the baby, the baby should actually be there. This is why "meet the baby" events are appropriate for 2nd + babies. Because they are not gift giving events. People usually bring a gift or diapers, but don't feel obligated to.
Lol all these showers. I have thrown myself one and 2 have been done for me. My family and friends have never felt that way. I completely understand if people chose to have children definitely make sure you're financially stable. Which I am, which is why I personally chose to have more then 1 child. But thank you again for letting me know how you feel things should be. But it isn't your world or your life. Just a small opinion...
It's not just how I feel. It's how people who were raised with manners and an understanding of etiquette feel. Again, you can choose to ignore etiquette and do whatever you want, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist and that people won't find your behavior offensive.
I'm having a second shower. My first was 18 years ago. None of my friends showed because i was the first of them to have a child at 20. It was a small affair. One or 2 dropped off gifts, but mostly it was just family that showed. I threw all of them lavish showers because by the time they had kids we were a little more clued into proper etiquette. This is my 2nd baby, my first with my new hubby, as my 18 year old's father passed when he was 3. So much has changed since then my girlfriends insisted i have a shower. I'm thrilled.
I'm having a second shower. My first was 18 years ago. None of my friends showed because i was the first of them to have a child at 20. It was a small affair. One or 2 dropped off gifts, but mostly it was just family that showed. I threw all of them lavish showers because by the time they had kids we were a little more clued into proper etiquette. This is my 2nd baby, my first with my new hubby, as my 18 year old's father passed when he was 3. So much has changed since then my girlfriends insisted i have a shower. I'm thrilled.
Re: What's wrong with a second shower?
So, in the interest of full disclosure, I have gone to a 2nd baby shower, and didn't care cause it was a close friend, so I was buying a present anyway and it was also a surprise.
Anyway, people frown upon second showers because showers are to welcome first time mothers to motherhood. Second time is more of a been there done that, you're already a mother. You know what diapers hold up, you know which wipes are strongest, etc. You know more or less what to expect because you've already done it. Now you might be thinking "but my second child is their own special person and deserves their own celebration!" And you are right that your second to be is their own person, and sure all new life should be celebrated.
But a shower isn't celebrating the baby, it's celebrating you. Nobody can bond or connect with baby until it's born. If you want to celebrate the baby, host a sip n see after the baby is born and you are comfortable having guests around the baby. This way, people are actually meeting the baby and celebrating the baby. Sip n sees are not gift giving events, but some people might still bring a gift anyway.
You also shouldn't be throwing your own shower. That's even worse then a second shower. Would you invite people to your birthday party with a list of presents you want? And a good party costs money to throw, so if you're throwing it because you need supplies for baby, it's not cost effective at all.
So, seriously, consider the sip n see instead.
2nd round exp 8/20/18.
And showers are very much gift giving events. Yes, people can choose not to come, but the fact is that many people feel they "have" to go and to go means you're supposed to bring a gift. I personally find it crass to keep asking the same people over and over to give you more gifts.
I am pregnant with my 3rd, my miracle baby. After many years of loss. My other 2 boys are now teens. There is not a baby thing in my house and I did not want a shower but I can't tell you the number of people already talking about throwing me a shower.
Now if you are planning it yourself and throwing it for yourself, that might be a different story. On baby 4 or 5...I get but thwre are many situations I don't see anything wrong st all.
I've been to countless second and sometimes even third showers and I've never thought anything of it. These showers were for all different types of women from teen moms to professional middle-class women.
I honestly don't care what Emily Post has to say regarding this matter. Traditions change over time. Who the heck is Emily Post to define what is proper? If you find it that offensive than don't go.
I happen to think that gender reveal parties are stupid. If I were invited to one I would politely decline the invite.
Side note-These boards are full of all kinds of opinions and sometimes they seem hurtful. Remember ladies--most of us are pregnant and hormonal. Let's be supportive. You don't have to agree and if you are over discussing it then don't reply to posts if they bother you so much.
Now that you know this, you can avoid it. Support.
Just to clarify, I don't have an issue with a 2nd shower if it's the Dad to Be's first baby and it's his family that's throwing the shower and those are the guests.
I just don't understand the argument that you should get one because of the age gap and you don't have any baby items. Ultimately, it's the parents responsibility to buy what they need for their baby. A shower is to welcome the mother (or parents) to parenthood. Once you are already a member, you don't need re-welcoming.
@Latina211508 Of course you don't see anything wrong with it, because it benefits you and you are getting what you want.
Showers welcome you to motherhood. Once you are a member, you do not need re-welcoming.
Maybe not to you, but since you are throwing all these showers, you are continually hitting up your friends and family for gifts. So, I kind of see that as a big deal. I would never want to make my friends and loved ones fell put upon or uncomfortable, because I care about their feelings and recognize that the world doesn't revolve around me procreating.
Further, if you want to welcome the baby, the baby should actually be there. This is why "meet the baby" events are appropriate for 2nd + babies. Because they are not gift giving events. People usually bring a gift or diapers, but don't feel obligated to.
@Latina211508
It's not just how I feel. It's how people who were raised with manners and an understanding of etiquette feel. Again, you can choose to ignore etiquette and do whatever you want, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist and that people won't find your behavior offensive.
https://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=1295
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-gifts-still-keep-pouring-in-at-moms-third-baby-shower/2014/10/15/8497e944-48d7-11e4-a046-120a8a855cca_story.html